First date sex. Oops! Now what?

[kaylan]

If that one date involved sex, then yes. I personally would expect him to drop his FWB like a hot potato. (But then I don't multidate myself or date people who multidate or have FWB or sleep on the first date, so it wouldn't apply to me anyway).

 

I think you misunderstood her post. If I'm not mistaken, I THINK she meant she wouldn't want a guy who wanted/pushed her for sex early on a first date (so I would have to agree with her again). I don't think she meant she wouldn't want a guy with whom she already slept with. That would be hypocritical obviously.

But we arent talking about a person having sex with multiple people. I wont stop dating if I am having sex with ONE person. However, I will not have sex with more than one person at a time. Its just too risky and plus I like to get tested in between partners anyways.

 

I understand not wanting to deal with a guy who pushed for sex on the first date. Thats douche behavior on his part. But she was saying that she would write off a guy she did have sex with, for the simple fact that he did have sex with her on the first date. Hypocrisy indeed.

[RedRobin]

If that one date involved sex, then yes. I personally would expect him to drop his FWB like a hot potato. (But then I don't multidate myself or date people who multidate or have FWB or sleep on the first date, so it wouldn't apply to me anyway).

 

I think you misunderstood her post. If I'm not mistaken, I THINK she meant she wouldn't want a guy who wanted/pushed her for sex early on a first date (so I would have to agree with her again). I don't think she meant she wouldn't want a guy with whom she already slept with. That would be hypocritical obviously.

 

To clarify, yes, you and I are on the same page (I think). If it was, like this crazy magical thing and we ended up having sex on the first date, yea, I would expect him to drop the FWB like a hot potato AND the profiles too. Yep. Heck, as a matter of fact, he'd better be logging into Dates-R-Us and canceling his profile while I'm still in the middle of my post-orgasm halo.

 

But seriously... Would I not want a guy whom I'd already slept with... odds are no, I wouldn't. Because I wouldn't accept the 'crazy magical thing' was anything close to freakin' reality... That junk only happens in Hollywood.

 

I'd kick my own ass to the curb and his too... then make sure it didn't happen again. 1st date sex, that is.

[RedRobin]

But we arent talking about a person having sex with multiple people. I wont stop dating if I am having sex with ONE person. However, I will not have sex with more than one person at a time. Its just too risky and plus I like to get tested in between partners anyways.

 

I understand not wanting to deal with a guy who pushed for sex on the first date. Thats douche behavior on his part. But she was saying that she would write off a guy she did have sex with, for the simple fact that he did have sex with her on the first date. Hypocrisy indeed.

 

I realize it sounds hypocritical... but it's not really. I'd apologize, then head on my way. Really. I wouldn't want a relationship that started that way. And I want a man who doesn't want a relationship that starts that way either and can back that up with his own behavior. Yea, that sucks. Better luck next time.

Edited March 7, 2012 by RedRobin

[kaylan]

I'm not saying I'm better. I'm saying this is probably doomed. She's better off cutting her losses and not jumping in so quick next time.

Why is it doomed? Its doomed just because they had sex soon? I dont see why this would doom them. Ive known people who had sex early on and then ended up dating quite a while.

 

The only time something is doomed is if one of the parties was never committed to making things work to begin with. Sex has nothing to do with that fact.

She's probably also better off with a guy who associates sex with exclusivity. If he is still surfing the sites, he's obviously not.

I think it all depends on the fella. Ive had hook ups and a FWB situation or two...but it doesnt mean I dont enjoy or appreciate the intimacy shared between two people in an exclusive relationship.

 

Its not all black and white. Im able to be just as wild as most people out there, but I also am very much a loyal guy who desires love. I think all OP needs is for this guy to take time to get to know her more. If they are compatible relationship wise, then great. If they arent, oh wells, thats life...but at least they got some fun out of it.

 

Checking your online profile after ONE date with someone else does not mean a person does not value sex in an exclusive relationship.

The scenario you painted is somewhat different... I could imagine it being something like "whoa.. I didn't expect something this quick. I don't know where this will lead, but I'd like to get to know you better."

 

You both pull down your profiles in the off-chance that maybe, just maybe, it isn't freakin' doomed.

 

But that is not what happened. That is not what is happening.

