confusedfem Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) my husband and i will be celebrating our three years wedding anniversary in may. we've been blessed with a beautiful daughter who's turning 1 this march and i have a 6 year old son from my previous marriage... just for the record, the sex is there but not the romance.....and here i go... i met my husband on my birthday three years ago through a friend. he was visiting the u.s. at that time and i had just ended my relationship with an abusive BF. everything happened so fast!! we got married 2months after we met. he works at night and i work during the day to take turns in watching the kids. i cook.. i clean the house.. i give him massages, cut his hair he's a good father to both my daughter and son. he's generally a good person. my friends and family likes him! my dilemma is, i feel that he's just with me becase of our daughter. i have been talking to him about my issues specially him being cold with me. all i get is a "shoulder response of 'i dont know'..." .. this is frustrating for me because i have never been in a relationship where: when i am trying to ask a question about "the relationship" all the answer i get is a blank stare in my face! i have tried to express how i felt and all he does is to stay quiet or fall asleep? at our first year of marriage i thought i should give him time to adjust from being a bachelor to being married and having 2kids in a short period of time. i think 3 years should do it for him. should i give him more time to adjust? i'm not asking for a fairy tale, but for LOVE! sometimes i feel like im being needy or a nagging wife by asking whats going on? i get frustrated sometimes because i feel that i didn't have to ask how to be treated as a wife but with him, i feel like i have to! he makes me feel that i need to constantly remind him of his obligations a husband. i have questions in my mind because he's never bought me flowers unless i mentioned it to him which is on mothers day of 2011(and thr last) he's never done special things for me not even a romantic date? not even inexpensive gifts for special occasions like christmas, vday or my bday. he didnt show any compassion during my pregnancy with our daughter. i felt i went through my pregnancy, alone... is it too much for me to ask for a romantic date when he's been a father figure to my 6yo son? i have asked this question to him and he said no and that he knows he hasnt been giving his 100% and that he'd try. still waiting..... Edited March 6, 2012 by confusedfem
happyme Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi confusedfem, The book 'How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It' sounds like it may be useful to you and yours. It was recommended by somebody else on this forum too, and it does give very workable info. Basically, men and women are very different in so many ways it sometimes makes me wonder why we are actually drawn to each other... if you can I would read the book. From what you write it appears your husband married you without much hesitation and is proving to be a good dad both to his own child with you and your son, that speaks volumes to me re his commitment and love. Perhaps he doesn't know how to react to the way you are currently expressing yourself. Perhaps he feels like he's failing you. Perhaps he just doesn't know any other way to react and is a bit lost himself... it does sound like he loves you though, to me. Men sometimes don't express love the way we women would like them to, I know... been there etc.. this does not mean he isn't expressing it, only that because of your own expectations maybe you aren't noticing. At the moment. No doubt he'd like to change but if he feels like he's failing you the incentive and motivation will not be a high as it could been. I wish you all the best... take care and live the love
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi confusedfem, The book 'How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It' sounds like it may be useful to you and yours. It was recommended by somebody else on this forum too, and it does give very workable info. Basically, men and women are very different in so many ways it sometimes makes me wonder why we are actually drawn to each other... if you can I would read the book. From what you write it appears your husband married you without much hesitation and is proving to be a good dad both to his own child with you and your son, that speaks volumes to me re his commitment and love. Perhaps he doesn't know how to react to the way you are currently expressing yourself. Perhaps he feels like he's failing you. Perhaps he just doesn't know any other way to react and is a bit lost himself... it does sound like he loves you though, to me. Men sometimes don't express love the way we women would like them to, I know... been there etc.. this does not mean he isn't expressing it, only that because of your own expectations maybe you aren't noticing. At the moment. No doubt he'd like to change but if he feels like he's failing you the incentive and motivation will not be a high as it could been. I wish you all the best... take care and live the love OHH PLEEAASE, this is such bad advice. The guy is emotionally abusive to her. Do I understand it correctly that he is a foreigner so that a marriage to you allowed him to stay in the US? I think he is more married because he likes the security of a family but not because he truly loves you. The best thing is to divorce him. Books like the book you mention are poison because it tries to convince on that emotionally retarded people are normal and that you should try to deal with it. Come on, anno 2012 in the western world even the silent strong type of man knows by know that he is supposed to be a bit attentive to his woman (and women have to be attentive to their man). It does not take that much effort, does it? I think you should divorce him because he will never warm up to you and if you keep trying, your heart will only be broken more often.
xxoo Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 cf, was there ever a time that you felt loved by him? Even before marriage?
