ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) There is a guy on my scene, yet it’s clear to me that he’s not that into me. However, he continues to write nice emails to me. This is beyond frustrating because every time I think I can move on, “boom”, there’s an email which gets me kind of hoping again. My question to you, LoveShackers, is how can I get him to stop writing and still seem like a classy broad? These are some ideas: - I could just not write back to him; (that seems uncool) - I could lie and say I’ve met someone else; (that might be hurtful) - I could tell him that I sense his lack of interest, so I’m moving on; (I don’t want to give this dude more power than he already has!) - If he happens to want to know what I’m doing this weekend, then I could tell him about the great event I’ll be attending (it’s something that would really interest him!), then just not invite him. (Am I a b*tch or wha???) Any thoughts??? Edited March 7, 2012 by ja123
The_Joker Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I like the third one, you sense his lack of interest and that you're moving on. It's straightforward, to the point, because you know yourself, you are willing to move on and lets him know too! Why is he sending you these e-mails? Is he trying to keep you around, just in case or something like that? Trying to be friendly, I don't know, in this type of situation, I would say just let him know that you sense he's not interested, you're moving on type of deal would be a good way to approach it. And best case scenario, that makes him more into you
Yookie Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 He continues to write because he wants the attention. Mark his email as spam and just move on. No need to prove you're classy to this one. He really doesn't care as long as he gets the ego stroke.
veggirl Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Why don't you just tell him "I'm not interested, please stop emailing me" ?
TheSingleGuy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Yes, third choice. Tell him why. For all you know, he may be thinking he'll smother you if he tries to show you more attention or something. Communication is very cool. Going radio silence is rude, mean, classless and doesn't help him at all. If he is stringing you along for a never-ending ego boost and he isn't into you, going with choice 3 will let him know that you have feelings too and make him think about how he's behaving.
TheSingleGuy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 ++++Why don't you just tell him "I'm not interested, please stop emailing me" ++++ That would be a lie because she does have some feelings for him, otherwise she wouldn't be posting on here about it. Plus, this is very hurtful. It leaves him wondering why. This gives him absolutely no clue as to what he can do better with someone else in the future. He'll probably assume he wasn't good looking enough or something completely way off base.
veggirl Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 ++++Why don't you just tell him "I'm not interested, please stop emailing me" ++++ That would be a lie because she does have some feelings for him, otherwise she wouldn't be posting on here about it. Plus, this is very hurtful. It leaves him wondering why. This gives him absolutely no clue as to what he can do better with someone else in the future. He'll probably assume he wasn't good looking enough or something completely way off base. But she's NOT interested in what he is offering her. She said he is clearly not interested in her. She doesn't owe his feelings anything. It's not her job to fix him for the future. the problem is HIM, he isn't interested! He probably won't even care!
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Joker - the third approach is the truth, after all; but, like I said I don't want him to know that as it implies that I've been hurt. And, yes, I've been hurt. I feel a combination of confusion, frustration, resentment, anger, and more than anything ... sadness. Yookie - I'm not used to not writing someone back, I usually like to clear the air; but, yes, not writing back is an option. I feel if I were to clear the air with this guy it'll just come off as I've got sour grapes or am PMSing or something. What does my vengeful side say? To choose the fourth option. Why? Pros: It shows him that I'm out having a good time. He will possibly try to get himself invited, in which case I'll only have 'seen' the email after said event. "Sorry, Dude, too late!" Cons: Hmmmmmmmmmm I can't think of any!