Again, why should someone put their eggs all in one basket with someone they barely know. Sex or not, its one date. If he was checking his profile 2 months down the road, THAT would be something to be concerned about. Not this current situation though. Sex doesnt change the fact that they barely know one another...so they need to both just take their time and keep their options open.

 

Ive learned thats the best way to go about dating. Sure I can like someone a lot, but im not gonna be reckless and drop everything I have going on for someone I barely know.

 

Oh, and why would I 'dump' a guy for first date sex? Because I really do believe that men who know the RISKS of first date sex and really want to get to know me... don't go there. They have a handle on their own sexuality too.

I dont stifle my sexuality. If things feel natural with someone, then if stuff happens, they happen. Like I said, you really seem to have limited knowledge on how people see dating and sex. Sex or no sex is not going to make someone change their opinion about someones long term potential.

 

If I have sex quickly with a girl I really like, Im not gonna decide not to date her down the line because of that. If I end wanting to date her exclusively, it wont matter if we had sex the first night we chilled or the 15th night we chilled.

 

If things were rockin' so well, it wouldn't kill him to use that thing on his shoulders to do his part to cool things off and wait for another day... is all I"m saying. Not being prudish at all. Just setting the stage for the best possible outcome, darlin. Yes, I would feel bad. I would feel like crap actually... for having to dump him...but I certainly wouldn't accept all of the responsibility for things getting out of hand so early.

I dont see why they have to not have sex. It really is you being prude. Who cares if it was the first date or the 20th. They both liked each other and wanted it. Its really not going to be the only thing making the guy to decide if he wants to date her exclusively. Theres so many more important things that go into deciding if someone is good for you as a partner.

 

Like I said, Ive known people who hooked up quickly and then dated quite a while. Ive also known people who had sex after a few months and things end quickly and badly. Its all variable.

 

Whats important is the connection the two people have. That connection will dictate when they have sex and how well they will work out long term.

 

For some folks the spark is huge and they have sex on the first date and then date for a long time...for other it wont mean that. It all depends on the people involved. I know Im fully capable of dating a chick long term if she fits me very well, and it wont matter if we had sex the first night or not.

 

 

Besides, it's always hotter when you wait and know.

 

Oh, and about the multidating, FWB, sex with multiple people thing? I don't do it. I prefer to focus on one person.

 

But that is just me. If it works for you, then that is fine.

It works for some people and not for other. I will multidate, but I wont sleep with more than one person at a time. And I also wont stop dating just because I have a FWB. If I decide I really like a particular girl, then of course Ill cut off whoever else Im involved with.

[kaylan]

I realize it sounds hypocritical... but it's not really. I'd apologize, then head on my way. Really. I wouldn't want a relationship that started that way. And I want a man who doesn't want a relationship that starts that way either and can back that up with his own behavior. Yea, that sucks. Better luck next time.

Things dont always wont out as perfectly as we would want them to. Is it not also Hollywood thinking to assume that a relationship should only start one way? And only with a 'proper' dating routine?

 

Youre telling me that youd throw away a guy who seemed perfect for you, and seemed very interested in moving forward with you, all because you BOTH slipped up on your beliefs and had sex too quickly? What if it wasnt sex on the first date? How about 2nd or 3rd?

 

Id say its pretty dumb to throw away a good match just because you embraced that connection on your first night together.

[silvermercy]

 

I dont see why they have to not have sex. It really is you being prude. Who cares if it was the first date or the 20th. They both liked each other and wanted it.

Well, if BOTH people were on the same page then it wouldn't be a problem obviously. But most of the time (OP included) they are not. Hence, early sex = bad idea. (Btw, not wanting to sleep with someone on a first date or date someone who has FWB (that includes most women) does not make a person prude. It's a perfectly legit dating filter/preference). Edited March 7, 2012 by silvermercy

[kaylan]

Well, if BOTH people were on the same page then it wouldn't be a problem obviously. But most of the time (OP included) they are not. Hence, early sex = bad idea. (Btw, not wanting to sleep with someone on a first date or date someone who has FWB (that includes most women) does not make a person prude. It's a perfectly legit dating filter/preference).

Its prude when you are telling others their situation is going to fail simply because they didnt wait to have sex like she might have done.

