First date sex. Oops! Now what?

[sbradford2]

I made a biggie this time. I have been single now for 8 months. I told myself that I was not going to be intimate with anyone until I found someone that truly wants a healthy, steady relationship and that I truly connected with. Well I have been doing good so far. I seem to meet so many men that only want sex and I am quick to let them know that I am not looking for that. However I met this guy online and we switched numbers and connected instantly. A few weeks later we set up a date and spent time together. I felt so comfortable around him. I laughed so much that I couldn't believe that I was actually being myself and he enjoyed my company. I hadn't been on a date in years! Long story short, we ended up having sex that night. I gave in because I felt like I could use a little fun and I was ok with it at first because I was really in the mood for it. Even though he still calls and texts me and asks to spend time with me I noticed that he is still always online. I am not too sure of how to take this. I know that most of you are going to say "well you shouldnt have given it up so quick" and I do know that. But I dont know how to feel about this now. What would you do?

Edited March 6, 2012 by sbradford2

[xpaperxcutx]

Can't really backtrack on this. Chances are he is okay with the sex, but since he's still online, he's hoping you'll be looking forward to hooking up again. Tread carefully, if you do not see any potential in him, move on to somebody. Don't fall for the FWB situation.

[USMCHokie]

I know that most of you are going to say "well you shouldnt have given it up so quick" and I do know that.

 

I'm actually not going to say that. You're a f*cking adult, and you enjoyed this dude's company and wanted to sleep with him. You did. This is just you judging yourself because of some preconceived notion that women are "supposed" to wait til date X or else they're a slut.

 

But I dont know how to feel about this now. What would you do?

 

But of course your actions may have consequences and leave you in the dark about where you stand with this guy. But you are not exclusive given the facts, so he is not obligated to not be online on the dating site. If he only wanted to get in your pants, then so be it. You apparently wanted to get into his pants too, so both of you got what you wanted. No regrets.

 

But given that he might actually be a decent guy that wants to explore an actual relationship with you, just keep going with what you're doing. Keep talking on the phone and texting, and keep going on dates. One super important thing to keep in mind:

 

Just because you had sex on the first date, it doesn't mean that any precedent has been established that you MUST have sex on the second date, or the third date...

 

If he bails on you, then you have your answer...

[The_Joker]

Hey, is he good looking at least? Maybe you can use him for a little fun yourself a few more times and take advantage of the situation that way (I'm completely joking here...)

 

First off, is this someone you can see yourself getting into a relationship with? (Don't think about the first date sex yet), If no, then, obviously it's no big deal, but then again, you wouldn't be posting here looking for advice.

 

Now, is HE looking to get into a relationship at all, or does he seem like he's just into having random hook-ups?

 

Either case, you've both only been on ONE date, I would say, go on more, find out more about how he is, spend more time with him. Yes, you already had sex with him, and depending on the type of guy he is, probably set a certain "expectation", but I would say withhold sex for at least the next few dates if you do decide to continue to date him. Find out more about him, and him about you, and then because you yourself have just said you don't want to get intimate with anyone until you find someone that truly wants a healthy, steady relationship that you can connect with. Hopefully that hasn't changed, so get to know him better but no sex for now!

[juliebijoux]

I've done that same thing after being out of a 4 year relationship for 5 months. I don't think it is slutty at all. You wanted to have fun. Sex is good and women shouldn't be ashamed of wanting it. There is a potential that it could work out, if both your plans, wants and personalities are aligned.

 

My problem was that afterwards I was still acting like I had been in a 4 year relationship with a guy I had only known for a week. I would not recommend my mistake of asking to be exclusive after 1 week. The guy was just playing the field and didn't want a relationship. It was good to know that immediately before I got too attached though. Then I went online and found more guys.

 

So what I am doing now is to get to know the guy first, regardless of the sex part of it. Go out a few more times, get to know him in person. See how he acts around you and others. I know how hard it can be though if he is still online and you feel like you put yourself out there by having sex.

 

If it gets to you too much that he is online then go back on yourself and find someone else to date too.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It doesn't always necessarily spell doom just because you had sex on the first date, however that likely means you glazed over a lot of the little stuff...like say ohhh Is he looking for a relationship for just a hook up.

 

But If you had a good time and enjoyed yourself then it's not the worst thing in the world, It's not like you're going to know every single time what the potential will be...and it's still better than stringing yourself a long with a guy that isn't interested in you...wasting years of your time and a ton of emotion.

 

With that being said you're probably not going to be someone he's dropping everything for, you were a good time for him too, but now he knows how much effort to put forth...you kinda took the steam out of the train.

