Its been a while...MIno

[Mino]

Hi to all! Wow time sure has gone by, thought I would give an update, and maybe get some advice as well. Things have been going good. My partner has been D for over a year. and were going on our 2 year of living together. Its not been easy road, and we are still not quiet were I want to be. Its all very slow moving. His child still does not come to our home. She is almost 6. This has been very painful, because I am still excluded. He is very active in coparenting, and his ex feels he need to be engaged or married before intergrating the child. This has caused a bit of arguements from me... feeling left out many times. It got to the point where I asked him to move several months ago... because I feel he still has this seperate life and has not intergrated he life completely into mine . So here we are, 6 year A, going on 2 year as a living together couple... I was hoping that we would finally get engaged and be married. So christmas comes and goes, so does Valentine, my b day, his b day... Im getting fusterated. So today I asked the question of "when and what his intentions are. I also want to mention the fact before he moved in, I had broken up and he would stand at the door in tears, saying he want to marry, blah blah. I would not have let him move in if I thought I was only going to live with him. So his response today was No, I dont want to marry you NOW... We have had a rough year ( his fault, because he was dealing with his D) He says he does want to marry me in the future... So now Im pissed.... I feel mislead. I have waited 6 years for him in the A, now almost another 2 living with him... What would you advise me at this point? He says he is gunshy! Hell he is the one who had the affair! I dont get it... So he says he will slowly bring his child over, but I feel im in limbo again, with this waiting game... Now im just tired.

[RRM]

If he's followed through on his words before with real actions, then I would give him some time. I can see why he would need some time after getting divorced, but I would say give him AT MOST a year. If he's not willing to marry you by then, I'd move on.

[whichwayisup]

((Mino)) Missed you and I'm glad to see you do an update! Stick around a bit.. Hope the rest of your life is going well, your health, job, friends etc..

 

Some transitions after an A are easier than others but because there is a young child involved, it makes things harder.

 

I do think he's using his ex's thoughts on this as his own, and using that as an excuse to prolong/put off marriage. He actually may not want to marry again period but he's scared to tell you this.

 

Is it a dealbreaker? do you feel he's committed to you? Would you end things if he said he didn't to marry again? Or would you be happy with him living with you and being common-law?

 

1 year since the D, it's time for him to involve you more in his life. Have you met his friends? Parents? Siblings? It is time for you to meet his child.. I'm sure it isn't easy on his ex to know another woman is going to be around her child, but HE needs to explain to her that you aren't going anywhere. The child has to meet you, get to know you before an engagement or marriage takes place.. It's only fair to the kid, this way the bond will grow as time goes on.

[jwi71]

Hi Mino! I remember you well.

 

That's not a good update however. And you are focusing on the wrong thing...the red flag ISN'T not married yet, its your "not being included with his daughter".

 

After two years of living together, you should be FAR more integrated in his daughter's life than you are - at least gone out in public together for dinner, movie than he takes his little home to mom. His daughter you should know that you Mino are Daddy's GF. How often and under what circumstances have you met and spent time with her? Any alone time with you and her? Does she know who you are to her father - possibly to her in the future? Would she recognize you? Do you attend any events for/with her?

 

There is only ONE reason he hasn't done this. And you won't like it.

He is protecting his daughter from potential future pain. Meaning, he isn't sure about you and to protect her from "losing" yet another female figure in her life, he simply keeps you away. This is strongly in doubt of his future with you.

 

He actually tells you this straight up but you missed it. "He isn't ready to marry you NOW". Pay that heed - its a flashing warning sign. Because, after a 6 year A and 2 years living together (for 8 total), there are no more secrets. He KNOWS who you are...the good, the bad and the ugly. You've face reality (an R outside of an A setting) Yet his doubts remain. And those doubts prompt him to create a wall between you and his daughter - to protect her. Or something else is prompting it. Can't read his mind.

 

I know. I did the exact same thing. No woman met my kids for at least a solid year of a monogamous R had existed. To protect them. I can almost promise you he is doing the same.

 

To counter what WWIU is saying, if he is acting in accordance with his xW, then he is in deference to her. At your expense. Surely he knows this - you've told him that you feel isolated.

 

Now is the time for you to step back and watch him. Your only duty is to inform him that you are unhappy. There are actions he can take to make you happy. And I would go further and say, actions that make your R more solid (meet the daughter). Yet he refuses. He defers. He knows what you want and, imo, what you wants is NOT unreasonable after living together for two years. So, sit back and watch.

