Just broke up...I need some help here.

[Better_Days]

Hi everyone, I am new to this community here.

 

I was searching on Google in a hope that I will find a real reason why my ex-gf has broke up with me and I found out about this community. So I decided to give a shot and ask some of you about my concern.

 

To begin, me and my ex had been together for 3 years. We did fight few occasions but less than 5 times in 3 years so we really got along and loved each other. So when my ex told me that she wants to break up, it really surprised me and got me into thinking all these possibilities why would she do this all of the sudden.

 

The story begins about 2 weeks ago, when we went on a 2 day vacation(?) and had lots of fun and came back. When we got back, we both knew that I have to study for my midterms which was in about 10 days later. So she told me that she would not bother me studying (by this, she meant calling me/or coming to see me) which was nice of her, letting me focused on school. This happened 2 times previously every time I had midterms/or exams to study for. So I thanked her but we would still txt here and there like in the morning or before sleep.

 

Now there is this guy, a friend of her, tried to get her a job at where he works, and she was happy for a while after doing interviews and whatnot. This was happening during my studying time (10 days). And during those 10 days, she would let me know that she is going to chill with this guy and another guy who is friend with both her and him (guy hooking up job). So that was fine, I said no problem. After a day or so, she would tell me stories about this guy, mainly his relationship problem how his ex cheated on him but he later accepted her back and stuff. Also told me that his ex gets jealous when my ex text him about the interviews and stuff, and he likes the fact that she gets jealous.

 

Anyway, after my midterms, I saw her for the first time after 10 days, I felt so weird. It felt so different about her. I cannot describe this but some kind of feeling that she is just not the same. I brought it up by saying you seemed different today but she told me she is just tired and stressed. This day, she brought it up that we are not going to have sex today. Was weird for her to brought it up. Normally I would ask her then she would give me replies but she was never the first one to bring it up.

 

2 days later when I was at work, she called me to ask me that if we can chill on Monday instead of today (Sunday). Sunday is the day we chill always. So I asked her why and she said she wants to save gas money (which didn't make sense). So I thought that she thought we will chill sunday AND monday so she wants to save gas money by not seeing me on sunday. So I asked her what she is going to do today, and she said she will go to a mall with that guy who tried to hook her up with a job. I told her, Im not really cool with that because I believe that all guys think the same, and I know going to a mall with another girl means something. She made jokes saying how I'm jealous and what not but I wasn't in the mood to laugh about it so I hung up on her. Remaining of the day, we did not talk/txt.

 

Nexy day (yesterday), she sent me text that it's not working out for her between us and said sorry and broke up. I was mad and surprised that she wanted to end 3yr relationship over that argument so I just replied saying fine. I got home and thought about it throughout the day and bunch ****s went through my head like what could be the real reason. All my friends said it must be the guy, either cheating, or has at least some kind of influence on her making the decision. So at night, I decided to call her. When she picked up the phone, she sounded completely fine like just regular day or something, but I didn't say anything about it. So I told her that it's really not good that we broke up over a text and at least be honest and talk about why we are breaking up.

 

She told me that she is just not happy these days, matter of a fact she said she was never happy past 3 years and she never told me about it. She said there were happy times but also not happy times but just never told me about it. She also said, she was bored with relationship and how it was becoming routine. And sorry that she hurt my feeling.

 

So that's how it ended and some things are not clear and don't make sense to me. Throughout 3 years, she always told me how much she loves me, and we would talk about marriage and what not. And was so sudden to break up and told me the reason is she was never happy.

 

So I searched some google sites and found that girls would plan and wait for a fight to occur and break up. And that the reason why she wouldnt' tell me real reason is because she doesn't wanna hurt my feeling too much.

 

What you guys think? you think it's the new guy? or simply what she's telling me is true.

 

At this point, doesn't really matter because what's done is done. I just want to hear some opinions and clear up the issues here so that if afterall, way I treated her was wrong, then I know that I won't make the same mistake again with next my relationship (hopefully).

