WIDESTI Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Alright well, my fiancé and I have a 9 month old son together. We use to have a wonderful sex life till she got pregnant, anywhere between 3-4 times a day! Well since our son has born we had sex probably twice. We argue all the time, and now she stays at our place I'm staying at my parents every night, to get some breathing room. I still go over after work but sleep at my parents. She is a great mom, puts our son first. Lately we fight all kinds and I feel even more disconnected since our "separation". I work while she takes care of our son and goes to school. I just want things back to how it was, I know that's a lot of expect but has anyone successfully gotten back? Has your wife's libido got back to normal? Any advice, words of wisdom, comments, will def be appreciated.
standtall Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 We use to have a wonderful sex life till she got pregnant, anywhere between 3-4 times a day! Wow dude! You're the man!! I remember those days... She is a great mom, puts our son first. is a problem. When you get married, you're supposed to put your spouse first..even over your own children. If you don't hash this out from the get go, you're going to be in for some big problems later. 1
giotto Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Do you argue all the time because of sex or also for other reasons? Women's hormones go petty wild during and after pregnancy. Is she still breastfeeding (if she ever did)? It's not uncommon for the libido to disappear in "mommy" mode. I must - unfortunately - say that my wife's never got back to normal after the kids, but a big big mistake you can make is to put your wife under pressure to have sex when she doesn't feel like. I did and it got even worse. Women's body changes a lot too and she might have a problem with this. What does she say about the situation? Has she given you reasons? Of course, it must a bit of a shock for you, going from 3-4 times a day to almost nothing. At least we were having sex only once a week before the kids. I would say: talk to her, try and understand and don't put her under pressure. If necessary, marriage counselling could help. Good luck!
xxoo Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Pregnancy and birth/nursing can have an effect on a woman's libido, but libido should return to normal after a few months, if she has stopped nursing (can take longer if she is nursing). After that, her desire to have sex with you will have more to do with your relationship than having had a baby. Having a child together is a HUGE stress event. It challenges every couple. How the couple handles the challenge (working together, growing closer....or fighting each other, pulling apart) will impact the amt of sex in the post-baby years. What are you fighting about? Can you wave a white flag, and ask for a truce? Forget about sex for the moment, and just focus on being kind and loving toward each other for a month. Next step, have an honest discussion about how much you miss having sexual intimacy with her. Tell her how you feel so connected and loved by her during sex, and you are struggling with missing that connection. 1
Author WIDESTI Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Se is no longer breast feeding. I heard that libido comes back (she's only 22) so I'm hopeful but I've also read where it's never been the same. When we argue it is about almost every damn thing and sometimes about the intimacy issue. I learned that by pushing the sex issue does not help so I have stepped back but I feel if we had a more intimate relationship like in the beginning that the entirety of it will get better? I love her to death she's the most beautiful girl Ive came across, very carin, so I've jus been waiting patiently in hopes things get better. It gets harder and I'm feeling more and more disconnected. Thanks for the advice so far
Lauriebell82 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Se is no longer breast feeding. I heard that libido comes back (she's only 22) so I'm hopeful but I've also read where it's never been the same. When we argue it is about almost every damn thing and sometimes about the intimacy issue. I learned that by pushing the sex issue does not help so I have stepped back but I feel if we had a more intimate relationship like in the beginning that the entirety of it will get better? I love her to death she's the most beautiful girl Ive came across, very carin, so I've jus been waiting patiently in hopes things get better. It gets harder and I'm feeling more and more disconnected. Thanks for the advice so far I don't think having more sex is going to solve your problems, it sounds like there are more issues then that. Have you considered couples counseling? It sounds like all the stress of the new baby are just causing you to both be on edge, therefore unable to communicate with one another. Counseling may help with that. 1
standtall Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I don't think having more sex is going to solve your problems, it sounds like there are more issues then that. Maybe more problems from her end, but with a guy more sex fixes a a lot of things, and the lack of sex is what his complaint is.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Maybe more problems from her end, but with a guy more sex fixes a a lot of things, and the lack of sex is what his complaint is. His complaint is also that they can't stop arguing. I suppose that an increase in sex would stop the arguing, but unless they are ONLY arguing over the lack of sex, then there may be additional problems beyond his wife's decreased labido. If they don't get along everytime there isn't as much sex in their relationship, then I would say THAT itself is a problem.