 

His ACTIONS will tell you all you need to know. What does he DO? Does he take actions to bring this new family unit closer together - or does he keep this wall up?

 

I would suggest family counseling at this juncture. We (my current GF and I) did it when I decided the R was strong enough, stable enough for her to meet my kids. To begin to form bonds with them.

[Anna-Belle]

I can see where a man coming from a marriage that just failed is hesitant to get married again.

[seren]

HI Mino, when I and my XH separated I wouldn't introduce our son to my then boyfriend (now husband of 26 yrs) until we had firm plans for the future, this took around 2 years, mainly because I didn't want him to form bonds that would be broken so soon after me and XH separated. maybe your boyfriend feels this way, maybe he wants time as a single man (still dating you) and not jumping from one marriage into another. Only he knows why.

 

I can see why his XW baulks at the idea of him meeting you, your A was for 6 years, they have a 4 year old daughter and you and he have lived together for 2 years and him divorced for 1. Sounds like he was enjoying cake eating when married, he must have been to have a 4 year old and have been seeing you for 6 yrs.

 

Do you have a timescale or are you happy to live together even if there is no marriage? I should sit and have a 'this is what Mino needs to happen' conversation and see what he has to say. At the moment it sounds like he is holding all the aces and not considering your feelings.

[PhoenixRise]

Hi to all! Wow time sure has gone by, thought I would give an update, and maybe get some advice as well. Things have been going good. My partner has been D for over a year. and were going on our 2 year of living together. Its not been easy road, and we are still not quiet were I want to be. Its all very slow moving. His child still does not come to our home. She is almost 6. This has been very painful, because I am still excluded. He is very active in coparenting, and his ex feels he need to be engaged or married before intergrating the child. This has caused a bit of arguements from me... feeling left out many times. It got to the point where I asked him to move several months ago... because I feel he still has this seperate life and has not intergrated he life completely into mine . So here we are, 6 year A, going on 2 year as a living together couple... I was hoping that we would finally get engaged and be married. So christmas comes and goes, so does Valentine, my b day, his b day... Im getting fusterated. So today I asked the question of "when and what his intentions are. I also want to mention the fact before he moved in, I had broken up and he would stand at the door in tears, saying he want to marry, blah blah. I would not have let him move in if I thought I was only going to live with him. So his response today was No, I dont want to marry you NOW... We have had a rough year ( his fault, because he was dealing with his D) He says he does want to marry me in the future... So now Im pissed.... I feel mislead. I have waited 6 years for him in the A, now almost another 2 living with him... What would you advise me at this point? He says he is gunshy! Hell he is the one who had the affair! I dont get it... So he says he will slowly bring his child over, but I feel im in limbo again, with this waiting game... Now im just tired.

 

 

Mino

 

I think you did the right thing in talking to your BF about is intentions for your future together. That is where the real issue lies. I don't blame the ex for wanting to make sure that any woman her child's father introduces her too is there for the long haul. You BF's actions haven't yet demonstrated that you are and she wants to protect her child.

 

After 8 years together your BF should feel comfortable at lest declaring his intention to marry you via an engagement. I understand being gunshy one year after divorce but you have been in his life for 8 years now and you have been living together for 2 years.

 

Have you met the rest of his family and friends? Do you attend work events with him? How integrated are you with the rest of his life away from his child?

 

At what point are you willing to walk away?

[PhoenixRise]

Just went back and glanced at some of your old posts.

 

I have to say now that I really don't blame the ex for wanting to shield her child as much as possible from the drama that has been ongoing as a result of the issues that MM brought to the table all on his own + the affair chaos.

 

 

In her shoes, I would be saying/doing the same thing regarding my child.

 

 

Mino it seems like this man has issues that would make him a bad partner for any woman. I get that you love him, but try to take an objective look at what your life will be like with him.

 

You should be running like you were wearing gasoline panties and he was chasing you with a lit match.

[bentnotbroken]

Just went back and glanced at some of your old posts.

 

I have to say now that I really don't blame the ex for wanting to shield her child as much as possible from the drama that has been ongoing as a result of the issues that MM brought to the table all on his own + the affair chaos.

