Els Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Apparently, he is attracted to non-skinny, as well as skinny. Sounds pretty normal and healthy to me. Precisely. I don't see what all the fuss is about. It's silly to assume that 'seeing our partners for what they are' and 'being attracted to them' are mutually exclusive. Since blonde hair is prized, should I be seeing the bf as a blonde if I'm attracted to him? Must I think that he has the body of The Rock, otherwise I'm not attracted to him? Equally so, why can't the OP's bf say that she is curvy/chubby and at the same time be attracted to her? Yes, chubby probably isn't the best of words, and he's probably stuffing his foot into his mouth, but otherwise I don't see why he can't see her for what she is (a non-skinny woman) and still be attracted to her.
Kamille Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Did the boyfriend even use the word chubby? My understanding of the story is that he used the expressions: "between average and some extra padding" and "curvy" (as well as attractive). The OP interpreted it to mean he thinks she is chubby/unattractive. And Tumbleweeds, I would advise against "preemptively dumping" your boyfriend. You're allowed to break up if you feel disrespected - but your current reason for wanting to do so is lame (because you're assuming this means he will dump you/cheat on you). You're making a lot of assumptions and reacting to the situation in an emotional way. This has me wonder how sound the relationship was before the "curvy" discussion happened. Why do you two want to invite a third into the bedroom?
make me believe Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Tumbleweed, if he actually told you that his ex-gfs were hotter than you, then I think that's a dumpable offense... Holy sh*t that's just MEAN to say!! Somebody who loves you would be aware of how much that statement would hurt you and would NEVER say it, no matter what. Those kinds of words can't be forgotten, imo. Your first post didn't sound so bad, it sounded like you were really twisting his words & attaching meaning in kind of a crazy way.. But him telling you his ex's were hotter is just unacceptable. He is a douche. I would tell him his "hot ex's" can have him, then. Ugh.
kaylan Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) Wow. Well, first of all, despite the discussion at hand... Let's still try to remember that petite/smaller girls still have feelings just like everybody else. Bigder girls usually throw the "bag of bones" venom out of insecurity in my opinion. Just because a girl is this does not mean she is a bag of bones. Plenty of guys find them attractive. My ex was petite and had plenty of cushion in tummy and booty. Tumbleweed, if he actually told you that his ex-gfs were hotter than you, then I think that's a dumpable offense... Holy sh*t that's just MEAN to say!! Somebody who loves you would be aware of how much that statement would hurt you and would NEVER say it, no matter what. Those kinds of words can't be forgotten, imo. Your first post didn't sound so bad, it sounded like you were really twisting his words & attaching meaning in kind of a crazy way.. But him telling you his ex's were hotter is just unacceptable. He is a douche. I would tell him his "hot ex's" can have him, then. Ugh. I still really want to know if he said exactly that to her. Edited March 7, 2012 by kaylan
Author tumbleweed881 Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Did he actually say this? I have a hard time believing he would outright say they were hotter than you. Who the hell says that to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Me thinks he said something else and you twisted it around. Because youve shown us in your OP that you are good with twisting and transforming the things he says into something negative. Yes he said it. I asked him what sort of girls he liked. He said he was more of a butt man... but I don't have much of a butt, so I asked him if I was more or less attractive than other girls he's been with. He said I'm less attractive than some, and more attractive than others. I know which girls he thinks were less attractive (because he's made comments about some of them) and ALL of them were chunky or overweight, whereas the attractive girls were all skinny. Kamille, we wanted to invite a third into the bedroom cause I'm bi, but also because it's a huge fantasy of my bf's. He gets really excited about it. He's never been in a monogamous relationship before, so before this, I thought he was missing the variety. I guess it turns out I just don't satisfy him. I think what I'm going to do is go ahead with the threesome, and then dump him after. If I dump him after the threesome, then he can still be with the skinny girl we pick out. Then he'll be happy, and that's what I really want, for him to be happy. I don't think anyone can be happy when dating someone they're not really attracted to and doesn't satisfy them, but I know sometimes guys are afraid of conflict and won't just dump a girl but cheat on them instead and stuff.
