Anxiety ruins second relationship in a year

[k100danny]

It seems my current relationship may be ending (well it is) we have been together almost 4 months and i suffer from panic disorder which makes visiting certain places difficult ect so we are limited in our activities. I knew this was a problem as i became an anxious mess in my previous relationship and that didn't end well. I felt very secure in this relationship but also under a lot of pressure to get my panic attacks under control because she is such a fun outdoor type person she obviously wants to do a lot of things outdoors together an go places together as normal couples do.

 

She eventually got frustrated and said that we don't have a future as i can't do a lot of things and it's not the fact that im ill that is pushing her away it's the fact i don't seem to be trying to get better (feel very safe in my comfort zone) I really am down at the minute. Getting over anxiety is very hard but i know i should have tried harder to do things with her if i was serious about a long term relationship.

 

This isn't a post asking for advice or anything just a rant as this only happened yesterday so it's still very fresh. we have a few things of each others that we will exchange and she has asked if we should try and be friends ( I said i don't think it's a good idea although i don't consider her an enemy friends can't be done not right now) Hopefully i will handle this break up better than my last one because i really didn't take that well, lost 2.5 stone in weight and it took months to feel myself again. I feel i was better prepared this time and maybe put a barrier up to stop me getting as hurt.

 

I wish i wasn't an anxious person and i could do all the things people take for granted without worrying. I know i would get the chance to have a very happy relationship then and a better quality of life. I guess i just have to work on myself and making myself happy before i enter another relationship.

[Mack05]

Glad you are being so mature about this and you know what you need to do to fully resolve. About 6 months ago I came out of a relationship with someone who had unreoslved anger issues and anxiety issues. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be in a relationship with someone like this. Honestly I hate to sound harsh but if I came across a guy taking pills for anxiety, I wouldn't get involved in the relationship with him. In my eyes taking these pills is hiding a myriad of problems. If I am wrong or harsh I apologise but I just won't take the risk...

 

Couldn't agree more...

[k100danny]

No i don't think that is harsh at all. after the relationship before this one ended so badly (first relationship in many years) I knew i shouldnt get into one until i had resolved my issues, i just wanted to date and move on really with my life but then we met, it started quite quickly and before i knew it we were in a relationship which i think we both wanted. I always kind of felt like i was holding her back though and find of guilty about not being able to do things that other people could do with her so I kind of held off.

 

I have tried to be as honest a possible and think things through and i know it can't work how it is but it doesn't make it a lot easier really. She said if i was trying to get better that would be enough for her and she would be happy, but she had said things like how would we ever have kids or get married ect in the future if we stayed together which added HUGE pressure on me as i didn't want her to feel trapped in this relationship as much as i cared and wanted it to work i cared enough not to be selfish and promise her the world when i knew I may not be able to deliver those promises.

[westrock]

What have you been doing to help resolve your feelings of anxiety and panic attacks?

[ThatBwoii]

Try about 600 - 800mg of Rhodiola Rosea Root per day it worked wonders for me

[k100danny]

I used to go to therapy but i stopped going, my therapist had some time away for family reasons and it was a big step getting back into it. during this relationship i admit i didn't do a lot, I maybe felt out of my depth or that i wouldn't be able to do it I dont know. As i could sense the relationship ending due to frustration on her part and me feeling guilty i went back to the doctors and have made an appointment to see my therapist again and see if i can work out these issues. I don't think i was in the right place to start a relationship and even though she said she would be happy if i was making more of an effort i think i would still feel like a burden and she would eventually realise i am not fully able to do things that most can, not at this moment in time and maybe not for a long time even with treatment.

 

I have tried to stay away from meds as i have been on them before and they just tend to mask the anxiety symptoms and not deal with the psychologial side which i would have to do to become fully well again. Im keeping my fingers crossed and trying to look on the bright side, very hard at the minute but i do not blame her one bit for being frustrated and us both deciding it would be hard for it to work out.