 

If she wants to wait, then fine. But her judgements came off rather prude to me in the way she applied them to OP and her guy. Especially with how stringent RedRobins requirements are for how a successful relationship should start for everyone.

 

She is not everyone. People are different.

[silvermercy]

Its prude when you are telling others their situation is going to fail simply because they didnt wait to have sex like she might have done.

 

If she wants to wait, then fine. But her judgements came off rather prude to me in the way she applied them to OP and her guy. Especially with how stringent RedRobins requirements are for how a successful relationship should start for everyone.

 

She is not everyone. People are different.

Agree, but most people would also agree, I think, that waiting for sex (whether they like it or not) is a safer option in most circumstances. There are many people who can't handle the consequences of early sex not succeeding in securing an exclusive relationship. (So myself, I don't see it as prude but safer).

[laotzu]

I had sex with a girl I met from online on the second date, and we've been dating a lot over the past month. I noticed she took her profile down, so I took mine down. She was very responsive to communication and setting up dates, so I never had any insecurity that she was seeing anyone else. Ergo, even though my profile had been up for a week and a half, I took mine down.

 

Maybe try taking your profile down?

 

How long has he been single? If it's six months or less, forget it - he's not looking for a relationship. (Generalization, but... yeah.)

[RedRobin]

Why is it doomed? Its doomed just because they had sex soon? I dont see why this would doom them. Ive known people who had sex early on and then ended up dating quite a while.

 

The only time something is doomed is if one of the parties was never committed to making things work to begin with. Sex has nothing to do with that fact.

I think it all depends on the fella. Ive had hook ups and a FWB situation or two...but it doesnt mean I dont enjoy or appreciate the intimacy shared between two people in an exclusive relationship.

 

Its not all black and white. Im able to be just as wild as most people out there, but I also am very much a loyal guy who desires love. I think all OP needs is for this guy to take time to get to know her more. If they are compatible relationship wise, then great. If they arent, oh wells, thats life...but at least they got some fun out of it.

 

Checking your online profile after ONE date with someone else does not mean a person does not value sex in an exclusive relationship.

Again, why should someone put their eggs all in one basket with someone they barely know. Sex or not, its one date. If he was checking his profile 2 months down the road, THAT would be something to be concerned about. Not this current situation though. Sex doesnt change the fact that they barely know one another...so they need to both just take their time and keep their options open.

 

Ive learned thats the best way to go about dating. Sure I can like someone a lot, but im not gonna be reckless and drop everything I have going on for someone I barely know.

 

 

I dont stifle my sexuality. If things feel natural with someone, then if stuff happens, they happen. Like I said, you really seem to have limited knowledge on how people see dating and sex. Sex or no sex is not going to make someone change their opinion about someones long term potential.

 

If I have sex quickly with a girl I really like, Im not gonna decide not to date her down the line because of that. If I end wanting to date her exclusively, it wont matter if we had sex the first night we chilled or the 15th night we chilled.

 

I dont see why they have to not have sex. It really is you being prude. Who cares if it was the first date or the 20th. They both liked each other and wanted it. Its really not going to be the only thing making the guy to decide if he wants to date her exclusively. Theres so many more important things that go into deciding if someone is good for you as a partner.

 

Like I said, Ive known people who hooked up quickly and then dated quite a while. Ive also known people who had sex after a few months and things end quickly and badly. Its all variable.

 

Whats important is the connection the two people have. That connection will dictate when they have sex and how well they will work out long term.

 

For some folks the spark is huge and they have sex on the first date and then date for a long time...for other it wont mean that. It all depends on the people involved. I know Im fully capable of dating a chick long term if she fits me very well, and it wont matter if we had sex the first night or not.

 

It works for some people and not for other. I will multidate, but I wont sleep with more than one person at a time. And I also wont stop dating just because I have a FWB. If I decide I really like a particular girl, then of course Ill cut off whoever else Im involved with.

 

There are alot of things I could say. My values and yours don't match. There is no need to debate.

 

I have plenty of knowledge... I'm not into FWB or multidating because it has all the aspects of an open relationship without any of the rules and discipline. Sure, if the guy were open about his whereabouts and didn't lie about his dates with other women, then maybe, just maybe. But it doesn't work that way. They always lie. They have to.

