Leigh 87 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I cannot relate to the way you feel, because I see nothing wrong with my boyfriends watching porn.. it does not mean they desire you any less. MOst men, even if they had a super model, they would STILL watch porn; it is VERY rare for a guy to ONLY EVER think of THE ONE women for THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. Guys can easily me monogomus, faithful, and good husbands/partners, however, watching porn is natural and healthy. In my opinion, it is not natural for ALL men to only think of the one women for life - it would be VERY hard to not think about other women. HOwever, IT DOES NOT mean they wish to ACT on these thoughts... You need to find a guy who has the same values as you. It will be hard to find a decent man who NEVER watches porn, and who NEVER EVER fantasises about other women, though... However, I am sure there are men out there, who will try to block off all their thoughts about any other women, besides you.... You will just have trouble finding them. 1
chris09s Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I cannot relate to the way you feel, because I see nothing wrong with my boyfriends watching porn.. it does not mean they desire you any less. MOst men, even if they had a super model, they would STILL watch porn; it is VERY rare for a guy to ONLY EVER think of THE ONE women for THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. Guys can easily me monogomus, faithful, and good husbands/partners, however, watching porn is natural and healthy. In my opinion, it is not natural for ALL men to only think of the one women for life - it would be VERY hard to not think about other women. HOwever, IT DOES NOT mean they wish to ACT on these thoughts... You need to find a guy who has the same values as you. It will be hard to find a decent man who NEVER watches porn, and who NEVER EVER fantasises about other women, though... However, I am sure there are men out there, who will try to block off all their thoughts about any other women, besides you.... You will just have trouble finding them. Could not be more true. Peach it!
sweetheart5381 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 This is a very interesting thread as a woman who enjoys porn. I can see both sides. I have had times that I was asked to be in certain sexual positions so as he could view the TV more conveniently to "enhance the experience" because his fav chick was getting it good, even though in hindsight I should have been the fav chick. Especially since I wasnt there every night, just weekends at most. He wanted me to always wear pigtails (the schoolgirl thing), etc. Act a certain way, etc. It got old pretty fast. He called it "background music" though it was always on. In my mind the attention was taken from me and focused on what was on the screen. That felt degrading, even though I personally love porn... it became a barrier between us. Imo, if a man watches it alone and gets off, all power to him, I do too. If he can't have sex with you and just you because of porn, there is a problem which will result in a woman feeling undesired. (Been there, doesnt feel nice, and that's the degradation of porn). It's the man, not the porn. Porn isn't evil.. it has more to do with your partner and how they choose to use it. 3
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 My boyfriend of nearly two years has a problem looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. He knows this is extremely painful for me. It has caused problems with us since he's told me, and I've responded rather severely. Yet, he continues to look, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Since he allows himself to make other girls the object of his fantasies, quite frankly, I don't see the problem with allowing myself to become the object of other guys' fantasies. I plan on dressing much less modestly and intentionally attracting the attention of other guys. Maybe I would even post pictures on facebook that he wouldn't be quite comfortable with. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand here is another splendid female testimony in which she grumbles about porn... suggesting "IT" (porn, that is) causes problems... Yet she sees nothing amiss with her own use of Facebook for what are effectively the same motivations minus the male liking for visual images. As we now know, per another poster here at LS: "Facebook doesn't ... do... anything" The cat is out of the bag today: "Online porn... doesn't... do... anything" (either) First thing you do is get the hell off of Facebook, and only then do you have any right to question your boyfriend's use of porn.