 

 

Thanks for reading my story.

Better_Days

[Philosoraptor]

Well she is painting the relationship black in order to justify what she is doing... but yea, she's going to get with this guy. Just let her go and do not make any sort of unnecessary contact.

 

Begin working on yourself and figure out where you want to go in your life from this point. Looking back will get you nowhere, so keep your eyes focused and do whatever it takes to make your own dreams come true.

[jus d'orange]

Hi Better_Days,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about the way your relationship came to an end. It does seem really sudden and odd; my guess is that either there are details that you didn't notice or are yet unwilling to acknowledge about how the relationship began to fall apart.

 

Almost certainly, this other guy is part of the reason she ended the relationship. For her to say it's been 3 years of not being happy seems like she's justifying it to herself; she's just not feeling very warm to you (perhaps bored) at the moment and is intrigued by this new guy. This doesn't make her a bad person, but it does ruin a loving relationship between the two of you.

 

Frankly put, it sucks when someone fails to see the value of a longterm relationship with serious investment of emotions, and destroys it for something as silly as a new guy or perhaps a bit of uncertainty and boredom. I wouldn't say that it's wrong/right, but it IS what has happened and you seem to understand that very well (good for you!).

 

Ironically, I think you will be better off in this situation; you should not want to be with someone who would leave you in such a manner (if indeed there was as little wrong as you described, or perhaps there was a lack of passion). I would not be surprised if she goes through this fling with a new guy, or whatever she's up to, and then "comes to her senses" about you.

 

The best advice you can get here is to cut all ties with her (social media, delete her number from your phone, etc.) and get used to living entirely without her in your life. You will undoubtedly need time to heal. Time heals all wounds, but it only works if you allow the wounds to heal and don't pick at them by trying to bring the past back into the present. This time will vary for everyone. Attitude is everything -- if you work to come to see the breakup in a positive, forgiving, peaceful manner, you will heal and move on more easily. As a result, you will also learn a huge amount about yourself and have the opportunity to decide who the "new" you will be. Simply put, take the breakup as an opportunity to be "in love" with yourself; invest all your time and energy into your interests and health. Get in serious shape, try new things you've always wanted to, recommit to relationship with family and friends, put time and energy into your passions, consider a new look for yourself, etc.

 

Do all of this for yourself; it is tempting to want to move on and become a stronger person to "impress your ex," but this is just a sign of continued dependence on them for self-respect. Ultimately, if you follow through with this self-investment, you will find that you don't need her in any way.

 

As for the future and any hopes of reconciliation, recognize that any future relationship with this girl would require her to demonstrate a new sense of commitment. This would take a long time for her to learn, so you needn't worry about a serious reconciliation for a long time. Rather, think of it this way: if you move on and follow the aforementioned strategies, take time to learn from the relationship, you will be in a better place for any future love relationships you have. One day, you may reconnect with your ex when both of you have healed completely from the relationship. At that point, it would be possible, were you both interested, to rekindle a relationship with a more mature point of view and a sense that it was a NEW relationship, not a return to where you left off.

 

More importantly, you need to recognize that you can/will have new loves in your life, and that they will be better relationships than this one was, because of what you will have learned. You deserve better; you deserve to be happy. Now just go make it happen! Best of luck to you.

[Better_Days]

Philosoraptor and just_d'orange,

 

Thanks guys for your thoughts. I guess afterall, I knew the answer all along. It's hard for me to accept that after all these years, and just a day before we had an argument, she was telling me how much she loves me and all. It seems like she was faking it all long and surprised me knowing what kind of person she is.

 

I couldn't sleep at all last night but after reading you guy's comments, I guess what I have to do from now on is clear. It will be hard but I'll just have to do it I guess.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Better_Days

[ThatDudeXO]

I think with the new guy taking her out, doing stuff with her and finding her a job is showing her this false sense that he is better for than you are. You neglected her in a way, which is not to say you were wrong, I think it's completely sensible you needed to cool things down to study. I like that you did that but she may have not seen it this way.

