Author Trumpeted Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Do you want to marry her?Yes I want to. 1
Trimmer Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I think I'm ready to propose and get this over with. Be a little careful here. If you are really over it and ready to propose, then good for you. But if you're still bothered, and you're thinking that proposing will make you get over it, then you're doing things bass-ackwards. Don't (a) get married, or (b) have a child, as an attempt to fix a relationship issue. 1
denise_xo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Be a little careful here. If you are really over it and ready to propose, then good for you. But if you're still bothered, and you're thinking that proposing will make you get over it, then you're doing things bass-ackwards. Don't (a) get married, or (b) have a child, as an attempt to fix a relationship issue. These are good points. OP, why the rush? Give it some more time. The two of you are young and have your whole lives in front of you
denise_xo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) I haven't really told her how I've been thinking about her number and my feeling towards it. I don't wanna hurt her nor make her feel worst. I would encourage you to share it with her. My H had some issues with my past when we got together and we took quite a bit of time discussing it. I think those conversations were important. In general, keeping such feelings from each other is often detrimental to a relationship. Consider this an important test in relationship communication. Edited March 7, 2012 by denise_xo 2
standtall Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 32 dudes?? Good grief I wouldn't marry her. Most women have to have an emotional connection before they sleep with someone. That many men indicates that she doesn't need it and is searching for it, and IMHO, her odds of continuing that behavior after marriage is pretty high. 1
xxoo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I would encourage you to share it with her. My H had some issues with my past when we got together and we took quite a bit of time discussing it. I think those conversations were important. In general, keeping such feelings from each other is often detrimental to a relationship. Consider this an important test in relationship communication. 100% agree! Talk it through with her. She deserves to know your hesitations, before committing to you. How the two of you talk about your feelings on the subject, and work through it together, is just as important (if not more so) than previous sexual partners.
maybealone Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I agree that you both need to discuss this before getting engaged. This isn't just about you deciding to marry her, it's also about giving her a chance to decide about marrying you. She has the right to have all the information -- to know that she is the woman you are considering "lowering your standards" for to marry -- before she makes this decision. From what you've said here, it sounds like she made mistakes when she was younger that she now regrets. She can't change the past and neither can you. You both need to decide what you can and cannot deal with, and make the decision about marriage with both eyes wide open. 3
drifter777 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 If you really cannot get past the number then resentment will fester and poison this relationship. If you are secretly jealous that you did not have more partners, then call a time out and even the score. Totally agree here. OP - your standards are one of the things that define who you are and how you want to live your life. If you truly think her number is obscene you will probably never be able to respect her. You may even begin to feel contempt for her, and that will kill your relationship. Regarding a time-out to even the score, it doesn't sound like your standards and sense of right and wrong would allow you to cat around like she did. Also, she would up her number a lot more than you would during any "time-out". 1
Quiet Storm Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 You have a right to your preferences, and if you want your future wife to have a lower number, that's okay. Your girlfriend had a right to sleep with who she wanted. She has slept with 32 men, but this doesn't mean she did something wrong. If you feel that her number will continue to be an issue for you, then you should reconsider the relationship. You don't want to bring this up for fear of hurting her, but stuffing your feelings is not good either. Not talking about it won't make your feelings go away and can breed resentment. In addition, when you continue the relationship after her revelation, it gives her the impression that you have accepted this about her. She deserves to know that this continues to be an issue for you. She needs the full picture, because she may prefer to be with someone that doesn't have any issues with her past. There are many relationships where the couple loves each other, but have concluded that they are simply incompatible. This may be the case for you. Your preference for a lower number, and the fact that she has a high number, cause a conflict. You can love each other, have fun together, etc., but still not be compatible because of one issue. Sometimes the issue can be overcome. Sometimes it festers and years down the line both partners are miserable because that one issue eventually casts a dark cloud over the entire relationship. It sounds to be like if you would have had the truth from the start, you wouldn't have chosen to be in a relationship with her. Although she eventually came clean, she misrepresented herself. I understand she did this because she didn't want to be judged (and her intincts were correct), but it was still a lie. A lie that she continued with until her own guilt became too much for her to bear. I would be more concerned about this aspect of her personality, than I would be with her past. Taking all the other men out of it, she lied to YOU. For years. She could've said that she wanted to keep her number to herself- but she didn't. She chose to lie. This shows that she will take the easy route (lying), rather than face conflict. Conflict avoidance ends up being a huge issue in many marriages, and creates an atmosphere of sneakiness. You should be able to be 100% honest with your partner, even if the truths hurt. She should be able to tell you what she did, and you should be able to tell her how you feel about it. If the conflicts can't be resolved, you should move on. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I think I'm ready to propose and get this over with. This is a big decision, getting a proposal "over with" probably isn't the best way of thinking about it. Sounds like you just want to do it in order to get over your doubts..or hope they will magically go away with a ring on her finger. They won't, and it will be a heck of a lot more complicated if you are doubting the relationship while planning a wedding/marriage at the same time. Think this through.
