MangoWaffles Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 My boyfriend of nearly two years has a problem looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. He knows this is extremely painful for me. It has caused problems with us since he's told me, and I've responded rather severely. Yet, he continues to look, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Since he allows himself to make other girls the object of his fantasies, quite frankly, I don't see the problem with allowing myself to become the object of other guys' fantasies. I plan on dressing much less modestly and intentionally attracting the attention of other guys. Maybe I would even post pictures on facebook that he wouldn't be quite comfortable with. It would stop there; I would not encourage any further relations or real acquaintances with the guys. I would simply be encouraging their attention. I see this as a parallel to him allowing himself to fantasize about other girls. What do you think of this?
Exit Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Two wrongs don't make a right and I see your "solution" as a fairly immature way of handling it. First of all, you kind of have it backwards. He's watching women on a computer screen (or wherever), giving his attention to them. Your suggested plan involves other people giving attention to YOU. That's kinda the opposite of what he's doing. Saying you're also going to watch porn or openly talk about male celebrities or other guys who you think are hot would be more along the lines of an accurate "payback". But regardless, neither way is appropriate. Don't sink to his level or make this "an eye for an eye" type of situation. To handle this maturely, you make sure you communicate 100% clearly how much this bothers you, and he either changes, or he doesn't, and you either stay with him, or decide it is a boundary that you will not back down from, and leave the relationship. You'd just be inviting a whole lot more drama into your live by acting out this plan of getting attention from other guys. Don't make the situation uglier. Having a battle with your significant other to try to make each other jealous is not healthy, it's toxic. Besides, why turn your own body into a weapon or tool to use in this disagreement? Respect yourself, just because you're upset with your boyfriend doesn't mean you should throw on a mini skirt and go give the rest of the world some free eye candy. 3
GildedLily Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 This may help you, Dr. Drew says that when men watch porn they are NOT comparing their gf's with the women in the movies and that their porn preference has nothing to do with the actual women they find attractive.
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 My boyfriend of nearly two years has a problem looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. He knows this is extremely painful for me. It has caused problems with us since he's told me, and I've responded rather severely. Yet, he continues to look, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Since he allows himself to make other girls the object of his fantasies, quite frankly, I don't see the problem with allowing myself to become the object of other guys' fantasies. I plan on dressing much less modestly and intentionally attracting the attention of other guys. Maybe I would even post pictures on facebook that he wouldn't be quite comfortable with. It would stop there; I would not encourage any further relations or real acquaintances with the guys. I would simply be encouraging their attention. I see this as a parallel to him allowing himself to fantasize about other girls. What do you think of this? I think if it's not something you two can come to an agreement on, and it bothers you this much, that you need to just end things and spare both of you the constant back and forth on this. But being manipulative back will not help things whatsoever. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Your BF is fantasizing over anonymous women who he will never see in real life. Your response would only be an escalation and might get you a reputation that you don't like. Maybe instead of being hurt by it, you could watch it with him? Incorporate it into your foreplay?
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 This may help you, Dr. Drew says that when men watch porn they are NOT comparing their gf's with the women in the movies and that their porn preference has nothing to do with the actual women they find attractive. Dr. Drew is a man; I want to hear from a woman, LOL.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Your BF is fantasizing over anonymous women who he will never see in real life. Your response would only be an escalation and might get you a reputation that you don't like. Maybe instead of being hurt by it, you could watch it with him? Incorporate it into your foreplay? If she is uncomfortable with him delving into this, why would watching porn with him help her? She should be the object of his fantasies, not porn. What he is doing doesn't seem normal to me. Cut him loose. Let him have his creepy porn.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 My boyfriend of nearly two years has a problem looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. He knows this is extremely painful for me. It has caused problems with us since he's told me, and I've responded rather severely. Yet, he continues to look, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Since he allows himself to make other girls the object of his fantasies, quite frankly, I don't see the problem with allowing myself to become the object of other guys' fantasies. I plan on dressing much less modestly and intentionally attracting the attention of other guys. Maybe I would even post pictures on facebook that he wouldn't be quite comfortable with. It would stop there; I would not encourage any further relations or real acquaintances with the guys. I would simply be encouraging their attention. I see this as a parallel to him allowing himself to fantasize about other girls. What do you think of this? Don't do that to yourself; have some dignity. Let him pull his pud to these movies; he knows it bothers you and still does it---too regularly. He's not giving you the attention you need and deserve. Find a fellow who will not only have respect for you, but eyes and fantasies for you as well. Dudes fantasize, I get that. But to look at porn each day is pretty sick. Why does he need to do that when he has you to satisfy him?