 

She is basically having fun with this guy doing stuff (just as friends of maybe more) that she didn't get to do with you.

 

I think she is being selfish and has shown a lack of commitment. Much like my ex, she says she isn't happy and never let you know she wasn't happy, which I think is totally unfair. If a partner isn't happy and breaks up before even trying to make it work, they're not worth your time and love.

 

My only advice with you is to say all that you want to say to her then go to absolute NO CONTACT.

 

The sooner you go NC the better, you need to heal yourself and become independent, which in turn will make her miss you and regret breaking because I refuse to believe she won't regret breaking up a 3 year relationship over small issues like this.

[Better_Days]

Hey, ThatDudeXO, thanks for your thoughts.

 

You mentioned that I neglected her in a way (about the studying), but what is funny is that I've done that 4~5 times before everytime I had midterms/exams and it was her idea to do so not mine, so I accepted and thanked for her understanding.

 

NO CONTACT sounds easy but will be tough.

 

Thanks for your thoughts ThatDudeXO.

 

Better_Days

[KathyM]

I'd say (and I'm just guessing here, since we don't really know the real reason that she broke up with you) she's seeing a difference in how this new guy behaves and she's comparing it to you. Maybe he is more lighthearted, more fun, more easygoing, more whathaveyou, and that's making you look not as desirable in her eyes, so when you blew up and hung up on her, that kind of solidified her thinking that you are not the one for her. That would be my guess, anyway. You sound like a pretty serious guy. Sometimes people are drawn to the lighthearted types. You shouldn't have put these restrictions on contacting you during midterms, and you shouldn't have hung up on her. I also don't think it works to allow your gf to go out with other guys, just as friends, because romantic feelings can develop if you spend enough time with a person you are attracted to.

[Better_Days]

Hey KathyM.

I thought about exact same thing that you mentioned about she could be seeing things about this guy and comparing with me.

About the restrictions, it was her ideas not mine. Don't you find it little weird that she puts herself into that situation and chills with another guy?

I know that I shouldn't have hung up on her but I was upset. But I find that a small reason to break up.

I guess Iam a serious guy, although I try to be easy going.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Better_Days

[KathyM]

Hey KathyM.

I thought about exact same thing that you mentioned about she could be seeing things about this guy and comparing with me.

About the restrictions, it was her ideas not mine. Don't you find it little weird that she puts herself into that situation and chills with another guy?

I know that I shouldn't have hung up on her but I was upset. But I find that a small reason to break up.

I guess Iam a serious guy, although I try to be easy going.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Better_Days

I reread your OP. Yes, I see you said it was her that suggested limited contact during midterms so you could study. I missed that, since your post was pretty long. But regardless of whose idea it was to limit contact during that time, that kind of opened the door for her to spend more time with this other guy. The hang up was only the straw that broke the camel's back. She was already interested in the other guy, and it was his presence that made her decide you are not what she wants. She must have seen something in him that made you seem less desirable. If he's taking such an interest in her and helping to find her a job, that can be pretty impressive to her.

[leoc1973]

hey man sorry for what you are going through. You will read on this site hundreds of guys that were dumped out of the blue. The girl always says she was unhappy for some time and there is always some other guy lurking around the corner.

 

You said something about her complaining about this guys girlfriend cheating on him and then him accepting her back later. Obviously she was feeling you out to see if you would accept her back if she cheated on you. What was your response to her telling you about that? Did you tell her that you would do the same? Or did you not really talk about it much?

 

Almost all relationships go through those "hard times" and so many women jump on another guy as soon as she is a little bored. I guess there is a bright point in this. You now know that she isn't a keeper. She will do this to you again and again. I wasted 6 years with a girl that did it to me 3 times.

 

Philosopiraptor is right. She is painting the whole relationship black to justify it in her head because if she thought of the relationship as great and just recently bad she would feel guilty like she is jumping ship at the first sign of a bad point.