 

 

In her shoes, I would be saying/doing the same thing regarding my child.

 

 

Mino it seems like this man has issues that would make him a bad partner for any woman. I get that you love him, but try to take an objective look at what your life will be like with him.

 

You should be running like you were wearing gasoline panties and he was chasing you with a lit match.

 

 

I remember this story too. I wouldn't want my 6 year old involved either. Maybe he is skeptical to be with a person who willing had an affair with a married person for 6 years. He may not feel he can trust you. Of course he would only be looking at your actions and not his own. But his issues were there during his marriage(and affair), his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices and blame others. How do you feel about your role in allowing him to move in with you without the commitment you wanted? You gave him a soft place to land..why should he change the set up?

[Mino]

If he's followed through on his words before with real actions, then I would give him some time. I can see why he would need some time after getting divorced, but I would say give him AT MOST a year. If he's not willing to marry you by then, I'd move on.

 

Thanks, He was always s l o w in his actions, why do you think the A lasted 6 years, he many many attempts till he finally got it right. I had actually moved on, after he went home, only when I started dating, did he actually move and file for the D. I pushed him away for a good 6 months, He would sit at my doorsteps every few days. He kept saying we need to give it one last try, and that he wants to do it right with marriage this time. I finally gave in, he filed and of coarse it took the courts and lawyers almost a year to finalize the D. It was a rough road, Emotionally for him, for me, Where during this time, I did not think we would make it. I must have told him to get out 5,6 7 times. I then took a long trip to decide if I wanted to stay together. I came back, not much talk, but we are getting along great, no fussing, its been very nice, so this is why I decided to talk again about our future only to hear he is not ready. I am dissappointed, because it was his idea to begin with

[Mino]

((Mino)) Missed you and I'm glad to see you do an update! Stick around a bit.. Hope the rest of your life is going well, your health, job, friends etc..

 

Some transitions after an A are easier than others but because there is a young child involved, it makes things harder.

 

I do think he's using his ex's thoughts on this as his own, and using that as an excuse to prolong/put off marriage. He actually may not want to marry again period but he's scared to tell you this.

 

Is it a dealbreaker? do you feel he's committed to you? Would you end things if he said he didn't to marry again? Or would you be happy with him living with you and being common-law?

 

1 year since the D, it's time for him to involve you more in his life. Have you met his friends? Parents? Siblings? It is time for you to meet his child.. I'm sure it isn't easy on his ex to know another woman is going to be around her child, but HE needs to explain to her that you aren't going anywhere. The child has to meet you, get to know you before an engagement or marriage takes place.. It's only fair to the kid, this way the bond will grow as time goes on.

Hello my favorite person on Loveshack!!! Miss you too! Yes transitions... they can be hard. Had I known what I know now, I would have insisted he got is own place during his process of his D. I had written several times that ow should take heed in my expirence. I felt I was invisable thru this time. Everytime I would mention how I felt, he blew up, and went into a shell. The person who I knew all these years, all of a sudden didnt want to comunicate anymore. Drove me crazy! So our R had alot of ups and downs, the pattern was 3 weeks peace, and then a week where I just had to let him know how I felt, to 1 week of fussing, This went on until I said I cant do it anymore. He often confused me with his ex, who is bleeding him dry, I guess he cant say anything to her, so I get the backlash. Its funny though, he sweeps everything under, and if I didnt keep bringing things up, life would be great. He does not like confrontations of any kind...On a daily basis, life flows , we get along... I have met his whole family, great family by the way, who all these years, he was the one who was afraid of this meeting. They were so very kind and loving towards me. I know his daughter, she know me. He used to bring her by, 30 min here and there. When I asked why he does not bring her anymore, he says because he does not feel safe with our agrueing, That is understandable, but it was his actions of going into a shell that caused them. I think my trust because of the A is broken. He did say he wants to marry me in the future, IF we can smooth this out. This brings back Flashbacks from our A, you know The word "Soon" just gives me the creeps. After 6 years, of hearing Yes, soon... and it took so many attempts, and so many failures. I actually gave up on the 6 year. So my fear is the same again. I do not want to just live together... I would not have let him move in knowing that it could be years, or not at all. i knew it took time to get the D, and I assumed we would be engaged shortly thereafter...I do feel he is committed, but not as much as I need him to be...

[Mino]

Just went back and glanced at some of your old posts.

