This is so important, I had to make a thread about it (for men)

March 7, 2012

Wish you could have made this post sooner during my break up. I probably could have saved alot of time and drama by just telling my ex that there should be no games if you want to end then this will be the last time im talking to you straight up from the beginning and give her a set date to decide before any irreparable damage can occur. I was always acting like im available and waiting for her after the break up, but when I decided to finally be a man and stick up thats when she wanted me back funny aint it? But then again it goes the same for her, many of the reasons I got back with her when we broke up was cause she begged for me back, but if she was strong and independent that would have worked as well :/. Can you guys comment on my latest threads? I want your guys opinion on my case

March 7, 2012

What's the point of this bravado? Relationships are between imperfect people and the one or two things that aren't right from the beginning usually are the things that end it. It's impossible to penetrate someone else's head when they've stacked the cards in their own favor that that's them entirely off the hook. Writing a letter may make some people feel like they closed the show on their terms. Why not just let them? It is their way of letting themselves off the hook whether it penetrates the other person's noggin or not.

The dominance and submission things is something else. That has to swing both ways in a good relationship. You can't have two dominants or two submissives or it won't work. The question is can you negotiate the swings and MAKE it work? Answer--not if one party shuts down, draws final negative conclusions and tends to obliterate what was good about the affair in the first place. Sometimes you can do everything right and still come out with a broken heart. We eat meat and it's a cruel world.

March 7, 2012

This whole thing about alpha vs. beta is simply outrageous. I am a confident, single guy. The end of my relationship hurt me badly because I loved her and I didn't want it to end, but since the breakup I have not made a single bit of contact. I have instead moved on with my life, invested my time and energy into myself, spent time dealing my negative emotions and learning what they meant and how to handle them. I have been spending time with someone new (and just letting things be what they'll be), and were my ex to call me right now promising the rest of her days to me, I'd say no. I don't do this to make me feel like an alpha male, I do these things because it allows me to be at peace with myself and to have a happier, better life.

Allowing your emotions to exceed the logic of the situation of a break-up is never a good idea, doesn't matter the gender or the sexual orientation. You will look and feel desperate; but, more importantly, you will damage your self-respect and ability to live happily within yourself. This applies to everybody and requires no stupid gender stereotyping.

Your argument also makes no sense. If what you're describing is advice only for post-breakup, it should have absolutely no effect on who dumps whom. Please, read what more lucid posters here have to say and stop trying to instill unfair and unnecessary gender stereotypes. What you're saying about the importance of no-contact is something basically everyone here agrees with, but the way you're framing it is wrong. The attitude about being an alpha male and wanting to "keep her wanting more" is stupid. If someone really treats me like a bank account of money, I don't want that person (now there's some confidence and self-determination for you).

I went back and read your first posts; it really seems like you're still hurting and bitter about being treated as you were. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you need to spend some time really dealing with your emotions and improving yourself, not attempting to live up to some made up stereotype of the alpha male.

March 7, 2012

I tend to agree with the OP. I wouldn't and didn't write an email/letter post BU to my Ex. Whats the point? It's like this "Ok, since you broke up with me, and i cant see you any more, i'm going to write you a email/letter to tell you how i really feel etc because i cant see or tell you in person" It's a real desparate plea that makes you look weak and needy.

If somebody breaks your heart, or treats you bad, then be a man. Accept it and move on with your life. It's their loss. If they come back, and regret their decision then cross that bridge, if that day comes, otherwise be strong. It's ok to cry, talk to your friends and after a while you move on with your life again.

There's a line between being a mature emotional man and and being an emotional tampon. Being a man is making your woman feel loved, secure, respected, honest and being strong for both of you. There is nothing wrong with being an emotional guy, as long as it doesn't cloud your judgement.

Being an emotional tampon, is a guy who spends his days moaning about the past, lifes struggles, blaming others for his unhappiness, his Ex's and reliving the breakup every day in his mind, and telling his story over and over and over again... Who wants that guy?

I find it really strange and sad that so many people spend an unhealthy amount of time here talking about trying to get back with their Ex's or figuring out what happened when that person didn't respect or cherish them, or just honestly they didnt want to be with them anymore! I have done it, analzed everything, and ended up back where i started, no better off. To be honest it doesn't help your healing.