DepressedinDenver Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Do not propose! Please leave her! You cannot turn a ho into a wife! The saying is true. Just trust me. I learned the hard way. 1
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Actually I would also looked down at dudes bragging about all the girls they banged. I would changed the subject when one of friends tried to tell me about that and simply told him I'm not interested in hearing any of it, how I'm not impressed at all. I used to believe that someone who respected him/herself would be selective in choosing. I don't see any meaning of banging random women at clubs. This was never my lifestyle. Your posts show a lot of judgment and comparing. Have you always been so judgmental? Is it useful to hold her past against her like a weapon? IF she has done NOTHING except show YOU love and respect and honesty in your time you've dated - why are you holding her hostage for things she can't change? 1
The Blue Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Honestly, she's probably slept with more - women will usually never give you the real number, especially someone as "experienced" as your girlfriend. Also, men will usually minimize the number when their girlfriends ask. Although I've always heard . . . and believed that men tend to exaggerate their conquests, even to the women they are interested in . . . whereas woman tend to minimize their sleeping partners. For men, it's about appearing studdish. For women, it's about not appearing sluttish. 1
The Blue Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I suppose I would try to be honest at some point but yeah would have a hard time finding a relationship. This did happened to my male cousin. He had a past just like my gf but when he told his Christian virgin gf, unlike me who is willing to overlook that, she end up dumping him right on the spot and went completely NC. Now I'm thinking that may have been kinda harsh. For some Christians mutual virginity is very important. I don't blame them. If they save themselves for "the right person" why should they settle for less from the other person?
The Blue Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I would encourage you to share it with her. My H had some issues with my past when we got together and we took quite a bit of time discussing it. I think those conversations were important. In general, keeping such feelings from each other is often detrimental to a relationship. Consider this an important test in relationship communication. Denise, if that's your photo in your avatar I can see where your hubby had some reservations
McSassy Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 everyone has a past, demons, skeletons in their closets. you should be grateful that she has a conscience and did tell you. I know that high numbers are difficult to deal with, as mine are super low and my husbands are well let's just say wayyyyyyyyyyyyy higher than mine. if you really love her it shouldn't matter to you about her past, unless she is bringing it up everyday. i heard an analogy once, there is a reason rear view mirrors are so much smaller than windshields in cars, it is because people are not meant to see that much of what is behind them, they are meant to look forward. if you truly love her, get off your a$$ go buy the ring and propose immediately!
denise_xo Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Denise, if that's your photo in your avatar I can see where your hubby had some reservations unfortunately i can't claim real life resemblance
Author Trumpeted Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I would like to update that I did proposed to her 5 months ago. It's been already discussed. I don't think it's about numbers anymore but rather the basic things needed in a relationship: integrity, fidelity, compassion, respect for others, family oriented, great personality. She seems to have all those qualities. We never cheated on each other and I can't think of any reason she has given me to distrust her. On the other hand, I end up recently consoling one of my male friends who got cheated on by his former virgin gf. It turns out that a year after he broke her (according to him, she bled and started crying), she started cheating on him like crazy. Yikes.... 1
LilGirlandOW Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Love her for the woman she is now, I've been judged by my past and its heartwrenching when thats not you anymore, My number is 4, and I'm in my 30's... But for a year and a half during university I worked as a go-go dancer, my X never let me live that down, That killed me because I never regretted it, it was apart of who I am, and its hard to change the past. 1
Author Trumpeted Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Love her for the woman she is now, I've been judged by my past and its heartwrenching when thats not you anymore, My number is 4, and I'm in my 30's... But for a year and a half during university I worked as a go-go dancer, my X never let me live that down, That killed me because I never regretted it, it was apart of who I am, and its hard to change the past.I'm sorry to hear that but remember that exes are exes for a reason. He was a jerk indeed. Did you read my update? I'm already engaged to her. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that but remember that exes are exes for a reason. He was a jerk indeed. Did you read my update? I'm already engaged to her. My apologies, I read it after I posted, was a late night. All the best! And CONGRATS!
