Should I propose to gf despite her past

March 6, 2012

My story: I'm in a 4 year-old relationship and I really love her, want to spend my life with her and settle down. I feel ready by now.

The only problem is she told me about her past (unfortunately her number is 32 which is pretty high for a 25 year-old) when we were already in out 2nd into the relationship. This sucks because by then I already fell in love. But she did seem guilty hiding this from me, she sounded like she was on the verge of crying when revealing me all that. Honestly, I would have dump her if I had known about this in the very beginning.

She's perfect in every way except that number. I trust her but I just wanna get past this (thing is I'm the same age but only had 6 past gfs, never had ONS nor hook-ups).

I guess this is what happens when you asked too much. You get it in the end but with flaws.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Trumpeted

March 6, 2012

Why does her past matter? Does her banging whomever before you two were together change the fact that in the end she wanted you for a relationship that has lasted this long?

How is this a flaw?

March 6, 2012

Why does her past matter? Does her banging whomever before you two were together change the fact that in the end she wanted you for a relationship that has lasted this long?

How is this a flaw?

My partners were only relationships so I never was into banging random women. In my younger years I always thought of people with high numbers as trash (when I was a virgin, if the girl wasn't a virgin I would dump her right away). I wouldn't even give those type of women a look and always walked away in disgust.

But now it's like I'm eating my words, only I didn't know about it then.

March 6, 2012

Well, if you are always going to hold it over her head and look at her as some kind of damaged goods, please don't propose to her. If she is as perfect as you say she is, she will find a man who does not hold her past against her and live a happy life full of love.

March 6, 2012

I wouldn't question the number game so much as question her characteristics and traits as a person. Is she capable of fidelity? Has she ever cheated on an ex? etc.

Numbers rarely equate to promiscuity, and leans towards a high libido.

Again, what she did in her past has nothing to do with you and you cannot judge as a person in terms of something that doesn't involve. Accept her for her past actions and be content or let her go and let her find someone else who can overlook her past.

March 6, 2012

Well, if you are always going to hold it over her head and look at her as some kind of damaged goods, please don't propose to her. If she is as perfect as you say she is, she will find a man who does not hold her past against her and live a happy life full of love.

I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your life with high standards. I love her still, don't wanna lose her.

March 6, 2012

My partners were only relationships so I never was into banging random women. In my younger years I always thought of people with high numbers as trash (when I was a virgin, if the girl wasn't a virgin I would dump her right away). I wouldn't even give those type of women a look and always walked away in disgust.

But now it's like I'm eating my words, only I didn't know about it then.

I'd agree that if you will hold it against her then let her go and find someone who has always held the same morals as you. If she's cheated on you then that is different, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your life with high standards. I love her still, don't wanna lose her.

Just think of the perfect girl you would have considered trash before if you had known some meaningless number. Like you, I am not one to sleep around and have only been intimate while in relationships... but my standards are for myself. Her standards of what to do outside of a relationship are different than yours; but what matters is that your standards in a relationship match up.

March 6, 2012

I wouldn't question the number game so much as question her characteristics and traits as a person. Is she capable of fidelity? Has she ever cheated on an ex? etc.

Nope she hasn't. She had few relationships and the others were when she was single (usually ONS or friends with benefits).

Again, what she did in her past has nothing to do with you and you cannot judge as a person in terms of something that doesn't involve. Accept her for her past actions and be content or let her go and let her find someone else who can overlook her past.

Ok I'll keep that in mind. I never really thought I would fall for a woman with a promiscuous past. Now I know how they must feel not being able to find a relationship and getting treated as easy girls. So they don't tell you till later on when enough time was invested.

But I'm gonna let it go as it's not really doing me any good thinking about it. I guess there are exceptions to the rule afterall. I do want her in my life.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Trumpeted

March 6, 2012

I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your life with high standards. I love her still, don't wanna lose her.

There you go again - you are implying that being with this girl is not up to your "high standards."

Frankly, I'm not thinking very highly of you. If this was such a problem for you, why didn't you walk 2 years ago when she told you? I bet that she's been thinking that you accepted her and loved her as she really is all this time, and that you had a future together, or why would this have dragged on for 2 more years?

And, no wonder she waited to tell you and seemed like she felt guilty when she did. She probably knows you well enough to realize that you'd look down on her.

I'm not kidding. There are wonderful, amazing men out there who are capable of giving their love to a great woman without holding her past against her. I am married to one. Your girlfriend deserves that. And you deserve … a girl with less prior sex partners.

