Senateguy Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I've never posted on this site, but I read all the threads a lot. Me and the ex broke up orginally in July of 2011 after dating for a year and a half. I'm 34 and she is 34. Like a chump - i talked about marriage and committment which obviously killed the challenge. It was weird, because when we first started dating she was all over me about pushing for a relationship. Following the break up she did some pretty crappy things. She hooked up with this guy who she was texting off and on the entire time we were dating. She use to hammer me about being insecure over it, saying it was odd that i couldn't handle it - then she hooks up with him which really stung. Anyways, following our break up we kind of wallowed for a few weeks in July and then i went straight no contact starting August 1st. In August is when she hooked up with the guy i was talking about. Anyways, i don't hear from her the entire month. About 5 weeks later in the first part of Septemeber, she texts something about a football game she knows i'm at....something like "Good luck today...Win Win!" i take a day to respond and then respond with something like "had a great time, hope you're doing well." As expected from reading this forum, no response. Back to No contact. Anyways a few weeks later, she texts again a longer more meaningful text and the short end of it is that we end up getting back together for two months. October and November. Like a moron i just jump full body into the love boat again and start planning trips. Took her on an overseas trip and had a decent time but in the back of my head i knew i was loosing her. We end up breaking up the first week of December and it was pretty rough. I went straight no contact again and two weeks after the break up she calls and wants to bring over a xmas gift. i don't return the call and two days later i text her and tell her that's not a good idea and that i dropped her stuff off at her apt complex. That was probably pretty rough on her but whatever. Anyways, over the entire month of janurary or so she contacts me here and there, sends me a card etc. Sends me texts about her parents missing me. Texts about how am i doing. LIke an idiot, i meet up with her on a few occasions and we sleep together. This happened three seperate times. But after every meet up she would go cold again. We would literally hang out all weekend - have sex and then monday she'd go cold with the "i think i need to date other people." The last incident was the first week of feb. Like a moron, i texted her friday night. She replied back. I picked her up and she came over. We slept together and spent the whole weekend together. We literally spent all day Saturday together then went to a movie Saturday night and then i spent the night on sat night at her place. We woke up sunday morning - kissed good bye and i went home. I then watched the super bowl at my moms and she called later that night - we talked and then she went to bed. The next day - Monday - she texts me and asks me what i'm up to. I tell her i'm getting off work and ask her if she wants to come over and i we end up hanging out. During the monday night we start talkign about the relationship again and she drops the "i need to date other people line" AGAIN. For some reason this time the rejection really stung. Maybe it was the great weekend we had and then to follow that up with the "i need to date other people line" just really hit me hard this time. So she left and then i called her up an hour later and told her that i need her to not contact me anymore for a while. I really need to get over this and my worst fear is not being over this come summer time. I told her "it's clear that you don't want to marry me. I need to move on." I have gone stone cold no contact from that date on. It's been 29 days and for some reason it's been really hard. I have to assume she is with another guy right? Girls never tell you they want to date other people if they don't have someone lined up? I don't know - im just struggling. It's been almost a month and i'm still pinning. The first break up was last year for god sakes, why am i still pinning for someone that treats me so poorly. I guess my questions are ....is the no contact affecting her at all? I haven't heard one peep from her. When will i get over this crap? Is she with another guy? I'm 29 days into no contact and I find myself driving by hers stupid apartment and crap. I feel like a psycho. I have not contacted her in any way shape or form though. For some reason i just can't get past this crap. Thanks for any help.
jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi there, It sounds like you really got used through the end of this relationship. She knew she had no interest in being committed to you, but managed to get an overseas trip and lots of (probably really great/passionate) sex out of it. You deserve so much better than someone who treats like you. You need to be glad that this relationship is over. However, you need to recognize that you brought this upon yourself. For future reference, your self-respect can totally prevent someone treating like you that. Read around the forums here; there is a ton of great advice about how to move on from the end of a relationship. You will need time to heal (depends on the person), but if you focus on yourself and improving your situation, becoming the person you want to be, you WILL move on and feel better about life. You'll find someone new eventually, too. From now on, absolutely no contact. Even if she calls begging, even if she turns up at your place and jumps all over you. Resist any urge to drive by her place or "accidentally" run into her. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself that you deserve better than to feel like a crazy person, trying to find out what she's doing. Super simplified version of the process 1) cut her out of your life completely. Do not set a time limit on this... someday a long time from now, you may want to get in touch again. That is not in the foreseeable future, so forget about it. 2) focus entirely on yourself, your friendships and family relationships, your health, and your goals at this point in time. 3) be prepared to keep the healing process going. Talk through the emotions with close friends, let out the pain (crying, journaling, etc.) in healthy ways. You will know when your heart has caught up to your head and you are ready to begin feeling "whole" again. Good luck... you are not alone in this process. Stick around here and post when you need to rant, need advice, or feel tempted to return to the pain that she brings.