Some people here are still talking about it after years. They never stop and and look around and say "Hey i dont deserve this, i'm tired of feeling this way the whole time. I'm going to find somebody NEW! who i can build a happy, healthty, strong loving relationship with"

There is other forums on LS which deal with other aspects of life besides breakup's and second chances. Check them out, they might help you.

March 7, 2012

If somebody breaks your heart, or treats you bad, then be a man. Accept it and move on with your life. It's their loss. If they come back, and regret their decision then cross that bridge, if that day comes, otherwise be strong. It's ok to cry, talk to your friends and after a while you move on with your life again.

There's a line between being a mature emotional man and and being an emotional tampon. Being a man is making your woman feel loved, secure, respected, honest and being strong for both of you. There is nothing wrong with being an emotional guy, as long as it doesn't cloud your judgement.

Being an emotional tampon, is a guy who spends his days moaning about the past, lifes struggles, blaming others for his unhappiness, his Ex's and reliving the breakup every day in his mind, and telling his story over and over and over again... Who wants that guy?

I agree with this... but it's precisely the polarization characterization that is dangerous. Alpha male vs beta male, etc.

Also, again, this has nothing to do with gender. The same advice applies to females, about dealing with the fallout of emotions post-breakup without hurting yourself further by whining to your ex and trying to win them back through fantastic promises... Going through the healing process, but eventually just moving on with life and realizing that, even after the end of a love affair, there is the same world with all its opportunities out there.

I just really don't want the image of a stoic alpha male being what some very upset men on here try to assume in order to recover. You have to live more in balance and self-actualize, not aspire to some simplistic analysis that Falcon provides.

March 8, 2012

Everyone who has posted her has a point.

I wrote my ex letters after she dumped me, she said she doesn't want the pathetic crying man I became after she dumped me. It was not attractive at all.

I thought showing emotion and being loving was enough but now I have force myself to act as if I don't care to create attraction?

If someone isn't attracted to you, then you shouldn't be with them.

If you wrote and letter and they liked it, you are meant to be together.

If you wrote a letter and they thought it was pathetic, you were never compatible.

I truly believe it's as simple as that.

March 8, 2012

you know i was thinking about this and Falcon is partly right. People want what they cant have.

Yes, this is true. I am on a diet, and I cannot have any cake today. But, I really really want some. Point proven.

March 8, 2012

Originally Posted by Senateguy

Women do not like weakness. They are repulsed by it. Men are the opposite, they like to comfort, they like to provide, to reassure. Women do not. They want to look up to their man as as symbol of strength and the captain of the ship. When you emote, you are not a beacon of strength. And once she sees chinks in your armor she will come after you in a subconscious way. That's what women do.

Hm. Seems that you have absolutely everything figured out according to gender, and according to you there are exactly two ways of behaving. The man way, and the woman way. What is it that intersexed and transgendered people do?

By the way, I like to be the captain of my own ship. Maybe I should have a sex change?

March 8, 2012

I agree with Falcon to a certain degree.

Women want us as an alpha male.

Then they try to change us into something else.

Then they leave because we are now not the guy they fell in love with.

With some women you cant win. And yes, not all women are like this but the good majority of them are. Especially the ones with low self esteem.

After my divorce I was told by a female friend that I was a beta male and that is why we were only ever going to be friends and nothing more. That was a wake up call for me.

I also did all the wrong things when my XW divorced me. And yes I also wrote a letter. My letter was a work of art. But guess what...she never read it. Or at least that's what she told me.

Looking back, I wish I took Falcon's advice.

About six months ago my GF went back to her estranged husband after I caught her messing around with him. I went into Alpha mode and kicked her out of my house. Seems he saw me as a threat and decided to lie to her to hold on to her on the side (he had a GF at the time as well).

Two weeks later she comes back to me because he cheated on her again.

I took her back and told her she needed to earn my trust.

I had to take similar drastic action with an ex FB of hers that was chatting with her behind his wife's back. I called him on his BS and threatened to tell his wife and he dissapeared back into the woodwork with the other cockroaches.

You have to be an alpha if you are going to survive now days. But being an alpha does not mean being a a-hole. It means respecting yourself enough not to be anyones doormat or tampon. It's as simple as that.

Too many people here automatically equate being an alpha with being an emotionaly crippled a-hole. That is NOT what an alpha is, even though some weaker women think they are one in the same.

But I digress. Falcon is still mostly right. I have some female friends that always go for the total a-hole losers because they are attracted to that or they simply cant get enough attention or drama in their lives.

