GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 So its only been 3 weeks since the end of my five year realtionship....was dramatically dumped out of no where......at first devestated - current status- healing well! Sleeping soundly, appetite back, laughing, social life on the upswing, working out, trip to Australia to look forward to, can listen to Adele and not cry LOL... I didnt brush over my emotions either- I went to therapy/cried a lot/read 'its called a Breakup not a BreakDown' and journaled I really feel like I know its over and Im moving on!! Last night I even had a vivid dream where he came back, tried to keep going with the relationship and move back in and I was like 'Im sorry- no. I actually want my new roomie to move in more' I was so happy in the morning, that even in my dreams I DONT want him back!! I've also been on two first dates with two different guys...and both want second dates. Im only 25, and the idea of dating again is quite fun and exciting! The first guy is a 27 year old Spanish vet who saves whales&pandas and teaches and researches for a university and has an accent...the second guy is a guitar playing firefighter/paramedic who I seem to be able to talk with for hours,we just click! I feel ready, but all the 'rebound caution!!' advice is in my head. What do you guys think? Am I going too fast? In my opinion- if Im not reeling emotionally anymore, why should I wait? Life is short!
nick d Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Well it all depends.. First off, how long were you and your ex together?
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 5 years..though about a year and a half long distance.
ChrisMac Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Rebounds are completely okay as long as you're extremely up front with the guy(s) about it. Just tell them that you just came out of a difficult breakup and probably are not up for anything serious but let's see where it goes. They can't complain, and might even like the idea of a fun girl who has no longer-term motives.
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 When do I mention that...Ive done the introdcutory first date with them...so second date, third date? How do I even bring it up? I dont want to scare them off lol, or make them think Im JUST looking for a fling (I enjoy getting to know people and learn new things from them etc and am open to relationships- though Im not getting married ANYTIME soon haha)
jus d'orange Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I'd advise lots and lots of caution. Even if you are up front with them about just coming out of a long term relationship, at the end of which you were devastated, you still risk hurting your own healing process by dating too soon. What's the rush? Maybe spend some time with the guys, but I don't think it's a good idea to be doing any serious dating. Your brain, chemically speaking, still needs more time to readjust to being alone. Right now, you are in danger of filling a rejection void with someone else who isn't ready to fill it. Whether you realize it or not, you are likely to become too attached and too serious because that's what your brain is looking for, and thus any possible rejection or anything not working out will hurt more than it should. Take it really slow, be upfront -- but most of all, give yourself more time to adjust to being single. You'll feel better in the long run if you KNOW that you gave yourself time to be alone and feel strong and independent before you went back down the path to a committed relationship.
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I'd advise lots and lots of caution. Even if you are up front with them about just coming out of a long term relationship, at the end of which you were devastated, you still risk hurting your own healing process by dating too soon. What's the rush? Maybe spend some time with the guys, but I don't think it's a good idea to be doing any serious dating. Your brain, chemically speaking, still needs more time to readjust to being alone. Right now, you are in danger of filling a rejection void with someone else who isn't ready to fill it. Whether you realize it or not, you are likely to become too attached and too serious because that's what your brain is looking for, and thus any possible rejection or anything not working out will hurt more than it should. Take it really slow, be upfront -- but most of all, give yourself more time to adjust to being single. You'll feel better in the long run if you KNOW that you gave yourself time to be alone and feel strong and independent before you went back down the path to a committed relationship. Thanks for your advice. Thats the one thing I have thought of- could I handle rejection, if one of them suddenly DIDNT want to see me...its a tough question. I dont think I would EVER handle rejection well lol! But you are right, it would probably hurt more than it should if Im not totally healed! I think I will keep it VERY causal. We can hang out and do fun stuff together, but I will spend more time with my friends than men and more time alone too! I have a month in Australia coming up in April so that will be a forced break on whatever develops in the next month with these two dates of mine
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 P.S GUYS- any wording you could give me for this - how to phrase it in a way that wouldnt freak a guy out?! Help appreciated!! P.P.S - Should I bring it up in person or via phone/text?
nick d Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 P.S GUYS- any wording you could give me for this - how to phrase it in a way that wouldnt freak a guy out?! Help appreciated!! P.P.S - Should I bring it up in person or via phone/text? Definately in person.. Just make sure they know you've just barely gotten out of a long relationship.