 

I really HATE to tell you this because I don't want you waiting around for her but Look up GIGS on this site. I think Homebrew and Smokeybear have some really good reads for you.

[Chi townD]

The moment she canceled plans with you to hang out with another guy should have spoken volumes to you. Sorry, but she was cheating on you. You already got the vibe from her after the 10 days you took to study.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if she's dating this douche rocket already. And you can confront her on this if you want...but I can already tell you what she's going to say. "He isn't the reason we broke up, I wasn't happy for the last three years." She's already re-written your relationship to justify it in her head that dumping you was the right thing to do. Trying to ease her guilt with what she was doing by convincing herself that she wasn't happy.

 

Go NC, dude. Block her on Facebook and go completely dark on her. You didn't deserve to be treated like this, and she needs to know that she DID hurt you.

[CaliBabe]

Better Days,

I am so sorry for the way things ended between you. It seems like you have your priorities in order, you are putting your education first and you work, keep doing that. It seems to me like she is just infatuated by this new guy. He is giving her attention and she likes it. I think he is possibly using her to get HIS ex jealous which is sad. Be strong and also try to appreciate that you found this out now, after 3 years instead of 30 years down the line. You are better off without her. You deserve someone who will appreciate you. Good luck and happy healing.

[Better_Days]

KathyM: I guess you are right. Thanks.

 

Leoc1973: Thanks for your reply.

When she was telling me about that guy, she DID ask me that what I would do, and I told her that I would not accept her. And she just said oh and changed subject.

Sorry that you went through this stuff 3 times.

I will look up GIGS but not sure what that is.

Thanks

[Better_Days]

Chi_TownD, CaliBabe

 

Thanks guy for your thoughts and advice.

 

And thank you everyone for your care.

It means a lot to me.

 

Thanks

Better_Days

[flitzanu]

this girl you were seeing, is she by chance 19-24 years old?

[DisGai]

Hi Better_Days,

Do all of this for yourself; it is tempting to want to move on and become a stronger person to "impress your ex," but this is just a sign of continued dependence on them for self-respect. Ultimately, if you follow through with this self-investment, you will find that you don't need her in any way.

 

First off, I really appreciate your encouraging replies, jus d'orange. I've been lurking a bunch of these threads and I'm always comforted by what you have to say (even if it's essentially the same message every time).

 

I'm on my 5th week of NC with my ex who broke up with me, and I've been taking steps towards "becoming a stronger person." But I constantly have mixed feelings; I can't say for sure whether I'm becoming stronger truly for myself, or to "impress my ex." Is there anything that I can tangibly do to truly focus on myself?

 

Better_Days, I really feel for you and the pain you are enduring. She may have done you a favor by ending things with you, as hard as it might be to believe it. Perhaps this breakup was necessary for you to develop your individuality and self-confidence. And perhaps this may draw you closer to her in the end. Or perhaps you will find a woman who is perfect for you and appreciates you for who you are. In the end, life can only get better. Best of luck, God bless, and keep your head up!

[2tell]

Hello my friend better_days,

 

I understand your problem due to the fact I been through almost the same thing my self. In my case I went on a bussines trip for couple of weeks and when I got back my Ex broke up with me, she said she was lonely blahblah this and that, later on i found out that she was seeing my friend... SO! Look at it this way, its better now than later. Imagine that you graduated and maybe got married to this girl, then you'll be busy with work or what not while this girl is going behind your back seeing other guys. You dont want that stuff in your life.

 

Now the answers you need now is, not why she broke up with you. It already happened, so theres no point of worrying and asking over and over why? who? where? What you need to be thinking is When? when are you going to let it go, and start over a new leaf. People are married for 20+ years get devorced all the time. So, start off by seeing what have you missed in the pass three years that now you can catch up on. Friends, family, your self. Go out more with friends, meet new girls, plenty of fish in the sea.