March 8, 2012

The bottom line is, you can't create affection in someone who has lost it for you. You should never have to beg someone to love you; that's no way to keep your dignity, and you're just hurting yourself even more.

I think this is a lesson everyone has to learn from experience. Everyone has at least one humiliating post-breakup story, some have many, so don't feel too badly if you've done something embarrassing in a moment of grief. Just make sure to learn from it.

I still firmly stand by my belief that one should always be truthful though. You loved and respected your partner once, so show some respect to the ex-partner and tell her the truth. If you need to initiate strict NC because seeing her updates on Facebook is driving you nuts, tell her why; it's OK for her to know you still love her and that you're hurting. But then stick to your guns and move on.

Don't repeatedly call her to bitch and moan. And certainly don't play mind games like trying to create jealousy in hopes that she will come back - that's underhanded and certainly is not moving on.

Edited March 8, 2012 by GuitarDean
.

March 8, 2012

Dudes, you aren't "being Alpha." Sorry.

Look out for yourselves and don't be afraid to be vulnerable and to express yourselves. If you have something to communicate, do it. Do it from a position of strength, and because you want to communicate that - NOT to try to influence another person.

What do you care what a woman who you're no longer with thinks of you. Take care of yourselves. That includes striving for emotional health. Women like men who are emotionally healthy and who are able to communicate what is going on with them.

Posturing like an "Alpha" is … posturing. Very weak posturing.

March 8, 2012

This has nothing to do with Alpha. There are men, and there are men who act emotional (like women). If you listen to me and act like a man (unemotional, after someone dumps you), you will WIN. Or, you can listen to women, and emotional men on here and keep getting dumped.

By the way, YOU STAND ZERO CHANCE OF GETTING YOUR EX BACK if you act emotional post break up.

Peace.........

March 8, 2012

Why are you so hung up on winning back the ex? I don't want my exes back. Don't you get it? Moving on is about moving on, not winning someone back.

March 8, 2012

Why are you so hung up on winning back the ex? I don't want my exes back. Don't you get it? Moving on is about moving on, not winning someone back.

Because if you act like this, your next girlfriend, will be your next ex girlfriend. It will continue, on and on..................

Unless, you change your ways, and your thinking. Start understanding what women want and are attracted to.

March 8, 2012

This has nothing to do with Alpha. There are men, and there are men who act emotional (like women). If you listen to me and act like a man (unemotional, after someone dumps you), you will WIN. Or, you can listen to women, and emotional men on here and keep getting dumped.

By the way, YOU STAND ZERO CHANCE OF GETTING YOUR EX BACK if you act emotional post break up.

Peace.........

Do you sell used womens underwear on craigslist as your day job because your fortune telling skills are way off.

My dad was an emotional ******* when my mom left, she came back. There are zillions of posts between here and another breakup forum where ex's came back after being rock solid and after being emotional waterfalls

There is no right or wrong way to a breakup, everyone is different

You are just hurt and bitter and trying to cover it up by projecting a clint eastwood persona.

The sooner you admit the truth to yourself and be the person you are instead of pretending to be something you are not, the easier it is to accept who you are and move forward with your life

March 8, 2012

This whole thing about alpha vs. beta is simply outrageous. I am a confident' date=' single guy.[/quote']

And you're a beta all the same. You go ahead and play touchy, feely, sensitive dude all you want and be that guy friend that they complain to...... while I'm getting the booty and treat them like dirt.

March 8, 2012

Everything you write is very true. You cant emote to women. You throw an "I love you" in every once in a while, but you do not emote. You are the rock. You are the oak tree. You don't bend to the wind.

I've learned this the hard way. Women valule that which is hard to obtain and that which other people want. When you give away the store, they don't want it. I didn't make the laws of attraction, that's just how they work.

Sucks. My heart is broken over the chick that ditched me. Chick treated me like crap, but not in the beginning when i was a challenge. She BEGGED me to be her boyfriend. I started to emote. Started to get insecure. It went straight into the toilet.

Women do not like weakness. They are repulsed by it. Men are the opposite, they like to comfort, they like to provide, to reassure. Women do not. They want to look up to their man as as symbol of strength and the captain of the ship. When you emote, you are not a beacon of strength. And once she sees chinks in your armor she will come after you in a subconscious way. That's what women do.