TheSingleGuy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Veggirl, I completely disagree with everything you said. 100% disagree. Did it ever occur to either of you that just maybe the guy is interested but he's shy? Maybe he feels that he blew with other girls in the past, and because they didn't communicate why they blew him off, maybe he incorrectly assumed he pursued them too aggressively. So now he's going real slow with ja123, trying to play it cool, and she's reading that he's not that into her. Trust me, I've been blown off by some women in the past that I was extremely interested in and I am just now starting to think I might have figured out why... I was showing too little interest. 1
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Why don't you just tell him "I'm not interested, please stop emailing me" ? But I am interested, the times we've been together albeit few, we've had a real connection. The second time, we went to a great film, had a long and intense conversation afterwards at a cozy cafe ... we talked about philosophy and psychology ... and he said how much he loves talking to me ... we closed the cafe then went dancing!!! Then ate cheap hot dogs as we had closed the bar, too! Then, we were near his place, he took me by the shoulders, and looked into my eyes and said he really wanted me to come with him. It was a work night and I told him I had to get some sleep. "Please, please," he said, "I will let you sleep." {yeah, right!} So, I said that I really couldn't and then grabbed a cab. We kissed on the lips. The third and last time, it was still wonderful. We had dinner, then there was quite a bit of time to wait for the movie. So, I suggested the arcade, and we had a blast, then we went for a beer and caught some hockey, then we went to the film. I was cold and he offered me his coat, but instead I raised the armrest and he put his arm around me and I lay my head on his shoulder. When I whispered how much I was enjoying the film he smiled and kissed my head. It was wonderful. Then after the film, which was completely mesmerizing, we were silent with just goofy smiles on our faces. Yet, there was nothing awkward about the slience. It was almost as though we'd smoked a joint! I can't tell you how I long to find someone with whom I can talk intensely, yet can exist side-by-side in silence! And someone to be playful and goofy with, too! And, oh yeah, he invited me to his place to which I responded with a smile,"I will say yes, just not tonight." And we kissed and he looked back to smile and wave. I really had my hopes up. I sent a lovely email the next day, OK it was midnight ... and it took him three days to respond. I just figured he wanted to avoid Valentine's Day, as a lot of men are uncomfortable with that. Anyhow, he wrote to say that it was a perfect evening and he went on to list all the great things about it. But he also wrote that he felt in limbo and not of this world, and that he was reading and taking things easy. I wrote back, then it took him five days to write to me. He said that he'd been in the capital to get a visa for some travel. His email was warm, and I felt happy he wrote, but I waited a day to respond (for two reasons: I felt that was a long time for him to write back and I was a bit miffed, but secondly, I wanted to show him that I was chill.) So more emails in between, lovely ones ... then I got free theatre tickets, albeit the day before so I invited him saying that I realize it's last minute. He wrote to say he has plans. Again, it was a nice email. He referred to me as dear, but didn't say that we should go out another time. So, he keeps sending me emails... I wrote to him that I'd love to see him again before his trip. He wrote back to tell me the dates, but didn't say that he'd love to see me, too. And he keeps sending emails every few days ... wtf?
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Yes, third choice. Tell him why. For all you know, he may be thinking he'll smother you if he tries to show you more attention or something. Communication is very cool. Going radio silence is rude, mean, classless and doesn't help him at all. If he is stringing you along for a never-ending ego boost and he isn't into you, going with choice 3 will let him know that you have feelings too and make him think about how he's behaving. I want to talk to him about this; however, I'm too scared. I feel very vulnerble right now because I have feelings for him, and quite frankly ... feeling vulnerable s*cks. I don't like feeling this way. I feel awful. These intense conversations we've had about philosophy, psychology, art, etc. have been deep, but when I think about it, they haven't been personal, in the sense that we're disclosing ourselves. We debated a few points and I felt it very stimulating; however, these things were all out side of ourselves, if you understand; therefore, non-threatening. I wrote him an email regarding how he can secure an autumn start for his PhD, but I said I don't usually give unsolicited advice, if he felt I was crossing a line to tell me. He wrote me back to thank me, saying he would seriously consider some of the suggestions and he was impressed by my brainstorming abilites. (lol) However, there are other emails I sent with links to favourite songs, etc. (He started sending me links previously, and asked for my comments) and I said, "don't feel you have to listen to all of these but there is this one I'd like to know if you agree or disagree with the songwriter's world view." And all he did was write that he appreciated the links but hasn't had a chance to go through them yet. So, I never did hear about his comments on that one song. Anyhow, he keeps on emailing ... But why? This is clearly not going any where. I can't ask him why. I just wish he'd stop writing. He's upsetting me terribly.
