SandieBeach Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 i remember this... my husband went from being a really nice guy to a jerk, ready to quibble over every insignificant little point ( even to the point of freaking out at me one time when I asked him where he was going. He told me "most husband's and wives don't tell each other where they are going when they go out". Piffle! He was just looking for an excuse to be angry with me and feel that i was "controlling" him ( salve to his conscience for cheating, I guess) He'd then gripe about it to "the other woman" and she'd affirm it and exacerbate the issue as much as she could ( he showed me some emails from her to him where she told him that she "didn't understand how he could live with being controlled like that and how it must be terribly hard for him, she'd never be that way, etc.) You are both right. My husband also had many moments like that (snapping when I asked him about work, and in one instance, got angry when I was late picking him up from the airport as he was coming home from her!!!!). It's so hard to stomach all of this. Frozensprouts, I don't know how long ago your husband's affair happened as you seemed to have come to terms with it. I have only known for less than 4 weeks, and at times (like today), the realization that there had been so much lying (before and during the affair) is crippling. I am thinking that for all our time together, my husband had been incapable of telling me the truth.
Spark1111 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 You are both right. My husband also had many moments like that (snapping when I asked him about work, and in one instance, got angry when I was late picking him up from the airport as he was coming home from her!!!!). It's so hard to stomach all of this. Frozensprouts, I don't know how long ago your husband's affair happened as you seemed to have come to terms with it. I have only known for less than 4 weeks, and at times (like today), the realization that there had been so much lying (before and during the affair) is crippling. I am thinking that for all our time together, my husband had been incapable of telling me the truth. I am four years out and peace only came recently. SB, four weeks is nothing and my heart breaks for you. Today, I refuse to live in fear of my fWS having another affair, because if he EVER subjected me to this kind of pain again, I'd be gone so fast my head would spin. I instinctually knew his affair had nothing to do with me. I wanted counseling, he refused. I am an excellent communicator, but it was always an argument with him. I was happy, he wasn't ---and not only with me---but with the whole world at that time although I bore the brunt of it. So, cheaters have low self-esteem, poor coping skills, poor communication skills and are highly conflict-avoidant. Most of those traits originate in one's family of origin. My OW was no different, telling him how misunderstood and unappreciated he was, blah, blah, blah.....How she would NEVER treat him that way. Meanwhile, they had never paid a bill together; sat up all night with a sick child, or cared for and buried aging parents together. They simply had the perpetual third date; everything fun, everyone on their best behavior. Nice fantasy, no? Six months after reconciling, we had an argument, and I remember asking him ' What do you expect from me?' Did he want the truth, or did he want me to lie to him and just tell him how wonderful he was....all the time...in everything he did....? 3
Author beenburned Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Sandie, You seem to be doing great for d-day being so close!! The most important thing is to determine whether this was just a one time bad decision, or a bad character flaw that might repeat itself in the future. My d-day occurred early in my marriage, when both of the kids were young. I was devastated but had to hide everything from the kids.(crying in the shower or after they fell asleep) I had sacrificed so much for my H. He wanted to live close to his family after we married. So I moved 300 miles from my hometown, leaving all family and friends, to a place where I knew no one other than his family. I quickly realized that I was the giver, and he was the taker in every area of our life. I was just young and naive, and gave in to him to prevent arguements. I see this selfish trait in almost all cheaters. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Six months after reconciling, we had an argument, and I remember asking him ' What do you expect from me?' Did he want the truth, or did he want me to lie to him and just tell him how wonderful he was....all the time...in everything he did....? Yup, feed that ego or they find someone else to do it. What's funny is while my W was having her A and I was clueless, she was constantly giving me sarcastic flak, insulting me and ridiculing me in playful way. I actually thought it was funny and enjoyed it. Maybe more so than the cushy unrealistic flattery I got when we were dating and were newly weds. Turns out her she didn't have an overriding theme of playfulness and love...she was totally f-ing serious I guess. Noone is perfect, you will never have a perfect spouse. To justify cheating over some flaw is total BS. Acknowledge the flaws, live with them. It's ok, you can still love them! And for God sake, don't expect your partner to think you are perfect...you CERTAINLY are not!
SandieBeach Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Yup, feed that ego or they find someone else to do it. What's funny is while my W was having her A and I was clueless, she was constantly giving me sarcastic flak, insulting me and ridiculing me in playful way. I actually thought it was funny and enjoyed it. Maybe more so than the cushy unrealistic flattery I got when we were dating and were newly weds. Turns out her she didn't have an overriding theme of playfulness and love...she was totally f-ing serious I guess. Noone is perfect, you will never have a perfect spouse. To justify cheating over some flaw is total BS. Acknowledge the flaws, live with them. It's ok, you can still love them! And for God sake, don't expect your partner to think you are perfect...you CERTAINLY are not! Hallelujah!