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Porn, like anything designed to stimulate, can become destructive and harmful when it's used as a surrogate for genuine happiness and intimacy. If it's truly excessive, I think you have every right to be upset. But if it isn't, and it doesn't adversely effect your sex life beyond you simply being bothered by it, I think this is a case where you *might* need to pick your battles. Unless your husband/boyfriend is actively, and substantially diverting attention away from you, this could possibly be a case of you overreacting to a totally normal, typical male behavior. Is it disrespectful that he's continued to view it since you told him it bothered you? Yes. But is your objection totally reasonable? That's where the tension comes from-- you obviously have different definitions about what's acceptable, and what isn't. Your definition of excessive doesn't coincide with his. If it's a genuine source of pain for you-- maybe see a couples' counselor about it? An objective, authoritative figure could probably help you sort out if he's being inconsiderate, or if you need to cut him some slack. Might be worth looking into, if it's causing you unrest. The thing about men and porn that most women don't understand is that it generally has NOTHING to do with our emotional state of being. For most men, it's little more than an act of maintenance. There's literally ZERO thought going on right then. We're not curing cancer, or contemplating our chi, or pondering the complexities of interpersonal dynamics. Masturbation is typically an act that's utterly and totally bereft of any kind of higher brain function. I'm not kidding. It's a dumb, ridiculous, undignified act and we KNOW it. But we do it anyway. It's like picking your nose -- it's gross, but sometimes, it just NEEDS to be done. And unless something is terribly wrong, our emotional machinations are at an absolute STANDSTILL when we do that. We're pretty much dead from the neck up during that moment. There's no betrayal. We're not comparing you to the women on screen. (And if we did-- you'd probably win. If we're happy in our relationship, our loving girlfriend/wife is going to trump a nasty skank in a porn movie EVERY time). For most of us, it's not a substitute for sex. A normal, healthy male doesn't find it remotely as satisfying as connecting physically with another human being. It's just a quick, lazy way to get the job done. And sometimes, that's appealing. 90% of the time, it's just about release. And the other 10% is normally about novelty-- indulging some dumb fantasy. That's honestly IT. It's almost never about having a wandering eye, or feeling discontented with the relationship. It's usually just about the magic of friction and 10,000 nerve endings. No big mystery there. Seriously. And here's another little peak into the male mindset... Truthfully, we probably don't enjoy that moment as much as you might think. A lot of times, it's purely compulsory, like scratching an itch. And sometimes, it's just plain depressing. Thanks to a fairly prudish, puritanical society, it's often a moment that's immediately followed by shame. Which is unfortunate, if you ask me. That said, I think a lot of women assign WAY, WAY too much meaning to it. We don't draw a bubble bath and sip champagne and eat chocolate covered strawberries. We just do it so that we don't lose our minds and stab someone at the Post Office. It's not a shining beacon of pride and joy in our lives. We don't finish up, and then rush over to the phone to tell our friends and neighbors about it. "You're never going to believe what I just did!!!" I swear to God, for most men, whacking off holds no more ceremony or importance than popping your knuckles, or cracking your back-- it's just something weird and stupid that we can do with our bodies that feels kinda good for a few seconds. You really shouldn't read more into it than that-- cuz I'm telling you, there honestly isn't a whole lot going on during that process. We're pretty much under the command of the most basic, primitive, dumb-ass, chimp part of our brain at that moment. Unless it's developed into a legitimate obsession, or has a negative impact on his affection towards you, it's honestly not something you should should feel threatened by. You are a gentleman, Roothless and I respect you. The way you share your views is genteel and kind.
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I'm a guy and women that condone, tolerate and justify it are doing themselves a disservice if you ask me. The guys here that are peddling it are probably the same ones that would try talking you into having a threesome or to convince you to have his best friend screw you while he watches. For men who look at porn on a regular basis, it "teaches" us to objectify women, to serve oneself instead of their partner, addictive, loss of intimacy, causes us to have unrealistic views of a women's body, decrease our sex drive, causes men to focus on the visual and audible senses and not the emotional connection, foreplay is not necessary, women want to do anything for man while he provides the bare minimum, etc. The guys on here defending it are the ones with the addiction problem and probably get off to it everyday and can't get off unless they are watching it. Basically, porn is more important than you. The last thing I ever want to do is have my GF doubt that I want, need and desire other women or that I am unsatisfied with just her. To me it's all about respecting my partner, her feelings and our relationship. You treat a women with kindness, respect, love, tenderness, thoughtfulness, etc. she will take joy and pleasure in putting those porns / porn stars to shame. Compared to my friends who are watching porn all the time... My GF is desires sex 100 times more than theirs and it's no comparison in the kinky department. Hell when my GF and I do watch porn, she is the one that suggests it and even picks it out and she never disappoints. So let me get this straight... If my GF has an issue with me leaving toothpaste in the sink, I should stop doing it because I am thoughtful, kind, considerate, care and do not want to see her unhappy. Every guy or girl on here would have no problems with her request and would hope / suggest that I stop doing it for the sake of the relationship. However if a guy watching porn, hurts her, causes her to doubt the relationship, his feelings for her, his desire for her, sexual problems, trust issues, intimacy issues, etc. a women is suppose to just overlook and accept her man watching women after women (not her mind you) take it like the good girl she is in ever hole while he jacks off to it? Toothpaste in sink = Bad Your man not caring about you or feelings so he can jack it watching other women get banged all day = Good What is the world coming too? Why in the hell do women buy this load of crap that men and society at large is dishing out? 