First date sex. Oops! Now what?

[kaylan]

That's fine. You found some single-daters who had not a problem with multidaters. That happens, too. (Did it work long-term for at least a few years, btw? If yes then I will accept it works) But, in my experience, most single-daters do not date multi-daters.

In my case it didnt last years, only because things remained casual. Im admittedly picky about who I become exclusive with.

 

Ive never really come across people who label themselves as single or multidaters though. If two people click, they click, and then they date. Some keep their options open and date other people early on...Some like to focus on just one person at a time. It is what it is.

 

But looking back on people I know, plenty of single daters and multidaters have intermingled without much thought. Its generally assumed by everyone that in the early going, no one is obligated to go out on dates with solely one person.

 

Of course, it's easier to spot. As I said, it's also about statistics. A player does not have the same patience as a single-dater to get to know someone. A multi-dater has something in common with the player in that regard.

Statistics? Please show me these stats.

 

As a man, who knows how the mind of my gender works, and having known a few players in my day, some of them multidate and some of them stick to one woman for a short period of time. The ones who stick to one chick enjoy the frequent sex for a few weeks or a month and then move on to the next girl. So stop trying to act like players only sleep around with many girls at once. Some dudes are easily playboys but dislike sleeping with more than a chick at a time. Some men do actually care about the risk involved in doing that.

 

And you sit and talk about patience as if women who single-date dont ever give it up quickly. Lmao. Plenty of people are serial monogamists who sleep with one person at a time. So its not like a player will always need patience.

 

You cant really peg someone simply by how long they wait to hook up. With every single chick I have had some form of sex with, things happened within a few weeks of us dating. Some of those girls were straight up tramps, and some of them were pretty chill chicks who would make great girlfriends. Doesnt matter if we had intercourse fairly quickly, or if one of us were on our knees for the other fairly quickly. Sex is sex, and that stuff happening doesnt speak entirely for someones character.

 

Might I add that I feel its stupid how some women will have foreplay right away, but stave off sex. If you have one form of sex with someone, not having intercourse wont change the way the situation looks.

As I said, it does not show serious commitment on their part to get to know me better. That's just off putting for single-daters. It just is...

Speak for yourself. I know people who single-date who know to expect that people will still date around in the early stages.

 

It makes sense, because a multi-dater doesn't provide the necessary effort a single-dater needs to feel more secure and, thus, open up even more to someone. In other words, the necessary effort to progress from barely knowing him/her to getting to know him/her better.

Exactly how much effort does someone I barely know deserve? Why should they receive all of my attention and maximum effort before we are even serious about one another? Come on now.

 

Someone gets that treatment when they prove themselves. Until then, why stifle my dating life for someone I may not even talk to next week?

 

Stop trying to speak for all "single daters" because most folks dont even self identify with that term like I said. Most people know to expect others to date people besides them when things are in the early stages.

 

I cant believe that you expect me to ignore every other woman I may come across and not even go on coffee dates JUST because I went on one or two dates with you. Thats says a lot. I mean, why is a guy not allowed to go on a date with another woman he isnt even having sex with, just because you guys hung out for a few hours 2 night prior.

Edited March 7, 2012 by kaylan

[silvermercy]

Kaylan, you wrote such a long post I have no time to respond to. I'm sorry.

 

All I have to say is your experience and dating preferences are TOTALLY different from mine and all the people around me. If they work for you and you manage serious and long-term relationships from them, then great. Where I live and the people I mix with, I know that most of the time they don't work. I don't need official stats for that. Also, all the justifications you mention do not make your opinion any more valid than mine or of those who don't like to multi-date or date multi-daters. That's it.

 

(PS: Well, if there's a term for multi-daters what do you call those who never multi-date? The are a lot of people in the latter category. Much more than the first I believe.)

Edited March 7, 2012 by silvermercy

[RedRobin]

now you are backpeddling, kaylan.

 

I'm not trying to convince you to be a 'single dater'. I suspect you will get absolutely nowhere trying to convince women like me to date someone who multidates either.

 

Regarding the longetivity of your relationships. The women aren't here to speak their minds, but I'd consider myself an idiot for investing time with a man who kept things casual after I decided to have sex with him. Hence the waiting period for ME. I don't invest in men who don't invest in me.

 

As long as you can find women to give you no-strings sex while you decide, then I guess you-da-man... ha ha. High fives and all that.

 

We both have our own formula. I wish you only the best.

[kaylan]

Kaylan, you wrote such a long post I have no time to respond to. I'm sorry.

 

All I have to say is your experience and dating preferences are TOTALLY different from mine and all the people around me. If they work for you and you manage serious and long-term relationships from them, then great. Where I live and the people I mix with, I know that most of the time they don't work. I don't need official stats for that. Also, all the justifications you mention do not make your opinion any more valid than mine or of those who don't like to multi-date or date multi-daters. That's it.

 

(PS: Well, if there's a term for multi-daters what do you call those who never multi-date? The are a lot of people in the latter category. Much more than the first I believe.)

^My bad, I can be rather thorough in my responses. I just try make sure I get my point across properly =P I really should post less though...this site got too addicting.

 

Of course your experience will be different from mine. For one we live in different cities, let alone countries. Secondly, I remember you saying you are from a more reserved Eastern European culture. Lastly, people surround themselves with like-minded folks, so of course your and my friends experiences will be different.

 

At the end of the day, Im not worrying about who will date multidaters or not. Its never been a problem for me, so Ima just "keep on keepin' on."

 

PS: I never hear people use the term multidating outside of this forum. They simply say they date around and keep their options open when meeting people.

[ThaWholigan]

Interesting to see the back-and-forth here. Living in a city like London, I often see both sides of the argument, and I'm pretty much neutral on the whole multi-dating issue. I've yet to determine how I'm going to approach dating but I think that depends on my options to be honest.