[ChrisMac]

I have tried to stay away from meds as i have been on them before and they just tend to mask the anxiety symptoms and not deal with the psychologial side which i would have to do to become fully well again. Im keeping my fingers crossed and trying to look on the bright side, very hard at the minute but i do not blame her one bit for being frustrated and us both deciding it would be hard for it to work out.

 

Anxiety and the meds I took for it absolutely destroyed the best relationship I've ever had. My girl had to move abroad, and after two years of LDR with no end in sight, and me not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, we both started having panic attacks and I just was constantly battling with this very physical shakiness and pressure every day. No WAY I could date, much less be happy with someone.

 

After a little less than a year of this, I started taking Klonopin, which got rid of the anxiety, but also all my other emotions. I became a logic robot. I dumped my girlfriend who I loved more than anything in the world, saying it didn't make sense to date someone overseas. After a few weeks of this, my prescription ran out, and I went into withdrawal so bad that I seriously freaked out on a flight home.

 

I apologized to my girlfriend, who took me back with caution, and stopped taking Klonopin and switched to some softer antidepressants, which also killed my emotions and were even less effective on the anxiety.

 

After trying a few different kinds over the next few months, July rolled around and, with emotions still gone, I broke up with her again. She begged for me not to, said if I did she would never trust me again, but robot-me said no, I got to, this doesn't make sense. But I stopped taking all drugs. I also started applying to grad schools overseas, and doing well at work, and am shocked to find my scores are good enough that I can get into a Top 20 school.

 

Four months later, I'm feeling like my amazing, old self again, with goals and dreams and laughter and no anxiety, and I call her to let her know how sorry am, and to tell her I'm moving there to go to school and make things work for real... and she's started seeing someone else and tells me to f%#^ off. Which of course I deserve. I go through with the school anyway and it's the best thing I ever did.

 

I have a new life now in Europe, with amazing new friends and a much bigger sense of self and self-confidence, and I know that while the anxiety will occasionally come back, I can deal with it.

 

The most important lessons here:

 

1) The anxiety IS temporary. It's NOT permanent. You WILL get over it. But:

2) It IS being caused by something or somethings in your life, and you have to figure out what those causes are and get rid of them.

Best of luck, man.

Edited March 8, 2012 by ChrisMac

[Feelin Frisky]

Glad you are being so mature about this and you know what you need to do to fully resolve. About 6 months ago I came out of a relationship with someone who had unreoslved anger issues and anxiety issues. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be in a relationship with someone like this. Honestly I hate to sound harsh but if I came across a guy taking pills for anxiety, I wouldn't get involved in the relationship with him. In my eyes taking these pills is hiding a myriad of problems. If I am wrong or harsh I apologise but I just won't take the risk...

 

Your comment propagates misinformation and I'm called to bring it to your attention. "Pills" are not all the same. People who think that all "pills" are the same are applying outdated information that became rendered so in the 1980s and 90s when medicine took a different route from the age old model of simply giving a person a martini in a "pill" to sedate the symptoms away in the moment. Instead medication today treats the chemistry of anxiety preventively and has no "pill effect" on the person's central nervous system. So, people taking medication that helps them achieve freedom from anxiety is a strength they should be credited with and not a fault they should be stigmatized with. If the fact that they are not perfect still bothers you and you reject everyone who treats their maladies, that's your choice. But the big white-wash brush you use when you refer to "pills" in the manner you did is unfairly prejudicial and reflects a lack of knowledge and understanding that can dissuade sufferers from getting the treatment that will give them a chance with someone less perfectionist about other people.

[ChrisMac]

Honestly you are right. My post is full of mis information. I have no idea what anxiety medication is. The point I am making is that I will never date again anyone from either a bad childhood, or who is on medication. Anyone who previously suffered from an addiction or who cheated previously..Am I being foolish? Probably, but this is a personal choice after being badly burnt. People with such baggage and a total drain and I refuse to ever get involved with people who live their lives in denial, shifting blame everywhere. Is that black and white? Is that an 'immature' attitude? Absolutely, but its a decision I have made and a decision I will stick to.