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I'm a guy and women that condone, tolerate and justify it are doing themselves a disservice if you ask me. The guys here that are peddling it are probably the same ones that would try talking you into having a threesome or to convince you to have his best friend screw you while he watches. For men who look at porn on a regular basis, it "teaches" us to objectify women, to serve oneself instead of their partner, addictive, loss of intimacy, causes us to have unrealistic views of a women's body, decrease our sex drive, causes men to focus on the visual and audible senses and not the emotional connection, foreplay is not necessary, women want to do anything for man while he provides the bare minimum, etc. The guys on here defending it are the ones with the addiction problem and probably get off to it everyday and can't get off unless they are watching it. Basically, porn is more important than you. The last thing I ever want to do is have my GF doubt that I want, need and desire other women or that I am unsatisfied with just her. To me it's all about respecting my partner, her feelings and our relationship. You treat a women with kindness, respect, love, tenderness, thoughtfulness, etc. she will take joy and pleasure in putting those porns / porn stars to shame. Compared to my friends who are watching porn all the time... My GF is desires sex 100 times more than theirs and it's no comparison in the kinky department. Hell when my GF and I do watch porn, she is the one that suggests it and even picks it out and she never disappoints. So let me get this straight... If my GF has an issue with me leaving toothpaste in the sink, I should stop doing it because I am thoughtful, kind, considerate, care and do not want to see her unhappy. Every guy or girl on here would have no problems with her request and would hope / suggest that I stop doing it for the sake of the relationship. However if a guy watching porn, hurts her, causes her to doubt the relationship, his feelings for her, his desire for her, sexual problems, trust issues, intimacy issues, etc. a women is suppose to just overlook and accept her man watching women after women (not her mind you) take it like the good girl she is in ever hole while he jacks off to it? Toothpaste in sink = Bad Your man not caring about you or feelings so he can jack it watching other women get banged all day = Good What is the world coming too? Why in the hell do women buy this load of crap that men and society at large is dishing out? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. My husband is addicted to it. It's killed just about everything between us. If I had to start over I would live with a guy in a cardboard box who didn't look at porn long before I lived in a mansion with one that did. I can't believe how ridiculously adamant guys are about keeping their porn, even willing to throw relationships and marriages away for it. That's just so messed up. And it gets presented to us like we are "insecure" or "controlling." The reality is that many many men would be threatened if we talked dirty with another guy or cuddled with him, even if there was no intent to go any further. It doesn't make sense that they yet their form of extra-curricular activities satisfied and we are supposed to keep our heads down and mouths shut about it. Oddly enough I think it fuels insecurity about performance and being cheated on , their gf being a slut etc too. I think it is a terrible, destructive thing to force another partner in the relationship to accept. If I was starting over, I think I would have to remain single for a very long time until I found a guy willing to not obsess over it etc.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I'm a guy and women that condone, tolerate and justify it are doing themselves a disservice if you ask me. The guys here that are peddling it are probably the same ones that would try talking you into having a threesome or to convince you to have his best friend screw you while he watches. For men who look at porn on a regular basis, it "teaches" us to objectify women, to serve oneself instead of their partner, addictive, loss of intimacy, causes us to have unrealistic views of a women's body, decrease our sex drive, causes men to focus on the visual and audible senses and not the emotional connection, foreplay is not necessary, women want to do anything for man while he provides the bare minimum, etc. The guys on here defending it are the ones with the addiction problem and probably get off to it everyday and can't get off unless they are watching it. Basically, porn is more important than