coffee.girl Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi Loveshackers, As per the thread title. I'm hoping to get some insight on whether you stay in touch with your ex (assuming you have no reason to, like kids), and if you do, how it has worked out for you. So back story is, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a little over a year ago (3.5 year relationship). It was an amicable breakup, and I think he (superficially) understood the reasons why I ended the relationship, but he was still very hurt/upset/lost about the whole deal. I was too, but being the initiator of the break-up I had longer to process the whole thing. I eventually went no-contact. This was punctuated by a few periods of low contact, where he reached out to me via text message or a phone call, but I quickly went no-contact again as I felt that any contact from me was met with a disproportionate response from him. For example, I would respond to one of his messages, and he would then send me a flood of messages for days on end, without me answering. What has prompted me to write this thread, is that he recently reached out to me again, and has asked me to dinner on a specific date "for friendship/to catch up." I have not yet responded. What would you do? Personally I feel that an ex, is an ex. We were never 'friends' before we dated, so I don't particularly want to pursue a friendship with him now. I have no interest in rekindling anything and am not really interested in keeping in touch. Admittedly I am a little curious about how is doing, but I feel that if I open that door he will take it as something more than it is. I am inclined to just ignore his invitation. But at the same time, is shutting him out of my life completely a selfish thing to do? Do I owe him anything? I don't know. Does anyone have any similar experiences?
USMCHokie Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I am inclined to just ignore his invitation. This is an excellent inclination. Personally I feel that an ex, is an ex. We were never 'friends' before we dated, so I don't particularly want to pursue a friendship with him now. I have no interest in rekindling anything and am not really interested in keeping in touch. Admittedly I am a little curious about how is doing, but I feel that if I open that door he will take it as something more than it is. Agree on ALL counts...I was in the situation he is in now...things ended with my ex two and a half years ago...spent a few months trying to get her back to no avail...then I emailed her on her birthday each of the past two summers...we chatted over email a few times back and forth each time...then she cut it off...and I'm sure glad she did...there was no need for us to be in contact, and although we did our life updates, we left it at that... And now I'm in a place where I won't be emailing her on her birthday anymore...and you owe it to this guy to let him reach that similar point where he won't need or want to "catch up" or keep in touch... But at the same time, is shutting him out of my life completely a selfish thing to do? Do I owe him anything? I don't know. It is far from selfish...trust me, you'll be doing him a favor...
Ursa Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I believe this is a call really dependent on individual circumstances. I have exes with whom I'm still friendly, and others who I expect to never hear of/from again. If either of you are having trouble letting go of more romantic emotions, you can't be friends. If you don't see the point of being friends, you can't be friends.
Author coffee.girl Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 And now I'm in a place where I won't be emailing her on her birthday anymore...and you owe it to this guy to let him reach that similar point where he won't need or want to "catch up" or keep in touch... It is far from selfish...trust me, you'll be doing him a favor... Thanks for your response, Hokie, I suspected as much. I am glad you managed to get to that point where you no longer want to keep in touch with your ex.... not an easy thing to do. I don't really want to keep in touch with my ex, and yet he still crosses my mind from time to time.
Author coffee.girl Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I believe this is a call really dependent on individual circumstances. I have exes with whom I'm still friendly, and others who I expect to never hear of/from again. If either of you are having trouble letting go of more romantic emotions, you can't be friends. If you don't see the point of being friends, you can't be friends. Thanks Ursa. I'm curious, are the exes that you are still friends with, friends because you had mutual friends/the same social circle? My ex and I didn't really have any mutual friends (which was an issue for me at the time... now it is a good thing, I guess!), which makes it easier to stay out of contact.
jenniechan Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I don’t want to stay in touch with him. Because, he is not worth of that.
Ursa Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks Ursa. I'm curious, are the exes that you are still friends with, friends because you had mutual friends/the same social circle? My ex and I didn't really have any mutual friends (which was an issue for me at the time... now it is a good thing, I guess!), which makes it easier to stay out of contact. No, mutual friendships aren't really an issue. I moved around a lot before I met my husband and settled down. One ex lives 2,000 miles away now, and it's been ten years since we were together (together about 2.5 years). Before he moved we would still meet up for a drink now and then, if we were single; I fixed him up with an acquaintance of mine once. We used to talk on the phone, now we just Facebook a little bit. We're busy with our real lives, but he's somebody I cared about, it's nice to know what's up with him. Whenever we're in each other's states we visit, I have met his live-in gf, he's met my husband and kids. It's easy because there's no burning torch there...there were a few embers, maybe, ten years ago, but they smothered out a long time ago. Another ex is pretty similar. We lived together, it broke off painfully and we couldn't be around each other right away, but we bumped into each other a couple years later and kept in touch. We also live in different cities now and we see each other maybe once a year. I really like his current live-in gf, I think she's a better match for him than I ever was, just as my husband is a better fit for me. It's just interesting to see how those guys have matured and changed over the years. It's nice to know they're still kicking in the universe, and to be on friendly terms with them. I'm super happy for them when they make real connections and achieve goals I know they've had for years. It probably only works because I am just not the kind of person who needs/wants to revisit/rehash old romances, it's just not even on my radar...but I am very loyal to my friends, and most of my relationships have been friendships as well. One guy I dated just a few times and nothing ever came of it, but we stayed friends, and NOW we have mutual friends because he came to live in my city and I introduced him to a few people. I'm going to his wedding in a few months.
Emilia Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks Ursa. I'm curious, are the exes that you are still friends with, friends because you had mutual friends/the same social circle? I think it's emotional strength and maturity from both sides that make contact possible. I'm 'friends' with most of my exes. Meaning we are not chummy and rarely talk but are facebook friends or text/call occasionally. One of them I see on a regular basis. You both have to be over the relationship though
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