Ladies: describe a high maintenance man

[FrustratedStandards]

Would maintain a good job in order to be able to afford all these high maintenance things

Would have a clean car (yes, i've met men with garbage bins on wheels)

Would never have stains or smells on his clothing

Would shave and not look like a bum all the time

Would not pick at his skin or his pimples

Always keep his hair trim (including head, nose, ears and all other hairy places )

Would be organized

[reallyhotguy]

In my view, "high maintenance" describes a fundamental attitude, rather than a collection of certain behaviors ("goes the gym every day, only likes nice cars, etc.").

 

I see "high maintenance" as the strictness and complexity of one's criteria for allowing themselves to feel happy. Since these criteria are used to control such core states of being, it can define one's entire worldview. Thus, high maintenance people apply these rules not just to themselves, but to everyone around them. This makes them difficult: they are unwilling to reward people around them with praise and affection, just as they are unwilling to reward themselves with praise and affection -- unless the strict criteria which they apply to their own lives is also met in the lives of others.

 

Going to the gym every day, going to salons, etc. -- these are signs of being "high maintenance" because they are somewhat arbitrary material guidelines used to qualify a person for a state of contentment.

 

In this view, people who are high maintenance demonstrate a high degree of neuroticism and self-absorption. They are unable to cope with difficulty and imperfection in both themselves and the world around them, so they devise a game in homage, which enables them to play out and indulge in that dissatisfaction, by creating rules under which few are ever allowed to win. That gives them the illusion of control over their negative feelings, which come from a deeper place than haircuts and jewelry.

[Els]

Very much agreed. He's labeled "high maintenance" by those women who can't get him...for those who can get him, he's labeled a "catch," so to speak...

 

I don't think that's true. There are many women who aren't interested in a man who spends a lot of time on his appearance, and there are many women who are. Really, one woman's meat is another woman's poison. I just would not be interested in a guy who absolutely has to work out 2 hours a day and maintain an extremely strict diet, buy only the most expensive of clothes, wear colored contacts and dye his hair, spend 30 minutes fixing it in the morning, etc. It has nothing to do with whether I can get him or not - our lifestyles just wouldn't mesh.

[Emilia]

I think high maintenance men are insecure and demanding in a needy way. I think they tend to be self-centered and need constant reassurance that they are taken seriously. They can't handle conflict well and are often petulant.

[zengirl]

I'll add to your description: guys who are a bottomless pit of need. They always need sex, affection, reassurance, whatever, and get annoyed if you spend time on something that isn't them.

 

That's what I call high maintenance.

 

Oh, yes, that's a good one. I forgot that one. Really, I don't use the phrase HM for that personally, though they are; I'd just call them needy. But I agree they are HM, at the heart of it!

 

People who seek luxury don't need validation. They just like luxury. Everyone on this forum seems to think that the rich or the high maintenance are people with issues, when maybe they are just rich because they are successful and high maintenance because they like/want to be.

 

People who disagree with certain qualities automatically get on the offence and find a reason to degrade it. That shows more about the person than the quality itself.

 

I don't like materialism. Not all rich people seek luxury---I have nothing against rich people (hey, my parents are rich people; you wouldn't know it to look at them, and I guess now that I'm married, we're pretty rich; not the 1%, mind you, but hubby alone is making 6 figures, which most Americans aren't).

 

I have nothing against occasional luxury, even. Hubby likes nice cars, and my parents love their vacations. And I've been known to splurge on wine and vacations myself.

 

What I think is gross is "measuring" your life by materialism, considering luxury a necessity, or finding validation in luxury. That's a very different thing. I could be happy with very minimal material things, personally, and that's a low maintenance trait, I think. "Needing" the luxury is maintaining a high maintenance life---and many, many people who like luxury are not rich enough to afford it long-term and drive themselves into debt. Also HM, IMO.

 

Then again, I am Buddhist, and yes, some of those beliefs are going to spill over. *shrug*

 

1) Gym rats - those who value physical fitness and appearance...fellow "gym rats" generally do not judge one's value of physical fitness negatively...I'll admit to frequenting the gym, so when I see someone who has a high level of fitness (and looks it), I'll commend them on their hard work...and that's about it...those that view "gym rats" as narcissists generally don't have the physical traits of a gym rat, so they'll associate those traits with personality disorders and the like, since it "levels the playing field" in their mind...

 

I.e., "This woman's body looks too good, so she must have a sh*tty personality...whew, now we're on the same level and I can compete with her in the dating world..."

 

Of course, I do not assume someone has a ****ty personality because they have an overly fit body (I like basic fitness, but when you've got too many muscles bulging, I honestly think it looks gross, so I can't call it "good" FWIW) or a good-looking body. I assume that when someone places an extreme VALUE on their appearance and the appearance of others to the degree where they spend HOURS a day on it, they are both shallow and HM, because they are showing me they are through their values and actions/allocation of time.