you. The last thing I ever want to do is have my GF doubt that I want, need and desire other women or that I am unsatisfied with just her. To me it's all about respecting my partner, her feelings and our relationship. You treat a women with kindness, respect, love, tenderness, thoughtfulness, etc. she will take joy and pleasure in putting those porns / porn stars to shame. Compared to my friends who are watching porn all the time... My GF is desires sex 100 times more than theirs and it's no comparison in the kinky department. Hell when my GF and I do watch porn, she is the one that suggests it and even picks it out and she never disappoints. So let me get this straight... If my GF has an issue with me leaving toothpaste in the sink, I should stop doing it because I am thoughtful, kind, considerate, care and do not want to see her unhappy. Every guy or girl on here would have no problems with her request and would hope / suggest that I stop doing it for the sake of the relationship. However if a guy watching porn, hurts her, causes her to doubt the relationship, his feelings for her, his desire for her, sexual problems, trust issues, intimacy issues, etc. a women is suppose to just overlook and accept her man watching women after women (not her mind you) take it like the good girl she is in ever hole while he jacks off to it? Toothpaste in sink = Bad Your man not caring about you or feelings so he can jack it watching other women get banged all day = Good What is the world coming too? Why in the hell do women buy this load of crap that men and society at large is dishing out? Finally!!! A fellow who totally gets it:) Thank you for this:)
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Meh. I totally see your point, and I *wholeheartedly* agree that if pornography is having a detrimental effect on the relationship-- it has to go. But I think you're both imposing your own particular morality on others, and that's not really fair. I happen to agree that porn is, by and large, patriarchal and objectifying, and kinda sleazy. But it's NOT MY PLACE to dictate values about human sexuality to anyone other than me. And frankly, it's not your place either. Do I think this guy is an idiot because he insists on letting porn interfere with his partner? YES. But mostly, I think he's an idiot because he lacks the good sense to do that sh*t in private. My problem with this guy isn't that I think he's immoral, or a pervert-- it's that I think he has no respect for boundaries. And to be candid, that he's dumb enough to do that stuff while she's around. If he looks at pictures of naked women every once in a while, by himself, who give's a rat's ass? Now, if it were child pornography, or if he was trying to traffic in sexual slavery, then LOCK this dirtbag up. But if he just wants to touch himself while he looks at women he believes are hot, and he does it in private, why do you care? I appreciate-- and partially agree -- with the argument that a lot of porn can be exploitive, but so are commercials for Axe body spray, and violence on TV, and virtually ANY product targeted towards women. It's up to us to decide for ourselves what we find objectionable. Yes, this guy should cool it, out of respect for his girlfriend. Or, she should dump his ass. But neither of you have a monopoly on morality. Nor do I. Edited March 18, 2012 by rootless 1
esteem-jam Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 The guys here that are peddling it are probably the same ones that would try talking you into having a threesome or to convince you to have his best friend screw you while he watches. I wouldnt ask for a threesome, nor seeing my GF get done by another man. However, I would suggest my partner model lingerie for me and I would suggest her what to wear to look appealing, classy, erotic, sexy. Maybe take photos. I have pretty nuanced tastes in fetish, not everything goes. To lower the discussion, midget porn was mentioned from the start. Please, lets not start with the lows. This might look like snobism, similar to music snobism- like, my music taste is better than yours, and my sexual taste is better than yours. For myself, I cant alter it, I like what I like. But I would not put my GF outside of this interest circle, its about sharing and understanding, whats the point of having a GF/relationship then? Seeing avatar of BewitchedandBothered I thought she is into/knows about hair curler fetish, but seeign her reaction in this thread makes me doubtful. PS I wont battle back each argument here.
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 By the way-- The insinuation that every guy who's ever watched porn is automatically into sexual thrill-seeking, infidelity and deviant behavior is totally preposterous. Like, beyond ridiculous. That's like saying everyone who likes chocolate is morbidly obese. Or anyone who tips back a beer is an alcoholic. It this guy's BEHAVIOR that sucks. It's the disrespect and the lack of boundaries. The porn is just a McGuffin. 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I wouldnt ask for a threesome, nor seeing my GF get done by another man. However, I would suggest my partner model lingerie for me and I would suggest her what to wear to look appealing, classy, erotic, sexy. Maybe take photos. I have pretty nuanced tastes in fetish, not everything goes. To lower the discussion, midget porn was mentioned from the start. Please, lets not start with the lows. This might look like snobism, similar to music snobism- like, my music taste is better than yours, and my sexual taste is better than yours. For myself, I cant alter it, I like what I like. But I would not put my GF outside of this interest circle, its about sharing and understanding, whats the point of having a GF/relationship then? Seeing avatar of BewitchedandBothered I thought she is into/knows about hair curler fetish, but seeign her reaction in this thread makes me doubtful. PS I wont battle back each argument here. that's right; I have a creepy curler fetish and heavy into midget porn. You act like there is something wrong with that.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I would like to hear from the OP... 1