 

I've never met someone whose anxiety was purely chemical. It always, always is due to some sort of baggage or fear or worries they're not dealing with. The human subconscious is like a computer's RAM, and when you have problems, either in the present or your past, your subconscious is constantly churning away, processing it, looking at it in different angles. And when these problems get to be too much, your RAM maxes out and manifests as anxiety... tremors, fear, unhappiness, sleeplessness, panic attacks.

 

You gotta face whatever's bothering you deep down, find the root cause, rip it out, fix it.

 

Pills... yes, they've come a long way. But they don't fix anything. And they almost always change you in some way. Nothing has zero side effects. I tried half a dozen different anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and all of them suppressed my god-given spontaneity and happiness and ability to love someone else. Most of them killed my sex drive.

 

Take the pills if you have to, but figure out what's causing the problems and fix them.

[Feelin Frisky]

Anxiety is always chemical. There are psychological reasons why an attack is triggered but the nature of it and the intensity are matters of chemical problems. I will not call them "imbalances" because that is so cliche and a catch-all that doesn't reveal any direction on how to see it anew so that a person gets a sense that there are more ways to address this than just one or two or three. In the past, psychiatrists have thrown sedation at anxiety (and some still do). There is a big problem with sedation and it's not an answer. If a person has been taking Xanax for instance and it played a part in a bad relationship, they shouldn't think that "medication" in general caused their problem. Sedation was a bad answer for them.

 

Some doctors try to treat anxiety with serotonin neurotransmitter medications and those can be successful in helping a person general understand their feelings. But they do not usually help intense attacks. Anxiety is not having a screw loose. More often than not it is caused by biology in which an important natural chemical called gaba amino-butyric acid is not present in sufficient quantity to allow the by-products of cellular transmission of nutrients and oxygen to be completed. Atoms of chlorine especially become trapped and the brain and body experience the feeling of alarm we call anxiety. Science is looking at how to better treat the production of this neurotransmitter and/or find what might depress our natural production of it. So, there is an avenue of medicine other than the sedative and other than the Prozac which treats the biology. One medicine used is called Neurontin (gabapentin) and that helps boost production of gaba aminobutyric acid so that panic attacks go away. I know about this because I messed up my system with health store supplements that should not be available to the public. I had panic attacks and general anxiety disorder and never had that before. I learned my way out of it and found the right medications. I don't need the medication any more because I regained the normal production of gaba and the normal biology that I had artificially trampled with over-the-counter supplements that did the opposite of what they claimed. They did not relax me, they told my natural production systems to cease producing chemicals I needed and the result was the biology of a fear-stricken sleep-deprived nut.

[NXS]

OP, here's a self-help group that deals with anxiety/panic attacks/depression etc:

 

Recovery International Meetings - Abraham Low Self-Help Systems

 

It worked for me after 18 years of trying to deal with anxiety and phobias.

[ChrisMac]

One medicine used is called Neurontin (gabapentin) and that helps boost production of gaba aminobutyric acid so that panic attacks go away. I know about this because I messed up my system with health store supplements that should not be available to the public. I had panic attacks and general anxiety disorder and never had that before. I learned my way out of it and found the right medications. I don't need the medication any more because I regained the normal production of gaba and the normal biology that I had artificially trampled with over-the-counter supplements that did the opposite of what they claimed. They did not relax me, they told my natural production systems to cease producing chemicals I needed and the result was the biology of a fear-stricken sleep-deprived nut.

 

I'm willing to accept that there may be situations that may be purely chemical. That an otherwise content, satisfied, well-off person with few to no problems and great friends and a solid income could suddenly start having anxiety issues for reasons only chemical.