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 His complaint is also that they can't stop arguing. I suppose that an increase in sex would stop the arguing, but unless they are ONLY arguing over the lack of sex, then there may be additional problems beyond his wife's decreased labido. If they don't get along everytime there isn't as much sex in their relationship, then I would say THAT itself is a problem. I think that there can be more arguing when there is less sex, because less sex can lead to the couple feeling disconnected. It can also lead to resentment on the side of the person with higher libido, meaning less tolerance of little things, and more arguing. Sex can be a "lubricant" in relationships, increasing loving feelings and closeness and "give"--letting the little stuff go. Without it, people "rub". But on the other hand, his wife may feel very uncomfortable having sex right now, with all the arguing and distance in the relationship. They need to create enough peace for her to feel reasonably safe, and then the OP can address the sex issue head-on. 2
maybealone Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 His complaint is also that they can't stop arguing. I suppose that an increase in sex would stop the arguing, but unless they are ONLY arguing over the lack of sex, then there may be additional problems beyond his wife's decreased labido. I agree that there is probably more to the issue, but speaking for myself, I am A LOT less likely to pick fights if I'm getting sex regularly. Lack of sex makes me irritable, which makes me more likely to pick fights. I have no experience with libido after birth since I didn't have kids, but it sounds like she could be in "Mommy" mode instead of "wife and mother" mode. In my experience, some women don't realize that the need to keep their marriage a priority after having kids, even to the point of calling their husbands "jealous" of the baby if they expect the wife to still spend time with them after the baby arrives.
SadGrl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Divorce the girl and find another, who loves to have sex with you. No sex is broken contract of marriage agreement. She broke the contract and that is reason for the divorce. A woman's job and obligations in marriage, are sex and sandwiches!
standtall Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Wow, the more I read this thread, the more I realize why men are into porn and staying single..... Edited March 9, 2012 by standtall
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Wow, the more I read this thread, the more I realize why men are into porn and staying single..... Why? Couples have to work at understanding each other. If it is too much trouble to be patient and kind, and communicate openly, then by all means keep to the porn... As common as it comes up on LS, I think the "no sex after kids" scenario is rare in real life. Married people still have more sex on average than singles. And I've dished about sex with many, many moms in my years on the playground. Moms have sex. Mom with babies, however, have a lot less sex than moms with older kids. Zero sex is extreme, but a drop should be expected for that first year. Edited March 9, 2012 by xxoo 1
Stillgrowing Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) I know that when I had my first child it was really, really rough on me. I felt all out of sorts for months and even tho my baby slept through the night early (8 weeks old) I still was hypersensitve through the night and did not sleep well until she was probably over a year old and then right after that we had another one who I swear did not sleep through the night until we got her a dog to sleep with at age 8! I went from previously wanting to be intimate to wishing my husband would just go away and at that point we had been together 10 years. It still hasn't come back to the degree he wishes it would (another 12 years has now passed) but I think most males would think a few times a week is okay. I can tell you that I was nicer to him in many ways when he would (very rarely) say, "if the baby wakes up tonight, I'll get her and I've got morning so you can sleep in". It was like a weight was lifted. He never caught on that the two were connected and I was too concerned with playing the martyr to say it outright. I was also a little resentful of how much my life changed and how little his had (from my perspective) to realize how much sh&t he was going through and I was 31 when I had my first child and had gotten to just enjoy my 20's without too much responsibility (other than job and mortgage). Your fiance may be mourning what she is losing while celebrating what she has gained and you may be pushed to the side while that all sorts itself out. Edited March 9, 2012 by Stillgrowing added missing info.
