GuitarDean Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) I'm in my mid-20s, and recently ended a pretty serious relationship of about a year. We were steadily drifting apart, but she did the breaking up. Of course it hurt to know she no longer wanted to be with me, however I agreed with her decision, and it was an amicable breakup with no bitterness or drama. So we both agreed to stay friends. In fact, she was the first to ask for us to be friends. We gave each other a few weeks time apart, then I started to talk to her again to rebuild the friendship. However the talking seemed completely forced on her part - we'd chat, but she'd just give me short generic responses, didn't show any real interest. I told her I missed her company, and that I wanted us to hang out again; she gave me the words that yes she wanted to, but never followed through. Her entire attitude said "I don't really want you as a friend." For weeks I felt like I was repeatedly getting hurt all over again, so I had put an end to it. I sent her a goodbye message (yes it was on Facebook, but that was the only way we were keeping in touch) and explained that I wanted a real friendship and she wasn't reciprocating, and that I'm not going to keep trying because I was constantly getting disappointed, feeling rejected, and basically driving myself nuts. Of course the letter was emotional, but it was reasoned and planned, not an impulsive rant. I know what I did was right. I asked if she wanted to say anything back before we formally cut all ties. She didn't say anything directly to me, instead she made a public status update that basically called me an a-hole for "chewing her up" in my letter, which angered me a lot because I was genuinely trying to express how I felt. And before I even unfriended her on Facebook, she had deleted her entire account! She then proceeded to make a new profile and restart her online life from scratch and block me to ensure I can't find her again. I only know this last part because of a mutual acquaintance. I'm just bewildered at why my decision to end contact would cause such a response? Doesn't make any sense - I'm doing the exact opposite of stalking. So was it just a final "F you" to undermine my decision to end the friendship? Does she really hate me that much? And why ask to be my friend and then act like this? I know these answers shouldn't matter at this point, yet I keep trying to analyze what happened. What the hell happened? Edited March 7, 2012 by GuitarDean Typo
wilsonx Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 You did not do anything wrong... shes off in gigs land... Keep chugging forward and ignore everything that the ego girl spews out
Stncldgent Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 The wanting to remain friends was only to benefit her, She found someone long before you split. Remaining friends was her way of keeping you around if the new guy didn't work out. Her short responses and general don't care attitude in an effort to keep you at arms length so that she could try to rid herself of any of the remaining feels she might have for you.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) Arghhhhh another letter written by a man. Listen man, when someone breaks up with you, you can't become friends with them. GET OUT. Let her pursue you. Get out man. Let her miss you. Move on to other women. The strongest emotion that a woman has is JEALOUSY. Use it, see other women. The letter was a HUGE mistake........ Edited March 7, 2012 by Falcon25 d
standtall Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 A lot of male posters here are "doormat" men..... beta types. That makes sense as most alpha men are not posting to touchy, feely chick forums....they don't care what people/women think...they take and control what they want.
radiodarcy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I'm in my mid-20s, and recently ended a pretty serious relationship of about a year. We were steadily drifting apart, but she did the breaking up. Of course it hurt to know she no longer wanted to be with me, however I agreed with her decision, and it was an amicable breakup with no bitterness or drama. So we both agreed to stay friends. In fact, she was the first to ask for us to be friends. We gave each other a few weeks time apart, then I started to talk to her again to rebuild the friendship. However the talking seemed completely forced on her part - we'd chat, but she'd just give me short generic responses, didn't show any real interest. I told her I missed her company, and that I wanted us to hang out again; she gave me the words that yes she wanted to, but never followed through. Her entire attitude said "I don't really want you as a friend." For weeks I felt like I was repeatedly getting hurt all over again, so I had put an end to it. I sent her a goodbye message (yes it was on Facebook, but that was the only way we were keeping in touch) and explained that I wanted a real friendship and she wasn't reciprocating, and that I'm not going to keep trying because I was constantly getting disappointed, feeling rejected, and basically driving myself nuts. Of course the letter was emotional, but it was reasoned and planned, not an impulsive rant. I know what I did was right. I asked if she wanted to say anything back before we formally cut all ties. She didn't say anything directly to me, instead she made a public status update that basically called me an a-hole for "chewing her up" in my letter, which angered me a lot because I was genuinely trying to express how I felt. And before I even unfriended her on Facebook, she had deleted her entire account! She then proceeded to make a new profile and restart her online life from scratch and block me to ensure I can't find her again. I only know this last part because of a mutual acquaintance. I'm just bewildered at why my decision to end contact would cause such a response? Doesn't make any sense - I'm doing the exact opposite of stalking. So was it just a final "F you" to undermine my decision to end the friendship? Does she really hate me that much? And why ask to be my friend and then act like this? I know these answers shouldn't matter at this point, yet I keep trying to analyze what happened. What the hell happened? it's never a good idea to be friends with an ex after a break up -- no matter what they say. i went the exact same route; i tried being friends with my ex after he dumped me. he too said he wanted to be friends but never treated me as one. so i wrote him an email telling him the same stuff you told your ex and sure enough he exploded on me and told me to f**k off. soo i did. basically we pissed off our exes because we ruined their moment to be the long suffering, good samaritan by keeping us in their lives when they really didn't want us there. but didn't want to look like the bad guy/girl by saying as much. no need to indulge her ego anymore. just do yourself a favor, preserve your dignity and stick to NC. it's not about being a man or a woman - - i'm a girl - - a guy did this to me as well. it's just about moving forward, experiencing the pain and learning from it. but yes - - in the future don't send anymore emails to her or anyone else. it's fine if you want to write out your feelings - - either here or in a journal - -but if someone isn't willing to show you all their cards - - then don't give them the benefit of letting them seeing yours. and walk before you get too emotionally involved. 1
69ways Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I learned one thing: When the ex asks you to be friends, its like the kidnapper asks you to maintain contact after letting you go.....