Kamille Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I think what I'm going to do is go ahead with the threesome, and then dump him after. If I dump him after the threesome, then he can still be with the skinny girl we pick out. Then he'll be happy, and that's what I really want, for him to be happy. I don't think anyone can be happy when dating someone they're not really attracted to and doesn't satisfy them, but I know sometimes guys are afraid of conflict and won't just dump a girl but cheat on them instead and stuff. I can't decide if your boyfriend is superficial or if it's the way your logic works that make him sound superficial. Either way, you still don't know that 1) he isn't happy 2) he isn't really attracted to you and 3) that he's only with you because he wants to avoid conflict. You have a very negative view of men and how their sexuality work. Some men are superficial, some men cheat, but it hasn't been my experience that most men cheat. (Only been cheated on once in all of my 4 serious relationships). It also hasn't been my experience that men need their partner to be "the hottest most attractive woman they've ever been with" in order to be happy in the relationship. Attraction is about more than physical attributes, and I fear you're selling yourself and your relationship short if you're not paying attention to your emotional connection and to how your personalities mesh. Talk to him TW. And step way from stereotyping all men as players. 3
kaylan Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Yes he said it. I asked him what sort of girls he liked. He said he was more of a butt man... but I don't have much of a butt, so I asked him if I was more or less attractive than other girls he's been with. He said I'm less attractive than some, and more attractive than others. I know which girls he thinks were less attractive (because he's made comments about some of them) and ALL of them were chunky or overweight, whereas the attractive girls were all skinny. Kamille, we wanted to invite a third into the bedroom cause I'm bi, but also because it's a huge fantasy of my bf's. He gets really excited about it. He's never been in a monogamous relationship before, so before this, I thought he was missing the variety. I guess it turns out I just don't satisfy him. I think what I'm going to do is go ahead with the threesome, and then dump him after. If I dump him after the threesome, then he can still be with the skinny girl we pick out. Then he'll be happy, and that's what I really want, for him to be happy. I don't think anyone can be happy when dating someone they're not really attracted to and doesn't satisfy them, but I know sometimes guys are afraid of conflict and won't just dump a girl but cheat on them instead and stuff. Oh wells. Your boyfriend sounds dumb Either way, you took a harmless comment he made in the beginning, and then dug him a grave the first time around. He then jumped in that grave by making an actually stupid comment the next time around since you were looking for reasons to be insecure. I dunno what to tell you. Things were obviously fine until you started bugging out about things, and then he put his foot in his mouth when you set him up. If you feel you have to dump him, just do it. Because I cant see you getting any self esteem from him. That comes from within, and no matter what he says to you, you wont believe he wants to be with you. 1
Els Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 OP, your logic is so muddled I honestly can't tell what you're trying to achieve here. You're going to dump him out of the blue without even attempting to work on this, and you're doing that because you 'want him to be happy'?? Okaaaay.... 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 CURVY MEANS CURVY! The only reason the word lost all meaning was when fat women with very large rolls and barely any curves started to use it. A roll is curved … isn't it? 1
kaylan Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 A roll is curved … isn't it? lmao true. But obviously we know that when someone is talking about a curvy body, they mean the angle a womans silhouette will have from shoulder to thigh.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I think what I'm going to do is go ahead with the threesome, and then dump him after. If I dump him after the threesome, then he can still be with the skinny girl we pick out. Then he'll be happy, and that's what I really want, for him to be happy. I don't think anyone can be happy when dating someone they're not really attracted to and doesn't satisfy them, but I know sometimes guys are afraid of conflict and won't just dump a girl but cheat on them instead and stuff. Awesome plan. Just kidding. He'll probably be "happier" if you dump him right away. He can "pick out" his own skinny girlfriend. Clearly, YOU are not "relationship material." I hope you get some help with your severe self esteem issues, your out of whack need for external validation, etc. And that you stay single in the meanwhile. 1
baguette Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 For the sake of your bf, I hope you dump him. Sounds like way too much drama. 1
verhrzn Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Awesome plan. Just kidding. He'll probably be "happier" if you dump him right away. He can "pick out" his own skinny girlfriend. Clearly, YOU are not "relationship material." I hope you get some help with your severe self esteem issues, your out of whack need for external validation, etc. And that you stay single in the meanwhile. God, you guys are cruel. Her bf insults her figure (and yes, saying she has "extra padding" IS insulting in a culture that constantly enforces that skinny is beautiful and fat-except in the boobs and butt-is ugly) and yet you yell at HER. Now you're even suggesting it's HER who is broken.... not her bf who is dating someone he's not that attracted to! And before you jump on the "well he said he was attracted!" let's review the "look at his actions, not his words": according to the OP, he routinely finds skinny girls attractive, he doesn't have much of a sex drive with her, and he's been pushing for a threesome. And yet ya blame her! And tell HER to stay out of relationships until she's "relationship material." Geez.
