Me...IamMe Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I'll start by saying this will be long. I met her at a dark moment in life and she had just been left by her fiance two weeks previously. I did not know that at the time. When I found out I felt betrayed, because I never wanted to be a rebound. I dealt with it and move on. I was honest with her about everything she would ask me and she told me all after time knowing she could be comfortable with me, except the hurt she was trying to release from her past engagement. At about the 4 month period she left me for about a week but called me everyday and we both realized we had become best friends. I had never felt I could share more with a women in my life. Except I hid one thing from her. I was depressed and have anxiety disorder. At the time I didn't think I had to because life was amazing. Everything felt alive, even the wind felt exhilirating. I never liked to admit my true problems anyway. Over the course of the next two years I know we loved each other deeply and I helped her raise her two boys. Their father was like a ghost that would appear every other month. As with life problems arose that were getting more and more difficult for me to hide my depression. I would start missing a day of work here, a day of work there until she realised that I was depressed. She tried to help me, being that she is from a medical background and her youngest boy has ADHD. I love that kid to pieces, but he is very difficult to deal with. Anyway, I would try to take my med, but would stop when I felt better. I hated taking them. They made me feel shameful. Also I am very bull headed. We would start fighting from stress a her stress would become mine and I started to withdraw into my own secret world. It took a few years, a lot of fights,a lot of hurt feelings from me leaving her for days on end without any communication. I would just whole up and either gamble or lay on my couch for days. Both coping mechanisms. I left my bestfriend and became the ghost that would show up unannouced. She would be mad but would always take me in. Tell me to get help, scream at me to get help, and scream at me to love her. I did love her but did not know how to break my cycle of depression. I lost thousands of dollars gambling and did not want to tell her or anyone else for that matter. I could not provide for her. I absolutely loved taking her out and making her happy. And this left me more depressed to the point I had bladder infections which could have killed me for not moving from my bed for three days, not even to piss. My depression finally lost me my great job in June of 2011. Even though I tried to get through to her all her yelling at me to get help pushed me away. She does have anger issues from her mother. Starting in November of 2011 all communication skills were thrown out the window. I wanted her gone. She had lost her heart. But still we tried to fudge through it not knowing how to let our best friend go. I was gone for a week before Christmas in a depressed state showed up half heartedly to Christmas. We had fun but both knew it wasn't working. Major fight over nothing to me but everything to her. Tried to let it go but she said she wanted to break up. She was not in love with me anymore. She loved me. But we were done. I didn't really believe it, because she has always been there for me. We are broke thru Valentines and after. We still would talk but I was in the process of getting my stuff out. Still in denial. We slept together twice but I left after each time because she didn't want to confuse the kids. She said that was never our problem. Told me she loved me hesitantly, but still said it. I was confused, I knew in my heart we were meant to be together but yet I pushed her so far away. I had literally destroyed my life. A week later I showed up at her house and she was with another man on a date. So I waited for her to return and when she was cold to me my heart finally gave out. The love of my life had just broken my heart. I did the whole "why"? And "who is he". She wouldn't tell me who he was, but said she stopped loving me 6 months prior so she has already moved on. I did the wrong things over the next two days calls and flowers. She said thank you for the flowers and poem. But ended the conversation with "don't call me anymore, don't text me, don't come over anymore. I have moved on." You have to change for youself you don't need me." I told her I loved her. And she cried and said "its all about you". She waited for me to say goodbye and that was it. NOW for the Eureka. In my desperation I turned to a God I have been running from for over 15 years. I cried out for HELP!!!!! The same God I had told to F himself two weeks prior, every curse word in the book came out of my mouth. Now I'm calling for his HELP!!!!! Funny thing happened. He answered me. And took me on a dream and showed me who I really am. Who I was created to be, but have ran from my whole life. All my problems, gambling addiction, depression,smoking addiction(yes she hates smoking and would make sure I knew it everyday, even spray me down in the doorway, which I hated.) loss of respect from people, cover up lies, financial woes, loss of great job in civil service. And finally the one that broke me. The loss of my bestfriend, the woman I wanted to marry and have children with, but could never ask because of my shame and secrets. He showed me the reason my life was in turmoil. Why it had spiraled out of control. The answer, Pride, stubbornness. I can do this myself attitude. I was a child in a 35 year old body. Selfish beyond all compare. He showed me I have actually ran from love because I could never forgive myself when I failed. And resentment built into hatred of myself. He showed me every instance she would scream at me was her way of trying to help me be the loving MAN she could see in me. The man was I was supposed to be for her.She was beyond frustrated watching me go to my death. So in my life, my friends and family thought she was a bitch towards the end never knowing what was really going on. He showed me I am worthy of love. That my past is my past and I have a bright future if I only ask one thing. For help. I am now proud to say I have been getting the help I need, depression is real, and I do need to take steps to control it. I am starting counseling and have been placed on supplements for anxiety,depression, and fatigue. I am taking it one step at a time. I have a million things to do to get back to even. But I now feel confident and proud of who I am even with all my problems, I like myself again. I understand myself. Something I couldn't see for fifteen years. And I am confident with Gods helping hand and the support of great friends and family I will be the MAN God wants me to be. And the MAN my ex always knew was locked inside. People can change I am living proof. They just have to say God help me and mean it. Now I am writing this here because my ex is gone. I still ache and think about her all the time but instead of shutting down I am more rejuvanated than ever. I actually see a plan ahead of me. What I ve come to realize is that, Yes I still want to be with her, she is the love of my life. But it took her leaving to make me whole again and I thank God she did it. If she comes back I would treat her like the Queen she's always desrved to be treated as. But if she doesn't I wish for her all the love in the world. because even though she lost hope in helping me. She hasn't yet realized she was the instument through which God changed this selfish boy into a Man. I really do miss her and the boys, but I realize if there is any hope she will have to see the new me and out of repect I will not contact her. If I takes a month or a year or a day she will see the new me,because words are empty without actions to back it up. The only way to love someone is through selfless love or it will fail. Love is not self seeking. So because I love her, I really do have to let her go. Scary, tough, heartbreaking. But that is how God loves us, he let's us go in hopes we come to him. God bless you Jennifer wherever you may be. I hope you find your way back to me. I don't need you. I love you and want you just the way you are. Either way life is looking up. To those of you hurting and confused and feel like hurting yourself or the one you love. I ask you to say GOD HELP ME. and if you don't believe in God say. GOD if you are real, give me an introduction show me your real. Sit back wait and see I promise you if you let go he will catch you. There is a reason for everything in life. This to shall pass. Jake. P.S. told you it was long thanks for taking the time to read.
Gettingtired Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Dude, does your keyboard not have a return button... No way I'm straining my eyes reading all that....
Frank13 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I agree. Even shorter messages are much easier to read when every few lines is broken up into its own paragraph. It allows you to read a few thoughts, ideas, or info and be able to pause and absorb it before going on to the next one. When it is all one be block of text, we spend more time trying to concentrate on not losing our place than actually reading and absorbing what was written. Like you, I just won't take the time trying to strain through it. Break thing up into paragraphs, especially if it is a long post.
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