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 But she's NOT interested in what he is offering her. She said he is clearly not interested in her. She doesn't owe his feelings anything. It's not her job to fix him for the future. the problem is HIM, he isn't interested! He probably won't even care! Yes, you're right, I'm not interested in what he is offering ... which is a push-pull wishy-washy, don't invite me out type of deal. I want to be with someone whom I can share some of my feelings with (but I feel we don't know one another enough for that.) And I want someone to be as interested in me as I am in him. Plus, we met online and there was an ad up this past Friday that I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote. ('cause it's near his place and it's something very specific that we're both interested in, and has his correct age.) Can't understand why he wouldn't have asked me to that? That ad was posted on a Friday (I haven't been looking at dating sites, etc. since meeting him, but I was feeling insecure thinking that maybe he has someone else.) Then lo and behold ... I get another lovely email from him on Saturday. I was taking a course on the weekend, so I wrote him early Sunday morning (a lovely email) and I haven't heard from him since, which is par for the course with him. Only now, I hope he never writes again, but I know that he will ...
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Veggirl, I completely disagree with everything you said. 100% disagree. Did it ever occur to either of you that just maybe the guy is interested but he's shy? Maybe he feels that he blew with other girls in the past, and because they didn't communicate why they blew him off, maybe he incorrectly assumed he pursued them too aggressively. So now he's going real slow with ja123, trying to play it cool, and she's reading that he's not that into her. Trust me, I've been blown off by some women in the past that I was extremely interested in and I am just now starting to think I might have figured out why... I was showing too little interest. I thought of that SingleGuy ... but how shy could he be? We went dancing together and he invited me to his place. P.S. I'm glad that you were able to learn so as now you are able to express your interest and not get blown off.
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Ja123, You are such a coward. You might be right.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 If you don't want him to write you anymore, just be honest! Stop asking about him, his life and offering advice, helping him and being interested in what is going on with him. Just tell him that you like him a lot but it's obvious you two aren't on the same page right now. He has friend-zoned you. It's that plain and simple.. And because you have feelings for him NO friendship can happen because every single thing he says you're lookin for hope, looking for signs he IS into you, even though deep down you know he isn't. You can't be 'friends' with someone you have feelings for. It's one sided and unfair to you.
TheSingleGuy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) Ja123, It's taken me years of absolute hellish frustration. Honestly, I'm just about to the point that I hate all women. If just ONE of them had communicated with me, as in option 3, I might not be this pissed off at all women in general. Trust and believe, what comes around will go around. I'm so jaded, I plan to intentionally get some women to fall in love with me and then I'm just gonna vanish: no responses to calls, no responses to text messages. They sure as hell won't get an explanation. My heart is cold and dead. Hatred has enveloped my very soul. Please, choose option 3. Edited March 7, 2012 by TheSingleGuy
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I read the situation as him thinking you only want him as a friend, since you rejected his sexual advances. If you want more, be very clear about your timetable, i.e. you don't sleep with a man unless both of you agree to an exclusive relationship or until you've been dating a month or whatever. You need to be vulnerable if you want true intimacy, emotional and sexual. Building a wall may protect you but it also keeps out the good guys. 1
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Just tell him that you like him a lot but it's obvious you two aren't on the same page right now. That sounds like a good way to put it. It's simple, and it's not pointing fingers at anyone. He has friend-zoned you. It's that plain and simple.. Yes, I feel friend-zoned. But how did we go from spectacular dates to this? I don't understand.
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 I read the situation as him thinking you only want him as a friend, since you rejected his sexual advances. If you want more, be very clear about your timetable, i.e. you don't sleep with a man unless both of you agree to an exclusive relationship or until you've been dating a month or whatever. You need to be vulnerable if you want true intimacy, emotional and sexual. Building a wall may protect you but it also keeps out the good guys. Sex would have been on the table for the theatre night had he accepted. But he didn't even bother to say, let's do something else another time. I told him on the thrid date that I would say yes, just not tonight. If he's that quick moving for sex, then I'm glad I didn't sleep with him as it shows me he was only interested in one thing, or at most an FWB. I've never brought up the exclusivity talk before, and it felt too soon to talk about it in some way. You are right about my putting up a wall will keep the good guys out. I just question whether this he is one of the good guys. I'll think about the wall, FitChick. I really will.
