Swimie Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I have a long distance relationship with my bf. I spent almost a month staying with him last month. It was wonderful! I had to come back home and had been thinking off/on what I'm going to do. Originally my plan was to stay here another 1-2 years. [This convo was in person]---his response was that's fine enough. And that'd he'd love to have me live there but I couldnt until I found a job there. I have been looking in his area, and in my field... the jobs just arent there. (It's a very touristy area.)... So the email I sent him this morning just went over me saying I'll give him X amount of money (negotiable) upfront while i seek employment there. though, the job i get there wont even be AS substantial as it coulda been. But I will still apply, of course. I wont be able to skype with him til sunday or so... but in the email he said in response: "this is a conversation to have face to face".. SO! does that mean no?? And anything else I can sweeten the pot with? I dont think i'll send him ANY more messages about my idea and wait for him to bring it up. But I'm really worried he has already rejected my idea and just trying to put it nicely?... otherwise, if he was gungho about the idea, he woulda just said yes?
ditzchic Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I don't think it means no. I think it just means that this is a big step and he probably thinks it's best to have the conversation face to face to avoid any miscommunications through text or e-mail. He sounds like a smart guy.
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Since marriage is on the table and he apparently wants to get you pregnant the moment you're married, how does he feel about supporting you and about that aspect of family structure in general? I'd say invite him to visit for a weekend and talk face to face.
make me believe Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I wont be able to skype with him til sunday or so... but in the email he said in response: "this is a conversation to have face to face".. SO! does that mean no?? .....It means he wants to talk about it face to face and not over email. Don't read so much into it. Moving in together - especially when one person has to relocate - is a serious decision and it's good that he isn't taking it lightly. And anything else I can sweeten the pot with? This is a really strange question to me. You shouldn't have to convince somebody to live with you. If he doesn't want to, take that for what it is. Don't lower yourself to the point of trying to bribe him or talk him into it. If he is talking about marrying you and having a baby like carhill said, I think it's really weird that he's willing to wait 1-2 years of continued LDR and that he refuses to support you financially while you look for work. These don't look like the actions of a man who is serious about marrying you.
Author Swimie Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 He did mention he was in debt (~60K) from medical bills and college. Which he is definitely working on. That was one of his top goals. Sure, its got my gears turning... This circumstance is speculation as to why he'd not willing to support me now. But other than that, no reason to drag his feet if I'm living there & gave him funds up front... He technically wouldnt be supporting me. Our conversations of marriage/children were....He'd work while I stayed at home with them.
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Well, then, have him pop over at his convenience, as he's the one who wants 'face to face'. Relationships are two-way streets. If it's important to him, he'll make the time. 1
Author Swimie Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 He called me tonight. He basically said that he'd think about it. He'd prefer that I wait til he's moved out of an apartment and into a house (speculated move--no later than June). There will be stipulations he brought up that I don't have an issue with. And I'm sure future things he needs to chew on will also be fine. His top concerns were that I'd have to take a touristy job. He also fears me moving in will change the relationship. (was one of my fears too)... A lessen concern was he wanted to make sure I wanted to live with HIM and im not just looking for just any ole' place to live. Which is truly not the case--I'd love to live with him in the future. Though, no urgency. At any rate, I'll see him in person in April for our mini-road trip. I'm just glad I got my idea in the pot & I'm glad he called me. He'll have some chewing to do..and I'm sure I will as well.
Black Jack Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 He called me tonight. He basically said that he'd think about it. He'd prefer that I wait til he's moved out of an apartment and into a house (speculated move--no later than June). There will be stipulations he brought up that I don't have an issue with. And I'm sure future things he needs to chew on will also be fine. His top concerns were that I'd have to take a touristy job. He also fears me moving in will change the relationship. (was one of my fears too)... A lessen concern was he wanted to make sure I wanted to live with HIM and im not just looking for just any ole' place to live. Which is truly not the case--I'd love to live with him in the future. Though, no urgency. At any rate, I'll see him in person in April for our mini-road trip. I'm just glad I got my idea in the pot & I'm glad he called me. He'll have some chewing to do..and I'm sure I will as well. Take it slow. In my opinion he may need some breathing room to take care of his business.
carhill Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Moving in will change your relationship; getting married will change your relationship; having children will change your relationship; living life will change your relationship. That's OK. If you're satisfied with this communication, and it sounds like you are, plenty of time to process between now and April. Out of curiosity, how did you meet? Is this the PhD in engineering guy?
Author Swimie Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I'm definitely satisfied with what he said. I left the ball in his court and only will let him bring it up if he has something else to mention. carhill- I had to look back to try and figure who you were speaking about... That PhD guy I met up with was a one-time-only date... Guess he wasnt much interested in me. (laugh). And my Bf, I met online a couple years ago, we had the same major and we ended up being friends. Now he's a nuclear engineer. I know my Bf's finances and I'm realistic in any of his concerns...in a couple years he'll have his debit tapered down. He's not ready to "support" someone...which I'm OK with and will love the situation and helping out in anyway possible. I'm willing to wait to see what he comes up with. Also very eager.
FitChick Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 he'd love to have me live there but I couldnt until I found a job there. I'll give him X amount of money (negotiable) upfront while i seek employment there. He probably wants to know what you will do if you don't find a job. Would you move back to where you are now? Long distance dating doesn't seem to bother him. It sounds like he'd rather focus on clearing his debts first, which is admirable, and faster to do if he only has to support himself. Then he can go into marriage with a clear conscience. Finances are extremely important these days and there is no such thing as job security any more so he probably wants to make sure he doesn't get caught short in the future should anything happen to his job. You sound like you just want to play house.
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