shorty7 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi there, long time lurker, just recently started posting, first thread. I'm a female of late 20's, been in a long-term committed relationship (which currently has transitioned into long-distance relationship). Now, when I go out with friends and have a drink or whatever, I notice that men do approach to flirt with me. My problem: I don't know how to reciprocate properly. It almost SURELY turns awkward because I'm not used to being hit on, and I just don't know what to say back. I'm a classic "ugly duckling" / "late bloomer" type girl. Grew up under a rock with strict parents, thought I was ugly throughout high school and was never the popular type, never even purchased my own make-up 'til I was 25, the whole deal. NOW, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin this last couple years, I know I can make myself look a certain way, and I'm more open to experimenting on styles. Especially after I got my braces off and graduated from college (I dropped out for a few years and went back to finish) & now that I work at a retail clothing store on the side, I am more comfortable in clothes that make me look sexy and/or just fun for the sake of looking good. I still feel like I'm socially not adept at interacting with strangers in a bar or any other social setting. I've never been single in my 20's so I really don't know how to react when a guy comes up to me with lines (I'm also CLUELESS that men are trying to go for that unless it's REALLY obvious). So guys and gals, what are some flirting "etiquette" I should be aware of as a girl that "arrived alone, but not available" type situation? I'm not looking to cheat on my boyfriend but I do want to meet new people and would like to keep them interested enough to want to be friends and not have them thinking about putting their hands down my pants. Or am I being unrealistic? Do men really only approach when there's sex in mind?
USMCHokie Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Do men really only approach when there's sex in mind? It totally depends on the guy and the venue...if we're talking about a relatively attractive man in a night time bar/club setting, then more likely than not, his motivations are more sexual than platonic in nature... You're better off meeting new people through common interest groups and activities, e.g., intramural sports, running clubs, meetup groups, etc. There, you can develop friendships based on common interests rather than physical attraction... But if you are out with friends and just want to strike up conversations with people, then go right ahead! You can quickly tell who are the sleazy dudes who are just trying to get into your pants, as they really have nothing substantive to say...and you'll quickly get bored with them...because all they'll have is "lines," as you say...
cerridwen Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Flirting when one has a boyfriend is dicey stuff. Few men flirt strictly for fun in a bar scene so yes, you're being unrealistic. I'd follow Hokie's advice and look for friends elsewhere.
sid3 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yes, you are being unrealistic. Although, I haven't the slightest idea on what the proper ettiquette is for a person in a relationship when it comes to flirting with members of the opposite sex in bars and clubs. While I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to meet new people, your choice may not be the most productive, unless you are only wanting attention based on attraction. If that's the case, trying to minimize any guilt about having a BF by thinking there may be a way to disarm men's sexual desires won't work. I'd say your better off getting hit on, that's predictable and controllable, flirting on the otherhand can get intense really fast given the right circumstances.
zengirl Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I would say one in a relationship shouldn't intentionally flirt. That doesn't mean you cannot be playful or friendly or talkative with people of the opposite sex---it means you cannot attempt to arouse them or make them think of you sexually or romantically, and that doing it for an ego boost as "harmless fun" is not really harmless or smart when in a relationship. I think letting people know you're taken is just polite and you should leave flirting for the single gals. But that's just me. If guys want to be friends, they'll want to be friends even without flirting. (Which is not to say friendly truly platonic dynamics NEVER have anything that resembles 'flirting' to outsiders---they do, sometimes, but it's generally sincere playfulness, rather than true flirting IMO.)
Recommended Posts