BMZMJ Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Please bare with me - it is kind of long but I would love some opinions. Our relationship: I am 26 and she is 24. we had a special 'friendship' type of relationship of just under 5 years. we could do anything together and never get bored and we were so comfortable with each other that we could even fart, burp, and all kinds of things in front of each other, and very open too - no jealousy issues whatsoever. we also spoke about a future together often, kids, moving out, etc. we also dated for nearly a year in high school so I have known this woman since she was 15. why we broke up: To be honest I was a selfish invididual who always wanted my way with her. I would get upset at having to pick her up from work at late hours, I would get upset at having to visit her family, etc, so even though we had spoken about marriage, moving in, etc she saw those little things as warning signals that our relationship could get worse if we kept going. I also had a bad temper and would take my issues out on her, raising my voice, etc but of course never physically. As I said, I was a man about it and completely agreed with the break up, and that it was my fault and I admitted to my mistakes. Soon after our break up we agreed to give each other space. but we had frequent contact after a couple of days (she initiated it) and bumped into each other at the gym and worked out together, and flirted and laughed, etc and quite frankly nobody would have guessed we were broken up. she actually kept calling me 'babe, 'baby' throughout our work and I teased her about it. days later, she had a business trip and I drove her to a nearby airport to catch the flight and we spent the night at a hotel and had some good conversations about how I would want a future relationship but never begging her to take me back, etc. I did get down on my knees and sincerely apologized for making her suffer when she didnt deserve it. I told her how I wanted to improve myself and work on myself and that she had yet to see the best of me. Dropped her off and when we said goodbye without her realizing it, she said 'i love you' we kept minimal contact while she was away. Once she got back about 4 days later she wanted to hang out at the gym (workout together, etc) but this is when I made my mistake. I asked her to go out with me for dinner but she wanted to go as friends. Needless to say I didnt want that so I broke my own rules and started talking about how she should be willing to give me a chance to meet me again, etc. but she felt that I was pressuring her. I felt like I had lost any chance I had. So hours later I called her back saying I had to go see her to say goodbye. I said I couldnt be around her anymore. when I saw her, she started crying and said she was hurt, and confused and didnt know what she wanted. just before dropping her off, she admitted she didnt want me out of her life. she wanted to keep me close and wanted time for her to be on her own and she even said if we had a relationship she would want me to say "yes" more often, be less selfish, and more giving (which is really just how she is). she said she wanted to be on her own to realize that something is missing (me) and that she wants to feel like she needs me, wants me, etc. ...so am I hanging on to false hope?
ChrisMac Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I don't think you have false hope at all. Based on your story I think it's pretty clear that this girl adores you, but you've now scared her a few times and she's worried. I think you need to stop any attempt at contact until she messages you again (she will), and when she does you need to say very briefly "Look, I messed up but I recognize you need your space right now... let me know whenever you want to talk about how to fix this." And then just do nothing. She'll come back. 1
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 This one speaks to me because in a lot of cases I was in the same spot that she was in, but I could only wish that it was as light as your case. It wasn't that she didn't want to go, it was that I wasn't allowed to go. In this case I would give it time and work on yourself. But also realize that there is rarely anything that is 100% the fault of one person. What in the relationship were you unhappy with, as in times of pain we tend to blame ourselves and absolve our ex of guilt... or absolve ourselves and blame the ex for everything. Why were you so unhappy to go places with her? How will these things be resolved in the future? You need to give it time and the change must be true, not just a bandaid patch.
Author BMZMJ Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Very good point Philosoraptor. I think I just want her to myself sometimes and not necessarily share in the things she personally cherishes. We don't have a controlling relationship so for example instead of me going, sometimes I would offer her my car to go to her family's house. As I said I was selfish and didnt always care about her needs, or personal goals as much as she did but I always supported them. for example, I always told her I will support her goals and dreams but I wasnt willing to fully participate in them. She is a very understanding person and very open to doing anything and I got used to her wanting to do things I wanted to do, but I wasnt willing to do the same. ...and I do want to improve because I realize I treat everyone like that, including my own family. I told myself that even if she comes back to me I will tell her that I wasnt ready to restart until I felt I had a better grasp on my personal issues.
