Melrapuo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 This is going to be a very long post, but the past 6 days have been both awesome and kind of a let down. So I was giving it a second go with my first ever ex, someone who I dated for two years and ended up being dumped by for another guy (that particular relationship ended within 1.5 months, and I stopped talking to her 2 months post-break up. We hadn't spoken for over 3 years). I had asked to get coffee with her in december to catch up (i had just gotten out of a three yr relationship). Everything was going great, and I decided to ask her out. She had said yes. I was all honkey dorey until about a week or so later, when she cancelled the date. She said that she had actually been seeing someone, but not officially. However, when she had agreed to the date everyone had said that it was a great move, but she felt it would end like our original relationship had ended, and someone was going to get hurt. At first I got very angry that she had hid this from me, but eventually I took it as a sign that this weren't going to work between us, and accepted friendship. I took another girl on a couple dates, but things weren't really working out, so I ended that. About 2-3 weeks ago I find out from her that the guy she was seeing had pretty much dropped her. She was a complete wreck (I guess this is the first guy to ever dump her, even though they weren't technically together.) She ended up going to a mental health clinic (???) for about 4 days because of this. I was trying to be a really good friend and help support her during this, and I did check up and see how she was doing. A week and a half after this is all happening, I'm checking up on her and trying to see if she was ok. I tell her that we should also be hanging out more, since our friendship for the last 3 months had only been 1 or 2 hangouts (at this point I was doubting our friendship and wondering why I had even agreed to it, since it wasn't much of one at all). So we started hanging out a bit. One night with her friend, and then again with just her friend. At first I thought it would be weird, but I ended up enjoying it. It was nice to catch up and do the same old jokes we had done before (my last ex was kind of a prude, didn't laugh at my goofiness ) I hadn't really been thinking much of it, but feelings were slowly creeping back. I didn't act on them, but they were there for sure. On thursday my ex had asked if i wanted to go to an open mic event at a bar, and I agreed. She had been encouraging that I do more musical stuff, since she is a musician, and I felt this was a good form of therapy to help move past my last relationship and better myself. So we went to the bar, and on the way there we talked about how dating for both of us had sucked the past 3-4 years, where she thought she finally had what she wanted and so did i. We were both pretty much fed up with dating people for now. When we got to the bar, we watched the bands go up and perform, drank a bit. I was really enjoying the night, and she felt like a long-lost buddy that I hadn't had in a while. Then one of the singers came up to us and started hitting on my ex. I took this in stride, not freaking out or anything. It wasn't my place to say anything, and I didn't. I felt this is how it was going to be from this point on, so it was best to see how it went and whether or not I could handle it. The rest of the night I just watched music while the guy hit on her, and at some point I could tell she was uncomfortable with the guy and wasn't feeling it. She started scooting her stool over to me more and more, and eventually started putting her head on my shoulder while the guy talked. I sat there kinda confused, but felt she was just trying to make the guy disappear. Eventually her friend joined us at the bar and made the guy go away (lol). We bar hopped to a different place that was closer in town, and we continued to drink and talk. She was very touchy-feely with me, and at this point it was getting pretty physical. I didn't want to just sit there confused, so I decided to ask her what the heck was happening. Was she wanting sex, or did she want more? At this point we were both really drunk, and she told me that she felt she had made a mistake when she dumped me and missed me. She wanted to try things again but was afraid of screwing things up. I had asked about the other guy that had just dumped her, and she said that was a mistake that she should've never made. I ended up going home with her that night (i was drunk, too drunk to realize that was a big no-no. Already kicked myself for that one.) We ended up fooling around but I was too drunk to have actual sex. The whole time she kept telling me how she loved me, how she missed me, etc. I stayed overnight, and the next morning was very awkward. I sat there wondering if everything she said was true, but didnt say anything until I thought about it for a day or so. Eventually I asked again if we could meet for coffee, and when we did I asked what this was all about, and if what she said was true. She told me everything was true, but she had a lot of inhibitions about going through with it. The mental health clinic, the guy dumping her, her