 

You need to show her that it did not effect you at all, show her that you are happy, and your life is perfect with or without her. Why? because she does not care how you feel, why should you care how she feels? Let her be happy with her new friend, sooner or later she will realize what she has lost, and it will be more shocking to her even to learn that your life has not changed one bit, hell! maybe by then you'll have a real women that knows the value of love.

 

My friend, in life we experience a lot of events that could slow us down, maybe it will be harder for you to smile, BUT when you overcome all those weaknesses you will be a proud man, you will look back at this and say "Im glad shes not in my life".

 

At the end, you are the real winner, nobody wants a fake person as a partner in life, she could've been the mother of your kids do you really want that? The real challenge is, when she does crowl back to you on her knees and beg, what would you do?

 

I hope you do the right thing. God bless, hope you feel better soon, my friend. Take a shot for me, and put back those days behind you. You have a long healthy life ahead of you. Work towards that.

[2tell]

I'd say (and I'm just guessing here, since we don't really know the real reason that she broke up with you) she's seeing a difference in how this new guy behaves and she's comparing it to you. Maybe he is more lighthearted, more fun, more easygoing, more whathaveyou, and that's making you look not as desirable in her eyes, so when you blew up and hung up on her, that kind of solidified her thinking that you are not the one for her. That would be my guess, anyway. You sound like a pretty serious guy. Sometimes people are drawn to the lighthearted types. You shouldn't have put these restrictions on contacting you during midterms, and you shouldn't have hung up on her. I also don't think it works to allow your gf to go out with other guys, just as friends, because romantic feelings can develop if you spend enough time with a person you are attracted to.

 

I find those "restrictions" to be quite effecting in a sense of testing her for future trust. For example, our friend here is going away on a work trip for 10 days, that does not allow his wife/partner to be seeing other guys ONLY because my man is not here, does not mean i have the right to see other guys. Like i said earlier, the sooner you find out about how crazy they are, the better.

[Better_Days]

@flitzanu: yes she is

@DisGai: thanks for the kind words, i appreciate it!

@2tell: I'm sorry that you've been through same break-up. I guess you are right that it happened now that later as the damage would be way more. Although I would like to think positive way, we all know that it is easier said than being done. But I will definitely try.

 

thanks guys

Better_Days

[Better_Days]

But I constantly have mixed feelings; I can't say for sure whether I'm becoming stronger truly for myself, or to "impress my ex." Is there anything that I can tangibly do to truly focus on myself?

 

I was thinking the same. Earlier today, I felt so down so I decided to go workout. As I was running on the treadmill, I was thinking to myself that if I look hotter than now and one day if I ever run into her, then she would see my new look then hopefully feel bad for what she lost.

 

Then again, that is not really thinking for my self but to make my ex feel bad or I guess to "impress her".

 

I think the difference has to do with a lot of psychological thinking.

 

But what definitely helped was that when I was dead tired running on treadmill, only that moment when I was running out of breath, I didn't think about the breakup. Maybe I should run more

[zeldasayre]

I think I have been the girl in a similar scenario. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. I told him I wanted to take a break. Honestly, I feel out of love with him, and wasn't into the relationship anymore. We have opposite schedules, and I now live about 1.5 hrs away from him. So, it was difficult to spend time with one another. But, I had began to withdraw from the relationship as early as October.

 

I had wanted to end it since October, but wasn't sure how. I began speaking to someone else. It wasn't anything serious, and it was actually more like a friendship. Still, I saw potential in it. At that time, I knew I had to break it off with my boyfriend. So, I told him that things weren't working out. And, while I still hoped we could talk, I didn't think we should be in a relationship. I didn't tell him that I hadn't been happy since October, and I'm unsure if I should have. I doubt he had any ideas about that.

 

So, it's quite possible that she has started to develop feelings for someone else, but I don't necessarily think that she's with someone else. Sometimes, we do stay with people when we're unhappy because we are afraid for several reasons. The end to a relationship stinks, but, as cliche as it sounds, it's more hurtful to stay with someone for the wrong reasons. I hope that you are able to find some clarity, and move on to better things!

