TheSingleGuy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 "As was mentioned, I do think I've been friend-zoned" Yes, you THINK you've been friend-zoned, but you don't KNOW. As a guy, trust me when I say, we're dumb. Being good with women is not something we're born with. There might be a few guys who are naturally good with women, but for most of us, being good with women doesn't come naturally. I can't tell you how many women I've blown it with over the last five years by playing it too cool. I've routinely gone 3, 5, 8 days without communicating with them, even though I was massively interested. Then she would blow me off and I couldn't understand why. What did I do wrong? I had no idea. I was afraid that by showing too much interest too soon, I'd turn her off. I'd somehow get labeled needy or clingy or desperate. That could be this guy's problem too.
salparadise Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 To start with, be realistic about what you really want–– you don't want him to quite writing, you want him to be into you and conform to the communication pattern that you have in mind. You want him to pursue and are frustrated that you can't get him to. By being passive and somewhat aloof, yet continuing to give you little bits of what you want, he is controlling in a way that frustrates you. What you really want is for him to, as the saying goes, fish or cut bait. So my suggestion is to simply communicate that to him. Just tell him that you like him and are interested in dating him but that you can't handle the standoffishness, lack of enthusiasm, and that the situation needs to go in one direction or the other. I actually don't hold out much hope that he's going to end up being what you really want––even if he were to say, let's date, he'll probably still not show the intensity that you hope for. But you have nothing to loose by communicating that to him. If he wants to date then you'll have to figure out pretty quickly if he will do so enthusiastically or if he will end up being a continual frustration, forever leaving you wanting something he can't give. I think you're right in not jumping into bed with him right away. If you want a relationship and he's just wanting to keep it casual with benefits, then you will be all the more frustrated, even resentful, if you start taking care of his needs without him taking care of yours. Getting into bed with him will intensify your feelings and generate certain expectations within you, but he won't necessarily see it that way. So that that part slow––that is, unless you really want to get physical regardless of what transpires, and won't regret if it doesn't work out. You really have nothing to loose by just letting him know exactly how you feel. I guess this approach assumes that he has the integrity to be authentic and not pretend to give you what you want just to get sex.
veggirl Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 WHAT is with all the emailing? Do you guys not have phones? Ask him out for a specific date. A maybe or a no with no specific reschedule will tell you all you need to know.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 You say you know he is "not that into you" and that you have been friend zoned by him but yet he keeps writing you these nice emails. What do you mean by nice emails? What kinds of things is he emailing? Is he carrying on a conversation with you, giving you an update of what is going on in his life or is he actually asking you out?
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Isn't it amazing how people sabotage their relationships out of fear?
Author ja123 Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Thank you, Thank you, Thank you ... SingleGuy, Heart of a Lion, FitChick, veggirl, stillafor, salparadise, and everyone who wrote. I read what you wrote while I was at work. Then, I read it again when I got home. And I was feeling terrible and nervous, and everything, but you are right I have had a hand in this, I have been sabotaging it, I have jumped to conclusions and who knows like some of you said, perhaps he was feeling friend-zoned ..... So, I decided to to not email (I thought that's how everyone does things these days!), but to call! He answered and I asked if this was Mike's Pizza Palour!!! We both ended up laughing! We recapped what we'd each been doing, and chatted a bit about current news events and I made a joke about going to live in the woods to get away from it all. Anyhow, I just said, "Yeah, I was thinking about going to see a movie on Saturday and I wondered if you might be free!" He said yes he was and that for sure he'd like go with me. Wow!!!!! Honestly, I have no idea where this is going ... that uncertainty, and the fact that I've been beyond hurt in the past has affected how I now behave with men. I'm terrified ... but someone here said I couldn't experience deep intimacy again without feeling vulnerable. I'm still terrified ... Anyhow, I told him I was going now watch a movie that he'd given me, and he was very excited that I was going to watch it, and he asked me to call him back tonight after I've seen it to discuss it with him. Thank you, LoveShackers!!!! Sometimes we have to be given a boot in the butt, don't we?!!! I'm feeling the love. Thanks again!!!!!!! 1
TheSingleGuy Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I'm really glad to hear that, ja123. And reading your female thought process on all of this has helped me immensely. Glad you posted this.
veggirl Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 :bunny: Nice job! So glad you called rather than emailed! Have fun on your date
Author ja123 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 I'm really glad to hear that, ja123. And reading your female thought process on all of this has helped me immensely. Glad you posted this. Thank you, SingleGuy! Your posts really helped me to get a man's perspective, too! And you shook me up! I'm sending you some good karma!
Author ja123 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 :bunny: Nice job! So glad you called rather than emailed! Have fun on your date Thank you, veggirl! I hadn't realized how much the emailing/texting thing really contributed to my feeling alienated. Your straightfowardness really gave me a much needed wakeup call!
Author ja123 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Don't forget to post pictures of the two of you together all happy and smiling! Thanks! Well, it's early days yet! But, yes, I hope there'll be happiness and smiles! I'm learning, I'm growing ... and, hey, after four years ... maybe I'm ready to open my heart again ... even if that means I risk getting hurt. Thank you LoveShackers for your feedback, advice and support. It means so much to me that all of you are there and that this forum exists. Even when I'm reading and responding to someone ... I don't know how to say it ... it feels as though you're my extended family.
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