cincinnatikid Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 ..if your going through a rough time well, you know you are because you are HERE. In any case try to do what's best for you. Feed your subliminal mind with positives, barriers, TNT for those mental boulders of heartbreak. Whenever you have thoughts about your ex: good, bad, ugly, indifferent, whatever, just say this 3x.. IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESN'T MATTER Believe me, it will help astronomically. Sometimes I think about of all these post throughout my day and wonder one main thing: do you really want your ex back? do you really?!?! think about this question hard before you answer. here is why i ask. think hypothetically. if your ex were to randomly drop by your doorstep in tears screaming "i made a mistake!!" would you really want them back. i believe the answer is no, and here's why. deep down within you (if your being honest) you know something was wrong about you in some way or another that decided for your significant other to take a walk. granted, im referring to healthy others not mentally troubled. believe me, you dont want them back if it's the first thing on your mind. why? you havent' evolved yet, readdressed you yet, figured out more about who you are. the door has been swung open for you yet you are too busy trying to lodge your foot in the way. granted this sounds presumptuous because its from personal experience but in my heart of hearts i know there are some of you out there that read (and know) exactly what it is im talking about. one other thing. if you are one of those who beat yourself up about how its "all your fault," "he/she did nothing wrong," STOP. I know, because i was one of those. here is a piece of knowledge i hope to impart for the sake of another receiving: Healthy people don't dance with unhealthy people. Meaning, your ex has just as many underlying issues as you. If you were both healthy, you'd still be dancing. So with that said, do yourself a favor. GET HEALTHY, in every way. Let them get healthy in every way. Time only tells what happens. You may cross paths again, you may not. Either way, you both will be healthy. For each other or, for someone else. That is all and best to each and every one of you. 3
sweetheart5381 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I agree with alot of what you said except for the "It doesn't matter" part. We are here because it obviously does matter. If it didnt matter, I simply would not care at all. You would not even write the words if it truly did not matter. Just my opinion, but after 2 long term relationship ends ( 8 yrs and 4yrs) and the last relationship was 8 months (why I'm here) the end does matter. It takes alot to get through B/Us and if you do it right, you learn from the past. 1
loveydove Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I agree with both of you - I think it does matter, however, not as much as it seems to us at the time. I know that I blow everything out of proportion in my head, as though my life is over, when it clearly is not. I think perhaps it could be a useful tool to help those of us who over dramatize, and obsessively wonder where it all went wrong - to keep it from taking over our lives. A little lesson I learned from the book "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff - and it's all small stuff" is when something has upset me and is occupying my thoughts, to ask myself if it will matter literally a year from now. For most of the silly things I am upset about - they will be long forgotten. But losing this relationship will not be long forgotten, so I do agree, it matters.
g450 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Somebody once told me that 99% of the things we worry about, never happen. Same is true with our X's. 99% of us will never get back together with our X's. Yet it seems that most of us torture ourselves over the slim possibility and tend to obsess about them for months if not years rather than just heal ourselves and go on with our lives. You see it all the time here. That is wasted stress and time. Like the OP stated...It doesnt matter. They dont matter. Only you matter. The sooner people here understand that, the better off they will be.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 It matters because it hurts, it hurts because it matters. My ex was abusive verbally and mentally. Do I love him anymore? No. Not even sure now if I loved him or was infatuated. Do I want him back? Hell no, but.....what he did hurts still because a lot of it was intentional and spiteful, just games on his part. It hurts because he was mean to me and is now being sweet and loving to another girl. It does matter. It will matter until it doesn't matter anymore.