March 6, 2012

I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your life with high standards. I love her still, don't wanna lose her.

Yecch - somehow that sounds weird, kinda arrogant. Like you have set yourself up on this pedestal, and in order to stay with this woman, you will have to lower your standards. I'm sure that would make her feel very nice.

All your life you would have dumped a woman who had a high number - believing that you were applying "high standards", and yet when one slipped through (who you say you would have dumped early on, had you known) you find that she turns out to be a fine quality woman in every other way.

How many other high-quality women did you rule out of your life along the way?

And given that you are considering abandoning your "standards" because of this person, were they really standards, or was it just a hangup over numbers? That may help you answer whether you can get past it if you stay together. If you still consider this an issue of morals and standards, is it really a sustainable path to stay with her? Can you really let it go? Or are you just going to bury your anxiety, let it fester, so that one day, under some other kind of marital stress, it pops back out again?

March 6, 2012

If you had had 32 partners prior to meeting her, would that have been a problem for you?

What if you male friend had that many partners and then met the girl of his dreams?

Would his feelings of love for his woman have been less valid?

I do not understand this double standard as it applies to women.

Generally, men exaggerate the number of partners they have had as it is semingly a status among other males; women reduce their numbers so as not to be thought of as loose and easy.

What a shame that you cannot appreciate the sexual experience she brings to the relationship ( I would in a life partner) and that, of all the men she has known, she fell in love and chooses to be with you!

If you really cannot get past the number then resentment will fester and poison this relationship. If you are secretly jealous that you did not have more partners, then call a time out and even the score.

March 6, 2012

And given that you are considering abandoning your "standards" because of this person, were they really standards, or was it just a hangup over numbers? That may help you answer whether you can get past it if you stay together. If you still consider this an issue of morals and standards, is it really a sustainable path to stay with her? Can you really let it go? Or are you just going to bury your anxiety, let it fester, so that one day, under some other kind of marital stress, it pops back out again?

Exactly.

OP, everyone is flawed. Including you.

Try flipping the script for a second. Supposing she saw your judgment of her as a possibly dealbreaking "flaw" and thought you were perfect in every way but that. Supposing, in other words, that she was the one who would have to decide whether to overlook your flaws and stay with you despite them.

Because that is what happens in relationships - we all have flaws, the question is whether they are really dealbreakers to the objects of our desire. Don't stay with someone only to tell her (and especially yourself) that you are lowering your standards to do it. What's the point of that?

If you really can't handle it, then you can't. That's fine. But that's not a flaw on her part. She is who she is, you are who you are. Please don't propose to someone while simultaneously expecting her to be grateful for your magnanimity. Blech. That will take you on a path to a very unequal and unhealthy relationship.

March 6, 2012

Well, if you are always going to hold it over her head and look at her as some kind of damaged goods, please don't propose to her. If she is as perfect as you say she is, she will find a man who does not hold her past against her and live a happy life full of love.

If you really can't handle it, then you can't. That's fine. But that's not a flaw on her part. She is who she is, you are who you are. Please don't propose to someone while simultaneously expecting her to be grateful for your magnanimity. Blech. That will take you on a path to a very unequal and unhealthy relationship.

This.

If it's a deal breaker for you, fine. But please let her go if you can't get over it.

March 6, 2012

I do not understand this double standard as it applies to women.

Actually I would also looked down at dudes bragging about all the girls they banged. I would changed the subject when one of friends tried to tell me about that and simply told him I'm not interested in hearing any of it, how I'm not impressed at all.

I used to believe that someone who respected him/herself would be selective in choosing.

If you are secretly jealous that you did not have more partners, then call a time out and even the score.

I don't see any meaning of banging random women at clubs. This was never my lifestyle.

March 6, 2012

Actually I would also looked down at dudes bragging about all the girls they banged.

The bragging would be the turn off for me, not the banging.

March 6, 2012

If you had had 32 partners prior to meeting her, would that have been a problem for you?

I suppose I would try to be honest at some point but yeah would have a hard time finding a relationship.

What if you male friend had that many partners and then met the girl of his dreams?

This did happened to my male cousin. He had a past just like my gf but when he told his Christian virgin gf, unlike me who is willing to overlook that, she end up dumping him right on the spot and went completely NC. Now I'm thinking that may have been kinda harsh.

