zanzi Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) Am I doing something wrong that wont allow me to forget him? I mean I was angry at him but up till now I have thought about him every day, constantly. Wishing I would bump into him. Is there something wrong with me if I can't live my life without a person who clearly told me he doesn't want to be with me? I have been respecting his wishes and even though I find myself thinking about him more often than I still should I have not tried to talk to him. I put his number back on my phone but I haven't called/ texted. It just comforts me to know that I have it? Also I am very lonely, sometimes. Is this my fault? I miss having someone close to me. I am ready for intimacy and maybe a little seriousness. I wish he would come back sometimes, but I know he wont come back. I am tempted to go try and talk to him, but he hasn't changed his mind in just a few weeks. He doesn't want me and never will, but he is all I wan't. All day every day. I feel like even though my life is changing I am not moving on. Edited March 7, 2012 by zanzi 1
CC12 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Am I doing something wrong that wont allow me to forget him? You seem to be dwelling on him and somewhat ignoring reality and focusing on what you wish for instead. This isn't productive. I wish I was a kabillionaire, but it is unhelpful for me to focus on only that instead of the reality of my situation. Work with what you have. 1
Author zanzi Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 this is true. You'd think I wouldnt since I have so many other things to do with my study at uni and things, but I think I still believe we should get back together and that is all I want to happen. I can't picture a future I want to live in where I never get to see him again.
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Well that's your issue right there. You wish you would get back together. It's hard to move on when you still have hope.
youngster Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Well that's your issue right there. You wish you would get back together. It's hard to move on when you still have hope. Is it best to kill the hope? If so, how? I too have been respecting the wishes of woman that I was involved with by leaving her to live her life, but I constantly look to see if its her car, or think she maybe will bump into me etc.. Believe me, I pray to God everyday for the strength to let her go, but that hope just resonates in me. I like in Shawshank Redemption when Andy says to Red, "remember, Red; hope, is a good thing."
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Is it best to kill the hope? If so, how? I too have been respecting the wishes of woman that I was involved with by leaving her to live her life, but I constantly look to see if its her car, or think she maybe will bump into me etc.. Believe me, I pray to God everyday for the strength to let her go, but that hope just resonates in me. I like in Shawshank Redemption when Andy says to Red, "remember, Red; hope, is a good thing." Hope is a good thing when it is applied to the right things. If this person does not want you anymore, then the line is drawn and you need to respect that. So yes, in time you will learn to heal by giving up the hope that they come back. You will learn to love yourself the most and taking care of yourself will be your main priority. Hope for the sun to shine, to do well on a test, to not get into a car accident... but you can't continue to hope for something that you have already been denied. 1
youngster Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 So the antidote to false hope is time? I can walk away from my relationship knowing that I love myself enough to know i deserve someone that wants to be with me, respect her decisions, wish her well and try and learn from this experience. However, I'm about three and a half months out of the relationship, with almost no contact and I still want her. Like a lot of folks on here, I feel like she is my one. Zanzi you are definitely not alone. I cannot say that you're not doing anything wrong, because I am in the same boat. Can I ask you, during your BU was it stated that it was over? What I mean is, my ex didn't take ownership of her reasons for dumping me, didn't give me any real reasons as to why she had to end things, lied to me, and filled me with false hope. I think in my situation, I was left thinking reconciliation was a real possibility, when in fact I am just a safety net. I do not mean to thread jack, but Philosoraptor, may I ask how you're doing with your break up? You always seem so insightful and positive when posting. I mean no disrespect, but are you fully healed, and if so, why hang around all of us heartbroken?