sweetheart5381 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 It matters because it hurts, it hurts because it matters. My ex was abusive verbally and mentally. Do I love him anymore? No. Not even sure now if I loved him or was infatuated. Do I want him back? Hell no, but.....what he did hurts still because a lot of it was intentional and spiteful, just games on his part. It hurts because he was mean to me and is now being sweet and loving to another girl. It does matter. It will matter until it doesn't matter anymore. Ya, I hear ya. The abusive behaviour takes yrs to figure out, why the hell would they ever do that?? I used to question myself too, wonder if I ever loved him or if it was infatuation. Truth is for me I loved him deeply and having your heart played with is sooo terrible. Takes time to heal. I found out a yr after the relationship ended with my REALLY abusive ex ( he strangled me in front of out daughter) that he cheated the whole time (4 yrs)... with his best friend's little sister. I always thought he was true to me in that sense and it hurt a bit after a yr to find out but wasnt a surprise to hear it. (She told me only after he cheated on her and she felt guilty for breaking up our family, in hindsight he made her feel that way I am sure). Since then I have had yet another woman come and tell me of his mental and physical abuse of her. He has 7 more charges of domestic abuse against him... surprise!! Bottom line, dirtbags are dirtbags... no rhyme or reason and they don't change. Not worth your time at all. Hurts like hell but you move on... I did, so will you. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Ya, I hear ya. The abusive behaviour takes yrs to figure out, why the hell would they ever do that?? I used to question myself too, wonder if I ever loved him or if it was infatuation. Truth is for me I loved him deeply and having your heart played with is sooo terrible. Takes time to heal. I found out a yr after the relationship ended with my REALLY abusive ex ( he strangled me in front of out daughter) that he cheated the whole time (4 yrs)... with his best friend's little sister. I always thought he was true to me in that sense and it hurt a bit after a yr to find out but wasnt a surprise to hear it. (She told me only after he cheated on her and she felt guilty for breaking up our family, in hindsight he made her feel that way I am sure). Since then I have had yet another woman come and tell me of his mental and physical abuse of her. He has 7 more charges of domestic abuse against him... surprise!! Bottom line, dirtbags are dirtbags... no rhyme or reason and they don't change. Not worth your time at all. Hurts like hell but you move on... I did, so will you. Hi,Sweetheart! Your name fits you:) I am so sorry you went through all of that:( and in front of your child; he is not a man, but a mouse. When they use your good nature to hurt you for whatever 'gain', it's something that takes a lot of time to heal. And sometimes that wound reopens. My ex hurt me this way, his ex wife and 2 others that I know of. The only difference is he obsessively stalked them after it was over. There was something about me that he left me alone. He did send me 2 texts in August asking how I am. I did not respond. It made me queasy, actually. You hurt me, trash and lie about me, have people block me me because I am 'psycho'...and then you text me to see how I am? He did not attempt contact after that. Very odd for a guy who has been known to blow up your phone with texts, clog your emails or IM's. He blocked me like I was the problem. Recently I found he's been with someone new since January and they are pretty serious. found her on one of his many dating sites. I'm not sure if you saw one of my posts about being upset over seeing a picture of them together, because it confirmed that he is happy. Well, it looks that way anyway. I asked a friend if she thought he would change and be sweet and loving to this new one. She very sarcastically said "oh yeahhh, he's gonnna stop all of that just for her". Still grappling with the pride thing. But at least I didn't answer those texts and get sucked in again. part of why he texted was to see why someone in his circle blocked him. he thinks I am behind anything that goes wrong in his creepy Facebook world. Your thoughts are very wise and comforting and helpful; I just wanted you to know that.
sweetheart5381 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Ya, the stalking thing, just gross... I only learned about "stalking" from him. He actually told me that he stalked his ex shortly after we were together and I had no idea how bad that was to do to someone.. a big red flag I missed... that is until I had it done to me. I didnt really understand domestic abuse til it occured in such a way that my life was devastated. Still picking up the pieces financially from that relationship end. I'm a single Mom, bankrupt, he has me in court for custody (he is on welfare, hides his income from a "side-business") and living with his Mom so his legal fees are free and he has the best lawyer in town - I work 50 hrs a week to keep my job and pay the bills and have no legal assistance. Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug... but you always have self-respect and don't ever give them back the power to hurt you again. **** them. I deserve better and so do you. That's my motto
sweetheart5381 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Ya, the stalking thing, just gross... I only learned about "stalking" from him. He actually told me that he stalked his ex shortly after we were together and I had no idea how bad that was to do to someone.. a big red flag I missed... that is until I had it done to me. I didnt really understand domestic abuse til it occured in such a way that my life was devastated. Still picking up the pieces financially from that relationship end. I'm a single Mom, bankrupt, he has me in court for custody (he is on welfare, hides his income from a "side-business") and living with his Mom so his legal fees are free and he has the best lawyer in town - I work 50 hrs a week to keep my job and pay the bills and have no legal assistance. Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug... but you always have self-respect and don't ever give them back the power to hurt you again. **** them. I deserve better. That's my motto
sweetheart5381 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Oops, sorry, my laptop stopped responding so I reposted.. I hate technology!
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