Nancy B Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 [FONT=PrimaSans BT,Verdana,sans-serif]He's not gone yet, but will be very soon. I'm 23. Almost three years ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. I took it fairly bad but moved on. Felt quite depressed that Summer. I enjoyed going out with one of my best friends from college. A mutual friend Harry (boyfriend) began to express an interest in me from June 2009 and I constantly dismissed it. In early2010 we began a casual relationship. One where he wanted commitment, I did not and all of my acting single and being intimate with other people hurt him. I ended the relationship with him in the October. I acted selfishly and horrendously throughout this time. Believing I could never truly commit because I had been deeply hurt by my two past relationships. (one which involved emotional and physical abuse) However, i began seeing someone straight after ending things with Harry, regretted it, called it off and realized I had been a fool to Harry. I missed him an awful lot. I was honest with him, and begged for another chance. During this time I became very depressed. I coughed back tears most days in work. Walking felt painful. I came home from work every evening only to fall into bed and cry and obsess. He was cautious but came around to giving things a go and he decided to come to Asia with me to teach English. He said it would be our last big shot. Right before we went I was on a constant guilt cycle wondering had I been totally honest, feeling the need to impart the minor details of all my sins. On a meal out with his family I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame. If people knew how bad I had treated them they would hate me as much as I do. We came to Asia and after a few weeks of not making new friends I was friends with a guy called John. Right now, i hate everything about John. At the beginning he seemed great but he said he liked me and I said I wanted to be friends. I foolishly used this friendship/flirtation/emotional relationship whatever as an escape from my own feelings of ****. My BF was upset and after a month I cut John out of my life completely. I maintain I was reluctant to lose a friend, but dangerously naive as John was not interested in a friendship. And have tried to make it up to Harry ever since. It's been a few months and I thought we were happy. Other than my new guilt I felt like some balance and normality were coming into my life. I can value what is important. Me and Harry made talks of staying another year. And we had some good times. Weeks ago he said he doesn't know what he wants. I make too many mistakes. He doesn't like the obligations of being in a relationship. He has future loose plans, not sure he wants me in them. I am devastated. What did I expect. I have sabotaged my happiness and I dont really know why. I'm back to having no energy, no sleep. I feel the loss of this relationship is my loss of happiness and a proof of what an awful bitch I am. I've stopped being able to talk to friends(dont have many anyway) because they all in happy relationships and seem horrified by some of my behaviors or else try and talk me up which makes me feel worse. I had one last chance to make it work and I ****ed it up.Without him in my life, I have no real friends, and I have no idea what do with my life. He wants to see how things go over the next time, but I feel him slipping away. [/FONT]
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 U know what you are going thru. I lost a man I really loved, but I left him for a reason. I fell apart the last 2 wks. All I can say to you is we all make mistakes and hurt people , even if we dont mean to. U have to find urself and that is really it. U cant change for others, and shouldnt. U are you and need to accept everything about urself and only change what u want to for YOU and you only. Life is hard, sometimes it hurts like hell. But you never realize some things are blessings in disguise . Sometimes when one door closes another opens when we least expect. Just work on you and making you happy . Focus on urself , no matter how hard that is. We cant change the past, we can only learn from it
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