Els Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 God, you guys are cruel. Her bf insults her figure (and yes, saying she has "extra padding" IS insulting in a culture that constantly enforces that skinny is beautiful and fat-except in the boobs and butt-is ugly) and yet you yell at HER. Now you're even suggesting it's HER who is broken.... not her bf who is dating someone he's not that attracted to! And before you jump on the "well he said he was attracted!" let's review the "look at his actions, not his words": according to the OP, he routinely finds skinny girls attractive, he doesn't have much of a sex drive with her, and he's been pushing for a threesome. And yet ya blame her! And tell HER to stay out of relationships until she's "relationship material." Geez. V, With all due respect, I think you're saying this because you have the same insecurity issues that she does. The fact that society thinks 'having extra padding' is bad is society's problem, not his. Some men genuinely believe that 'padding' and 'being curvy' (his words) is a good thing, believe it or not. He told her repeatedly that he finds her attractive. He has not been pushing for a threesome, she says that she wants one because she is bi. You, and she, are just assuming that he isn't attracted to her, because the insecurity within you, and her, is clamoring that 'padding' cannot possibly be attractive. Calling a spade a spade does not mean a man is not attracted to you. It can very well mean that he recognizes a spade when he sees it and loves it for what it is. 4
verhrzn Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 V, With all due respect, I think you're saying this because you have the same insecurity issues that she does. The fact that society thinks 'having extra padding' is bad is society's problem, not his. Some men genuinely believe that 'padding' and 'being curvy' (his words) is a good thing, believe it or not. He told her repeatedly that he finds her attractive. He has not been pushing for a threesome, she says that she wants one because she is bi. Kamille, we wanted to invite a third into the bedroom cause I'm bi, but also because it's a huge fantasy of my bf's. He gets really excited about it. He's never been in a monogamous relationship before, so before this, I thought he was missing the variety. I guess it turns out I just don't satisfy him. So... according to her own report, it kinda sounds like he was pushing for a threesome. And that he finds skinny types the most attractive. And of course, he couldn't possibly be lying about being attracted to her. Or he could mean the same bull**** that my exes did... that he's "emotionally" attracted to her, but not physically. Would the bf have to tell the OP straight up," No I'm not attracted to you" before you'd believe it? How much proof do you need before you'd accept the OP's conclusion? You, and she, are just assuming that he isn't attracted to her, because the insecurity within you, and her, is clamoring that 'padding' cannot possibly be attractive. Calling a spade a spade does not mean a man is not attracted to you. It can very well mean that he recognizes a spade when he sees it and loves it for what it is. Ah, so if a boyfriend tells you, you're ugly, he's not being cruel or dating you out of desperation, he's just calling a spade a spade! He's just being honest! Honestly, when will us silly women realize those kind of hurtful comments are really just our insecurity? That men get to say and do whatever they want, and if we women are hurt by it, well by golly, it's because WE'RE the problem?
Professor X Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 let's review the "look at his actions, not his words": according to the OP, he routinely finds skinny girls attractive, he doesn't have much of a sex drive with her, and he's been pushing for a threesome. 1. He isn't pushing for a 3some, she is, she's the bi. 2. Yes, let us look at the actions... hmm... hmm... Thinking, thinking... Ah, got it! HE'S WITH HER! Ta-Da! Action: he's with her Words: extra padding -- Action: he's with her Words: extra padding -- Action: he's with her Words: extra padding -- Action: he's with her Words: extra padding P.S. OP is a troll anyway, but just for funz. 2
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 God, you guys are cruel. Her bf insults her figure (and yes, saying she has "extra padding" IS insulting in a culture that constantly enforces that skinny is beautiful and fat-except in the boobs and butt-is ugly) and yet you yell at HER. Now you're even suggesting it's HER who is broken.... not her bf who is dating someone he's not that attracted to! And before you jump on the "well he said he was attracted!" let's review the "look at his actions, not his words": according to the OP, he routinely finds skinny girls attractive, he doesn't have much of a sex drive with her, and he's been pushing for a threesome. And yet ya blame her! And tell HER to stay out of relationships until she's "relationship material." Geez. Excuse me but didn't you tell her that she may as well break up with him now because he will end up dumping her for someone else anyway? That statement didn't sound too supportive either.
