whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I posted recently in the Infidelity section and the majority of the responses indicated that I should get a divorce. So, I have decided to do that. I tried twice before, once in 2006 and once in 2008. In 2006 my wife told me that she didn't want a divorce and that she would make my life miserable if I tried to divorce her. In 2008 she played the sympathy card, that she couldn't live on her salary and begged me to stay until she could find a better job, which still hasn't happened. I don't like conflict, and I think the least painful way would be to find some way to convince her that she wants a divorce also. I don't think she's loved me for years, probably never did. However I make 3 times as much as she does, and in my opinion I'm just a meal ticket. She would deny that and says that she loves me very much. My having an affair is not an option, and physically abusing her is not an option. Both of those would probably work, but I want to find a different way. Any suggestions?
denise_xo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I haven't read your other thread, but if you want a divorce I think you just need to cut through the crap and say so. Get a lawyer to help you with the practicalities/ financial aspects and a friend to support you in the face of any emotional blackmail. 2
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 It's pretty easy, around here anyway. Download the initial filing form, fill it out, take it to the courthouse, have the self-help desk review it for proper form and walk ten feet, pay 395.00 and file it. The sheriff will serve the spouse at the location indicated. Done. The spouse isn't required to want anything.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 You guys are missing the point of my question. I know the steps if I want to file. However I want to have an uncontested, non-confrontational divorce. My intent is to get my wife to buy in on it. The question is how to get her to buy into it.
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 There is no 'how'. Either she's amicable, or she's not. If the former, 'uncontested'; if the latter, 'contested'. Since she's apparently not amicable, and likely has little respect for you based on a quick read of the other thread, then you have a decision to make. If you want professional help with this, I'd suggest consulting with an IC and working on your aversion to conflict. You can learn to care less and gain more power. Get started today.
denise_xo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 You guys are missing the point of my question. I know the steps if I want to file. However I want to have an uncontested, non-confrontational divorce. My intent is to get my wife to buy in on it. The question is how to get her to buy into it. I didn't miss the point. I was suggesting that the bold might not be your best way forward, since, according to your own description, she doesn't want what you want her to want. I agree with carhill on the care less and gain more power.
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 On second thought, for one example of 'how', watch 'War of the Roses'. Great flick. ExW hated it 'I'd never do that to you' 'Honey, you're not equipped to'
Eddie Edirol Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 If you dont want to pay alimony, then they only way to make her WANT a divorce is to introduce her to a man that she would want to want to divorce you for. You know, the only way to get rid of the curse is to pass it onto someone else? Dont count on it though. Might want to wait till may to see if you can catch her cheating on you so that you might not have to pay.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 If you dont want to pay alimony, then they only way to make her WANT a divorce is to introduce her to a man that she would want to want to divorce you for. I thought about that. Alimony is not a problem in our circumstances, all I'm trying to do is avoid conflict.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Any suggestions? Yes, just file for divorce on your own and let the chips fall where they may. It is not up to her to want the divorce. You are the one who wants it so do the work and get one. What is the problem with that solution?
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 You guys are missing the point of my question. I know the steps if I want to file. However I want to have an uncontested, non-confrontational divorce. My intent is to get my wife to buy in on it. The question is how to get her to buy into it. You or no one else can make a person feel a certain way. You are asking for the impossible and perhaps you know this and really don't want a divorce yourself.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I thought about that. Alimony is not a problem in our circumstances, all I'm trying to do is avoid conflict. If you want to avoid conflict with your wife move out and file for divorce, don't take her phone calls, emails or answer the door when she knocks.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Your passivity is not helping you have a good marriage or a fulfilling life. Take action on your own behalf to do what is best for you. 1
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Aren't you afraid your wife may be seeing the guy you two had the 3-some with behind your back? I thought you were going to wait until May when they made plans to see each other (without you) and hope to catch them in the act. Have you changed that plan now?
SoleMate Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 ...all I'm trying to do is avoid conflict... In some ways, your goal is a simple and understandable one. Conflict can be upsetting and scary, and conflict avoidance is generally a good thing. However, in the situation you're in, I do not think it is realistic to hope to orchestrate a conflict-free divorce. Few divorces are conflict-free, and definitely not when one party has made it clear she enjoys the comforts of the marriage and does not intend to give them up. People who want to divorce but also want it to be perfectly amicable and jointly desired and free of stress and pain, and are able to achieve that, should consider staying together, as they can obviously get along very well in challenging times. But 99.6% of the population cannot achieve this Zen-type divorce. So your situation has me wondering...why is avoiding conflict so important to you? Is it your overarching goal? Is it more important than being free of a marriage you otherwise want to end? Do you believe she truly has the power to "make [your] life miserable"? Do you understand the long odds against her changing her mind within your timeframe? Would you rather drift for another 5, 10, 15 or 20 years in an empty marriage (presuming that's what you now have)? Plenty of people do. Many people endure decades of distance and unhappiness in their marriages and then die of old age.