Instead of seeing men one way and women another, how about we all choose equality. We are shaped by values and attitudes deeply embedded as children, from being fed Cinderella as a little girl to GI Joe as a little boy. The good thing as that we can all look within and change our value system.

"When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change."

To see the opposite sex as an equal is empowering. To beleive that they feel and experience emotions in exactly the same way promotes healthy relationships. I strongly beleive that a large part of relationship failure is the inability to see your partner as a true equal at a deep internal level.

I have many female friends that are the "rock" stone cold... and many male friends that shed tears easily.

Each person is an individual - sexuality and gender has nothing to do with how they express themselves, how they behave, etc.

Look inside, forget the stereotypes - these are always wrong about people, regardless of the subject be it race, religion, politics, etc.

March 8, 2012

And you're a beta all the same. You go ahead and play touchy, feely, sensitive dude all you want and be that guy friend that they complain to...... while I'm getting the booty and treat them like dirt.

I'm not here to get into some dick measuring contest. You don't know me at all. Also, if you're going to treat girls like dirt willingly, then you're just a bad person; you're also gonna be getting the booty of girls who don't respect themselves enough to get away from you.

Ultimate sign of what a big man you are? You insult me through an anonymous internet forum for interpersonal relationship advice when I've never addressed you before.

The reason why you are Beta man, is because of your father. You carry his beta genes..........Do you understand why you struggle now?

This has no basis in science, sorry.

Falcon25, you're here for the same reason everyone else is. You had someone disappear out of your life and it hurt. You came here for answers. You and the others here who you are insulting other guys, calling them "betas," making broad generalizations, etc... you guys are just hiding the real pain that you feel under this really silly posturing. It will work for a while, but burying your pain inside yourself will not last forever. It will find its way out. You may become abusive in your next relationship (and with some of your attitudes, you seem to intend on it). You may keep it up for a while, but you have to own up to the feelings you have.

Before you keep repeating the same point over and over and over, I am NOT advising that you tell these feelings to your ex after the breakup. I chose not to speak to my ex since the breakup; she has not come back in tears saying she regrets it, and I don't want her to nor expect her to. Your advice is nonsense. Each situation is different. The reason you should cut all ties and let your emotions out elsewhere is because staying in contact with the person will hamper your healing process. It has nothing to do with some wolf-like theory of males. Each and every person, regardless of gender, should strive to deal with their negative emotions in a way that allows them to regain the confidence in themselves to lead a strong-willed, fulfilling life. This WILL make them more attractive, yes, because no one is looking for someone still weeping over their lost love.

Your strange obsession with getting your ex back through this alpha male attitude tells me that you're desperately trying to puff out your chest, hid your tears, all in the hopes that she'll be back and you'll be in control again. Sadly, by putting so much energy into a ploy that you think will make her come back to you, you are only setting yourself up for a very, very painful process. I really hope you see this and change your mind. You need to stop doing NC for her, and start moving on with your life without some stereotyped pretense about yourself.

I'm done with this conversation. I've said all I can to you.

Edited March 8, 2012 by jus d'orange

March 8, 2012

Orange,

I know mine is not coming back. I know she's gone forever. I have accepted that. This thread is not to get your ex back, it's so that you have the best chance if she does, and best chance to keep what you have.

Mine is gone, I'm not stupid. It's over. She loved another man. Her ex of 7 years. I'm beginning to not even want her back. That wasn't the point of this thread. You need to sharpen your reading comprehension skills.

March 8, 2012

They want to look up to their man as as symbol of strength and the captain of the ship. When you emote, you are not a beacon of strength. And once she sees chinks in your armor she will come after you in a subconscious way. That's what women do.

Quoted for truth. Some women will deny this, but it is an unconscious product of natural selection.

March 8, 2012

Haha, I just saw this thread. I'm honored to be the letter-writing hombre who inspired the topic.

I support whoever wrote earlier that everyone here has a point. Falcon25, despite his tendency to repeat himself and use allcaps, does have a point, but so do the women and other guys who say it's okay to be emotional sometimes.

What no one here has said, though, is the only thing that matters: at all times you need to happily, confidently believe in yourself and the choices you make. You need to do the things you do because you believe they're right, because they fit your moral code and the way you see life, and if you continue to do things that fit your own code, whatever happens next doesn't matter.

Being the letter-writing guy, I had an LDR with a girl for the last six months. It was awesome. We almost told each other we loved one another. Passionate, Whatsapp messages all day, every time we saw each other she'd cry when I left. Fantastic. And I committed to her. I believed in us. I picked up a great job in her city, and thought "whoa... new city, new job, girl there... life is good". I was happy.