ChrisMac Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 P.S GUYS- any wording you could give me for this - how to phrase it in a way that wouldnt freak a guy out?! Help appreciated!! P.P.S - Should I bring it up in person or via phone/text? I don't think there's anything wrong with just smiling at a pause in the conversation and going "Sooo... I should probably tell you that I'm fresh out of a bad situation and am probably not worth much for dating right now. If you're cool with us just taking it slow and having fun, that's fantastic, if not, totally understand." They will of course say they understand. Poor you.
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I don't think there's anything wrong with just smiling at a pause in the conversation and going "Sooo... I should probably tell you that I'm fresh out of a bad situation and am probably not worth much for dating right now. If you're cool with us just taking it slow and having fun, that's fantastic, if not, totally understand." They will of course say they understand. Poor you. haha....thanks Chris! Thats perfect.
96Firebird Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Or you can casually start talking about past relationships and bring it up. Who knows, they might be in the same boat...
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Or you can casually start talking about past relationships and bring it up. Who knows, they might be in the same boat... I dont know if I want to mention that much about the relationship at all...im positive about it but isnt it a big 'no no' to talk about your ex on a date? Or do you mean not mention the 'ex' but just the relationship? We have discussed evolving as people etc. so I could work in 'Yeah I have learned so much from being in a long relationship...it ended recently but Im grateful for everything Ive learnt. And its great to be single again and get in touch with my individuality and rediscover my person freedom...'
Author GKM Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 P.S - should I mention we were legally married (at the courthouse) so I could move to the USA and be with him? Or save that juicy tidbit for later....or could it be even worse later if he finds out I was legally married and didnt say anything?
KissingItBetter Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It's never too early to start dating again. What's important is that you try to commit in a relationship too soon, you might just end up realizing that you haven't moved on yet. Kissingitbetter | Facebook
Author GKM Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Ok, dating advice needed! Second date on Saturday night with Spanish vetrinarian went well Firefighter has been calling and texting a lot after first date, had an hour long phone conversation last night and then he asked me out to the annual firefighters ball. The thing is- its on St. Patricks day and its quite a formal event...(probably not as fun as going to a bar with my girlfriends!!) Also, I feel like either its just him wanting me as his hot date for the night or its kind of a relationship move? Is it too much, should I decline? Or should I get out of my comfort zone and face my fears and buy a cocktail dress and go to the ball??
Nextlane Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Depends on you. I don't believe your ex is out of your system as you had a dream about him. Take time and be prepared. It's hard to let your heart go after such a long term relationship. Only time will tell, who knows the new guy may just win your heart completely.
Author GKM Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Im over our hopes/dreams together etc, and Im not in love with him anymore (his douchebag behaviour has really helped with that!) The only thing that upsets me is HOW someone who was so close to me and apparently cared for me so much could have treated me the way he did during the break up. He also wouldnt let me keep his gun (I slept with a little handgun of his by the bed) during my interviews with people off craigslist to move into my house with me (im not a big gun freak, Im just scared of craigslist people lol) Thankfully I googled everyone who applied and found a really nice girl to move in (and not this 30 year old dude who wanted to come over- guess what I found on google- he was a convicted robber!! He had a mugshot up on the local police site...) I just wanted to share this amazing thing my mother said to me this morning. She said 'just have fun, dont do a serious realtionship right now' OH MY GOD....my mother was the most conservative, religious person when I was growing up EVER (wait until marriage blah blah) and NOW after my 5 year marriage falls apart shes like 'just have fun' HAHA...well if I had any residual guilt from my religious upbriging I guess this means its gone as my own mother has told to me to 'just have fun'
gotye Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 it hasn't even been a week for me and I am light heartedly talking to guys but I won't set up any dates for a while I just am pretending I have been single for forever might be too soon but the attention to me is nice
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