 

I have to say now that I really don't blame the ex for wanting to shield her child as much as possible from the drama that has been ongoing as a result of the issues that MM brought to the table all on his own + the affair chaos.

 

 

In her shoes, I would be saying/doing the same thing regarding my child.

 

 

Mino it seems like this man has issues that would make him a bad partner for any woman. I get that you love him, but try to take an objective look at what your life will be like with him.

 

You should be running like you were wearing gasoline panties and he was chasing you with a lit match.

hi There, I do believe there are two minos on the board... Anyway, There was hardly any drama with the EX. I had one conversation with her all these years. She is actually very happy at this point of her life. Yes your right, he has issues, which one doesnt? Overall we get along just fine, its me that is pushing this button right now... I think its time.

[alexandria35]

Hi Mino, I also went and had a look at your back story and I'm amazed that you are still with him.

 

There can be any number of reasons that he doesn't want to marry you. Did you ask him what his reason are? According to some of your past posts he had been married about 7 years when you started the affair with him and he had been cheating on his wife for every single year he had been married, so there were others before you and he was a serial cheater. Furthermore he was almost forty years old when he got married so he was no confused young guy trying to sow some wild oats. Makes me wonder why you want to marry him. Why are you in such a hurry to put yourself in the same position his exwife was in? Maybe the one thing he learned from his marriage and affairs is that he is not marriage material. If that's the case then good for him. If he knows he can't commit then he shouldn't be pretending he can. Maybe he's just being more honest about that now.

 

Maybe now that he is living with you full time your relationship has failed to live up to his fantasies. I suspect that during the affair there was a lot of fantasy going on about what it would be like to be together. He maybe thought along the lines "if I were with Mino I would never cheat or be unhappy because we are so perfect for each other and she meets my every need" Now that he is with you for real is it possible that he sees your relationship as being not all that different then what he had with his wife. Just the same ole same ole? In your earlier posts you often talked about him having OCD. I don't know much about OCD but I do know that a lot of people with mental disorders can be somewhat bored by mundane daily life. They can be childish about their romantic relationships by believing that there should always being fireworks, intense emotions and over the top passion. They expect their relationships to entertain them and provide them with excitement. Once those things fade they start to think they are not with the right person and begin looking to greener pastures.

 

I think you need to ask him why he doesn't want to get married or at least engaged. I'm not sure if you will get a truthful answer out of him. For some reason I can't picture him just blurting out "I don't want to get married to you because I dont' ever want to marry again" or "I don't want to get married to you because this is boring and I want to keep my opitions open" but sometimes if you just let people talk away they will let little tidbits of the truth slip without realizing it.

 

I can understand how frustrating it must be to be kept out of his life with his daughter but again this comes down to him and finding out why he is okay with things the way they are. Why doesn't he want his daughter to know you? He will say it's because his wife doesn't approve because that's the easiest answer but it's crap. There is a reason he is willing to play along with this. Perhaps it's because he doesn't see you as permanent and therefore agrees with his wife that his daughter shouldn't form a relationship with you. Perhaps he in some weird way still sees his wife as some kind of back up plan and therefore doesn't want her to think that you two are really a serious couple. If I were you I would be wanting a lot more information from him.

[PhoenixRise]

hi There, I do believe there are two minos on the board... Anyway, There was hardly any drama with the EX. I had one conversation with her all these years. She is actually very happy at this point of her life. Yes your right, he has issues, which one doesnt? Overall we get along just fine, its me that is pushing this button right now... I think its time.

 

There may be more than one Mino, but I clicked on YOUR name in this thread to find some of your previous posts. So I think when I say there was a lot of drama I am referring to the right situation. But if you think there was no drama, well....

 

I am not saying YOU directly had drama with his wife. I am saying your affair was drama that the wife experienced. Didn't you have multiple ddays? Didn't he move out then back in with the wife more than once?

 

Seems like drama to me but maybe you, MM, and ex have a different threshold than I do.

 

 

And Mino, his issues, based on your posts, are more than the run of the mill issues we all deal with.

 

 

Bottom line...this is YOUR life. You only get one. It will be what you make it.

[Mino]

Hi Mino! I remember you well.

 

That's not a good update however. And you are focusing on the wrong thing...the red flag ISN'T not married yet, its your "not being included with his daughter".