Author GuitarDean Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 basically we pissed off our exes because we ruined their moment to be the long suffering, good samaritan by keeping us in their lives when they really didn't want us there. but didn't want to look like the bad guy/girl by saying as much. no need to indulge her ego anymore. just do yourself a favor, preserve your dignity and stick to NC. (...) it's just about moving forward, experiencing the pain and learning from it. Completely agree with this. She basically posted something about being made out to be the bad guy, etc. I've spent too many weeks putting her on a pedestal and pining for the good times that will never happen again, not with her anyways. If she doesn't give a **** about me, there's no reason to ever give a **** about her again. I have no plans to ever contact to her again. And yes, I've definitely learned a lot from this experience. From here it's just about applying the lessons learned to the next time I fall in love.
Chi townD Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Sometimes our Ex's gives us the "I hope we can still be friends" speech to ease their guilt on pulling the trigger and ending the relationship. Just a way to make it feel mutual, but they don't really mean it. Kinda like if you saw someone, you haven't seen in a while and you say," Hey, keep in touch, we'll do lunch." You don't really mean it.
Author GuitarDean Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 More random thoughts: This has been particularly hard on me because I moved to a new city across the country for my job and knew no body. Her and I met and went on a couple of dates when I first visited the city, and then when I formally moved here 2 months later, we jumped into a relationship immediately. I never bothered to build up a network of friends here because I was perfectly content to have only her. Going from having all the interpersonal interaction I wanted to none at all, with no possibility of having any deep ones in the near future because it has to be built from scratch, that was difficult to handle. Not that that's a good reason for becoming desperate for her friendship, because there's never a good reason for that; but I do think I would've handled things better if I were in my home city and not isolated from all my friends and family. Anyway, I've been getting out and making new friends, so that helps a lot. I still miss her. But the bottom line, like I just said, is if she no longer wants me anymore, then there's nothing to do but to accept it and find someone who does want me. Now, to go from knowing all this to truly believing in it and truly moving on... I guess that still takes some time.
standtall Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Says the guy with 164 posts... Says the man that obviously does not wear the pants based on reading just 5 of his 80 posts. Now that we went quid pro quo, was there a point to your response?
sweetheart5381 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Sometimes our Ex's gives us the "I hope we can still be friends" speech to ease their guilt on pulling the trigger and ending the relationship. Just a way to make it feel mutual, but they don't really mean it. Kinda like if you saw someone, you haven't seen in a while and you say," Hey, keep in touch, we'll do lunch." You don't really mean it. Yes, that's the truth. My ex dumped me, didnt have a reason really, just that he wanted to be alone for awhile and wanted space, aka another woman was on the radar in hindsight. He ended it stating that I didn't give him space (because I was trying to rationalize the breakup and it didnt make sense to me). After he broke up with me, very angrily he told me a week later that he wanted to be "friends" and blamed me for causing him to end the relationship because I contacted him when I wasn't supposed to. After his little "wanna be friends" speech he insulted me telling me my feelings were "laughable" etc. Needless to say his so-called friendship desire was out of guilt for stringing me along knowing he wanted nothing more than to be sexual partner. I told him "**** you, dont need your friendship" and have never contacted him again. Friendship is never good thing after a break-up - perhaps a cordial relationship, but never true friendship.
k100danny Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I think the lets stay friends quote can mean two things. 1, they arent ready to break full contact and haven't come to terms with the break up themselves yet so they haven't processed it fully although they know it's over and 2 to ease the guilt. I tried to stay friends with an ex once and it really does not work, if you did have a friendship before being together then you may be able to have one in the future. When i broke up with my ex we tried to stay friends, it got heated we argued and it got pretty nasty, you can't be friends until you have no motive other than actually wanting to be a friend, we didn't speak for around 5 months and we had both moved on when we finally did, we are now good friends again with no motives about relationships (she is in one with someone i know and im happy and ive just broken up with my current/ex) wait until feelings are gone to see if you actually want to be friends that is always the best way.
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