Philosoraptor Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 So the antidote to false hope is time? I can walk away from my relationship knowing that I love myself enough to know i deserve someone that wants to be with me, respect her decisions, wish her well and try and learn from this experience. However, I'm about three and a half months out of the relationship, with almost no contact and I still want her. Like a lot of folks on here, I feel like she is my one. It's not the time, it's what you do with it. If you work on yourself it takes less time, if you stagnate it could take forever. Finding acceptance is the cure for false hope. I do not mean to thread jack, but Philosoraptor, may I ask how you're doing with your break up? You always seem so insightful and positive when posting. I mean no disrespect, but are you fully healed, and if so, why hang around all of us heartbroken? I healed up awhile back as after my first couple posts here I realized that I had been doing what many here do, which is apologizing for their ex's behavior. Once I took off my rose colored glasses I could not only see her for who she was, but me for who I was... and it wasn't pretty. I just didn't like what I saw anymore and set a goal to get back the happy, peaceful, and optimistic person I was before I met her. But not only did I see her for who she was, but I was able to forgive her for all of the pain I recieved over the years, and myself for all of my wrongdoings. I also accepted that I was not helpless and knowledgeably allowed the conditions to continue for years as I hoped that she would one day learn to be happy within herself. Why not stick around? I got a few bits of advice here that really helped me and what better way to spend my free time at work than trying to offer others a bit of hope that things will be ok? I spend much of my free time helping others anyways, so why not here as well? One of my favorite quotes is: "While practicing generosity, we should always remember how very fortunate we are to have this opportunity." - Gomo Tulku I am very thankful to have healed and to be able to share a bit of hope to all those whom are still hurting.
youngster Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I need to learn to accept. I find that I am more accecpting of the fact that the relationship is over, but now sizing up the challenge to accecpting that she is not coming back. I guess in a way they're one in the same. One of the reasons I find it difficult accecpting that she isn't coming back is because of how much she inflated me with hope while dumping me (wow I'm really not as healed as I thought, my eyes are welling up as I type). She handed me that thread of hope when dumping me saying she didn't want to, but she had to etc and I've held onto that idea even though I've proven to myself that she was lying. I am also rounding the corner where I am beginning to see her for who she is and more importantly me for what I've become. I also do not like some of the ugly habits I've picked up in the past few months. I don't know how, but I have to continue working on the acceptance. Through accecpting the truth and reality of the situation I can then begin to learn to forgive. It's not going to be easy Thank you for sticking around, Great quote too.
Author zanzi Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) when I said " I dont want to be in a future without him" I was suicidal. I mean, not necessarily because of anyone else or him. Just because I have been that way for the six years Ive had depression. When Im alone, the silence makes me crazy sometimes. But when you have someone " at your conveinience." like- someone you can spend heaps of time with and sleep next to, be intimate with, you feel like your alive again. Then when its over... well. Having nobody else to sludge my emotional **** onto makes me start to break down. I lean on pills now, and booze, drugs, cutting, anything I can use to bury myself under so I never have to actually FACE myself. I am still sick/ suicidal. i listened to metal music in the dark and cried for a long time last night until my flatmates came to see what the hell was going on, thats my constant emotional mindset. Dark and violent. Having someone else to drag into it is like a momentary life saver being flung into your ocean of hard existence. Unfortunately when they are gone, I go back into full depressed mode. ahhh, pills cant fix it. Talking to therapists doesnt help do much else then keep me ALIVE for the moment. People are worried about me now. I found a leaflet titled " having suicidal thoughts?" placed strategically on the table today. the guy- the one I liked so much, I dotn even know WHY I like him. Hes not god, or buddah, he cant control me, the sun doesnt shine out of his ass. hes not my sun and moon. Yet as soon as he slips out from under me, I fall apart in a heap. Why? I dont know why we even think our exes are that great. I mean think about your ex, really think about him/her. Is he she perfect, did she treat you well during the breakup, or was he/ she cold? Do you really want to be with someone who wouldn't care if they found you in a pile of blood and guts with " I love you" written in knife marks across your chest or would they think you were a freak and be upset for about a week then forget? why the hell do we care, THEY DONT. Edited March 12, 2012 by zanzi
Author zanzi Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I am so angry/ tired or caring about him/ obbsessing. I want to erase my love. I want to stomp all over it and break its neck. I want it to stop making me feel like Im on fire and need to jump out of a five storey building. I want to stop being constantly lonely/ frustrated/horny/ confused/ angry. I feel so powerless.
CC12 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Hi zanzi, I think you need some help. Do you go to school? Usually students have access to counselors through the school. Can you look into that? If you can't, maybe your friends can help you make an appointment? They obviously care about you and are worried about you. Reach out to them for some basic help if you need to. If you need to talk to someone immediately, call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 if you're in the US. If you're in the UK, I found this after a quick google search: Samaritans Home Page telephone number: 08457 90 90 90
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