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) I think you're both imposing your own particular morality on others, and that's not really fair. I didn't tell her BF or another man what they should or shouldn't do. I was speaking to the OP and women at large that if porn bothers, hurts or causes problems with their relationship that it's perfectly okay if she (or any women) should not accept it, condone it or tolerate it. I also used toothpaste in a sink as an example... My GF can't stand it. Are you telling me there is a certain amount of toothpaste that is acceptable that my GF should just deal with? Is her request that I not leave toothpaste in the sink unacceptable? Is her desire that I not leave toothpaste in the sink about her or my morality or your morality? Fact is, she doesn't like it and that is good enough for me. So if another women has no problem sending pictures of herself naked or even having sex with your BF / Husband... You are just suppose to be okay with that since you have no right "imposing your own particular morality on others"? If she did it every other Tuesday, is that okay or the right amount? But it's NOT MY PLACE to dictate values about human sexuality to anyone other than me. And frankly, it's not your place either. I'm confused... where exactly in my post did I say anyone should not look at porn? I even said my GF and I (WE because that is what she and I are comfortable with) on occasion watch it when we want to "mix it up". If her and I watching porn on occasion to "mix it up" ever hurt her or caused problems in our relationship, I would have ZERO problem and wouldn't care in the least if it stopped. I for one, actually care about the person I say I love. It's why I don't leave toothpaste in the sink because she asked me not too. Seriously, is not looking at porn so bad if the other person has an issue with it? I for the life of me cannot see why someone would choose to do something (porn for example) when they know it upsets the person they claim to love. You know there was a time not so long ago that you had to go to a video store or subscribe to magazines to even see it. I don't recall the lack of / easy access to porn being an uproar or a problem back then. If he looks at pictures of naked women every once in a while, by himself, who give's a rat's ass? Apparently the OP and a lot of other women in this thread and countless others here on LS and in the real world. You don't care about it and that's okay but for someone who says that it's none of our business, you are sharing your view and opinion on the subject and telling these women that their feelings and the pain they suffered do not matter. Now, if it were child pornography, or if he was trying to traffic in sexual slavery, then LOCK this dirtbag up. Again you are deciding what is moral and what is not. Animals are okay? Rape? Guys posting pics and videos of their GF / Exes? Underage women? What happened to Erin Andrews and countless other vicitms okay too? But if he just wants to touch himself while he looks at women he believes are hot, and he does it in private, why do you care? Again you get to decide what is right, wrong and acceptable. However, I am doing something wrong by sharing that if a women has issues or is hurt by her BF / husband jacking off to other women that her feelings matter is wrong? I appreciate-- and partially agree -- with the argument that a lot of porn can be exploitive, but so are commercials for Axe body spray, and violence on TV, and virtually ANY product targeted towards women. Oh here we go with the reasons why and the justification as to why the OP and the countless other women who have been hurt and wounded by porn that their feelings do not matter. She should just accept it because "everybody else is doing it". Tell you what, when there are countless websites dedicated to commercials and they are the most trafficked sites on the internet, this "argument" might hold a little more water. Thanks to DVR, most people I know rarely if ever watch commercials much less spend hours solely dedicated to watching them. Yes, this guy should cool it, out of respect for his girlfriend. Since you apparently are the morality of porn, could you please tell me, the OP and the countless other women who have been hurt by it what the acceptable amount, level, type, etc. that is okay? Or, she should dump his ass. Finally, you and I agree on something. But neither of you have a monopoly on morality. Nor do I. Please tell me what your views on cheating, lying, stealing, murder, assault, affairs, drugs, drinking, gambling, prostitution, religion, political affiliations, etc. since we are not allowed to believe in anything, have feelings about anything, have values or stand for anything unless you tell us exactly what they should be. If you do not stand for something, you will fall for anything. - Peter Marshall Edited March 18, 2012 by gibson