March 6, 2012

I also think you need to be honest with her and tell her how you feel, if you haven't already. She has the right to make up her mind whether your attitude is a deal breaker for her, or indicates lack of compatibility.

March 6, 2012

My absolute limit for a woman of 25 is 31, so I'd have to let her go. Shame. Just one guy less and who knows.

March 6, 2012

It sounds like you two have different value systems. To be honest, if my husband had told me he had slept with 32 girls I would be very upset and not think that highly of it. I am very traditional, and have only been with guys who I have been in a serious relationship with. So I was looking for a partner with the same attitude and I found one in my husband.

That being said, I agree with all of the other posters that if this is something you can let go of then the relationship has a chance. But since you felt the need to post about it, obviously it still bugs you. So you need to re-evaluate the relationship and see if this difference in value systems COULD impact your future together.

March 6, 2012

My absolute limit for a woman of 25 is 31, so I'd have to let her go. Shame. Just one guy less and who knows.

Fair point. Now here's the thing. 31 men at age 25 is a 1.24 men per year ratio. What if she abstained until she was 26? If she can hold the line until she turns 26, then 32 men at age 26 puts her at a 1.231 men/year ratio, which brings her back down under your 1.24 threshold. Would that work for you?

March 7, 2012

Actually I would also looked down at dudes bragging about all the girls they banged. I would changed the subject when one of friends tried to tell me about that and simply told him I'm not interested in hearing any of it, how I'm not impressed at all. I used to believe that someone who respected him/herself would be selective in choosing. I don't see any meaning of banging random women at clubs. This was never my lifestyle.

I'd have to say that you and I are a lot alike based on what I'm reading about your values, although I'm probably a bit older. I would have felt the same way as you. But frankly, the time to walk away is when you found this out. To bring it up now seems pointless to me.

I don't know how women view multiple partners in their past. For men, my feeling is that the more promiscuous they are before settling down, the more likely they are to want more variety after marriage. Once you've had at taste of 31 flavors (to use an ice cream analogy) settling for vanilla is going to be difficult. That's not firm, but just how I've observed it over the years with regard to men. I don't know that females would view it quite that way however.

One could argue that if she never was with anyone except you, then she may always wonder what other men were like as the years go on. And perhaps because she has had this need to sleep with so many men prior to meeting you, maybe it's well out of her system by this point and she's concluded that you're the one she wants to spend her life with

If it were me, I'd have difficulty with it because of who I am. Not that I'm being judgmental, I'm just kind of a purist. I'd prefer a woman who has maybe had a couple of experiences, but I don't want her to be familiar with the entire football squad (that's a joke).

It's something you really have to decide. If you do move on and take her as your wife, you can't bring this up because it's got to be part of her past at that point. So you have to decide if you can live with it and if you can, go for it.

March 7, 2012

You say she is 25 and you've been with her for four years, so that means she slept with 32 guys by the time she was 21? Is that how I'm reading it? Either way, yikes.

Yes that's correct.

Honestly, she's probably slept with more - women will usually never give you the real number, especially someone as "experienced" as your girlfriend. Also, men will usually minimize the number when their girlfriends ask.

No they don't and in the beginning when I once asked, all she said was ''I've been in a couple of relationships, but that's all'' and immediately change the topic. I believed her then until she confessed 2 yrs later. At the point, I caught myself actually comforting her and saying how I still love her.

I haven't really told her how I've been thinking about her number and my feeling towards it. I don't wanna hurt her nor make her feel worst.

March 7, 2012

It's something you really have to decide. If you do move on and take her as your wife, you can't bring this up because it's got to be part of her past at that point. So you have to decide if you can live with it and if you can, go for it.

I think I'm ready to propose and get this over with.

March 7, 2012

It's been 4 years. What is she like now.

Who knows what she was thinking then. If she has been happily monogamous with you for 4 years, that counts for something. That tells a lot about her character, too.

You know her best. At heart, who is she? Not her past, or her "number", but who she is right now. Do you want to marry her?

March 7, 2012

Is your girlfriend pretty and small? Does she lack a strong father figure in her life?

Consider this: when you're a young, small vulnerable girl it's easy to get pressured into having sex when you didn't necessarily want to. Not saying she was date raped, but a lot of guys out there with try to guilt or emotionally manipulate a girl with a weak sense of self into the bedroom. And of she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad, she didn't even get the luxury of an advance warning.

Look at it this way: she cried when she told you. What's that tell you?

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Should I propose to gf despite her past

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