 

After two years of living together, you should be FAR more integrated in his daughter's life than you are - at least gone out in public together for dinner, movie than he takes his little home to mom. His daughter you should know that you Mino are Daddy's GF. How often and under what circumstances have you met and spent time with her? Any alone time with you and her? Does she know who you are to her father - possibly to her in the future? Would she recognize you? Do you attend any events for/with her?

 

There is only ONE reason he hasn't done this. And you won't like it.

He is protecting his daughter from potential future pain. Meaning, he isn't sure about you and to protect her from "losing" yet another female figure in her life, he simply keeps you away. This is strongly in doubt of his future with you.

 

He actually tells you this straight up but you missed it. "He isn't ready to marry you NOW". Pay that heed - its a flashing warning sign. Because, after a 6 year A and 2 years living together (for 8 total), there are no more secrets. He KNOWS who you are...the good, the bad and the ugly. You've face reality (an R outside of an A setting) Yet his doubts remain. And those doubts prompt him to create a wall between you and his daughter - to protect her. Or something else is prompting it. Can't read his mind.

 

I know. I did the exact same thing. No woman met my kids for at least a solid year of a monogamous R had existed. To protect them. I can almost promise you he is doing the same.

 

To counter what WWIU is saying, if he is acting in accordance with his xW, then he is in deference to her. At your expense. Surely he knows this - you've told him that you feel isolated.

 

Now is the time for you to step back and watch him. Your only duty is to inform him that you are unhappy. There are actions he can take to make you happy. And I would go further and say, actions that make your R more solid (meet the daughter). Yet he refuses. He defers. He knows what you want and, imo, what you wants is NOT unreasonable after living together for two years. So, sit back and watch.

 

His ACTIONS will tell you all you need to know. What does he DO? Does he take actions to bring this new family unit closer together - or does he keep this wall up?

 

I would suggest family counseling at this juncture. We (my current GF and I) did it when I decided the R was strong enough, stable enough for her to meet my kids. To begin to form bonds with them.

 

Hi There!!! Thank you for your resonse. You bring up very good points . I am a step ahead of you, lol I did ask about the daughter yesterday. I suggested we fix up a spare room, a room she can call hers. Where she will be able to spend the night. He was very open to this. That is our next project... But after we talked about that, I brought up the marriage stuff. and thats were I went into my shell. He came back and said, Mino, not now does not mean never, it means we are not ready... we have had a very rough year, I dont want to go thru a D again, so lets just take this slow and it will come naturally... well thats great, What he forgets is that I had already waited 6 years for him to get the courage to leave, and then another 1 for his D. Its like he is on square one, and I am on square 7.... The rough year is his fault. He is the one who went into a shell during his proccess thru the D. The C said people g thru all these emotions and stages when going thru a D. The mourning, the failure, the guilt...etc. But I was there thru it all and felt invisable. These were really are only agruments when we did fight. One topic, his issues... Had I not said anything, there would be no fighting. And that is what he is not getting... Again, if I had know what I know now, he would be living in his own place till he was over all his stages and ready for a new R. But its to late for that now, I chose to hang in there with him thru his process.

[Mino]

I can see where a man coming from a marriage that just failed is hesitant to get married again.

Well it was his fault that the marriage broke... He had the A.

[Mino]

HI Mino, when I and my XH separated I wouldn't introduce our son to my then boyfriend (now husband of 26 yrs) until we had firm plans for the future, this took around 2 years, mainly because I didn't want him to form bonds that would be broken so soon after me and XH separated. maybe your boyfriend feels this way, maybe he wants time as a single man (still dating you) and not jumping from one marriage into another. Only he knows why.

 

I can see why his XW baulks at the idea of him meeting you, your A was for 6 years, they have a 4 year old daughter and you and he have lived together for 2 years and him divorced for 1. Sounds like he was enjoying cake eating when married, he must have been to have a 4 year old and have been seeing you for 6 yrs.

 

Do you have a timescale or are you happy to live together even if there is no marriage? I should sit and have a 'this is what Mino needs to happen' conversation and see what he has to say. At the moment it sounds like he is holding all the aces and not considering your feelings.

