frustratedandtired Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 While I have looked on here a lot, I haven't posted much. I just wanted to get a little off my chest now that D-Day approaches. My separation has been for 6 months now and applied to have it finalized this week. I have been in regular contact with my soon to be ex throughout. We've had our moments of course but for the most part, you would think we were just friends if you saw us walking down the street. There really isn't much to fight about. We were together for 10 years but in the end, even though we gave it our all, we both agree it just wasn't what was best for either of us. Here's where I think I'm going to lose a lot of people. For the most part I'm ok. I've been mourning the slow death of the relationship for many years. Very little blindsiding here so there isn't that upheaval that comes with so many breakups. While we didn't want to admit, I don't think either of us is very surprised it's come to this. Even with it being the "best" of circumstances, and for the most part I'm doing pretty good, the days I crumble, I crumble hard. Seems to happen about once a week. Something triggers and I go to what I like to call the "dark side" of bitterness and anger - some little event that happened in the past will sneak back into my mind and piss me off like it happened yesterday. I keep it within but it just feels like getting punched in the face. Even knowing, it's 100% the right thing to do with my rational brain, all the emotions come flooding back. I want to move on so badly and am doing I think everything that's best for me but can't wait to let go of the anger. Any tips on helping to let go finally? I don't particularly want to break contact. We still have issues to hammer out with the house and our financials that are outside of the divorce (a lot of premarriage property and what not) and our families are close. And really, it's like hanging out with an old friend when we get together. There isn't an attraction there anymore but we started out as friends so that connection I think will always be there. Just looking for what the next step is to finally letting go. I have started dating recently. Yup. Too soon. I know, I know. The guy is a good friend and we are taking it very, very slow. He was aware of my situation fully and willing to take the ride on the crazy train. I haven't told my soon to be ex about it yet and wondering if I should out of just a I'd rather have him hear it from me or is it really none of his business now.
Steen719 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I read in another thread that harboring anger, resentment and hate for someone is like poisoning yourself and expecting the other person to die (or something to that effect). I think that is one of the best analogies I have heard. I think of that each time I feel resentment (which is my main feeling toward my XH) and try to realize that I want ME to be healthy, so I actively seek to let it go. Not easy, but I am trying and honestly, I feel better knowing it is helping me. (Infidelity in my m, so I may have more of the above!) Good luck.
Author frustratedandtired Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Poison is really about the best term for it. It's funny too is that it's something you just keep injecting it in yourself when you let the triggers happen. I'm in the house now and dealing with the mess of trying to sell it. When I see all the projects that he started that I never wanted to do anyway and here I am trying to finish them in crunch time (apathy was probably our biggest problem) it just triggers again the anger I felt that he would go and blow all this money to only half do something and knowing that I would end up being the one to finish it. It only adds that a lot of the stuff with the house was the old this is what should have happened here. We should have had kids, put on that addition, lived happily ever after, etc. The whole this isn't how it was supposed to turn out. My rational mind knows how foolhardy that notion is but the emotional side just doesn't get it. When the new guy does something very sweet and surprising and thoughtful, it sometimes pisses me off, not at him of course, but it makes me angry that I've missed out on so many sweet gestures. Poison, absolute poison. It's so self defeating. For every positive step I take, all it takes is one of these to send me back.
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