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 This may help you, Dr. Drew says that when men watch porn they are NOT comparing their gf's with the women in the movies and that their porn preference has nothing to do with the actual women they find attractive. The guy has a 6 hour a day porn habit and he isn't considered an addict? Drew compares it to playing the x box? Really? yeah right; he'll stop, LOL...Moving on...
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I think if it's not something you two can come to an agreement on, and it bothers you this much, that you need to just end things and spare both of you the constant back and forth on this. But being manipulative back will not help things whatsoever. Finally, some wise words. Philo is very right.
nevadagirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 This post is interesting. I understand wanting him to feel the way you feel. Men watching porn (lots and lots and lots of porn and women having to accept and be aware of all the different fantasies that don't involve them is a bitter bill that most men don't have to swallow). But what you're doing won't work. It'd be one thing if you *wanted* to dress provocatively and you wanted their attention on you because you found that sexually exciting - but you're just trying to get a reaction of out him. You won't feel good about it. 1
desertsessions Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I think you're tripping and being an overly jealous sap. Who cares if your boyfriend watches porn. You expect him to always think of YOU, give me a break. He should be the one leaving you.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Any guy who watches all that porn, especially when they are with someone, has issues. Dump the perverted loser and get with someone who wants YOU and appreciates YOU.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 it doesn't seem to be getting any better. What do you think of this? Well, as long as most of it is still free online, even though some people are paying $13 a copy for Hustler these days, I guess we can't complain!
sao2 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 (edited) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html It's not a joke. I'm not trying to make light of what I'm sure you consider a serious issue. While I understand you feel very strongly about this issue, you are going to have to deal with the (perhaps harsh) reality that all men watch porn. Edited March 11, 2012 by sao2
Nancy B Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I'm sorry that your boyfriend is hurting you, he is continaully doing something that I'm sure you have had countless conversations about. But the reality is you only really have control over your behaviour and not is. If you follow through with your plan you will end up feeling lousy about it and possibly be facing much bigger problems. Don't set yourself up for self inflicted pain. Good luck.
Fitz Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 (edited) She should be the object of his fantasies, not porn. What he is doing doesn't seem normal to me. Cut him loose. Let him have his creepy porn. Who is to say what is normal or not? In this age of the internet, most men have watched porn at some point in their lives. In fact, (personally speaking) my married friends watch much more porn than my single friends. No matter what you do, or how strong your relationship -men (and women too) are going to have sexual desire for other people. It's human nature. Now I'm not saying a man should act on this desire, but I am saying that he's naturally going to have these desires. So whether your man watches a porn or masturbates in the shower or simply imagines what an attractive coworker looks like in the nude, these kind of thoughts are going to happen. However, a healthy relationship does not mean that a man banishes all thoughts of sex with other women. Yet, it does mean that a man can handle these thoughts in a mature way. For example, he can be around a sexually attractive girl without cheating on his W/GF. As far as your BF watching porn goes, as long as it is not excessive then I wouldn't obsess about it. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's not into you. But if your sex life is suffering or if he's less affectionate or seems otherwise unplugged from your relationship, then this may be a sign of underlying issues. Which are probably worth addressing (just don't start off by crying or yelling, lol). In conclusion: if your relationship is otherwise fine, but you see a porn site in his browser I wouldn't flip out about it. Edited March 11, 2012 by Fitz
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Who is to say what is normal or not? In this age of the internet, most men have watched porn at some point in their lives. In fact, (personally speaking) my married friends watch much more porn than my single friends. No matter what you do, or how strong your relationship -men (and women too) are going to have sexual desire for other people. It's human nature. Now I'm not saying a man should act on this desire, but I am saying that he's naturally going to have these desires. So whether your man watches a porn or masturbates in the shower or simply imagines what an attractive coworker looks like in the nude, these kind of thoughts are going to happen. However, a healthy relationship does not mean that a man banishes all thoughts of sex with other women. Yet, it does mean that a man can handle these thoughts in a mature way. For example, he can be around a sexually attractive girl without cheating on his W/GF. As far as your BF watching porn goes, as long as it is not excessive then I wouldn't obsess about it. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's not into you. But if your sex life is suffering or if he's less affectionate or seems otherwise unplugged from your relationship, then this may be a sign of underlying issues. Which are probably worth addressing (just don't start off by crying or yelling, lol). In conclusion: if your relationship is otherwise fine, but you see a porn site in his browser I wouldn't flip out about it. He's whacking off to too much porn and that is why their sex life is suffering. Sorry...not. normal. What a perv. I know a ton of single and lonely guys who watch a lot of porn because no one wants to be with them.