 

But I've never experienced this. What I have experienced is dozens of really great, solid, decent friends who suddenly start dealing with serious panic and anxiety issues right around their 30's, when they suddenly are facing the reality that they're not sure what they're going to do with their future, and they're either single or dating someone "just okay" and aren't sure whether marriage and kids will ever happen to them, and "whoa! I've got serious anxiety issues". And pills make the anxiety symptoms go away, but when the pills stop it all comes back. I went through this for the worst two years of my life.

 

And then I did something about it. I decided I wasn't go to be passive and just "let my life happen" and quit my job and went back to grad school and made a ton of unbelievable friends and ended up dating three amazing women and holy sh|t I've never felt less anxiety in my life... well, until I got dumped three weeks ago.

 

But yeah, if pills are your thing, go for it.

[smokey bear]

To the OP, i was exactly like you, my life cut down to almost a 5 mile circle around my home, i refused all meds, i would not accept any, i didnt want to be dependant for life.

 

2 things that helped me to the point of being nearly 100%normal

 

1) hypnotherapy, a lot of people dont believe in it but it saved my life, 4 sessions was all i had. My life was so terrible i couldnt eat, sleep, function for almost 7 years. I panicked about everything for every waking moment of my day, i was on the verge of suicide. Being rock bottom and my will power to get better, i think, made the hypno work for me.

 

2)When i turned 25 and "grew up" mentally, the last of my panics disappeared almost completely.

[sweetheart5381]

I have to comment on this thread.

 

I was diagnosed with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 2 yrs ago - stemming from both abuse as a child and domestic abuse as a spouse. An attempt on my life by my ex-spouse brought all the terrifying memories back to the surface.

 

For anyone reading this, please understand that anxiety is literal hell at times - panic is aweful. The things I could do a few short years ago I cannot do now without a reaction. We do not choose this disorder, and we are not "crazy". It is a chemical response in the brain, nothing more, nothing less.

 

An anxiety disorder diagnosis does not mean that we are not capable of having a relationship, or loving another completely, it means we deal with tremendous fear on a regular basis. Fear is not a nice emotion to deal with, just think of nightmares... are they easy to deal with? Now, deal with them everyday in your day-to-day life. Not easy to deal with that's for sure... it is an illness just like diabetes or asthma.

 

Funny that society views those with mental illness as "weak", as in, "just get over it", etc. Sufferers are very stong in fact.. because they are constantly ridiculed for having a mental disorder and suffer because of the stigmatism associated.

[tornangel]

I think that you honestly have to accept that you have changed ( ur brain chemicals) and you cant just go back to how you were. Sometimes we really have to accept ourselves exactly how we are , bottom line. Having apnic disorder or PTSD doesnt make us different or any less lovable. so just remember that anxiety didnt ruin ur relationship . U need to feel safe, everyone has different safety zones for whatever reasons. Someday you will find someone who completely accepts you, but first it starts by accepting urself. Never change who you are for ANYONE but urself. The most important relationships u will have in life starts with ur own relationship with urself.

[tornangel]

Sweetheart: I can completely relate to what u were saying. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD from domestic abuse and stuff. It sucks because like u said, I used to be able to do anything, go anywhere. But after being traumatized my mind just avoids certain places, no matter how irrational it seems. And trust me I have been thru counseling, etc . The sad part is that people who are not well educated about the affects of trauma honestly need some serious help in my opinion before they judge. The ultimate issue for PTSD survivors is safety. My safety is the most important thing now. I value it and everything my body does to ensure it . But I honestly can relate. Trauma changes a person for sure...

[KathyM]

It's good that you are going back to seeing a therapist. The therapist can decide what is the best treatment plan for you, whether that means some type of cognitive behavioral therapy to help you deal with the underlying fears that are most likely causing your anxiety, as well as to help you learn coping and relaxation techniques to help you deal with and counter your panic attacks, or whether that means using some type of medication to control the anxiety response. Sometimes, therapists recommend both forms of treatment--phychotherapy combined with medication. It's good you are going back to therapy so you can get more control over your life and be able to live a more satisfying life. That's a step in the right direction.