The Blue Knight Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 i'm not asking for a fairy tale, but for LOVE! sometimes i feel like im being needy or a nagging wife by asking whats going on? i get frustrated sometimes because i feel that i didn't have to ask how to be treated as a wife but with him, i feel like i have to! he makes me feel that i need to constantly remind him of his obligations a husband. i have questions in my mind because he's never bought me flowers unless i mentioned it to him which is on mothers day of 2011(and thr last) he's never done special things for me not even a romantic date? not even inexpensive gifts for special occasions like christmas, vday or my bday. he didnt show any compassion during my pregnancy with our daughter. i felt i went through my pregnancy, alone... is it too much for me to ask for a romantic date when he's been a father figure to my 6yo son? i have asked this question to him and he said no and that he knows he hasnt been giving his 100% and that he'd try. still waiting..... He's not into the marriage is how I'd best sum it up. A man in love with his wife acknowledges her, listens to her, and does romantic things for her. And quite honestly confused, you shouldn't have to remind him of his husband-related duties. Does he at least acknowledge your birthday in some way? Do you acknowledge his? I'm just asking because I'm trying to figure out if there's a huge imbalance of you acknowledging him while he ignores you. Your last comment that he knows he's not giving 100% but he'll try . . . WOW! Yippie Skippie . . . what a guy! He's going to try. If you don't mind my asking, where is he from?
Author confusedfem Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 cf, was there ever a time that you felt loved by him? Even before marriage? yes, i did...
Author confusedfem Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 thank you so much for the advise. i will try to read that book. i'm willing to try to do anything to keep our marriage strong! Hi confusedfem, The book 'How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It' sounds like it may be useful to you and yours. It was recommended by somebody else on this forum too, and it does give very workable info. Basically, men and women are very different in so many ways it sometimes makes me wonder why we are actually drawn to each other... if you can I would read the book. From what you write it appears your husband married you without much hesitation and is proving to be a good dad both to his own child with you and your son, that speaks volumes to me re his commitment and love. Perhaps he doesn't know how to react to the way you are currently expressing yourself. Perhaps he feels like he's failing you. Perhaps he just doesn't know any other way to react and is a bit lost himself... it does sound like he loves you though, to me. Men sometimes don't express love the way we women would like them to, I know... been there etc.. this does not mean he isn't expressing it, only that because of your own expectations maybe you aren't noticing. At the moment. No doubt he'd like to change but if he feels like he's failing you the incentive and motivation will not be a high as it could been. I wish you all the best... take care and live the love
Author confusedfem Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 i'm just emotionally drained right now. i have mentioned divorce so many times and his response was he didnt want our daughter to go through it. then i asked why is he being distant. the only answer i get is SILENCE! OHH PLEEAASE, this is such bad advice. The guy is emotionally abusive to her. Do I understand it correctly that he is a foreigner so that a marriage to you allowed him to stay in the US? I think he is more married because he likes the security of a family but not because he truly loves you. The best thing is to divorce him. Books like the book you mention are poison because it tries to convince on that emotionally retarded people are normal and that you should try to deal with it. Come on, anno 2012 in the western world even the silent strong type of man knows by know that he is supposed to be a bit attentive to his woman (and women have to be attentive to their man). It does not take that much effort, does it? I think you should divorce him because he will never warm up to you and if you keep trying, your heart will only be broken more often.
Author confusedfem Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 we're in a tight budget but i still manage to buy him gifts on his b-day, xmas, vday, fathers day. the last gift i recived recently was the flowers on mothers day.. what i dont understand is he didn't want us to divorced! if he's not into the relationship, why not leave and move on? He's not into the marriage is how I'd best sum it up. A man in love with his wife acknowledges her, listens to her, and does romantic things for her. And quite honestly confused, you shouldn't have to remind him of his husband-related duties. Does he at least acknowledge your birthday in some way? Do you acknowledge his? I'm just asking because I'm trying to figure out if there's a huge imbalance of you acknowledging him while he ignores you. Your last comment that he knows he's not giving 100% but he'll try . . . WOW! Yippie Skippie . . . what a guy! He's going to try. If you don't mind my asking, where is he from?
Author confusedfem Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 thank you all so much for your time in giving me advise. you have no idea how i appreciate thiS. my entire family is in eastcoast. i dont have any relatives here so very difficult for me to find comfort. this is a very sensitive subject that i feel ashamed to talk to my friends and family because inwas shut down first time i reAched out. they got me thinking thAt this would be my 2nd divorce and that our daughter is way too young to be going through that and that i should be thankful for finding a husband who is good to my 6yo son. this is the reason why i'm still here..
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