 

Because it is really tough to convince a person with healthy boundaries and self-esteem that you are really into them (in more than one way, ha ha) while you are simultaneously seeing other people.

 

The other way is to do some wierd don't ask don't tell scenario that sets a very bad trend...

 

If you find it works for you fine. Too much drama for me. No way to tell the straight up guys from the players. Easier to just avoid multidaters. Much easier.

[silvermercy]

If you find it works for you fine. Too much drama for me. No way to tell the straight up guys from the players. Easier to just avoid multidaters. Much easier.

Yup. I will have to agree. All the people I know, myself included, avoid multi-daters (or people in active FWB relationships) like the plaque. Too many red flags. If there's one genuine person among them, we can't tell. Too much drama indeed.

[kaylan]

There are alot of things I could say. My values and yours don't match. There is no need to debate.

 

I have plenty of knowledge... I'm not into FWB or multidating because it has all the aspects of an open relationship without any of the rules and discipline. Sure, if the guy were open about his whereabouts and didn't lie about his dates with other women, then maybe, just maybe. But it doesn't work that way. They always lie. They have to.

Multidating is all about rules and discipline if you want things to go smoothly and prevent drama...so you are very mistaken.

 

In my case, I dont need to lie about other women. I never lie to chicks. Im very open, and if she cant handle my reality, she can bail. Saying "they always lie" is just bull*****. I expect an adult woman to be able to handle the fact that if weve just started dating, it doesnt mean Im only seeing her.

 

And if she gets to know me, she will know that I dont have sex with more than one woman at a time. So if we do have sex, she can be sure Im only sleeping with her. But just because Im sleeping with her does not mean Im not meeting other women. The only time I stop meeting other women is when we become serious.

 

Because it is really tough to convince a person with healthy boundaries and self-esteem that you are really into them (in more than one way, ha ha) while you are simultaneously seeing other people.

Id expect anyone who wasnt clingy to be ok with the fact that her and I can both see other people till things become more serious...even if I do really like her. Dating is about options much of the time, and figuring out who fits you best.

 

Sometimes a person will have two prospects they really like, sometimes its one. That doesnt mean they dont really like either of the prospects. It just means they are taking their time and see whos better for them before putting all their eggs into one basket and rushing with the wrong person.

The other way is to do some wierd don't ask don't tell scenario that sets a very bad trend...

 

If you find it works for you fine. Too much drama for me. No way to tell the straight up guys from the players. Easier to just avoid multidaters. Much easier.

Theres no need for a "dont ask dont tell" imo. I simply tell girls I meet that Im not into sex with more than one person at a time. So they get the picture that I wont screw anyone else if things move forward with them, and they also know what I expect of them. If they want to get sexual with another dude Id like to know first, because Im not into all that fluid swapping.

 

I also make sure that early on, a woman and I are on the same page about multidating. Until things get serious, we are both free to talk to other people. Its all really simple. Nothing too hard about all this. Just because a guy does not multidate does not mean he isnt a player. Ive known guys who focus on one girl at a time but still easily sleep around doing so.

 

So it is what it is. If a guy wants to play a woman, he will. And he will play all his cards right. He doesnt have to multidate to play you, or he can multidate and just lie about it.

Edited March 7, 2012 by kaylan

[silvermercy]

So it is what it is. If a guy wants to play a woman, he will. And he will play all his cards right. He doesnt have to multidate to play you, or he can multidate and just lie about it.

Multidaters mostly date multidaters. One-at-a-time daters prefer not to date multidaters most of the time - for many reasons. One of the reasons it's because it's so much EASIER to spot a player when you date one at a time. With a multi-dater the risks are higher. It's simple risk-assessment.

For me a multi-dater is a waste of a time. Usually, he's not putting a lot of effort in getting to know me really. He gives the vibe of having one foot inside the room and the other outside (since there are so many options for him and he can, thus, keep looking). He also seems too comfortable in his lifestyle to abandon it and of course it doesn't feel like he's putting substantial effort to get serious with me. As a result, it's enough for me to not take him seriously either.

Edited March 7, 2012 by silvermercy

[kaylan]

Multidaters mostly date multidaters. One-at-a-time daters prefer not to date multidaters most of the time - for many reasons. One of the reasons it's because it's so much EASIER to spot a player when you date one at a time. With a multi-dater the risks are higher. It's simple risk-assessment.