sad puppy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I was an OW, went NC over two months ago - bu bye after 21 months. The last time I saw him I told him, "I've been observing your behavior when you were married (living with family) and since you've moved out (now separated), and frankly I find it appalling how much time, money, and energy you spend in bars and restaurants with your friends as opposed to with your kids. I find it ridiculous that you are willing to fund the college educations of bartenders' and waitresses' kids instead of your own with all the money you spend going out." A long winded ass whooping commenced, not about "us" but about what a poor husband and father I thought he was. He said not one word, not one. I also asked him, after he moved out, if his wife knew we had been in contact or seen each other. He said no ( a lie, we had seen each other). I told him that was fine and not to hurt her. No point. Whe he told me he needed to go to MC or he "wouldn't be able to live with himself unless he tried", I said that I understood and stepped out. I busted his chops over and over, throughout the affair for his behavior, dishonesty, ... I NEVER cooed at him and told him how great he was and all that stuff. I think I sorta scared the crap out of him sometimes. When he confessed the affair, was gonna move out, then decided to try and work on it - I said, "I'm gonna call your wife". I think he thought I was bluffing. I wasn't. Called her, introduced myself and said " we find ourselves in a situation that is not uncommon", she agreed. I told her if she ever wanted to speak to me, I would be available. I told her I didn't think either one of us were getting the truth. I know he was lying to both of us. If anything, my last rant may very well have driven him back to her, I have no clue. But just wanted you to know that all OW do not play the same game, with telling the guy how "great he is". Hell to the no, I busted him more than his wife probably ever did. 2
SandieBeach Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I was an OW, went NC over two months ago - bu bye after 21 months. The last time I saw him I told him, "I've been observing your behavior when you were married (living with family) and since you've moved out (now separated), and frankly I find it appalling how much time, money, and energy you spend in bars and restaurants with your friends as opposed to with your kids. I find it ridiculous that you are willing to fund the college educations of bartenders' and waitresses' kids instead of your own with all the money you spend going out." A long winded ass whooping commenced, not about "us" but about what a poor husband and father I thought he was. He said not one word, not one. I also asked him, after he moved out, if his wife knew we had been in contact or seen each other. He said no ( a lie, we had seen each other). I told him that was fine and not to hurt her. No point. Whe he told me he needed to go to MC or he "wouldn't be able to live with himself unless he tried", I said that I understood and stepped out. I busted his chops over and over, throughout the affair for his behavior, dishonesty, ... I NEVER cooed at him and told him how great he was and all that stuff. I think I sorta scared the crap out of him sometimes. When he confessed the affair, was gonna move out, then decided to try and work on it - I said, "I'm gonna call your wife". I think he thought I was bluffing. I wasn't. Called her, introduced myself and said " we find ourselves in a situation that is not uncommon", she agreed. I told her if she ever wanted to speak to me, I would be available. I told her I didn't think either one of us were getting the truth. I know he was lying to both of us. If anything, my last rant may very well have driven him back to her, I have no clue. But just wanted you to know that all OW do not play the same game, with telling the guy how "great he is". Hell to the no, I busted him more than his wife probably ever did. Sad Puppy, I suppose when you are with someone for 21 months, it becomes increasingly easy to notice and point out their flaws. My husband's affair was really still in its infancy stage, and other than frequently asking him if he were going to leave me, the OW was the perfectly caring listener. As for the cheating spouse lying to the OW, well, it would be silly for anyone to assume otherwise. If he is lying to his wife, the OW should expect lying as well. 2
sad puppy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Exactly, any OW that doesn't consider her MM is lying is a fool. I believed most of what he said because I knew it to be true, but, other times I knew he was lying by omission. Sandie beach, I'm sorry you've gone through this experience and yes, in the beginning stages of any relationship, it's all hearts and flowers. God, all these situations are painful human experiences. I think all three people in a triangle just go through "how did I get here"? I truly blame the WS, I accept my role and responsibility, but I really blame the WS for starting down a path that they don't plan to handle with integrity. Our situation was a bit unusual in that he had been in an eight year sexless marriage. Not a lie, very true. Blah blah, ... But you know what? Even if he came to me, I'm thinking I couldn't trust him. Conflict avoider. Not good. How's that for irony? After our second date, he talked to a friend that had an affair and divorced, and the friend said "end the marriage before you start anything up with someone else". Good advice, he didn't take it. Pain all around. But oddly, his relationship with kids is better since he moved out. Life is weird.
Author beenburned Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 sad puppy, Thank you for posting with such honesty! Yes, all affairs are different, just as all marriages are different. My grown D is divorcing her H due to his continued cheating and constant lies. He had 1 OW for 4 years(no d-day), then added another OW for 6 months before they both found out about each other!! They in turn called my D, and not only told her the truth, but provided all evidence she is using in court for her divorce.(We live in a state where you can file as adultery as the cause) He treated everybody horribly, including his child, who he had NO time for! I was hoping,like you mentioned, that his relationship with his child would improve now that he has been separated for almost a year. But no, he has another woman he is already dating, and is already bringing her around his child on their scheduled visitation times! Mad grandma here, as I know if his child doesn't have a good relationship with her father growing up, she is likely to act out as an adult.
Recommended Posts