Better_Days Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hey SenateGuy, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm not sure this make sense because I'm 26 and haven't reached the level how 34yr would think (as more things involved in a relationship such as marriage/future). I think the reason why she keeps saying "i need to see some else" everytime is because she wants to get married and settle down but does not see that in you. To her, you could be a fun guy she can have fun and hang out and forget about her problems. But when the fun is over and comes down to reality and asks herself about the marriage and the future, you might not be the guy she wants. Maybe this is why she keeps saying "i need someone else" at the END of fun. I also think that you are attached to her too much when you know it cannot continue. You have done very well for not contacting her for 29days and you should definitely continue. Think about how much pain you felt when you made the mistake to go back and got cold treated afterwards. Try to focus on something else like working out and getting in a shape. Better_Days
Chi townD Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Sorry dude. You got played. She sounds like a girl that can't be single. So, she was cooling her heels until she thought something better was coming along. Stay NC. You want the truth? She's sooo shallow that she probably isn't thinking about you. Stay NC. Heal. It's only been a short time, and it's going to take some time to get over her. But you will.
CaliBabe Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Wow, I have to agree. It sounds like you got used pretty badly and I am sorry for that. You did give too much of yourself away too soon which it sounds like you already know. I commend you for making it 29 days NC, that is not easy. If this NC is bother her or not is no longer your concern. Just continue to do you and better yourself. By 3 months, you will be so strong. Keep at it, and really show her that you are not a doormat and you deserve respect. Good luck man.
Author Senateguy Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Hey SenateGuy, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm not sure this make sense because I'm 26 and haven't reached the level how 34yr would think (as more things involved in a relationship such as marriage/future). I think the reason why she keeps saying "i need to see some else" everytime is because she wants to get married and settle down but does not see that in you. To her, you could be a fun guy she can have fun and hang out and forget about her problems. But when the fun is over and comes down to reality and asks herself about the marriage and the future, you might not be the guy she wants. Maybe this is why she keeps saying "i need someone else" at the END of fun. I also think that you are attached to her too much when you know it cannot continue. You have done very well for not contacting her for 29days and you should definitely continue. Think about how much pain you felt when you made the mistake to go back and got cold treated afterwards. Try to focus on something else like working out and getting in a shape. Better_Days Yea - this is probably a pretty spot on analysis. I think what has kept me in this defeative loop is when the relationship started out she was so into me. Begging me to be her boyfriend. Askign about moving in. But i got insecure and the upper hand went away and the whole thing went into the toilet. Since then - yea - she has just been using me. No other way to see it. Man - the responses make me more depressed. Ha. oh well - the truth hurts. I guess it's safe to assume there is another guy right? I mean, yea i told her not to contact me anymore and that i need to get over this, but that wouldn't really stop her would it? I hate how i even care. Edited March 6, 2012 by Senateguy
Fitz Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yeah, she's playing the field. It's like musical chairs -she wants to play the game but she doesn't want to get caught without a chair to sit on. You are one of many "chairs" in her life now. So when the music stops, and she sees that you're available then she'll run to you. But if there's another available chair that she likes better than you, then she'll choose that one over you (because she still is playing the game). I'm in a similar situation (a month of NC with my ex-GF) so it can be hard, but you should know that there is no other option. As I see it, unmarried women in their mid thirties can go a little crazy. 40 is looming over their heads, and biological clocks are ticking, and there is an endless supply of younger female competition. I'm 34 and my ex-GF is 35. She was a complete angel until her mid thirties. Then she started sleeping around and broke up with me to be the "other woman" with a married doctor. And now she's determined to break up this Doctor's marriage and marry the guy. So be wary of girls playing games, especially ones in their mid 30's.