Fitz Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 He's whacking off to too much porn and that is why their sex life is suffering. Sorry...not. normal. What a perv. I know a ton of single and lonely guys who watch a lot of porn because no one wants to be with them. Well, the OP never said that their sex life was suffering. She just said that it bothered her. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Well, the OP never said that their sex life was suffering. She just said that it bothered her. It bothers her. That is more than enough reason for him to stop watching this garbage. If he wants to be turned on, he should look at her.
Mr Scorpio Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 It bothers her. That is more than enough reason for him to stop watching this garbage. If he wants to be turned on, he should look at her. I'm starting to think your opposition to his behavior has more to do with your own personal objection to pornography?
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) I'm starting to think your opposition to his behavior has more to do with your own personal objection to pornography? Oh?? Are you offended that I object it? Is it normal for you? I personally think it's gross, but that's neither here nor there. His viewing this on a regular basis is hurting her==THAT is what bugs me; he won't stop constantly watching it knowing it hurts her. She is resorting to doing things to make him look her way; and people who are too into that instead of the person they are with have serious issues but won't admit it--they keep trying to justify that it's okay to watch it as much as they do. Are you one of those people? would you rather have your g/f watch porn all day? "ShhhHHHHHhhh, Mr. Scorpio; you are in the way; I got a real good view of all their schlongs!! 6 more hours of this! woohooooo!" Clearly this man doesn't care about her feelings. Let him have that junk and she can find a guy who has no need for that. Edited March 13, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered
rootless Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) Porn, like anything designed to stimulate, can become destructive and harmful when it's used as a surrogate for genuine happiness and intimacy. If it's truly excessive, I think you have every right to be upset. But if it isn't, and it doesn't adversely effect your sex life beyond you simply being bothered by it, I think this is a case where you *might* need to pick your battles. Unless your husband/boyfriend is actively, and substantially diverting attention away from you, this could possibly be a case of you overreacting to a totally normal, typical male behavior. Is it disrespectful that he's continued to view it since you told him it bothered you? Yes. But is your objection totally reasonable? That's where the tension comes from-- you obviously have different definitions about what's acceptable, and what isn't. Your definition of excessive doesn't coincide with his. If it's a genuine source of pain for you-- maybe see a couples' counselor about it? An objective, authoritative figure could probably help you sort out if he's being inconsiderate, or if you need to cut him some slack. Might be worth looking into, if it's causing you unrest. The thing about men and porn that most women don't understand is that it generally has NOTHING to do with our emotional state of being. For most men, it's little more than an act of maintenance. There's literally ZERO thought going on right then. We're not curing cancer, or contemplating our chi, or pondering the complexities of interpersonal dynamics. Masturbation is typically an act that's utterly and totally bereft of any kind of higher brain function. I'm not kidding. It's a dumb, ridiculous, undignified act and we KNOW it. But we do it anyway. It's like picking your nose -- it's gross, but sometimes, it just NEEDS to be done. And unless something is terribly wrong, our emotional machinations are at an absolute STANDSTILL when we do that. We're pretty much dead from the neck up during that moment. There's no betrayal. We're not comparing you to the women on screen. (And if we did-- you'd probably win. If we're happy in our relationship, our loving girlfriend/wife is going to trump a nasty skank in a porn movie EVERY time). For most of us, it's not a substitute for sex. A normal, healthy male doesn't find it remotely as satisfying as connecting physically with another human being. It's just a quick, lazy way to get the job done. And sometimes, that's appealing. 