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) I also used toothpaste in a sink as an example... My GF can't stand it. Are you telling me there is a certain amount of toothpaste that is acceptable that my GF should just deal with? Is her request that I not leave toothpaste in the sink unacceptable? Is her desire that I not leave toothpaste in the sink about her or my morality or your morality? Fact is, she doesn't like it and that is good enough for me. So if another women has no problem sending pictures of herself naked or even having sex with your BF / Husband... You are just suppose to be okay with that since you have no right "imposing your own particular morality on others"? Okay, that post stung a little, as was probably kind of over the top, but I can't say I didn't ask for it some. It's arguable whether you had to go to extremes like bestiality to point out my hypocrisy, but I'll concede that I contradicted myself. I can own that. You're right-- it's incongruous for me to say that *some* porn is okay, and some isn't. But I think we can both agree, there is room to make rational distinctions. There's *a lot* of things that lend themselves to subjectivity, and we could argue their merits all day, but I suspect we'd both agree that porn becomes tough to defend when it's no longer consensual, or is wantonly violent, life-threatening, etc. I mean-- c'mon. Rape? That's an *awfully* big gun to pull out, buddy. Please tell me you were using hyperbole to make a point. Which, by the way, is exactly what I did. Here's the deal -- I guess what I was trying to get at-- and doing a bad job, apparently -- is that we don't know how blatant this guy's disrespect is. And we don't know how reasonable the OP's objections are. You may chose to alter your toothpaste habits because it bothers your wife, but there's a legitimate argument to be made that your wife is being unreasonable about how much it bothers her. We don't know how much toothpaste this guy is using in the house. We don't know if he's got tubes of Crest hidden in every room in the house, or if he brushes his teeth once every six days. The crux of my argument was that toothpaste isn't inherently evil. And for all we know, maybe the girlfriend has a totally irrational aversion to toothpaste. Should her partner give it up altogether, because even the mention of the word "aquafresh" upsets her? Do you see what I'm saying? Anyway -- thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail. I thought it read a little too accusatory and personal, but I suppose mine did too. Sorry for being presumptuous, or inconsiderate. It wasn't my intention -- but I can totally see how it could come off that way. I apologize. Edited March 18, 2012 by rootless
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Based on your last email, you and I couldn't agree more and yes, I was being over the top in my previous email to you to make a point. From my personal experience and the experiences of my friends, I have yet to meet a women (even the hardcore bible thumping baptist ones) that didn't enjoy "mixing it up" by throwing on a porn every once in a while. Most even welcome and want their BF's / Husbands to have their "happy time" alone with their porn. I think porn has a lot in common with drinking, gambling, drugs or even when your partner checks out another good looking person... okay, healthy and even fun in moderation. Unfortunately, a lot of people are impulsive, lack self-control, have no self discipline, reckless, careless and are easily addicted to the point self-destructive. I for one avoid dating or entering into relationships with these type of individuals or to have them as friends but that's me... Edited March 18, 2012 by gibson
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 The guys here that are peddling it are probably the same ones that would try talking you into having a threesome or to convince you to have his best friend screw you while he watches. Just for the record -- *that's* the statement that I was most emotionally responding to. There's A LOT going on there. "Peddling"? Nope. Discussing? Yes. I'm not feverishly advocating porn. My name tag doesn't say "Hi, I'm Larry Flynt." I just don't think pornography is intrinsically, patently, immoral. And that's my *opinion*. I'm not that foisting that as law on anyone. "Probably the same ones...." Your language got me fired up a little. By saying "probably", you're saying you think it's likely that those who offered contrary opinions are actively encouraging their girlfriends to participate in in the acts you went on to describe. Patently false, in my case. And lastly, we have "watching women after women (not her mind you) take it like the good girl she is in ever hole while he jacks off to it?" You gotta admit --this sentence is LOADED with all kinds of supposition. I just thought it was pretty heavy-handed to toss in serious subjects like addiction and dominance/submissiveness so casually. And when you put it in context with your first sentence, and your repeated use of phrases like "banged all day", it confuses me that you had such a strong reaction to *me* making assumptions. I think there's PLENTY of that to go around.