Hi, We are in our 50, We dont go out and party anymore. Our evenings are spent at home, cooking talking watching movies..etc. I did tell him before he moved in, to date others first. He did not want to... His child is almost 6. She was concieved at the begining of our A. If you go back and read older post, I wouldnt really call it cake eating. It was not a walk in the parK for him either. Painful for everybody. Yes the conversation just started yesterday... I had not brought up marriage since he moved in. I am still thinking all this thru, of coarse there will be a deadline... were I will walk if no change is made...

[MissBee]

Hi Mino, I also went and had a look at your back story and I'm amazed that you are still with him.

 

There can be any number of reasons that he doesn't want to marry you. Did you ask him what his reason are? According to some of your past posts he had been married about 7 years when you started the affair with him and he had been cheating on his wife for every single year he had been married, so there were others before you and he was a serial cheater. Furthermore he was almost forty years old when he got married so he was no confused young guy trying to sow some wild oats. Makes me wonder why you want to marry him. Why are you in such a hurry to put yourself in the same position his exwife was in? Maybe the one thing he learned from his marriage and affairs is that he is not marriage material. If that's the case then good for him. If he knows he can't commit then he shouldn't be pretending he can. Maybe he's just being more honest about that now.

 

Maybe now that he is living with you full time your relationship has failed to live up to his fantasies. I suspect that during the affair there was a lot of fantasy going on about what it would be like to be together. He maybe thought along the lines "if I were with Mino I would never cheat or be unhappy because we are so perfect for each other and she meets my every need" Now that he is with you for real is it possible that he sees your relationship as being not all that different then what he had with his wife. Just the same ole same ole? In your earlier posts you often talked about him having OCD. I don't know much about OCD but I do know that a lot of people with mental disorders can be somewhat bored by mundane daily life. They can be childish about their romantic relationships by believing that there should always being fireworks, intense emotions and over the top passion. They expect their relationships to entertain them and provide them with excitement. Once those things fade they start to think they are not with the right person and begin looking to greener pastures.

I think you need to ask him why he doesn't want to get married or at least engaged. I'm not sure if you will get a truthful answer out of him. For some reason I can't picture him just blurting out "I don't want to get married to you because I dont' ever want to marry again" or "I don't want to get married to you because this is boring and I want to keep my opitions open" but sometimes if you just let people talk away they will let little tidbits of the truth slip without realizing it.

 

I can understand how frustrating it must be to be kept out of his life with his daughter but again this comes down to him and finding out why he is okay with things the way they are. Why doesn't he want his daughter to know you? He will say it's because his wife doesn't approve because that's the easiest answer but it's crap.There is a reason he is willing to play along with this. Perhaps it's because he doesn't see you as permanent and therefore agrees with his wife that his daughter shouldn't form a relationship with you. Perhaps he in some weird way still sees his wife as some kind of back up plan and therefore doesn't want her to think that you two are really a serious couple. If I were you I would be wanting a lot more information from him.

 

I couldn't agree more. Cosign!

 

I think your post has provided a lot for Mino to think about and gets to the meat of the matter.

[MissBee]

Well it was his fault that the marriage broke... He had the A.

 

Can you elaborate on this Mino.

 

In fact, isn't this telling, if it is HIS fault his marriage broke, because HE hagd the A.

 

What exactly makes YOU want to marry him?

 

Do you think he is a different person now than then or that you are different? If it is HIS fault as you stated, which it is....then sadly, it doesn't matter who he is with. You, his ex wife, whoever.....it all comes back to him.

[Mino]

Can you elaborate on this Mino.

 

In fact, isn't this telling, if it is HIS fault his marriage broke, because HE hagd the A.

 

What exactly makes YOU want to marry him?

 

Do you think he is a different person now than then or that you are different? If it is HIS fault as you stated, which it is....then sadly, it doesn't matter who he is with. You, his ex wife, whoever.....it all comes back to him.

I think its mainly his fault. I dont really know his wife, but i think its his fault because he married without really being in love.. He married because he was getting older and she was a nice person, who he was dating. He married because he didnt want to be alone. All is friends were getting married. There was also a big age difference. Do I think he has changed.. yes to some extent. He is also much older now. We do love each other, we do get alone, we have a life together.

[Mino]

I couldn't agree more. Cosign!

 

I think your post has provided a lot for Mino to think about and gets to the meat of the matter.