 

I have a kickass body, FWIW, but it's primarily genetic. I work out in my home about 20 minutes a day and go hiking/paddleboarding/etc a fair amount on the weekends for fun. But again, I'd be perfectly happy with an average body. I don't place the bulk of my self worth on my appearance, and thus it does not get the bulk of my time.

 

Also, when I say "gym rats" I'm not speaking to people who are actually sporty and enjoy what they do for the sake of the activity, rather than the way it makes them look. I know really truly active people who just love being active -- they run marathons, they climb mountains, it's what they love. I think that's great! It's not the "gym rat" phenomenon. The gym rat thing is all about being muscular and competitive and spending time and energy on your looks. I think physical fitness is a necessity to a degree (we should all treat our bodies with respect)---I don't think that attitude is about fitness.

 

2) Rich folk - rich people never judge each other on their lavish lifestyles...I doubt top business executives with their G-6's judged other executives negatively because they earned and enjoyed the finer things in life...

 

Being rich and being materialistic? Not at ALL the same things.

 

3) Expectation guys - you reap what you sow...if they expect a certain kind of woman, then it's on him to find and keep her...otherwise, he'll end up alone...that's just natural selection...avoid them if they bother you...

 

I don't think you get what I mean here. I mean pedestal guys---guys who just don't see the women they date as real people.

 

Seriously, ladies, do you really want a guy who:

 

Goes way, way, way too long between hair cuts?

Has dirt and grease under his finger nails?

Has callouses all over his toes and feet?

Has yellow, coffee stained teeth?

Has nose hairs coming out of his nose?

Hasn't seen the inside of a gym in years?

Can't dress himself?

Eats whatever he wants to, and looks that way naked?

 

Then, if a guy addresses all of these issues, he's labeled "high maintenance"????

 

I think callouses are just fine on a guy's feet (pedicured male feet creep me out a bit), and I don't care about going to the gym---I think it's a very odd way to exercise, frankly---but no, of course, the others are unattractive. I also don't want a man who obsesses about his appearance.

 

Putting in reasonable effort to maintain a decent and healthy body? Good. Putting your self-worth into how you look? Bad (and HM).

 

In my view, "high maintenance" describes a fundamental attitude, rather than a collection of certain behaviors ("goes the gym every day, only likes nice cars, etc.").

 

I see "high maintenance" as the strictness and complexity of one's criteria for allowing themselves to feel happy. Since these criteria are used to control such core states of being, it can define one's entire worldview. Thus, high maintenance people apply these rules not just to themselves, but to everyone around them. This makes them difficult: they are unwilling to reward people around them with praise and affection, just as they are unwilling to reward themselves with praise and affection -- unless the strict criteria which they apply to their own lives is also met in the lives of others.

 

Going to the gym every day, going to salons, etc. -- these are signs of being "high maintenance" because they are somewhat arbitrary material guidelines used to qualify a person for a state of contentment.

 

This is also true enough. I was trying to list in concrete terms. If the OP or anyone reading truly was HM, he probably wouldn't appreciate the nuance of what you wrote, but I think it's spot on.

[zengirl]

I don't think that's true. There are many women who aren't interested in a man who spends a lot of time on his appearance, and there are many women who are. Really, one woman's meat is another woman's poison. I just would not be interested in a guy who absolutely has to work out 2 hours a day and maintain an extremely strict diet, buy only the most expensive of clothes, wear colored contacts and dye his hair, spend 30 minutes fixing it in the morning, etc. It has nothing to do with whether I can get him or not - our lifestyles just wouldn't mesh.

 

Right. I could "get" plenty of these men. I just really, really didn't want them. Guys like the 3 types I described were probably the most common guys to approach me---which was why I learned to approach men instead! In fact, men I'd describe as shallow and HM always came up to me WAY too much to the point where I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The reason I have several types in my head is those were the 3 most likely guys in any room to hit on me back when I was single, and why most of the men I went out with were guys I self-selected and approached myself.

 

Guys like hubby (even though he's a hottie and pretty much rich) might have thought I was HM from a distance, who knows? I don't know why those guys were receptive to my approaches but never approached me---it's not like hubby didn't approach anyone in his life.

 

So, I get people not wanting to be seen as HM because they're attractive/fit or rich, but that's not what I was saying at all. It's about the lifestyle and attitude.

[ditzchic]

Am I the only one that thinks high maintenance has nothing to do with his grooming?