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Based on your last email, you and I couldn't agree more and yes, I was being over the top in my previous email to you to make a point. From my personal experience and the experiences of my friends, I have yet to meet a women (even the hardcore bible thumping baptist ones) that didn't enjoy "mixing it up" by throwing on a porn every once in a while. Most even welcome and want their BF's / Husbands to have their "happy time" alone with their porn. I think porn has a lot in common with drinking, gambling, drugs or even when your partner checks out another good looking person... okay, healthy and even fun in moderation. Unfortunately, a lot of people are impulsive, lack self-control, have no self discipline, reckless, careless and are easily addicted to the point self-destructive. I for one avoid dating or entering into relationships with these type of individuals or to have them as friends but that's me... I'm absolutely on the same page with you. My objections come with the disrespect and the lack of boundaries, as I said several times. And I think you're right on the money-- the real danger comes from compulsive/obsessive behavior. I just wasn't sure if the OP's boyfriend fell into those categories. We don't know if he's simply being rude and dismissive, or if he as a true impulse-control issue and is flagrantly treating his girlfriend like crap. I may not have presented my case very well, but that's what I was trying to get at. I just don't think it's entirely fair to condemn this guy as a porn-addled junkie when we don't know for certain that's the case. It's entirely plausible that he and his girlfriend just don't have compatible views about sex. Edited March 18, 2012 by rootless
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 It was meant to be heavy handed and over the top sarcastic on purpose because for the life of me, I think it's totally absurd and beyond comprehension that men act like not being able to watch porn is along the same lines as castrating them. If you spend time here on LS in the dating, divorce, marriage and even the break up forums... you will be amazed at how many people allow porn to destroy and ruin what otherwise could be a good thing. I have also seen the following: 1. That people get addicted to it. 2. That people lose their wife, kids and families over it. 3. That people lose their jobs over it. (Had one manager who made $100,000+ a year and a VP making $250,000+ a year lose their jobs over it because they did it at work) 4. People can watch this for hours on end, seriously? 5. That people would rather jack off than have sex with their partner. 6. I could go on and on... For me Porn is like a Strip Club... In my 20's I had friends that preferred to go to strip clubs every weekend, while I choose to go out and meet women who I didn't have to pay them to talk too me. Guess who had more GFs and had more "fun"?
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 It was meant to be heavy handed and over the top sarcastic on purpose because for the life of me, I think it's totally absurd and beyond comprehension that men act like not being able to watch porn is along the same lines as castrating them. If you spend time here on LS in the dating, divorce, marriage and even the break up forums... you will be amazed at how many people allow porn to destroy and ruin what otherwise could be a good thing. I have also seen the following: 1. That people get addicted to it. 2. That people lose their wife, kids and families over it. 3. That people lose their jobs over it. (Had one manager who made $100,000+ a year and a VP making $250,000+ a year lose their jobs over it because they did it at work) 4. People can watch this for hours on end, seriously? 5. That people would rather jack off than have sex with their partner. 6. I could go on and on... For me Porn is like a Strip Club... In my 20's I had friends that preferred to go to strip clubs every weekend, while I choose to go out and meet women who I didn't have to pay them to talk too me. Guess who had more GFs and had more "fun"? The irony here is that I FULLY agree with you. On every point you made. For me, porn is an occasional indulgence. And I do think it's wholly ridiculous to dismiss genuine *abuse* of it as something that's just part of typical male psychology. Fantasy is. A desire for novelty is. But hoarding porn like you're life depended on it isn't. And if it's something you're consistently turning to in lieu of real connection, something is wrong. It's the same dynamic that plays into drug abuse, or other damaging forms of escapism. My whole question is-- is this guy *really* doing that? Only the OP and her boyfriend can answer that.
gibson Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 My whole question is-- is this guy *really* doing that? Only the OP and her boyfriend can answer that. Based on what I know, heard and have read on LS, it's probably a safe bet that he is more than likely the problem, unfortunately. In all seriousness... I imagine me wanting to have sex in a very bad way with my GF and her proceeding to take off her clothes and go into another room to put on a DVD of Oceans 11 because she would rather masterbate and get off to George Clooney, Brad Pitt and company instead of having sex with me. That would hurt like hell and I would absolutely lose my mind! So would a majority of the guys that "defend" (most likely unhealthy) porn use here on LS. If I ever met just one "Ice Princess" that was dead set against any porn ever... Maybe I would be more on the guys side on this but the truth is, me or my friends haven't met one (and we are talking about quality, successful, religious, self-respecting women too). Hell, even the women me or my friends dated that had horrible experiences with previous men because of porn were still open to it and even enjoyed it because it was done in a loving, caring, thoughtful and respectful way. Personally, I can take porn or leave it. All I have to do is think of what my GF did the other day or sure to do in the near future and it's better than any porn / pornstar I have ever seen if I need to "rub one out". In my experience and those of the men I value and respect... What my mother told me about women is true. If treat a women like a Princess, she will treat you like a King. 2