verhrzn Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 1. He isn't pushing for a 3some, she is, she's the bi. 2. Yes, let us look at the actions... hmm... hmm... Thinking, thinking... Ah, got it! HE'S WITH HER! Ta-Da! Action: he's with her Words: extra padding My boyfriends stayed with me, even though they thought I was physically unattractive. They were with me out of desperation and boredom. Being "with someone" doesn't mean anything if there aren't other actions to back it up. Excuse me but didn't you tell her that she may as well break up with him now because he will end up dumping her for someone else anyway? That statement didn't sound too supportive either. I'm not supportive of the relationship, but at least I'm not blaming her for it failing.
Imajerk17 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 God, you guys are cruel. Her bf insults her figure (and yes, saying she has "extra padding" IS insulting in a culture that constantly enforces that skinny is beautiful and fat-except in the boobs and butt-is ugly) and yet you yell at HER. Now you're even suggesting it's HER who is broken.... not her bf who is dating someone he's not that attracted to! And before you jump on the "well he said he was attracted!" let's review the "look at his actions, not his words": according to the OP, he routinely finds skinny girls attractive, he doesn't have much of a sex drive with her, and he's been pushing for a threesome. And yet ya blame her! And tell HER to stay out of relationships until she's "relationship material." Geez. WTF I'm 5'8"--maybe 5'7" really. And I'm well aware that we live in a culture that enforces reveres tall men--from women's preferences in OLD, to who gets to be CEO, to whom we elect presidents. A girlfriend said I was shorter than most of her previous boyfriends. It didn't bother me. Why would it? Of course I am. If she said I was tall I would suspect she is blowing smoke. And more to the point, I knew she found me attractive, my height or lack thereof, by how she treated me. I have no idea how I ranked in "attractiveness" compared to the other men she dated at the time, or if she preferred tall to short (she probably did), so why torture myself. Again, all I cared about was that she was into me, and she clearly was. You women need to stop creating drama by making such a huge deal over nothing. 1
xxoo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Ah, so if a boyfriend tells you, you're ugly, he's not being cruel or dating you out of desperation, he's just calling a spade a spade! He's just being honest! Honestly, when will us silly women realize those kind of hurtful comments are really just our insecurity? That men get to say and do whatever they want, and if we women are hurt by it, well by golly, it's because WE'RE the problem? "Ugly" is a direct insult. "Extra padding" is not. You are assigning that negative value. If I believe that my man only likes large breasts, and delude myself into thinking that my man thinks my breasts are large, I might be crushed to hear him describe them as small. But it doesn't make it a cruel comment, and it doesn't make him the problem. Especially if he tells me that he loves my small breasts. 1
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 [QUOTE=tumbleweed881;3861732]Yes he said it. I asked him what sort of girls he liked. He said he was more of a butt man... but I don't have much of a butt, so I asked him if I was more or less attractive than other girls he's been with. He said I'm less attractive than some, and more attractive than others. I know which girls he thinks were less attractive (because he's made comments about some of them) and ALL of them were chunky or overweight, whereas the attractive girls were all skinny. I thought you said he has only dated skinny girls in the past. I see he has dated chunky to overweight women before you. If what you say is above is true, he is attracted to all shapes of women, correct? I think what I'm going to do is go ahead with the threesome, and then dump him after. If I dump him after the threesome, then he can still be with the skinny girl we pick out. Then he'll be happy, and that's what I really want, for him to be happy. I don't think anyone can be happy when dating someone they're not really attracted to and doesn't satisfy them, but I know sometimes guys are afraid of conflict and won't just dump a girl but cheat on them instead and stuff. So do you prefer the skinny girls as well?
FitChick Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Let's not have verhrzn hijack yet another thread and make it all about her. She's a one-trick pony. 1
verhrzn Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Let's not have verhrzn hijack yet another thread and make it all about her. She's a one-trick pony. Says the poster who pulls out the Lefkoe Method as the solution for every single problem. Pot, kettle.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 My boyfriends stayed with me, even though they thought I was physically unattractive. They were with me out of desperation and boredom. Being "with someone" doesn't mean anything if there aren't other actions to back it up. So you have had boyfriends in your past. Other threads you've said no man wants you or has ever looked your way. I see now that is not true. Glad to hear that you can in fact attract a mate.
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