 

I appreciate a man that is well groomed and knows how to and likes to take care of himself. It shows he has pride in himself. That's hawt. And I can relate to someone that gives a damn about themselves. His grooming habits and what he does to make himself feel good about himself are things done on his time. It has nothing to do with me. It's just a part of his personality.

 

I think high maintenance has more to do with what he expects of me. Does he expect me to act and be a certain way at certain times? Is he a lot of "work" and constantly making demands on me? Am I putting so much effort into meeting his expectations and keeping him happy and/or occupied that I'm having a hard time just enjoying my time with him? I've dated a few guys like this. Not all of them were well-groomed pretty boys. That's my definition of high maintenance.

[carhill]

As an example in the public realm, the late Steve Jobs was generally recognized to be high maintenance by both colleagues, employees, and wives/girlfriends. Genius, sure, but often intractably difficult to co-exist with.

 

Low maintenance finds synergistic harmony with the diversity of their surroundings. High maintenance warps or attempts to warp their surroundings to suit their ego. That's been my experience anyway, with both men and women.

[norajane]

Am I the only one that thinks high maintenance has nothing to do with his grooming?

 

I appreciate a man that is well groomed and knows how to and likes to take care of himself. It shows he has pride in himself. That's hawt. And I can relate to someone that gives a damn about themselves. His grooming habits and what he does to make himself feel good about himself are things done on his time. It has nothing to do with me. It's just a part of his personality.

 

I think high maintenance has more to do with what he expects of me. Does he expect me to act and be a certain way at certain times? Is he a lot of "work" and constantly making demands on me? Am I putting so much effort into meeting his expectations and keeping him happy and/or occupied that I'm having a hard time just enjoying my time with him? I've dated a few guys like this. Not all of them were well-groomed pretty boys. That's my definition of high maintenance.

 

I completely agree. And I think it might be why the OP's friends are calling him high maintenance, especially since they told him that the fact that he doesn't think he is high maintenance is one of the things that MAKES him be high maintenance.

 

People with lots of expectations who think they are being perfectly reasonable and easy-going are extremely difficult to be with.

[serial muse]

I think high maintenance has more to do with what he expects of me. Does he expect me to act and be a certain way at certain times? Is he a lot of "work" and constantly making demands on me? Am I putting so much effort into meeting his expectations and keeping him happy and/or occupied that I'm having a hard time just enjoying my time with him? I've dated a few guys like this. Not all of them were well-groomed pretty boys. That's my definition of high maintenance.

 

Yep. Like some others have said, I think of high maintenance as requiring an unreasonable degree of emotional monitoring rather than being a matter of physical grooming. And yes, those people also don't tend to realize that they're being unreasonably demanding - they call it having "high standards," but of course those standards apply to others, not themselves. If someone expects that kind of drop-everything-for-me emotional attentiveness but isn't willing to reciprocate, then that's being high-maintenance.

 

In other words, it's a sense of entitlement.

[FrustratedStandards]

People with lots of expectations who think they are being perfectly reasonable and easy-going are extremely difficult to be with.

 

I don't think it's extremely difficult to deal with the kind of high maintenance that you describe. I just think it might be difficult to please them, or keep up since they think this kind of things are normal.

 

But again, I don't think high maintenance is a bad trait. I just think it's good to share this trait with a partner, otherwise there are problems.

 

Much like it's important to share the mentality of dynamic in a relationship. I also think that people who are "high maintenance" don't see themselves like that, because to them, it's not "high maintenance" it's just the way they like things to be.

 

It's the people who aren't as picky or demanding as them who gave the name "high maintenance".

 

But here's a question to guys and gals: If you had to pick one extreme or the other, would you pick to be/have the high maintenance guy? Or would you rather the slob?

[ditzchic]

 

But here's a question to guys and gals: If you had to pick one extreme or the other, would you pick to be/have the high maintenance guy? Or would you rather the slob?

 

I will only date guys that give a crap about their health and appearance. I would never date a schlub.

 

But I can't date someone that is so high-maintenance he thinks my whole goal in the relationship should be about pleasing him and being there for him. He has to be pretty independent. I myself, am too "high maintenance" for that too work. I have lots of things I keep up with to keep myself happy. I'm a gym rat, I have my own routines I like to do to keep myself balanced, in check and happy. If our two lives can't coexist both mutually and exclusively, it's not going to work. I don't care how hot and well groomed he is.

[serial muse]

But again, I don't think high maintenance is a bad trait. I just think it's good to share this trait with a partner, otherwise there are problems.

 

On the contrary, I'd imagine that problems would more often arise when both partners are high maintenance, rather than when one person is more easygoing about things.

 

If high-maintenance were solely about grooming and gym time, then yes, it would be easier if both people had the same habits. But people who are in shape and/or well-put-together aren't necessarily high-maintenance, IMO. I really do think high-maintenance is more of an inner than an outer thing. And two people who want it to be all about them and their preferences and have difficulty finding compromises are NOT going to get along.