Eve Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Glad you both sorted it out OP. All in all, promiscuous behaviour is tied to many mental health disorders so really it is a case of how stable a partner you have. If she is stable and can see the whys and why nots, don't knock her. Unstable? Encourage seeking help. Take care, Eve x
janedoe67 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Just to balance some of the sweeping "statistic" posts: My best friend in high school became "loose" when she was a junior. I have no idea how many guys but it was a lot. She has been happily and faithfully married for 23 years. I married in my mid twenties as a virgin. I have a thread on the infidelity forum because I have had several affairs and am trying to heal my marriage. There are no "always" statistics on this. If she has been a woman of character the entire time YOU have been with her - then give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that is who she is. 1
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 This topic comes up quite a bit. Promiscuity and cheating are not necessarily related. Just because someone screwed around a lot in their past doesn't necessarily mean that they will cheat. She said she didn't cheat during any of those but do you really believe that? She said she only screwed 32 guys but do you really believe that? Women tend to significantly downplay their numbers. She may have screwed 32 guys but how many did she blow in the bathroom or at the frat party? Is she only counting the guys she was sober and can remember and isn't counting the number of times she passed out at the party and had spew running down her legs while walking back to her dorm room after the frat party. The real issue here isn't the actual number. What is at issue is that you two probably have vastly differing values and mores as it comes to sexuality and relationships etc. She did not have serious exclusive relationships with 32 guys. a lot of them were hook ups and ONSs and FWBs/FBs and probably a number of drunken romps and maybe even a few date rapes or near date rapes. Does that indicate the character and personality type of the person you want to bring home to Mom and introduce her as the mother of her future grandchildren??? Now I am sure she is very nice and I am even sure she is being sincere when she says she wants to have a relationship/marriage with you and she is probably even sincere of her planned fidelity. The problem is 32 guys in her past really don't mean anything while your relationship is fresh and fun and good. The issue will come when the passion and the fun and the rush of passion and hormones begin to wane. She is accustomed to short, passionate, exciting encounters and relationships based on passion and a live-hard/die-young mentality. How is she going to be once the hormones and the passions have faded and now life revolves around paying bills and coming home late from work to pay the bills and there's screaming, puking, pooping kids and life isn't fun and exciting anymore? How is she going to be once you are no longer courting her and gaming her and only showing her your best side all the time? Those 32 guys were not the bookworm, choir boys from bible study. Those were the playa's and the jocks and the silver-tongued ladies men who taking their turns climbing on. All of them were whispering in her ear making her promises in the dark while they were getting her warmed up and ready. how many of those promises is she going to think back to when you are late from work again while working on that important project and you are too exhausted to give her the thrills she's used to when you do get home late at night. She may be a good person with a big heart and as looking to a future with you with sincerity. But you have come from different worlds with different rules and different boundaries and different meanings attached to some very fundamental building blocks of the human experience. The only predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She has admitted sex with 32 guys which means she has had some form of other sexual contact with dozens more that she's not admitting. She either has a very open and casual view of sexuality in which case it may be just a few years before she is wanting to have some kind of open marriage or swinging (and I am a former swinger so it's not like I am knocking that) so she can indulge her appreciation for sexual variety. Or she has some kind of dysfunction or some kind of issue with impulse control or has some kind of drug/alcohol issue that made it so that she wasn't enforcing any kind of standard boundaries and racked up those kinds of numbers at that age. Again, the issue isn't the numbers themselves, I've been with well over a hundred to one degree or another myself so it's not that I automatically think numbers spell bad outcomes. The issue is what kind of conditions and attitudes and beliefs went into that kind of lifestyle and how different is that lifestyle to the one that you want to have?
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 The issue is: 1. A person with an extremely high number may see sex as no big deal. If they see sex as no big deal; could they be more prone to cheat when the relationship hits a low?
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