standtall Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Why? Because wives/women can be such a pain in the butt and a lot of work, when a guy merely wants to get off. Men have this magical ability to separate sex from emotion and feelings.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Because wives/women can be such a pain in the butt and a lot of work, when a guy merely wants to get off. Men have this magical ability to separate sex from emotion and feelings. The pot calling the kettle black. Men aren't a walk in the park either buddy. 2
standtall Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 The pot calling the kettle black. Men aren't a walk in the park either buddy. I'm talking about the OP's lack of sex here, nothing else. When a woman wants to have sex, she doesn't have to nurture and be sweet to a guy for a 3 day run up to the event, she just has to shake her a**, and a guy is good to go. Most men don't care about the rest, if they say they do, they're lying.
xxoo Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I'm talking about the OP's lack of sex here, nothing else. When a woman wants to have sex, she doesn't have to nurture and be sweet to a guy for a 3 day run up to the event, she just has to shake her a**, and a guy is good to go. Most men don't care about the rest, if they say they do, they're lying. Then why get in relationships at all? I don't buy that men don't care about anything but sex. Men might be ok with a bitchy wife for a while if she puts out regularly, but eventually it'll get old and he'll lose interest. 3
standtall Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Then why get in relationships at all? . My point exactly..Particularly with bitchy people.
Art_Critic Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I know that when I had my first child it was really, really rough on me. I felt all out of sorts for months and even tho my baby slept through the night early (8 weeks old) I still was hypersensitve through the night and did not sleep well until she was probably over a year old and then right after that we had another one who I swear did not sleep through the night until we got her a dog to sleep with at age 8! I went from previously wanting to be intimate to wishing my husband would just go away and at that point we had been together 10 years. It still hasn't come back to the degree he wishes it would (another 12 years has now passed) but I think most males would think a few times a week is okay. I can tell you that I was nicer to him in many ways when he would (very rarely) say, "if the baby wakes up tonight, I'll get her and I've got morning so you can sleep in". It was like a weight was lifted. He never caught on that the two were connected and I was too concerned with playing the martyr to say it outright. I was also a little resentful of how much my life changed and how little his had (from my perspective) to realize how much sh&t he was going through and I was 31 when I had my first child and had gotten to just enjoy my 20's without too much responsibility (other than job and mortgage). Your fiance may be mourning what she is losing while celebrating what she has gained and you may be pushed to the side while that all sorts itself out. OP..I think you need to read this posters post a couple of times... There is much truth in her words...
The Blue Knight Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Successful marriages are based on putting each other first. I had a relative who did the same thing to her husband. They went from several years of just each other and quality time together to them having kids and from that day forward sex was strictly for procreative purposes in HER mind. It was a radical change and the adjustment finally drove him off to another woman after a few years of feeling like he was a third wheel in his own home. Your marriage won't make it if this continues. Personally, I'll never be able to figure these women out. Do they actually think that they can go from 3 to 4 times a day of sexual intimacy with their husbands to what you have today . . . scarcely any sex at all? I get it that in the first two or three months after a baby is born there's going to be nurturing time and a chance for the new mom to adapt and develop her new-found mothering skills. But how in the world do females assume that a relationship is going to change that drastically without some fallout? 1
The Blue Knight Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Then why get in relationships at all? I don't buy that men don't care about anything but sex. Men might be ok with a bitchy wife for a while if she puts out regularly, but eventually it'll get old and he'll lose interest. Amen sister. You can only deal with high maintenance 24/7 for so long and then all the cuteness and sex begins to take a back seat. 1
SoMovinOn Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I just recently read about the results of a recent long term study which concluded having children almost always diminishes a relationship - couples reported being less happy, having more problems, etc. I have long said the worst thing a man can do to a woman is get her pregnant, and the worst thing a couple can do to their relationship is have kids. It would seem what you are seeing is completely normal.
carhill Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Long engagement would be my advice. Do your part. Suggest PMC. Set a timeline for yourself which preserves your sensibilities and execute it.
Funsize Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 It well could be PNT, Sometimes the depression isn't obvious nor is it always directed at the child.
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