jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi everyone, Thanks so much for the support over the last month. This place has been instrumental in me recovering from this breakup and getting my life back in order in a way that is allowing me to learn so much and take the break up as an opportunity to improve myself. In addition, I've found it therapeutic to help others here as they struggle with similar issues. It has now been over 6 weeks since I last saw my ex, 5 weeks since the breakup, and 5 weeks since we were last in touch. I am no longer in love, am no longer suffering, and have begun feeling as if the whole thing was a good thing to happen. I learned a lot from her, I have no hard feelings toward her... I feel at peace with it. I am still learning from what I remember of the relationship and the breakup, but doing so does not cause me pain. I have come to terms with the fact that, in all likelihood, she and I will never be lovers again. I am absolutely fine with that. I have begun really enjoying being single again. I am taking good care of myself, going to therapy, working out, dedicating myself to my passions, and changing my outlook on life, all for my own benefit. At first, I had it in my mind that she would be impressed by these things once she found out how strong I was being, but that no longer matters to me. It doesn't bother me if she never knows how I handled the breakup. I'd like there to be a friendship again someday, but I'm not concerned about when that will happen, only that it happens naturally and is a good thing for both of us. Anyway, in the past week, I've been spending more time with a girl I've known for a few years. She's been in my classes, we've always said hi, etc. I'm still getting to know her, but she's piqued my interest. She's fun, attractive, intelligent. At the moment, I don't know what she thinks of me, but we've just been hanging out and doing whatever. I have no concern or sense of hurry over any of this; I just want to be let the relationship be what it will be, because I don't know anything beyond what I've written here. However, should it start to develop into something more by itself, should I hold off for a while until I have spent more time being single? This is totally vague, but I'm just looking for input. I want to do the right thing here. I don't think this is exactly a rebound situation, but I want to make sure I'm not making some foolish mistake; this is totally new territory for me. Thanks!
Philosoraptor Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 If you truly believe you have healed then just be careful and very mindful of your feelings. If you feel yourself regressing at all then be respectful to this new person and don't dive in too deep. If it's smooth sailing, then just trust your heart.
Philosoraptor Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Now I don't mean to mess up our marital chances here, but I see not limit on when healing can be accomplished. It all depends on what one has been doing to heal. I've seen people come out of longer relationships in a month and those who refuse to heal take years to heal from a relationship of just a couple months. He seems to be in a much better place than most and has found peace with the situation. Without acceptance there can not be peace. He said he is willing to be patient with this and let it evolve naturally, which is admirable. He seems to be in an honest place with himself right now, but words can be read in many ways. My advice above still stands, if you feel like you're truly in the right place then go slow and be mindful of your feelings.
Philosoraptor Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Philo it's just my opinion based on human behaviours that I have witnessed. The OP is a very mature guy for his age and he will figure it out whether I am right or wrong..Just want to offer him an opinion that forces him to look inwards. If he is still happy on his current course of action then good luck to the guy.. Either way from reading his posts he is going to do just fine in life.. One can never have too many resources, and inward thinking leads to outward success. Good to point it out.
Author jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I really appreciate both of you responding. They both gave me a sense of clarity about the situation. I think that, if I let things move along naturally, that should also give me a chance to see if how I'm reacting is a result of buried feelings or a desire to move on too fast. I'll be mindful, but I've tried looking out for all the signs -- I don't feel like I compare her to my ex, etc. Anyway, if I get the sense that what I'm doing is too soon or just isn't right, I'll be careful. For now, we're just hanging out and doing whatever -- nothing even hinting at any sort of romance. As far as whether I was really in love... that's something that occurred to me, too. I felt very very strongly about this girl for 5 years. I went through a lot to be with her, was able to forgive her in bad times, reached some low places myself. However, there were also times of good, where she and I were together for long periods and it was very happy. The small stuff didn't matter; we just loved being together and were very passionate about it. I would think that the feelings I felt, and the sickness and hopelessness I felt for the few days after she left meant that I was truly in love. I almost felt guilty when I started feeling those feelings slipping away, but knowing that she no longer was in love with me helped me to get rid of that guilt. But who's to know what being in love is supposed to feel like? Maybe next time I'll feel even stronger about "her." All I know is that the feeling was the most profound I've ever felt in my life; all I knew to call it was being in love. In the end, the last few months of the relationship were really hard on me. Perhaps, without me knowing it, I was prepared for the worst emotionally as well, and was able to lose the feelings quickly. I just couldn't be in love with someone for very long who didn't want to be with me. Maybe because, at the start, I had been in love with someone who didn't want to be with me... my heart had just grown weary of the yearning.
M2155 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Just be upfront that you are recently out of a LT relationship and not ready to get into something serious. You are vunerable right now so it's easy to get caught up instead of being heartbroken. It does take time to get over a relationship, you progress over time. I have been "over" and "happy" for a while now but these days I am feeling EVEN MORE over him than I was before if that makes any sense. Before it was like oh well, his loss, maybe it's for the best. Now I am getting more indifferent and kinda thankful I can be with someone better. It's weird. Just be honest with yourself and the girl. It really is soon for you. I had a guy contact me right out of his separation and my alarm bells went off because I felt he was rebounding. I would have no problem hanging out with a guy who is not emotionally available just for fun if I know he is aware of his true feelings. I just don't want to be led on.
Author jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 She does know that I'm recently out of a long term relationship, so I think if she has any concerns on her end, she would be totally free to ask me about it. For all I know, she thinks of me purely as a friend, or thinks of me not much at all. As it is, we've just been hanging out and I enjoy spending time with her. I'm also definitely to the point where, were my ex to call me today to say she regrets it and wants to get back together, I'd say no; maybe she and I could reconnect later in life if we're both single, but she's not someone I want or need in my life right now or for the forseeable future. She isn't playing into my emotional state any more really, so I feel pretty comfortable being alone as well as spending time with new people. I know it may seem like I'm kidding myself, but this is really how I feel. I feel great about what I have going in my life, and I am enjoying being single. I don't feel a need to get into a new relationship, but I would like to let this new thing happen as it will. I guess if I didn't, then I'd still be controlled by the end of the relationship. Hope that clarifies some things.
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