 

Although I think Hokie is right with his bold statement, I don't think in reality that's going to carry a lot of weight. It's like trying to repackage something and sell it off for more than you initially let it go for already. I know that's a crude way of putting it, but you can't go back.

 

Bottom line though is if he was really into you he would still be just as interested in you.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[travelbug1996]

You don't know him well enough to decide whether you want a relationship with him. Slow your ROLL!! If he's interested in anything besides the sex, time will tell.

 

Hang tight and keep your legs closed unless you too just want a good time.

[Andy_K]

Just because you had sex on the first date, it doesn't mean that any precedent has been established that you MUST have sex on the second date, or the third date...

 

Most guys *really* don't react well to a girl suddenly 'pulling back'. At best he'll think she's playing games. At worst he'll think she's totally neurotic and may well give up on her even if he previously did want to date properly.

 

OP, you haven't indicated indicated how you respond to his calls & texts. He could well be genuinely interested, and if you're rebuffing him, of course he's going to be looking for dates elsewhere.

 

What you have to do is bite the bullet and be honest. Communicate with the guy. Tell him that what you're looking for is to date someone which will lead to a great relationship and ask what he's looking for. Tell him that you're only interested in having sex again if it comes with exclusivity, or something like that. If he prefers to keep his options open he of course can, but there will be no sex. If he's on the same page as you, then you can keep going as you started.

 

For the love of god, don't screw up things with a guy who might well be on the same page as you, for the sake of your own neuroses and preconceived notions of when you 'should' or 'shouldn't' have sex.

[USMCHokie]

Most guys *really* don't react well to a girl suddenly 'pulling back'. At best he'll think she's playing games. At worst he'll think she's totally neurotic and may well give up on her even if he previously did want to date properly.

 

I absolutely agree, and in most cases, any sudden regression would be a red flag for me...but this is sort of a special case where a few steps were "skipped" in the traditional sense...so all I meant by the bolded words are that she shouldn't feel compelled or obligated to sleep with him on every date from here on out only for the sake of avoiding dating regression...

[lospantalonsfancie]

Men are people too, just like you. This myth that men are this strange creature that loses interest if you give up sex too easily is just that, a myth. If he loses interest in you after sex, then you were never going to get him for a long-term relationship anyway even if you held off sex, only now you found out right away and saved yourself some time.

[oaks]

Men are people too, just like you. This myth that men are this strange creature that loses interest if you give up sex too easily is just that, a myth. If he loses interest in you after sex, then you were never going to get him for a long-term relationship anyway even if you held off sex, only now you found out right away and saved yourself some time.

 

... and got yourself some sex which, let's face it, you wanted.

[silvermercy]

Well, you did go backwards I'm afraid... Of course it wouldn't matter if you didn't want a serious relationship, but you do I suppose. The reason most women who date don't have sex early, even if they want to, is to protect themselves for men who only want sex. It's not about being a slut and it's not about any 'myths'. It's purely for self-protective reasons. If you think you can handle a possible rejection, then by all means continue either now or in a future date. If you can't, get detached now at least. IF he's interested he will pursue regardless if you slept with him on a first date (besides, he did the same thing, no?). Just don't play games and explain to him clearly what you want so he doesn't get the wrong idea if you pull back from sex now. It will give him very confusing signals.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Well, he still wants to spend time with you, why don't you just do that? And make it clear that the sex was nice but that you got carried away a bit and prefer to spend time with him in a more platonic way.

 

You are in control. If you want to be exclusive and not be FWB, it is sufficient to make that clear to him. He might still be online because he does not know what you want.

[volkl1996]

I would not beat yourself up for having sex on the 1st date...it is what it is..you are both consenting adults..you enjoyed it.

 

I think you are now thinking "now what". If he is still online then he is still looking. Though after 1 date I think still being online is OK. I have met girls who state after 1 date they cancel or set themselves to invlsible online. Their choice though 1 date is not enough for me.

 

Plan/schedule the next date, see how you feel then.

[stillafool]

It's way too soon to be upset that he may continue to search for and date others. You got what you wanted also so fair exchange is not robbery. I don't understand your problem with what he is doing. Did you want him to commit just because he had sex with you on the first date?

[make me believe]

It's way too soon to be upset that he may continue to search for and date others. You got what you wanted also so fair exchange is not robbery. I don't understand your problem with what he is doing. Did you want him to commit just because he had sex with you on the first date?

 

Totally agree.