People date people they like. I have had girls who were into me and they were not multidaters. So it is what it is.

 

And how is a player easier to spot simply if they multidate? A person can simply just date you, put on a show, have their fun one on one, and then bail. You still get played despite the lack of multidating.

For me a multi-dater is a waste of a time. Usually, he's not putting a lot of effort in getting to know me really. He gives the vibe of having one foot inside the room and the other outside (since there are so many options for him and he can, thus, keep looking). He also seems too comfortable in his lifestyle to abandon it and of course it doesn't feel like he's putting substantial effort to get serious with me. As a result, it's enough for me to not take him seriously either.

I dont see why someone cant get to know more than one person at a time. Why put all your eggs into one basket, which could be a basket you dont keep anyways...all the while missing out on other opportunities. That doesnt make sense to me. But if it works for you, fine.

 

I really dont see whats the harm in going out on a few dates with a couple of women. If things get serious with one of the women, then you cut the other off...but to straight up ignore other women for someone you barely know...that makes no sense.

[fishtaco]

Difference in dating philosophy that's all. Both sides have pros and cons. I happen to prefer the sex is no big deal way. And it has been working for me. Yes, I'm in an exclusive relationship right now, and yes we had sex right away.

 

So really the OP has nothing to worry about, because regardless of what philosophy she chooses to adhere to, chances of success and failure are the same... There are waaay to many other factors involved than "you had sex on date number x".

 

If Red Robin feels better by putting restrictions on sex during dating, that's all good too. But please realize your way is only one way, and there are alternatives that work the same.

[dasein]

The troubling thing about OP's behavior is not the behavior itself, but that she had decided beforehand to behave in a different way, and then ignored that rational decision impulsively and emotionally. This can show through in other behaviors, other ways. Personally, am on most on guard with respect to internal consistency in women's character these days, because IME, inconsistency, the inability to match one's words and thoughts to one's deeds, is where the whole house of cards tumbles with women I've encountered in life, tip of the iceberg. Most men won't care because most men are dumbasses, but if your guy is a smart, experienced guy, be wary of any rationalizing the sex on the first date by way of "That's so not like me," or "I normally would never ever do that." Many of us have heard that before many times, and it is a red flag. No need to bring it up going forward, just see where things lead and own your behavior decisively if the topic comes up and efforts to evade it don't work.

[veggirl]

What's multi-dating got to do with the OPs situation about sex on the first date?

[RedRobin]

To answer the question... what does multidating have to do with the OP's 1st date sex dilemma?

 

It was offered as the 'solution' to her dilemma... ie, that she should be ok with multidating rather than insist on exclusivity.

 

... and I agree with Dasein on this point... The OP will have a very hard time convincing the guy that she gives reasoned assessment to her sexual decisions going forward.

 

He'd (as in the guy the OP slept with) have an equally difficult time convincing me he gives reasoned assessment to his sexual decisions... I for one, expect the man to have full control over his man parts and take an equal share of responsibiity in setting the pace of a relationship. It's not all on the woman's shoulders. If he expects it is, he will be shown the door. I have better things to do than babysit a guy and worry about his ability to control himself when I'm not a around.

[RedRobin]

Kaylan, players don't play 'one at a time'. They don't have the patience or discipline for it. They can't help themselves. Multidating is their MO.

 

It's like saying that crack addicts can have a happy and settled home life. Nice theory. And players are players because they enjoy the game and the thrill of keeping multiple women going at once. Um, this is the definition of multidating, is it not?

 

It is really, really easy to spot a multidater by the way. The fact that you share dating space and overlap with tendencies exhibited by players, is well, your problem. Not mine.

 

It's up to you to find ways to distinguish yourself from players... Just accept that there will be women who aren't going to go along with that... and it has nothing to do with prudishness, or jealousy, or possessiveness.

 

It has everything to do with keeping things simple and straightforward. That's all. It's ok if you don't agree.

[kaylan]

Kaylan, players don't play 'one at a time'. They don't have the patience or discipline for it. They can't help themselves. Multidating is their MO.

Are you a male? Have you ever known players who were open and honest with your about their dealings? If not then you have no room to speak on the matter.