Prime Vera Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Offer her a lump sum of cash for an uncontested divorce. Seems money talks in your marriage. 1
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Aren't you afraid your wife may be seeing the guy you two had the 3-some with behind your back? I thought you were going to wait until May when they made plans to see each other (without you) and hope to catch them in the act. Have you changed that plan now? I realized that it won't make any difference in how I feel. If I could catch them in the act I would feel better about it, but I don't want to wait 2 or 3 months. It's very possible that she'll chicken out.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 why is avoiding conflict so important to you? Is it your overarching goal? Because I am a doormat. Throughout my life I have always attempted to avoid conflict. I know it's wrong. I attempted to get a divorce twice before and let her talk me out of it and I don't want it to happen again.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Okay. If alimony won't be a problem for you, and if her issue with divorcing is that she can't maintain her lifestyle on her own, financially - pay her off. Or, survive through the conflict. From what I've read of your posts, if you grew a real backbone, packed up some of your things and told her, "I am unhappy in this marriage; I need to divorce you. Goodbye," and then walked out the door - she would probably fall over in shock. If you stand firm, she won't be able to push you around by pushing all your buttons. It's your choice.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Would you rather drift for another 5, 10, 15 or 20 years in an empty marriage (presuming that's what you now have)? Plenty of people do. Many people endure decades of distance and unhappiness in their marriages and then die of old age. I guess that's what I was brought up to believe should happen. Marriage is a life-time commitment, and if you're unhappy, that's just the way it is. Fortunately I'm 67, so I don't have to wait as long to die of old age as some people do.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 From what I've read of your posts, if you grew a real backbone, packed up some of your things and told her, "I am unhappy in this marriage; I need to divorce you. Goodbye," and then walked out the door - she would probably fall over in shock. If you stand firm, she won't be able to push you around by pushing all your buttons. It's your choice. I just googled 'growing a backbone' and it's very interesting reading. Yes, that is one of my problems, and I really do need to grow one. I will read what I googled and attempt to start the growing process. Thanks. I already knew this, but pointing it out to me is one thing I needed.
Lexygirl Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I am going to chime in here. Listen very closely.. there is NO such thing as a completely smooth divorce. My ex and I just finally legally separated. Everything HAS been amicable BUT .. there have still been some bumps and it is still VERY painful for both of us. So what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do or don't do, there will be bumps and possibly conflict. It comes down to the fact that you are ready to move on and trust me... life doesn't stop and wait for you. It keeps going... you will start to get VERY frustrated soon with yourself and your situation. If you are 100% sure that it's over... bite the bullet and put the paperwork through. Don't wait for her to say that SHE is ready. She may never be. Hope this all makes sense and helps some. Also... you should go to IC for the conflict avoidance issues. It is NOT a healthy way to be in life. YOu CAN change that if you want to badly enough.
itsourchoice Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I guess that's what I was brought up to believe should happen. Marriage is a life-time commitment, and if you're unhappy, that's just the way it is. Fortunately I'm 67, so I don't have to wait as long to die of old age as some people do. You know, being 67 should make you want to move faster. If you are unhappy, why spend the rest of your life being unhappy? If you truly feel that you would be happier without her, and do not love her, get out. Not only are you making your own life better, but you are opening her life up to find love again also. I am 42, and my significant other is 49. We are in more of a hurry now to be happy together than we were sixteen years ago. Time flies. DON'T WASTE IT. But... if you decide to stay... make it WORTH IT! If you stay, fall in love with her again, and make her fall again too. No point in spending the rest of your life miserable. Good luck!!
carhill Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 OP, if you married a compatible partner today, you could easily enjoy another 15-20 years of happiness and love. Or you could enjoy one and die with a smile on your face. What's the difference between today and five years ago? You're five years older. Everything in between was/is a choice. You choose. You have that power and privilege until the undertaker comes.
imajerk Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Here are some options: 1. Go to some of the dating sites on your computer and look at women's pictures and make sure that you don't close them out so that your wife can see that you did it. Better yet, try to act sneaky about but have the screen open when she comes in. 2. Look at porn on the computer. Lots of women hate that. 3. Put her on a strict budget. 4. Tell her that she's getting fat and that she needs to start dieting. 5. Put her picture and profile on a dating site and try to find another man for her.
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