75andsunny Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Hi everyone. I've been a frequent lurker on this site but this is my first post, and I have a situation. Just a brief bio first: I'm 38. I seperated about a year ago from a 9 year marriage and started dating again towards the end of last summer. Mostly through OLD and a few set-ups from friends. I went on a lot of dates in the beginning just to shake off the rust and dip my feet back in, and recently I met someone that I've been spending a LOT of time with lately and who I am really developing strong feelings for. I believe the feelings are mutual. We met online about 3 weeks ago, and since then and have spent the past two weekends together and a few weekday dates scattered in between. Sex was had, secrets were shared, etc. We live about 40 miles apart so it takes effort on both our parts. Normally it is her coming down to see me but she knows I am more than willing to make the same trip. We also talk and text all day and really have a strong connection. I've never shared as much about me with anyone in such a short period of time. I think I am feeling even more comfortable with her than my ex. She works crazy hours and her actions tell me she is definitely committed and interested in seeing where this could go. I pretty much know what she's up to most of the time and she me, and I've since hidden my online profile, telling her I really don't need to complicate my life by multi-dating or stringing any one else along when I'm really interested in her. I know she is not dating anyone, but she does still have her profile up and logs in everyday, or at least on the days I check her status. It kind of bugs me, but she says she just likes to check mail or "see whatsup". We talked about it a week ago, and at that time, being only two weeks into the relationship I just told her that I am doing what is comfortable for me and have no expectation or demand for her to do the same (taking down or hiding the profile). I know she is not stringing me along based on the time we've spent together and the conversations we've had. At what point do I broach this subject again? I don't want drive her away by being demanding or appearing insecure, but at this point I think we are both committed to this relationship and it's really bugging me that she is still on the site. Am I overthinking this? Sorry for the long rant and thanks for reading!
sid3 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Yeah you're over thinking it. Why are you checking her status in the first place. After only three weeks you should'nt be putting any type of expectations on her. That is a really short amount of time, why risk killing the attraction over your insecurity. Instead, stop worrying. You'll do much better than if you get all jealous and needy.
FitChick Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Wait another month after you've been dating steadily and then broach the subject.
Author 75andsunny Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Yeah you're over thinking it. Why are you checking her status in the first place. After only three weeks you should'nt be putting any type of expectations on her. That is a really short amount of time, why risk killing the attraction over your insecurity. Instead, stop worrying. You'll do much better than if you get all jealous and needy. Thanks for the reply. I don't think I'm getting jealous or needy at all. I definitely want the pace to go naturally, which it has for the most part...and maybe even faster than either of us expected, but we are keeping up with each other. I guess I did have an expectation that if I were to take down my profile she would reciprocate, but she didn't and it's cool. I'm not insecure because I know she's not seeing anyone....but still, then why? She even made a comment about how she hasn't seen me active on POF in awhile. And I don't think she would have been as willing to make as much of an emotional investment if I hadn't made that move....so? I get that we've only known each other less than a month....but I'm an old fashioned guy and haven't dated much in AWHILE, other than in the past few months. I've had several recent relationships that were casual, saw each other once a week or so for a little bit, but no real spark...or reason to stop looking, until I met her. I guess I just wasn't sure if I'm being unreasonable to have that expectation (whether or not I bring it up to her again anytime soon), since I haven't had this kind of a connection since my ex and I split, and I kinda forgot what the 'natural' pace of things should be...or am I just too much in my own head. Anyway....thanks.
Nwabudikhe Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 The 'natural' pace is the pace that feels right for you both. I wouldn't sweat her keeping her profile up, not because I don't think she's up to anything as much as you shouldn't be sweating over anything she does. I do find it odd she would comment that she hasn't seen you on a dating site like she almost wishes you were? Odd... People don't "see what's up" on dating sites. They get on dating sites to date. The only thing I can think for why she would be on otherwise, and the only reason I think this could possibly be the case is because she mentioned you not being on the site, is maybe she just enjoys browsing through profiles and amuses herself with what people put up there. Still... that's weird to me. I'd keep things going with her, but keep looking if I were you. She sounds like she might be so you may as well too... But as said, it's still pretty early into it so maybe things will solidify after a bit more time.
smokey bear Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I dont think your over your ex, it also sounds like your in infatuation, also google fake/false intimacy.
sid3 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Of course you wouldn't think your being insecure or needy, but that doesn't mean your new lady friend won't. Although men have very good hindsight after we crash and burn with women, too much over thinking things about someone new is the most common mistake IMO. After three weekends you should be having fun. Why pressure her when you should be charming her.
make me believe Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 No, you're not overthinking it, especially since you guys are already having sex. Like Nwabudikhe said, people go on dating sites to DATE, not "see whats up." Clearly she is keeping her options open & seeing what else is out there. Do you want to continue having sex with her not knowing if she's sleeping with other guys too? Did you guys discuss this before you slept together? I think you should tell her you don't believe in having sex with more than one person at a time (I'm assuming this is true since you aren't comfortable dating more than one person at a time), and ask if she is currently sleeping with anybody else. And tell her that you're sorry you didn't have this conversation before you started having sex. Normally I would say you've only known her for three weeks, you need to chill out a bit. But the fact that you guys are having sex is what changes it for me.
Author 75andsunny Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 No, you're not overthinking it, especially since you guys are already having sex. Like Nwabudikhe said, people go on dating sites to DATE, not "see whats up." Clearly she is keeping her options open & seeing what else is out there. Do you want to continue having sex with her not knowing if she's sleeping with other guys too? Did you guys discuss this before you slept together? I think you should tell her you don't believe in having sex with more than one person at a time (I'm assuming this is true since you aren't comfortable dating more than one person at a time), and ask if she is currently sleeping with anybody else. And tell her that you're sorry you didn't have this conversation before you started having sex. Normally I would say you've only known her for three weeks, you need to chill out a bit. But the fact that you guys are having sex is what changes it for me. Yes...sex changes it for me too. We did have that conversation, and she said nearly the exact same thing. She is not sleeping with anybody else, and has the same M.O. as far being sexually involved with someone. She told me she wouldn't date a guy who she thought was sleeping around, and that is partially why I hid my profile and have been inactive online (or otherwise), because I think actions speak louder than words. Also because I just like things to be simple, and figure I could get distracted if I kept it up when I genuinely want to focus on this and see where it goes. I did not (nor would I at this point) insist on her doing the same, I just kind of wanted to see what she would say/do. Was that wrong? I'm not trying to play games or anything...at least not intentionally. (PS: Thanks for the reply) I dont think your over your ex, it also sounds like your in infatuation, also google fake/false intimacy. Ah....no, that's not it at all. I only mention my ex as a reference point to my last significant relationship. Otherwise she is the furthest thing from my mind, and this woman is nothing like her. But thanks. I will admit though, it may be something giving her some pause....which is understandable, since it's only been a year.
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