afraid of losing me again and screwing things up, etc. - all of these things were still on her mind. I told her that we didn't have to do this, that we could leave things the way they were, or we could take things slow from that point on. Eventually things seemed to lean towards the slow part. That same day we went to a park together, hugged and held hands. she suggested a place to go eat, and we enjoyed dinner. I ended up back at her house again, and we just hung out a bit in her room. Then we went out, and I (jokingly) suggested going to my family's summer home to hang out. When she agreed, I said the heck with it and drove us both up. We drank very little (maybe two beers at most), and joked around. Eventually however, this time she initiated the sex between us. I told her I was hesitant to do so because my last relationship had barely any sex (please read any previous threads) and it had been a good 6 months since I had any. However, we did eventually have sex, and cuddled for a bit. Then we drove back to her house, and she offered to have me stay over (no sex this time, just cuddling). For the next two days it was just hanging out for a couple hours. I felt that having sex was a big mistake, made when I was much more sober, and I was hesitant to make it only about sex. I wanted more at this point, even though only a week before I was happy with just being friends. However, after hanging out with her monday night, she texted me telling me that the same things that were making her hesitant were still eating away at her, and that she couldn't keep at the relationship. This didnt really hurt much at first. In fact, I was so used to her flip flopping on the subject that I took it in stride. We agreed on just being friends like before. I was happy with being friends before, so i didn't think going back to that would be such a big deal. However, yesterday I had a major meltdown. Didn't get much sleep, had really bad anxiety attacks, depression, etc. I ended up having to go see my therapist on a day when I normally don't, confessed to my parents that I really needed more help than I was getting, etc. It took me all day before I felt normal. I've felt a little better today, but now I feel like I'm in a strange position. The logical side of me is saying "this girl is kinda of a mess. You should be more focused on yourself before you consider anything else with this girl, even friendship." My heart, however, wants her to change her mind. And I feel as though two sides of me are at war with each other. I do want to keep the friendship. I've missed being around her. But my feelings for her are back in the picture, but not as strong as when we were initially together. Its very strange... So what do I do? I wanted to stay friends, but make sure that my feelings don't get in the way. Is that possible? Do I have to disappear from her for a little bit? Can I just plow through this? O, and like the title says, WTF just happened? I don't think I was used, I just think both of us were confused...
jennisfora Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I think in order to be "just" friends, you do have to drop off the radar for a bit. Probably a month or two, just to be able to distance yourself from the emotions. Actually, probably more time than that even. You have to be able to be friends without an ulterior motive, like wanting to get back together, in order to be a real friend to her. Plus, I think for your emotional health, some distance would be a good idea. If being around her causes you to need help, I think it is unhealthy. Better for you to focus on you, and be friends later. Just my opinion of course.
jus d'orange Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 It seems as if neither of you is really ready to start up a new romantic relationship. Unfortunately, the sex and false start means that a friendship is doomed, at least for a while. I'd recommend you let her know that you want to give each other some serious space (like no contacting each other in any way) for 6 months. You said you weren't enjoying dating for the last little while... then don't worry about it! Just be single and yourself for a good while. I bet, once you've had some time apart, this girl will either commit herself to working on these insecurities, or you simply won't want someone like that anymore. You may still want to be her friend, and at that point, you'd be able to be.
Author Melrapuo Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 See this all makes sense but i have no idea what to do. We hadnt spoken in three years and when i had first asked her out and she said.no, i had accepted that as a sign that.we were meant to only be friends. The events from last week have totally messed that up. My head is all over, debating to stay friends or drop it completely. Both ideas hurt a lot. Shes texted trying to start convos with me but i havent responded because im trying to rationally think.about this. Bah this is really hard. Its like friendship is ok in my head but im araid i may not be able to.handle it. Losing her from my life again is heartbreaking. Im very confused and unsure what the right choice fo me is.
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