Thank You MissBee, You do give me alot to think about, So if I were setting up the questions in my head, help me figure out what I need to be asking? He is a terrible comunicator, and he squims by the fact when I tell him we need to talk. Its like " oh hear we go again, another agrument is coming" So Its really hard to nail him down with deep conversations. i need to figure out my questions and keep them short and sweet..

[Mino]

It's always amazing to me how OW think they are not dating the same person the BS was married to. He's the same guy. He hasn't changed just because he got a divorce.

Thats not true... Looking back at myself, I have done some stupid Sh*T when i was younger... really... and now I have to say I have learned from them... So please, its not so black and white like you may want to think. People do change.. thats what aging is all about.

[MissBee]

I think its mainly his fault. I dont really know his wife, but i think its his fault because he married without really being in love.. He married because he was getting older and she was a nice person, who he was dating. He married because he didnt want to be alone. All is friends were getting married. There was also a big age difference. Do I think he has changed.. yes to some extent. He is also much older now. We do love each other, we do get alone, we have a life together.

 

Don't mean to probe you...but you said he was married because he was getting older and she was a nice person.

 

You said he changed because he is much older now and you guys get along and have a life together.

 

Not sure where exactly the change is? I don't see the big difference between you and his ex wife in that regard. In both cases you cited him being older and the qualities of the person he is in a relationship with....and in your case you're older and get along and love each other. I understand we all have a tendency to see ourselves as unique but sometimes when you start asking questions and probing, you can see what is truly different or exactly the same.

 

Did he not believe he loved his wife too, did they not get along too, did they not have a life too? They had the exact things you had, and more, as they had a baby together plus more. How is it different with you? Is it really?

 

I don't think you can use yourself as a marker for his change....what has changed about HIM besides his age? Adding that he loves you and has a life with you has nothing to do with whether or not HE has changed. I do think as someone else pointed out, there are more parallels in your situation now like in his marriage and I have a feeling nothing has changed....well clearly nothing has...or else you wouldn't be here concerned. Not trying to be harsh, but I think what you're experiencing is solely him and I don't think his "lack of being inlove" is a good reason to explain anything. I do think alexandria's post speaks to the heart of the issue.

Edited March 8, 2012 by MissBee

[Mino]

With age does not necessarily come wisdom. And what kind of life do you have? obviously not the kind of life you want since you're unhappy that he won't marry you. Everything you listed about him smacks of conflict avoidance, and he's doing it with you too.

 

Too bad you can't see it. Looks like you're bargaining because you're in you 50's and don't want to start over after spending so much time on him.

 

Why didn't you both go to couples counseling during your rough patch?

No age does not automatically mean wisdom, but pain, losing everything, paying out the nose Will make you smarter. No your right , I dont have the complete life I want. But in life, I dont think anybody ever gets the whole pie... I think we are on a good road right now. On a daily basis our life is smoothing out from a very rocky road. I just brought up the marriage stuff yesterday for the first time... I have no problem starting over at 50, trust me, if you ben thru a painful A, and survived, I think I can survive anything. ; ) My age does have something to do with the marriage wish. I have never been married, I dont want to date anymore. I do love my Guy very much, and i want to build a future with him. I rather know now if he had no intentions of marrying.

[MissBee]

Thats not true... Looking back at myself, I have done some stupid Sh*T when i was younger... really... and now I have to say I have learned from them... So please, its not so black and white like you may want to think. People do change.. thats what aging is all about.

 

People do change....however, you have not actually shown how he has changed except to say he is older.

 

Old doesn't mean you are smarter or better...just older.

 

A man with issues of serial cheating does NOT mysteriously stop because of age. Experiences and choices help us to decide to change....not simply a new birthday.

 

And he is older...quite frankly, someone changes a lot more between say 20 and 40 than they do between 40 and 50. The older you are, the less likely your changes are going to be very drastic...yes it can be...but I think by a certain age most of your behavior has a lot of time to solidify itself, while at a younger age you grow and change and integrate new behaviors more easily.

 

I think you should write down exactly how HE has changed and use things only about HIM. Not stuff about he loves you....or he has a life with you etc. That's not a change in HIM and his character. Try to objectively consider how he has shown HIMSELF to be different. Not just your assumption that he MUST be different because he is older...but actual evidence documenting what is different and exactly what is better? Because so far....it seems you don't have much to go on. You still feel like an unintegrated OW and he is not trying to get married and is dragging his feet just like he did while married...so which parts are the new and improved parts?