Lisa73 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I need some advice. My boyfriend, I guess I should say ex-boyfriend, and I broke up in the middle of January. I tried calling and emailing a few times, but he wouldn't answer. A couple weeks after the fight I went over to talk to him in person and he made up an excuse why he couldn't talk then. I left and a couple of weeks later he came over to me only to retrieve something of his. We talked a little then and he was nice, but said he didn't know what he wanted at the moment. A few more weeks went by and eventually 6 weeks after our initial argument I went over to try to talk to him again. I had called a few days prior and he hadn't answered, again. I should point out that he did this once before last summer and the only way we got back together is that I went over to see him because he was avoiding me and we had the chance to talk and realized we'd just had a huge misunderstanding and worked it out. It took a few weeks, but he eventually came around. His answer to things seems to be avoidance so it's up to me to take the initiative to patch things up. Anyway, I backed off after he told me that he didn't know what he wanted. I really thought he just needed space, but when we were coming up on the 6 weeks I thought I needed to try to make another effort. I did mail him a Valentine card in between and I did notice that he opened several emails I sent him on the 13th, but other than that I pretty much went no contact. So 6 weeks after our argument I went over to talk to him and we discussed things and he said he just didn't want to be around anyone at the moment. I thought maybe he was just going through something. I'd like to believe him and to a degree I do, but I'm also wondering if he's just giving me a line. I confronted him on one of the lies he told me and I told him if you need space I can understand that, but why don't you just say that rather than making up a lie. I also made it clear that if he didn't want to ever hear from me again then why didn't he just come out and say so. I guess I just need that closure if that's what he wants. Well, one thing led to another that night I went over to talk to him and we ended up having sex. (Yeah, I know, bad on me, but I guess girls have needs too). Anyway, I left and gave him a call a few days later. This time he answered and we talked for almost 2 hours, just about everyday stuff mainly. We had kind of agreed to not dwell in the past and not bring up the argument we had or any of the other negative stuff. It was a good conversation and a couple of times I had tried to end the call, but he would start talking about something else. He mentioned how I'd left some jewelry over there and I asked why he hadn't texted me to tell me because I had been looking everywhere for it not knowing I'd left it at his place. He assumed I knew it was there. Anyway, I called him again this week and it was a little bit of an awkward conversation. I don't know if he was just in a bad mood, or tired or just didn't want to talk. He pointed out that he still had this piece of jewelry and somehow it came up that if he had been anxious to get it back to me (and probably not see me again) then he would have brought it over. At the end of the conversation I invited him over for dinner. He said he'd have to let me know. He was currently out of town for work and wasn't sure when he'd be back. Well, Wednesday was the night he was to come over for dinner. About 4:00 he sent me a text saying "won't make it for dinner tonight." I replied back when I got off work at 5 and just said "Ok. Maybe another night? Thanks for letting me know." I didn't want to push the issue. I was incredibly nervous about having him over because I knew it might be a little awkward, but kind of expected that he's either stand me up or come up with an excuse not to come over. Of course I'm curious why he canceled now. Honestly, he doesn't have a lot of friends that he hangs out with. He does have 2 daughters and I suppose something could have come up with one of them. Ok, I did a drive by and I know he wasn't home Wednesday night so he went somewhere, but whether he intentionally made plans to avoid having to come over and have dinner with me or really did have a legitimate reason I'll probably never know. (Yeah, I know, drive bys are bad, but I just had to know. I really expected that he'd be home and just canceled on me because he wasn't ready to have dinner with me yet.) I'd like to ask him, but even if he lies to me I don't feel like I can call him out on it. He did this same thing when we had our first argument last summer, tried to make excuses and avoid me for a few weeks and eventually after talking more and spending more time together he warmed up and things were fine after a few weeks so I kind of feel he's doing that again. The difference is this time we're not having daily phone conversations or texting like we were. I don't want to push him or smother him, but at the same time I know that I have to take the initiative here and let him know that I care and I want to try to work things out. We really are good together and aside from 2 arguments and his inability to talk to me when he gets mad we get along wonderfully and agree on most things and have quite a bit in common so I really do see the compatibility here. I really do care for this guy. People keep telling me that there are other fish in the sea and to let him go, etc, but I feel like that would be a mistake. I really feel that he's the one for me if we can get past this. The problem is that I feel the only way that we're going to work this out is by being together in the same place in front of each other. When we're together everything is fine. I'm just afraid that by not being around me his feelings will change. I know I need to be patient, but I don't want to give him too much time to get used to not having me there. He's already had a few weeks of that and I guess that's what scares me. I don't want to lose him. I know I can't force the situation, but he's at this point now where he's making a little more effort than he was and I just don't know what to do now. He is answering my calls now, but didn't reply to my last text. I know that he's not seeing anyone. He's fond of the online dating thing. That's how we met. He had reposted his profiles, but when he realized I found out about him reposting his profiles while we were apart he took them all down again real fast. I guess he was afraid it would hurt me or something. I've checked all the sites so I know he's not doing that again. I want to believe that maybe he really just needs some space, but how do I let him know that I care and convince him to give me another chance? How do I get him in the same room with me to remind him about how good we are together? I don't want to smother him, but at the same time I don't want to put too much distance between us. I know I have to be the one to make the initiative and he'll eventually come around. I'm just not sure what to do. Also, his birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'd like to spend it with him. I was hoping he'd let me take him to dinner to celebrate, but the fact that he wouldn't come over for dinner on Wednesday night kind of makes me think that won't happen. Any suggestions? I thought about taking him over a cupcake this weekend and just saying something like, "well you missed dinner so I thought I'd bring you dessert." Would that be okay? I've also thought about making up a gift certificate for his birthday good for one dinner out with me and emailing it to him. I even thought of ways I could put in terms at the bottom in fine print about how failure to reply may result in being ambushed and forced to eat cheesecake. Something funny along those lines, but something that says "hey, give me a chance." I really don't want to ambush him or go over there unannounced, but I'm not sure what to do. So guys, what things have girls done that have won you over? I'm not trying to sound rude when I say this, but if your answer is to just let him go then please move to a different thread. I may come to realize that eventually, but I'm not there yet and I'm really only looking for serious answers right now. Thanks for reading.
daphne Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It sounds like he talks too little, you talk too much. Your post repeats itself. Perhaps he's overwhelmed by your need to over communicate? I'm not saying it to try to be hurtful. Just an observation of what appears to be a difference in your styles. Do you really think he's worth pursuing this hard? You seem to want it and he's not sure. Pursuing him isn't working all that much this time. Perhaps if you left him alone and did your own thing he'd stop backing away. I think you have an established pattern where you'll communicate and make all of the effort in the relationship, and he's just along for the ride. Is that really something you want long term?
Author Lisa73 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Your probably right about the overcommunicating thing. I'll have to watch that. I think it might be a nervous habit. I think I'm scared of losing him and trying too hard. It's only been like this recently and I think I understand why now.
daphne Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Being afraid to lose someone can generally send the person in the opposite direction intended. Try to focus on how he's behaving and not really doing much to try to make things work. Not on how you think you should be perfect and do all of the work, or else he may leave. It makes it easier to back off and gain perspective. He's not perfect. And he's partially responsible for the health and maintenance of the relationship. Unfortunately, he's just sitting back and waiting for you to make things work and has put himself in the role to decide if what you're doing is good enough. Sounds like he's got a good gig, but you don't.
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