rootless Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Based on what I know, heard and have read on LS, it's probably a safe bet that he is more than likely the problem, unfortunately. In all seriousness... I imagine me wanting to have sex in a very bad way with my GF and her proceeding to take off her clothes and go into another room to put on a DVD of Oceans 11 because she would rather masterbate and get off to George Clooney, Brad Pitt and company instead of having sex with me. That would hurt like hell and I would absolutely lose my mind! So would a majority of the guys that "defend" (most likely unhealthy) porn use here on LS. If I ever met just one "Ice Princess" that was dead set against any porn ever... Maybe I would be more on the guys side on this but the truth is, me or my friends haven't met one (and we are talking about quality, successful, religious, self-respecting women too). Hell, even the women me or my friends dated that had horrible experiences with previous men because of porn were still open to it and even enjoyed it because it was done in a loving, caring, thoughtful and respectful way. Personally, I can take porn or leave it. All I have to do is think of what my GF did the other day or sure to do in the near future and it's better than any porn / pornstar I have ever seen if I need to "rub one out". In my experience and those of the men I value and respect... What my mother told me about women is true. If treat a women like a Princess, she will treat you like a King. Once again, I'm very much in line with your opinions on this subject. I think it might surprise you how similarly I feel, and act. I would never let a *thing* supersede my respect or decency towards a living human being. Whether it's money, or alcohol, porn, whatever. In the realtoonships I've been in-- I'm 36, so there's a few -- I'd never allow something as trivial and ultimately unfulfilling as porn to come between me and my girlfriend. I'm VERY much a "if the toothpaste bothers you, I love you enough to change" kinda guy. I'm probably a little too conciliatory and accommodating, to tell you the truth. But MangoWaffles only made one post. And she wasn't explicit about frequency, or whether he needed it to function in the bedroom. That was all other people. And though I agree it's tragically common in our society today, the OP wasn't conclusive enough for me to lump her boyfriend into one category, or the other. Believe me, I am in total solidarity with women who've been asked to tolerate that crap. But with only one post from the OP, I don't think we can tell what's really going on. 1
Author MangoWaffles Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) Update: I never followed through with that plan. Here are all the details I know: He always said that he hated the habit and himself for it.It's been months, and over a year since the first time it was brought up. It's still a problem for him, and he supposedly hates it as much as I do.I don't know the frequency of his habit. I refuse to ask, because I want to keep my sanity.He has had the problem for over ten years.It was once a product of desire, but became something he resorted to during times of mild stress and anxiety.He's been very good about hiding this stuff. I've never actually caught it on his browser history or anything. It is all based on his word. Ever since he told me that he kept doing it after he promised he would never do it again, and after I said if he did do it again that we would break up, my life has been a living hell. We are very close, very intimate in all ways. We were engaged, and our hearts beat as one. He is a wonderful boyfriend aside from that. The porn thing was a monstrous betrayal. He broke the news that he had been looking at it even though he had been telling me he was not. I can't even describe my reaction, but I started doing things that made other people question my sanity. I browsed the internet for hours upon hours, day after day, to find comforting words from others. I wanted to know that his situation was not something that I needed to worry myself with. There was nothing; everything I read made me feel even more hopeless than I already did. It came up again yesterday. He still has a problem with it. I broke up with him today, thus breaking our engagement. I can't live with it. I hate myself for being so close-minded, so selfish, but I simply can't handle it. I've tried, and my world has fallen apart. I can't be so close to him, so intimate, and know that he is directing his intimacy elsewhere. It's one of those things I just can't piece together. I don't understand how a man as wonderful as him, a man I thought I knew so well and gave everything to, could do something that is tearing me apart. My future no longer includes him at this point. If it did, it would be a future full of deception and pain. He and I are currently on "NC". My future holds nothing for me. It's everything I can do, everything I can pray for, to try to survive. I look at every possible way my future can unravel, and I see only a bleak future, void of love and fulfillment. This has been the case since January, since he first told me that he has had no success breaking his porn addiction. It has taken me six months, but there is now hope, however slight (and that is so slight that it takes true faith to see, like having faith in God), that I can move forward. Now is the process of healing, though I can't see how. It is the process of discernment, though it seems there is nothing left in the world to discern. The only person I had to discuss my personal life and feelings with is the one that has caused all of my distress, and is the one I can no longer comminicate with. That is why I resorted to something as pathetic as posting my strongest feelings on a forum. The only thing that keeps me from overdosing on a drug and dying right now is our God, who seems ever-so distant. I don't know if any advise would help, but respond if you wish. Peace be with you. Edited July 6, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merged post
Exit Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Its not pathetic to share your feelings here. If this is not something you could live with then ultimately you did the right thing.
Tiera D Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 i dunno about you all but i havent seen any one man that i know who did not watch porn,i watch it with all my girlfriends..to me watching porn is as much as watching a normal movie very normal i think TD 1
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