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Well work on yourself for now, but do not pressure her. Actions speak louder than words so she will see changes in you if you make them. But do not pressure her for now as she needs time to heal from her pain.
Author BMZMJ Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I just texted her "to a special person I know: Happy International women's day". That would be my last contact for a while.
tgr172 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) Man you sound like you have a video of my actions. The only difference was I wasnt particular what we did... wasnt selfish in that manner. However I was always waiting for some validation of her feelings for me. Some sort of acknowlegement. I became worried and fearful and when I was expecting her to feel as sure as I felt and she didnt react how I wanted her to I would think she doesent have it for me and get upset. Its a mistake of the mind not the heart. You are letting your thoughts and expectations project on to her, thinking "you are supposed to love me the same way I love you... dammit!). She may like the comfort and ease and security that she find only with you... no drama. How love affects her or grows in her might be entirely different than how it does in you. So dont expect the same responce. SHE ISNT YOU! Man being friends is good. She is telling you that you are who she wants to spend time with but youre beating her up about your feelings of love and its ruining your time together. Notice that when you are just yourself and enjoying her company with no stress how she really is into you? And when you get all over her about "why dont you love me in the way I want you to" it causes problems. Look man It seems to me she is really into you, feel secure in that, know when you are you and not looking way down the road no one comes close to you in her mind. If you are hopelessly in love then show it by beeing good to her, doing what she wants or likes or going to her places, go out of your way to be helpful when she is in need, if you love her that is how you show her not by mere words and not by overwhelming her with needyness. Its not about you man its about her! I made your mistake. Was good for quite a while but had one lapse and it was one too many. Wish someone would have grabbed me then and smacked some sense into me. Im hopeing you dont loose yours like I lost mine. So listen! Again those mistakes are your mind working not your heart. So its not like you are a bad guy or abusive. You are becomming afraid of loosing her and scared, fearfull. The funny thing is reacting to that is a self fulfilling prophacy. Be confident always and the person that attracted her to begin with. Never break from that. Edited March 8, 2012 by tgr172
Author BMZMJ Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Hi tgr172, I wasn't insecure or needy. If anything I took her for granted. I am still very sure of her love for me and she constantly admitted that I was the most important thing in her life so if anything I took that for granted and thought I coudl selfish things and get away with it. I wasn't needy at all. when she wanted to go out with friends I always said "have a good time" and I wouldnt even bother her or text her and she would eventually text me asking me how I was even though she was the one that was out. If anything, I wasn't loving enough, or selfless enough...none of my family members or friends could even believe it's over. they keep saying you guys get along so well, you will be back together (but those are people on my side) and I havent spoken to any of her friends. In fact, last night I gave her and a coworker a ride home and her coworker mentioned that she was feeling sick, and that I should massage her, pamper her, etc. obviously she didnt know we were broken up yet.
tgr172 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Needy might be the wrong term but My point is you indicated you got angry or upset when she didnt react to how YOU felt SHE should feel about the relationship. Maybe not needy but Im sorry there is a little insecurity there. Its not a bad word. most get defensive over saying that. If you were totally secure you wouldnt need that validation from her. We all go through that at some point in a relationship... youre normal. Great you did some nice things last night. be consistent in them . My opinion only.
Author BMZMJ Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 so are you saying I should continue picking her up every night? I also think I messed up 2 big chances in letting her come to me. As I said when we first broke up I said I agreed and I was fine and she even admitted that I took it so well. after 2 full days of no contact, she started texting me reminding me about some things she had, and I didnt reply. next day she texted again asking me how I was feeling. then after she came back from her trip (of 4 days) she initiated contact and wanted to hang out but that time I pressured her and instead of moving forward I started talking about the past. Now we are back to this no contact stage. I will agree with you that last time I spoke to her she said there was still some confidence issues and she said she wants me to learn to love myself.
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