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Sex would have been on the table for the theatre night had he accepted. I told him on the thrid date that I would say yes, just not tonight. You didn't specifically mention that particular night would be the night for sex. You left it vague: "I will say yes, just not tonight." Well, you could have meant three months from now. How would he know?
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Ja123, It's taken me years of absolute hellish frustration. Honestly, I'm just about to the point that I hate all women. If just ONE of them had communicated with me, as in option 3, I might not be this pissed off at all women in general. Trust and believe, what comes around will go around. I'm so jaded, I plan to intentionally get some women to fall in love with me and then I'm just gonna vanish: no responses to calls, no responses to text messages. They sure as hell won't get an explanation. My heart is cold and dead. Hatred has enveloped my very soul. Please, choose option 3. Oh, SingleGuy!!! What do I say to that? I'm so sorry you were not well treated. I understand how a heart can turn cold and dead. I have been hurt terribly myself ... my situation was different ... I was in an LTR and loved too much. Here I am, trying to date again with that battered, near lifeless heart of mine ... so when someone has pumped it a little blood it feels as though it's coming back to life after very austere times. But, yes, I feel the need to protect it (it's fragile), I am fragile. I feel vulnerable. And yes, at the slightest sign of hurt, that wall is going up. I must, however, protect myself, and use rationale to guide me in the dating world. It seems anathema to do so in affairs of the heart, but until I've figured someone out a bit more, then I'm proceeding with caution. As was mentioned, I do think I've been friend-zoned. That's the vibe I'm getting. Although is that the projection of my own fear, and am I participating in sabotaging this because of that fear, I wonder? But if I step back and look at it in a detached, rational manner, then it's not that big of a loss. He's got a lot on his plate right now, and so do I; but, that being said, there's no reason we couldn't have continued to enjoy one another's company and found some mutual solace during our respective transitions. But no, I have been friend-zoned, and it's up to me to communicate that that's not what I'm looking for and to wish him well and let him go. I won't invest in returning his emails (still can't figure out why he keeps initiating them, but then as was mentioned perhaps it's an ego-boost). Strangely, after being friend-zoned I don't think there is any way back from that. Even if he were to invite me on some smashing date, I wouldn't accept. It feels like that chapter has ended for me in my heart. Resentment has creeped in. And we don't have a relationship, let alone a relationship that's long enough, or solid enough to work that through. It was just a few dates afterall! I'm surprised at myself for being this upset, really. I think I have additional thinking to do, because perhaps my feeling regarding this guy have nothing to do with the guy per se, but something else. Your words sadden me, SingleGuy. It's like the breath of a dying man insisting that someone else should live. Why me? Why not you, SingleGuy? Do live again!
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 You didn't specifically mention that particular night would be the night for sex. You left it vague: "I will say yes, just not tonight." Well, you could have meant three months from now. How would he know? You are right, FitChick, it was vague. I didn't tell him that I wanted to sleep with him afterwards. But somehow, that supports my thought that maybe he just wanted the sex, like sex-on-tap, and as he didn't have any guarantees for it he decided not to make any effort to see me again, but is continuing to write to me in case he can't get it elsewhere.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Ja, I think its futile for you to worry about how you come off to this guy. First of all, I think he wont care that you are blowing him off. Second of all, you cant control what he thinks of you, You could write the most profound and heartwarming blowoff speech, but if could still retaliate. All you can do is tell him to leave you alone and forget about it. Dont worry about the words, and dont be vague like you previously were with him.
Author ja123 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Ja, I think its futile for you to worry about how you come off to this guy. First of all, I think he wont care that you are blowing him off. Second of all, you cant control what he thinks of you, You could write the most profound and heartwarming blowoff speech, but if could still retaliate. All you can do is tell him to leave you alone and forget about it. Dont worry about the words, and dont be vague like you previously were with him. You also thought I was too vague about the sex? I really didn't know that that was an issue: to let him know exactly when he'd be getting some. You're right, he probably won't care if I blow him off. How in the h*ck did I get friend-zoned? I wish he would give me some feedback so maybe I can learn something? As for his continuing to write, well ... it does feel like he's playing games at this point. Clearly, neither of us knows how to communicate. I'll update you here as to how I'm going to handle it. The only option I've barred is option 2 in my original OP.
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