[dasein]

A "high maintenance man" is a man who needs 1/4 the attention, emotional support, coddling, babying, excess affection, affirmation, having things "just so," and drama that the average woman needs... to put things in perspective. I type this out not to be nasty, but hoping you will remember it and use it next time a woman starts up with the inevitable manipulative "character assessment" games a bit too early on in the process. Negative reinforcement does wonders, and will get you more BJs too. After all, a woman with half a brain worth your respect will NEVER say something like this to you unless you really truly deserve it.

 

When women use "high maintenance" to describe you, 99% chance it is just another "idle chatter" noisome, transparent manipulation technique and means nothing substantive whatsoever. Ignore the comment entirely and move on or turn it around on them, whichever gets you better results. It's in the same category as "what are you thinking?" and "you seem distant," noise.

 

It has nothing to do with fitness, fashion or wealth, but insecurity, neediness and having things "just so" to the level of compulsiveness, as another poster nailed it. I have known a few genuinely high maintenance men, very few, their wives talk about them having to have their food arranged on a plate in certain ways, refusing to eat food if it's not a certain brand, generally behaving like picky women ("I thought I asked for the sour cream to be served on the side of the baked potato, not on the potato... nono it's OK, I'll eat it like this" ... passive aggressive fuming and pouting ensues, lawlz).

 

Tons of people of both genders work out lots, dress well and make good money without being "high maintenance." Have female friends having issues with men who "look prettier than me" but IMO that's not the same thing as "high maintenance."

[TheFinalWord]

To me, a high-maintenance man would be someone who makes a lot of demands on ME - like, demanding my complete attention & being available to him at all times, insisting that I follow certain behaviors that he deems appropriate, etc. It doesn't have anything to do with his own personal grooming or exercise habits.

 

Sorry, I know that's a negative view of "high maintenance."

 

I agree with this. I don't think it is just a list of traits. Everyone has different preferences. A high maintenance person is someone who drains you in some way, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Eventually, it becomes not worth the cost.

 

Basically, it is a subjective cost-benefit analysis that takes place subconsciously. Is the "cost" of a relationship with this person "worth" the price? If not, they become high maintenance for us.

 

Is it traits like, workaholic, money hungry, etc. I don't think so. All of us have some immoral proclivity. I don't think it's fair to just pick the one you personally don't like and say that's high maintenance

Edited March 7, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[Lonely Ronin]

I completely agree. And I think it might be why the OP's friends are calling him high maintenance, especially since they told him that the fact that he doesn't think he is high maintenance is one of the things that MAKES him be high maintenance.

 

People with lots of expectations who think they are being perfectly reasonable and easy-going are extremely difficult to be with.

 

I spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last couple of days. It took an off hand conversation with a coworker and a lot of introspection, but I think I have it figured out. I'm high maintenance because of my personality, this can best bee understood by some of the adjectives friends have used to describe me.

• driven
  
• analytical
  
• passionate
  
• complex
  
• decisive
  
• moral
  
• blunt
  
• confident
  

 

It all comes back to me knowing what I want, Once Iv'e made a decision or set a goal, it's very difficult to change my mind or prevent me from reaching it. For example, I see the chance for a very serious LTR with the woman I'm currently dating. she expressed some strong feelings towards me a few weeks ago, I believe her exact wording was "I absolutely adore you". However, she feels the timing of us meeting is the worst possible, and i tend to agree. It's very likely she will be moving 5 hrs away in another 2 months or so. So we kind of have this cloud hanging over us.

 

I've already decided that I like her a lot, and that I'm fine with a LDR, as long as I know she sees potential for a LTR, and is OK with a LDR. I'm not saying I love her, or we are going to get married etc, but I don't see any red flags that says it wouldn't be possible in the future, so i would like to see were this goes. I'm high maintenance because, I've reached a point where I'm starting to become emotionally invested, and i need her to decide what she wants one way or the other.

[serial muse]

I'm high maintenance because, I've reached a point where I'm starting to become emotionally invested, and i need her to decide what she wants one way or the other.

 

Wow, I know we all have different definitions, but honestly that doesn't fit my definition of high maintenance at all! It's just awesome. I hope she goes for it.

[Lonely Ronin]

Wow, I know we all have different definitions, but honestly that doesn't fit my definition of high maintenance at all!

 

I think the main thing is that in general, I won't play the wait and see game nearly as long as other guys will. I'm not a casual dater, if I see no future in it, then I'm done. I also think I'm not willing to wait as long as I used to, because of bad previous experiences. I've had a couple multi-year relationships that ended badly for me because I never forced a choice.