 

OP, the problem is since you had sex with him you seem to be expecting more from him than you would have otherwise. You've been on ONE date with the guy, it's fine for him to still be online! If you hadn't slept with him would you still be checking his profile, worrying about "what it means," and not accepting the fact that he's actually made it clear that he still wants to spend time with you?? No. (Or at least I hope not!) So you need to chill out, hang out with him again, and go from there.

 

But this is the problem with having sex too soon, IMO. It creates a false sense of intimacy with somebody that you really DON'T know AT ALL, and it raises your expectations for what should happen next.

[FitChick]

If you liked him and the sex, continue to date but date others as well and see who you wind up with. You may dump him for someone better or he may dump other women to stay with you. Stranger things have happened. Being clingy will just push him away.

[fishtaco]

Some excellent posts here on this thread.

 

Just putting in my two cents and say don't worry about it.

 

The truth is, if you two are going to end up together in a relationship, sex on the first date is not going to ruin it. If you two are not going to end up together in a relationship, sex on the first date isn't going to suddenly make a relationship happen either.

 

Sex is sex. It's an pleasurable activity people can optionally do even before committed relationship. So as long as it was consensual on both sides, I see nothing wrong.

 

Just take it easy and see where things go. If you two are not exclusive, you can see other people, that means you too. And I'm a big proponent of multidating, for both men and women. Don't keep all of your eggs in one basket.

[kaylan]

Men are people too, just like you. This myth that men are this strange creature that loses interest if you give up sex too easily is just that, a myth. If he loses interest in you after sex, then you were never going to get him for a long-term relationship anyway even if you held off sex, only now you found out right away and saved yourself some time.

This.

 

Sleeping with a guy or not sleeping with a guy will NOT change his initial opinion of your long term potential. It takes a bit of time to figure out if a chick is girlfriend material. Her sleeping with me after a couple dates or after many dates really wont make much of a difference.

... and got yourself some sex which, let's face it, you wanted.

This as well.

 

You got what you wanted...stop over analyzing this and trying to think yourself as some prude good girl. You had sex, big deal. Be an adult and just roll with it.

 

Its just sex.

Edited March 6, 2012 by kaylan

[silvermercy]

She's over-analyzing it because deep down she wanted exclusivity/commitment (consciously or subconsciously). Unfortunately, it didn't happen as she wished.

[RedRobin]

I honestly don't see how trust can be developed this way. Don't laugh... but I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who would have sex with me on the first date... or who would push for it. Just seems like the behavior of a man who doesn't give a crap about how most LTR's start and just seeing what he could get away with. Come on... you gotta know this folks, don't you?

 

If it were me, I'd apologize for getting carried away, then walk. No offense, it doesn't sound like he's exactly bowled over if he's still surfing profiles. He probably just enjoys getting some while he continues to surf... building the beginnings of a legitimate LTR with someone who makes him wait to get to know her. or just sleeping with other women simultaneously. uh huh. This is multidating I guess. See how many people you can string along? And making up stories about what you do on evenings and weekends? Is that how this works?

 

Too much drama for me, and bad timing. Not to mention, what do you plan to tell the other men you'd be dating?

 

"Oh, I'm just having sex with someone else while I get to know you?" See, that just feels really yucky to me. I wouldn't want someone who would be ok with that either.

[kaylan]

I honestly don't see how trust can be developed this way. Don't laugh... but I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who would have sex with me on the first date... or who would push for it. Just seems like the behavior of a man who doesn't give a crap about how most LTR's start and just seeing what he could get away with. Come on... you gotta know this folks, don't you?

Wait wait...so a girl will toss me aside as a potential bf even though she participated in the sex as well? How does that logic work?

 

Look...sometimes sex just happens. Sometimes you just click so well with someone and things move forward. If it feels natural, it feels natural. If my friendship with the woman moves forward and she seems like long term material, then I will become exclusive with her.

 

When we first had sex really doesnt factor much into whether I think we have long term potential. I find your opinion very mistaken. If I click super well with a girl on the first date, and we kiss, and we just lose ourselves in the moment...then Im just gonna enjoy the ride and see where our relationship goes.

 

What makes us long term compatible, or not, is all the stuff I will find out about her as time goes on.

If it were me, I'd apologize for getting carried away, then walk. No offense, it doesn't sound like he's exactly bowled over if he's still surfing profiles. He probably just enjoys getting some while he continues to surf... building the beginnings of a legitimate LTR with someone who makes him wait to get to know her. or just sleeping with other women simultaneously. uh huh. This is multidating I guess. See how many people you can string along? And making up stories about what you do on evenings and weekends? Is that how this works?