[Better_Days]

@zeldasayre

 

thanks for your thoughts. What you said is true and could be very well a reason to break up. Your point of view is clear also and the fact that is coming from a girl not a guy, it helps me to see more things that I couldn't. Thanks for sharing.

 

Better_Days

[Senateguy]

Hey man -

Yea, she is going to get with this guy if she hasn't already gotten with him. One thing girls do when they are about to cheat or are cheating that is really weird and is opposite of what a guy would do is that they talk about the guy in the open. It's almost like they have diarrhea of the mouth over the guy. They will say "john this and john that" or "can you believe john's ex did this?"

 

It's a really weird phenomenon, but girls mostly do it because they are trying to deflect their fear of getting caught. I think they believe that if they bring it up in the natural light of day, their behavior won't look as suspicious.

 

If you really want to find out what's up you need to figure out a way to hang out with her and then you need to figure out a way to check her text messages in her phone. I guarentee you it is lit up with texts from him. But do yourself a favor and look at the sent messages....that will be the telling side of the equation because you can get the tone in which she is talking to the guy.

 

One trick i do is when the go to the bathroom or if they run an errand. Another thing i'll do is take their phone when they aren't looking and then say I have to go to the car to get something. They might look for their phone will you step out but you can dodge the question about not knowing where it is. Then you just go into the bathroom and figure out a way to make it reappear.

 

But a word to the wise. You're going to find texts you don't want to see and it's going to mess you up. You just have to figure out how you want to confront it. If you tell her you went through her phone she will turn the tables and call you psycho.. You aren't' psycho. She is an untrustworthy pile of crap. Don't let her change the tune

[KathyM]

I find those "restrictions" to be quite effecting in a sense of testing her for future trust. For example, our friend here is going away on a work trip for 10 days, that does not allow his wife/partner to be seeing other guys ONLY because my man is not here, does not mean i have the right to see other guys. Like i said earlier, the sooner you find out about how crazy they are, the better.

I don't believe in "testing" a partner for future trust by allowing them to have serious "friendships" with an opposite sex friend. It brings other people into a relationship, and when that relationship is going through a tough time, stronger romantic feelings could develop between the partner and the friend if the partner confides in this opposite sex friend. I believe in establishing boundaries, protecting your relationship, not inviting risky situations into the scenario. The test of faithfulness is by being with someone who holds those same values as you, and who feels strongly about faithfulness and honor. Testing their fidelity by placing them in situations that make them susceptible to develop feelings for someone else is not the answer, and not what marriage counselors or relationship counselors recommend. It is recommended that you make efforts to protect your relationship from outside threats, and not invite them in or allow them to co-exist, because they are a temptation, and a threat to a relationship.

[amanda_emm]

Your relationship seemed a bit strange to me if I'm honest, if my boyfriend was studying even tho hed make time for me but if he really couldn't then I'd be at home by myself or I'd be at my girlfriends or invite my girlfriends over, I wouldn't ever hang with guys if my boyfriend wasn't there as well.

 

2nd if my boyfriend told me he was hanging with girls I'd cause an arguement untill he changed his mind or I'd finish the relationship there and then if he's happy enough with me with the only woman in his life then he doesn't need to hang around with girls when I'm not there!

 

Its someone new to her n every girl loves the start of a relationship (although it isn't that yet) but the flirting and the late night texts and fone calls just someone making that little more effort because 3 years is a long time and it naturally does loose that because us get more comfertable with one another, she's enjoying this new guys attension and the fact he's telling her about the previos relationships will make her feel special

 

She will realise in a few weeks and try contacting you again if I were u I'd tell her where to go. If she loved u she wouldn't do that I know I wouldn't! And if u really want to take her back if she does then make it difficult for her.

 

Don't let a girl walk over you and realise u should be the only man in her life after 3 years and she shouldn't want to spend time with guys unless us are spending time with guy friends together!