bbgm1443 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hi There, I recently started a new job managing a personal training department at a gym, where I met my now girlfriend (she works at the front desk). We really hit it off, hanging out almost every day after work, I met her parents and she met mine, and we were intimate right from the get go. Things were fantastic for the first month, however this last month has been a different story (we have been dating for just over 2 months now). Lately it seems like she never has time for me outside of work and she becomes agitated very easily. It feels like I have to walk on eggshells around her and I'm not sure what's going on in her head. It really is a very complex situation from my perspective. I have confronted her about this and she says she "loves me" (she actually tells me that daily), but she has trouble opening up because she doesn't want to be hurt again (she was in a very controlling/abusive relationship for 3 years, with a guy who we both work with - she doesn't work at the same time as him and avoids him altogether). I myself was in a relationship for 5 years prior to this, where I was cheated on - Consequently, I do have trust issues. Throughout or last serious discussion we both agreed that we moved too fast in the beginning. She now wants to wait a bit before having sex again because she feels that’s all I’m in it for. I do understand this, but I have tried to show her that’s not the case by doing little things for her (e.g., waking up earlier to drive her to work, calling her when I’m out with my friends, and trying to take her out on dates where there is no possibility of sex). This really hasn’t accomplished anything. We frequently argue about me talking to one of my employees (an attractive female) – I keep it work related, but it still really bothers her. In fact, she openly tells me she doesn’t trust me, but I really don’t think this is fair. I just feel that she wants something to hold against me sometimes. Furthermore, she is not really an affectionate person and it bothers her when I try and get close. On the other hand, she talks about a future together and has told me I’m everything she’s ever wanted and how happy she is with me. She has even gone as far to say “you’re too good for me”. These are mixed messages to me and I really can’t comprehend what’s going on. Like I said, I have trust issues. She is secretive about her phone and if I ask to see it she gets very defensive, furthermore she recently took down photos of us on Facebook. I know it’s immature to care about this stuff, but it does bother me and makes me question if I should be worried about something. Again, when I tell her all this she gets angry and defensive. She does have anxiety often and she tells me she feels overwhelmed and stressed. I feel that she should want to see me during these times, but she says she prefers to deal with the issues on her own. It is also worth noting she is 20 and I am 23, so immaturity may play a factor. Currently, I question her commitment and interest level in me. Please forgive me if I seem to be all over the place, it’s just as confusing in my head. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
cerridwen Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 It's going to take a lot of work to gain her to trust and take down those walls. It's only been 2 months. Sure you want to invest further? Sorry to be so negative but a lot of drama and frustration appear to be on the horizon. Jealousy, insecurity, intimacy issues, suspicion, problems with trust. Oy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 You have to keep in mind that the first month or even in general the beginning of a relationship doesn't stand for a whole lot. There's a lot of factors usually influencing that and people haven't had time to think and sort out why they are doing what they are doing, they're either going off of hormones, loneliness, the initial flare that is going off when you just meet someone, among many other things. It's really when you start having problems/difficulties that every relationship will have do the real issues start to come to surface and you see how compatible you really are. She's young but already has some baggage, this usually means that a woman devoted quite a bit of herself in a relationship and got very burned. Most will will have an extremely hard time moving on from that, especially If it's their first big experience with that...for some it comes young for others it's when they're older. This sounds like a situation where she still isn't over an ex and isn't able to open up to you or trust you right now. She's probably still very emotionally attached to her ex and still likely talks to him or even thinks about him. Don't believe everything she tells you when she refers to her ex, especially how much they hate them and what not...anyone who hates someone from the past is clearly not over it. The fact that she says she loves you doesn't mean anything If you're not experiencing and sharing a loving relationship, that also includes communication and compromise, and generally being on the same page of where you are in the relationship and not having any major emotional hurdles. You're going to eventually get let go by this girl for several reason: - You're a nice guy on paper, which is why she probably gave it a chance but there's no real strong chemistry. You're probably too predictable and easy to figure out - She doesn't know how to respond to a guy that treats her well and gives her attention, she's used to abuse...what you give her feels weird and overbearing - She's not over her ex, so romantically her feelings are still in the past..in a sense you are a rebound, but she's still pissed and hurt about this guy The good things she talks to you about are probably wishful thinking, you know how you can sit back and look at the stars and imagine what life could be but you never actually do it? It's more of a fantasy than reality? She probably sees you as a good guy, the guy she should have been with and dated, but now she's too damaged and locked into the past and will likely not be able to move forward. This guy could have taken her virginity or been her first true love, those are always hard for women to get over. You question her commitment and her trust because you feel it, honestly that's the only thing you need to listen to when making big decisions, they'll tell you when something is right or wrong without being confused with the words. The words just confuse your brain when you're emotions and mind collide, but the words aren't what is important here, it doesn't matter what someone says IF it doesn't feel genuine. I've given you a lot of good information here, wisdom you may or may not have gained, so don't take it lightly...I'm fairly certain that I have this girl pegged pretty well and you're not going to fair well doing what you're doing well at the end of this...nice guys finish last with girls like this, damaged ones. They don't know what to do with a good guy, they think love is reckless and painful...with intense highs and lows. She's also defensive about your questions because she doesn't want to have to answer them, that's why all people get defensive, they're either lying or want to avoid telling you the truth...It's as simple as that. My instructions to you: Pull away, give her some space and change the dynamic immediately. Don't be all over her, checking in on her, and being all nice about it. Then break up with her and move on, tell her It wasn't good enough. You've already lost, so just trust me and retain some pride out of the situation because you don't want to receive the "nice guy" label. Because right now it's looking more like the doormat title. Show some respect for yourself by at least making the last gesture.
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