 

Ive known guys who dont see more than one chick at a time. They have fun with a girl for a month and then move on.

 

It's like saying that crack addicts can have a happy and settled home life. Nice theory. And players are players because they enjoy the game and the thrill of keeping multiple women going at once. Um, this is the definition of multidating, is it not?

I thought a player was a guy who leads women on and doesnt commit to them. You dont need to multidate to do this. Btw, your crack analogy was garbage.

It is really, really easy to spot a multidater by the way. The fact that you share dating space and overlap with tendencies exhibited by players, is well, your problem. Not mine.

If someone enjoys their privacy, you wont know they are a multidater unless they tell you.

 

Trust me, Im far from a player, sister. I dont lead women on, but I do have my fun and receive no complaints.

It's up to you to find ways to distinguish yourself from players... Just accept that there will be women who aren't going to go along with that... and it has nothing to do with prudishness, or jealousy, or possessiveness.

Meh, I havent had any problems keeping things casual with chicks Ive met. All of them are up to it in my experience, especially in the beginning when things arent serious at all.

 

The fact that Im open and honest with women easily shows them Im not out to play them. Im upfront about what I exactly want, so I havent had women think Im trying to play them.

 

It has everything to do with keeping things simple and straightforward. That's all. It's ok if you don't agree.

And I do keep things simple and straight forward. Im open and honest about what I want and expect. Keeping things casual early on, and us both dating other people before things get serious, allows everything to remain simple.

 

It works for me. So meh.

Edited March 7, 2012 by kaylan

[silvermercy]

People date people they like. I have had girls who were into me and they were not multidaters. So it is what it is.

That's fine. You found some single-daters who had not a problem with multidaters. That happens, too. (Did it work long-term for at least a few years, btw? If yes then I will accept it works) But, in my experience, most single-daters do not date multi-daters.

 

And how is a player easier to spot simply if they multidate? A person can simply just date you, put on a show, have their fun one on one, and then bail. You still get played despite the lack of multidating.

Of course, it's easier to spot. As I said, it's also about statistics. A player does not have the same patience as a single-dater to get to know someone. A multi-dater has something in common with the player in that regard.

 

I dont see why someone cant get to know more than one person at a time. Why put all your eggs into one basket, which could be a basket you dont keep anyways...all the while missing out on other opportunities. That doesnt make sense to me. But if it works for you, fine.

As I said, it does not show serious commitment on their part to get to know me better. That's just off putting for single-daters. It just is...

 

I really dont see whats the harm in going out on a few dates with a couple of women. If things get serious with one of the women, then you cut the other off...but to straight up ignore other women for someone you barely know...that makes no sense.

It makes sense, because a multi-dater doesn't provide the necessary effort a single-dater needs to feel more secure and, thus, open up even more to someone. In other words, the necessary effort to progress from barely knowing him/her to getting to know him/her better.

Edited March 7, 2012 by silvermercy

[RedRobin]

Kaylan, darling... I've said many times that whatever works for you is fine.

 

Not sure why you are getting so bent out of shape.

[fishtaco]

Kaylan, darling... I've said many times that whatever works for you is fine.

 

Not sure why you are getting so bent out of shape.

 

It's because you jump to conclusions. If it's red then it's an apple. Well, not quite.

 

I multidate, I know many men and women multidate, in fact, that's fairly common here in LA. So we are all players?

 

Multidating is a dating philosophy, one that you, and many people don't subscribe to. Which is fine, I agree with you 100% that whatever works for you is fine. But anyone that doesn't do what you do, you have to put some sort of negative label on them?

[kaylan]

Kaylan, darling... I've said many times that whatever works for you is fine.

 

Not sure why you are getting so bent out of shape.

Who said I was getting bent out of shape. Im fine actually. Im simply responding to your replies.

[fishtaco]

It's because you jump to conclusions. If it's red then it's an apple. Well, not quite.

 

I multidate, I know many men and women multidate, in fact, that's fairly common here in LA. So we are all players?

 

Multidating is a dating philosophy, one that you, and many people don't subscribe to. Which is fine, I agree with you 100% that whatever works for you is fine. But anyone that doesn't do what you do, you have to put some sort of negative label on them?

 

Nevermind, I misread RedRobin's post, my response is inappropriate... but too late, I can't delete it. Ignore please.