90% of the time, it's just about release. And the other 10% is normally about novelty-- indulging some dumb fantasy. That's honestly IT. It's almost never about having a wandering eye, or feeling discontented with the relationship. It's usually just about the magic of friction and 10,000 nerve endings. No big mystery there. Seriously. And here's another little peak into the male mindset... Truthfully, we probably don't enjoy that moment as much as you might think. A lot of times, it's purely compulsory, like scratching an itch. And sometimes, it's just plain depressing. Thanks to a fairly prudish, puritanical society, it's often a moment that's immediately followed by shame. Which is unfortunate, if you ask me. That said, I think a lot of women assign WAY, WAY too much meaning to it. We don't draw a bubble bath and sip champagne and eat chocolate covered strawberries. We just do it so that we don't lose our minds and stab someone at the Post Office. It's not a shining beacon of pride and joy in our lives. We don't finish up, and then rush over to the phone to tell our friends and neighbors about it. "You're never going to believe what I just did!!!" I swear to God, for most men, whacking off holds no more ceremony or importance than popping your knuckles, or cracking your back-- it's just something weird and stupid that we can do with our bodies that feels kinda good for a few seconds. You really shouldn't read more into it than that-- cuz I'm telling you, there honestly isn't a whole lot going on during that process. We're pretty much under the command of the most basic, primitive, dumb-ass, chimp part of our brain at that moment. Unless it's developed into a legitimate obsession, or has a negative impact on his affection towards you, it's honestly not something you should should feel threatened by. Edited March 13, 2012 by rootless went back and re-read original post 4
Mr Scorpio Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Oh?? Are you offended that I object it? Is it normal for you? I personally think it's gross, but that's neither here nor there. His viewing this on a regular basis is hurting her==THAT is what bugs me; he won't stop constantly watching it knowing it hurts her. She is resorting to doing things to make him look her way; and people who are too into that instead of the person they are with have serious issues but won't admit it--they keep trying to justify that it's okay to watch it as much as they do. Are you one of those people? would you rather have your g/f watch porn all day? "ShhhHHHHHhhh, Mr. Scorpio; you are in the way; I got a real good view of all their schlongs!! 6 more hours of this! woohooooo!" Clearly this man doesn't care about her feelings. Let him have that junk and she can find a guy who has no need for that. No, your objection to porn doesn't offend me. Different strokes for different folks. However, IMO the behavior this guy is exhibiting might be normal. All the OP said was that her BF watches porn on a "fairly regular basis" -- not the six-hour hypothetical figure you posted above. My point being that you seem to be condemning pornography per se -- without regard to the amount being watched. If this guy is watching porn everyday, I would say that is excessive and disrespectful of the hurt it is causing the OP. If the guy is watching it once, maybe twice a week, I would consider that "normal" -- especially after being with the same person for a few years.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 No, your objection to porn doesn't offend me. Different strokes for different folks. However, IMO the behavior this guy is exhibiting might be normal. All the OP said was that her BF watches porn on a "fairly regular basis" -- not the six-hour hypothetical figure you posted above. My point being that you seem to be condemning pornography per se -- without regard to the amount being watched. If this guy is watching porn everyday, I would say that is excessive and disrespectful of the hurt it is causing the OP. If the guy is watching it once, maybe twice a week, I would consider that "normal" -- especially after being with the same person for a few years. I do condemn porn. I don't understand the appeal. Midget porn on the other hand is white hot. Just got done watching my usual few hours of it. Meals and a job are overrated. You should see my library. I have it cleverly disguised as Masterpiece Theater. See you later. gotta get back to watching other people have sex.
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