Turned out the job was delayed into February and I stayed in rural Canada for eight weeks, but I kept in touch with her, kept telling her how excited I was to see her soon, sent the occasional gift, all good. I was happy with "us". Was I insane about her? Hell no. Just a good, caring boyfriend.

So I get here to the new city and she breaks up with me four days later. Maybe ex issues, maybe she smelled my insecurity about the move, maybe she's just nuts, who knows. I was so ****ing sad. I'd built this thing up in my head. We met for coffee and she said her feelings were just gone and she had to get them back before we could try it again. I couldn't help tears but told her people can't help what they feel, I support it, go solve your own problems, and walked away.

For the next two weeks I was so down on myself. "What did I do?!" What's wrong with me?!" I started posting on multiple internet message boards (cough) looking for answers. I heard countless Falcon25's telling me to stop being "beta" and countless girls saying "just be patient and show her you love her and if it's meant to be she'll come back".

But here's the only thing in the end that matters: I didn't do anything wrong. Looking back at the LDR and the time after, I would do it all again, because every action I took, every word I said, was according to my own personal code, my own personality, and while I have plenty of issues, I've been through enough sh|t to know I'm better than most, not as good as some.

And since enough time has passed that I've calmed down and started to get the "whyyyyyy"s out of my system, I'm able to look back calmly and say "Hey. This is all her. For whatever effing reason she wanted out of a good thing, and that's on her. You keep doing what you're doing, life will be good. It always is."

I'm not going to lose my code, I'm not going to go nuts to win back a girl who's blind to good things, I'm not going to beat myself up when I didn't do anything wrong. If I'd cheated or hurt her physically or emotionally or been overly withdrawn or pointlessly clingy, sure, I could tear myself a new a-hole every day. But I did none of those things, so screw it.

Sure, I wrote her a letter, but I'm okay with that. It said what I needed to say, namely: "Hey, you're great and my feelings were real, and I appreciate your attempt to see if I want to get back together, but for that to ever happen you'd have to really think over these things". And that's just true. She would. Again, it meets my code, so I'm cool with it.

You learn from every one of these things, and what I learned was: I did nothing wrong, so oh well. Sh|t happens and you move on.

Edited March 8, 2012 by ChrisMac

March 8, 2012

Ultimate sign of what a big man you are? You insult me through an anonymous internet forum for interpersonal relationship advice when I've never addressed you before.

.

Didn't mean to insult you bro..I thought you were the touchy, feely, beta type and proud of it. I'm just stating my perspective on my past relationships...chill.

March 8, 2012

Instead of seeing men one way and women another, how about we all choose equality. We are shaped by values and attitudes deeply embedded as children, from being fed Cinderella as a little girl to GI Joe as a little boy. The good thing as that we can all look within and change our value system.

"When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change."

.

Sorry, I don't agree. There is gender in our world, and one is physically stronger and dominates that world. That is biology..we didn't choose it. I don't agree with the social engineering experiment that the world is forcing down everyone's throat. I have a Cinderella daughter and a GI Joe son, and I take issue with the implication that there is something wrong with that.

Edited March 8, 2012 by standtall

March 8, 2012

Ok if you are to read my OP you will see the history. My ex's Birthday is tomorrow and I have been NC for the last Week. I do want to get her back and she never shut the door to it. I'm not waiting for it to happen. So Would I be a beta male if I broke NC and just wished her just a simple Happy birthday and nothing more? I have always thought of my self as alpha in situations when I needed to be this is why I have never begged or cried to her to come back and I told her I never will!!

March 8, 2012

badabing...do not contact her even to wish her a happy birthday. Your silence will speak more to her that the sentence "Happy Birthday". In general I didn't even take note of girlfriend's birthdays while I dated them until they complained...let alone broken up.

Sign In

This is so important, I had to make a thread about it (for men)

Recommended Posts

xztjohn

Feelin Frisky

jus d'orange

GaelicSoul

jus d'orange

ThatDudeXO

Mme. Chaucer

Mme. Chaucer

g450

GuitarDean

Mme. Chaucer

Falcon25

GuitarDean

Falcon25

wilsonx

standtall

sweetheart5381

jus d'orange

Falcon25

rAFC

ChrisMac

standtall

standtall

badabing

standtall

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...