Author Senateguy Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Yeah, she's playing the field. It's like musical chairs -she wants to play the game but she doesn't want to get caught without a chair to sit on. You are one of many "chairs" in her life now. So when the music stops, and she sees that you're available then she'll run to you. But if there's another available chair that she likes better than you, then she'll choose that one over you (because she still is playing the game). I'm in a similar situation (a month of NC with my ex-GF) so it can be hard, but you should know that there is no other option. As I see it, unmarried women in their mid thirties can go a little crazy. 40 is looming over their heads, and biological clocks are ticking, and there is an endless supply of younger female competition. I'm 34 and my ex-GF is 35. She was a complete angel until her mid thirties. Then she started sleeping around and broke up with me to be the "other woman" with a married doctor. And now she's determined to break up this Doctor's marriage and marry the guy. So be wary of girls playing games, especially ones in their mid 30's. Yup - you're exactly right. It's a bunch of jockeying going on. They want the rich older man with status, but they are worried they'll get left with nothing if they risk it. So they do this dance where they lead you around until they find something better.
goldengirl11 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Yup - you're exactly right. It's a bunch of jockeying going on. They want the rich older man with status, but they are worried they'll get left with nothing if they risk it. So they do this dance where they lead you around until they find something better. I think convenience may play a part too. Hence if the new person they like they are bumping into a lot whereas with you they have to make the effort to go and see (e.g out of sight out of mind), I think it is easier to be put on the backburner. A similar yet painful thing happened with me and don't think this male will be available to me again until this 'chair' breaks it off, or he gets bored with her at least. I am trying to meet someone else but it's not easy, hence being out of work at the mo and not really having any single friends to go out with. Have tried salsa a couple of times recently which thought may be a good way to meet men, but don't really feel it's me tbh. Nevertheless, suppose had better stick with it?! I am also in my early/mid thirties. Edited March 6, 2012 by goldengirl11
fetish1980 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yea - this is probably a pretty spot on analysis. I think what has kept me in this defeative loop is when the relationship started out she was so into me. Begging me to be her boyfriend. Askign about moving in. But i got insecure and the upper hand went away and the whole thing went into the toilet. Since then - yea - she has just been using me. No other way to see it. Man - the responses make me more depressed. Ha. oh well - the truth hurts. I guess it's safe to assume there is another guy right? I mean, yea i told her not to contact me anymore and that i need to get over this, but that wouldn't really stop her would it? I hate how i even care. Do yourself a huge favor bro. Don't worry about if she's with another guy or not. Whether she is with someone else or not is something you have completely no control over. Just worry about making yourself stronger. When she does call again, you won't be so quick to jump because you'll see more clearly who she is and what her motives are. She only contacts you for her convenience and to boost her ego. Take it as that. fetish
Author Senateguy Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Do yourself a huge favor bro. Don't worry about if she's with another guy or not. Whether she is with someone else or not is something you have completely no control over. Just worry about making yourself stronger. When she does call again, you won't be so quick to jump because you'll see more clearly who she is and what her motives are. She only contacts you for her convenience and to boost her ego. Take it as that. fetish Thanks man - i appreciate the support. One thing i can say is that the three week mark of NC is the hardest point. It's like the addiction is just raining on you. Feels like you're coming off of heroin. after four weeks you aren't fully healed by any stretch, but you definitely feel better then before. The 3rd week is the hardest week.
Author Senateguy Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) I can't get over the hot and cold. If you don't want to be with me why don't they just leave. Wanted to bring over a xmas gift. Hit me up on NYE. Sent me a card with the xmas gift i didn't take. Texted me from her trip to LA. Texted me how her family misses me. Totally freaking crazy. The hot and cold was so extreme. Has sex with me multiple times over the weekend, we make breafest, go to the movies. She spends the night and literally falls asleep in my arms. Then you throw down the "I just think i need to date other people." It's like bipolar behavior. She just ropes me in and then spits me out. Any reason why the extremes? Edited March 6, 2012 by Senateguy
fetish1980 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I can't get over the hot and cold. If you don't want to be with me why don't they just leave. Wanted to bring over a xmas gift. Hit me up on NYE. Sent me a card with the xmas gift i didn't take. Texted me from her trip to LA. Texted me how her family misses me. Totally freaking crazy. The hot and cold was so extreme. Has sex with me multiple times over the weekend, we make breafest, go to the movies. She spends the night and literally falls asleep in my arms. Then you throw down the "I just think i need to date other people." It's like bipolar behavior. She just ropes me in and then spits me out. Any reason why the extremes? I know how hard it is to let someone you love go. Believe me, I'm a year out of an 8 year r/l and when we broke up, I felt like someone close to me had just died. The fact of the matter is, you lose value to her each time you see her/hang out with her. She begins to brand you as a safety net and thinks you will always be available. They may not come out and say it or even think it to themselves, but in their sub-conscience, they lose respect the more available you are. Now if you blew her off or told her you were busy when she throws that bone, you would be the first thing on her mind. Her next step would be to reel you back in by using guilt and other manipulation tactics. Unfortunately, that's the irony on how things usually work, we want things we can't have. fetish
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