[kaylan]

now you are backpeddling, kaylan.

 

I'm not trying to convince you to be a 'single dater'. I suspect you will get absolutely nowhere trying to convince women like me to date someone who multidates either.

Please explain to me how I am back pedaling. With quotes please, because I dont see this at all.

 

No you are not trying to convince me to be a single dater, and I am not trying to convince you to be a multidater. What you are doing though, is trying to tell me why single dating is better than multidating and how multidaters are so unsuitable as mates.

 

All I am doing is saying that multidating isnt as bad as you make it out to be, and going slow and recognizing your options while dating is indeed an ok thing to do.

 

Regarding the longetivity of your relationships. The women aren't here to speak their minds, but I'd consider myself an idiot for investing time with a man who kept things casual after I decided to have sex with him. Hence the waiting period for ME. I don't invest in men who don't invest in me.

Did you ever stop to think these women wanted casual relationships as well? Half of the women I have slept with wanted exactly that and I did as well. So we were on the same page. The other women I dated exclusively and we were on the same page.

 

You obviously just have a very different view of sex than I. I personally dont feel sex needs to be some big investment all the time. Sometimes it can be, other times it doesnt have to be. Theres no one right way to do things.

As long as you can find women to give you no-strings sex while you decide, then I guess you-da-man... ha ha. High fives and all that.

 

We both have our own formula. I wish you only the best.

Jeeez. Why do women like you assume its only guys wanting fun with no strings attached? Plenty of women want this too, and plenty of women out there will sleep with a guy they want nothing to do with romantically. Some will straight up use the guy even if they know he likes her. This has actually happened to me before...so I need no hi-5s.

 

As I said, I am always on the same page with chicks I get involved with. Most women I have met understand and very much want to take things slow despite if we hooked up early on or not. Getting physical is not a license to rush things.

 

Thanks for the well wishes tough.

[silvermercy]

I remember you saying you are from a more reserved Eastern European culture.

(Southern Europe. lol)

 

.. or since, all things are relative, it's not us who are reserved but the others who are way too liberal. (What I spoke about holds true for most of my country's people basically, not just my group. And I'm sure this extends to other countries similar to ours). So for us, who don't date casually, sex IS indeed a big investment. Perhaps it seems to work nicely for our society, too, since we have one of the lowest teen pregnancies rates, lowest divorce rates, longest marriages, fewer children out of wedlock (if at all, as it's unheard of over here) etc, anywhere in Europe (and perhaps the world).

Edited March 7, 2012 by silvermercy

[RedRobin]

Really? The ones who were dating you and you alone while you were multidating just wanted something casual?

 

or maybe just maybe they were too insecure... had wishy-washy boundaries... and they were like many women here who post on LS about the men they are seeing...your ladies were hoping, hoping hoping you would be 'exclusive' with them.

 

Cause if it is the latter, I rest my case.

 

... and as far as your other assumptions about me... you have a long life ahead of you I hope. Do me a big fat favor. Copy and paste these posts of yours and save them someplace special.

 

Come back to them in 10 years and see if they still ring true and make sense to you. Or, remember I asked you to do that at least.

 

I hope you have a sense of humor.

Edited March 8, 2012 by RedRobin

[Leigh 87]

I met my boyfriend online. We had sex after the 3rd time we hooked up. Pretty much right away.

 

We just kept expressing interesting ins eeing each other, and started to like each other more and more.

 

 

There were not games. You either like each other or you don't.

 

 

If he shuts u down because u had sex so soon, and does not want to get to know you BECAUSE u had sex, it is HIS loss.

 

 

Most normal people will continue to see someone they like, regardless of how soon sex occurs.

 

Unless, he has a value system that is not alligned with yours; he may see girls who sleep with him so readily, as girls not worthy of a relationship.

 

Again, it is HIS loss, if he assumes you are not relationship material, just because you wanted to have fun.

[kaylan]

Really? The ones who were dating you and you alone while you were multidating just wanted something casual?

Whats with you? You know women have FWB arrangements all the time. The girls I had a casual relationship wanted just that and nothing more.

 

or maybe just maybe they were too insecure... had wishy-washy boundaries... and they were like many women here who post on LS about the men they are seeing...your ladies were hoping, hoping hoping you would be 'exclusive' with them.

 

Cause if it is the latter, I rest my case.

No they were not insecure or wishy-washy. They simply did not want a serious relationship, nor did I. So we met each others need for companionship and casual fun.

 

You seem to conveniently forget that people come to a relationship forum to discuss problems. This forum is not wholy representative of the entire dating population. So there are plenty of people out there who are either in relationships or hooking up, and they are enjoying their situation with no problems.

 

So no, the women I hook up with are not wishing for me to become exclusive with them. I havent had a girl hook up with me while wanting exclusivity since I was 19 and Im 25 now. That one time was enough for me to know not to hook up with girls who seemed like they liked me too much to handle something casual. Even back then I was honest with the girl about only wanting to keep things casual since I had a bad break up not too long before.

 

 

... and as far as your other assumptions about me... you have a long life ahead of you I hope. Do me a big fat favor. Copy and paste these posts of yours and save them someplace special.

 

Come back to them in 10 years and see if they still ring true and make sense to you. Or, remember I asked you to do that at least.

 

I hope you have a sense of humor.

Meh, I have had these same views on dating since I was a teenager. When I was single, I talked to different girls until I got serious with one. And I always was upfront and honest about what I wanted and tried to be on the same page with the girls in my life.

 

I was that way back then, I still am now, and I will be the same way in the future. I dont see my views changing too much when it comes to how I decide to date.

Edited March 8, 2012 by kaylan