How the hell is someone gonna walk and act like Im not good enough for them when they decided to sleep with me? Wheres the logic in all this. The guy didnt push her for sex. They both liked each other and things moved a bit quickly, but naturally for them. There was a connection. Quit being prude and arrogant. Youre better than the guy you had sex with even though you both decided to have first date sex? Because thats what it seems like youre saying.

 

AND THEYVE BEEN ON ONE DATE. Even if I slept with a girl I really connected with on the first date, Im not putting my eggs all in one basket just yet. I JUST MET HER, right? Jeezus. It takes time to figure out if two people are compatible in a relationship. Relationships take time and work, so why the hell should this guy just delete his profile after ONE date?

 

You are freaking clueless about how men work. Or people in general. Plenty of people have sex within a short time period and still end up in a LTR. Sex doesnt have to be done just one way when it comes to LTRs.

 

Too much drama for me, and bad timing. Not to mention, what do you plan to tell the other men you'd be dating?

 

"Oh, I'm just having sex with someone else while I get to know you?" See, that just feels really yucky to me. I wouldn't want someone who would be ok with that either.

Its none of the other guys' business what shes doing sexually unless shes sleeping with them too. No one has to disclose any of their dating business to anyone they are not serious with. And they definitely dont have to disclose their sexual business to those they are not sleeping with.

 

Its really not much drama, if at all. She simply connected well with a guy, and just needs to calm down and see if they are compatible long term. Take it day by day is all.

 

I dont see why the hell people cant be allowed to multidate. Am I supposed to just stop dating other women or stop having sex with a current FWB just because I had ONE date with someone else? Im really supposed to become celibate or divulge private sexual information to women Im neither dating seriously nor sleeping with?....um....ok

Edited March 6, 2012 by kaylan

[silvermercy]

Am I supposed to just stop dating other women or stop having sex with a current FWB just because I had ONE date with someone else?

If that one date involved sex, then yes. I personally would expect him to drop his FWB like a hot potato. (But then I don't multidate myself or date people who multidate or have FWB or sleep on the first date, so it wouldn't apply to me anyway).

 

I think you misunderstood her post. If I'm not mistaken, I THINK she meant she wouldn't want a guy who wanted/pushed her for sex early on a first date (so I would have to agree with her again). I don't think she meant she wouldn't want a guy with whom she already slept with. That would be hypocritical obviously.

[RonChalant]

My thoughts...your obviously still on the site to so how can you have questions when your doing the same thing. You have no aligence to each other

[RedRobin]

Wait wait...so a girl will toss me aside as a potential bf even though she participated in the sex as well? How does that logic work?

 

Look...sometimes sex just happens. Sometimes you just click so well with someone and things move forward. If it feels natural, it feels natural. If my friendship with the woman moves forward and she seems like long term material, then I will become exclusive with her.

 

When we first had sex really doesnt factor much into whether I think we have long term potential. I find your opinion very mistaken. If I click super well with a girl on the first date, and we kiss, and we just lose ourselves in the moment...then Im just gonna enjoy the ride and see where our relationship goes.

 

What makes her us long term compatible or not is all the stuff I will find out about her as time goes on.

 

How the hell is someone gonna walk and act like Im not good enough for them when they decided to sleep with me? Wheres the logic in all this. The guy didnt push her for sex. They both liked each other and things moved a bit quickly, but naturally for them. They was a connection. Quit being prude and arrogant. Youre better than the guy you had sex with even though you both decided to have first date sex? Because thats what it seems like youre saying.

 

AND THEYVE BEEN ON ONE DATE. Even if I slept with a girl I really connected with on the first date, Im not putting my eggs all in one basket just yet. I JUST MET HER, right? Jeezus. It takes time to figure out if two people are compatible in a relationship. Relationships take time and work, so why the hell should be just delete his profile after ONE date?

 

You are freaking clueless about how men work. Or people in general. Plenty of people have sex within a short time period and still end up in a LTR. Sex doesnt have to be done just one way when it comes to LTRs.

 

 

Its none of the other guys business what shes doing sexually unless shes sleeping with them too. No one has to disclose any of their dating business to anyone they are not serious with. And they definitely dont have to disclose their sexual business to those they are not sleeping with.

 

Its really not much drama, if at all. She simply connected well with a guy, and just needs to calm down and see if there are compatible long term. Take it day by day is all.

 

I dont see why the hell people cant be allowed to multidate. Am I supposed to just stop dating other women or stop having sex with a current steady FWB just because I had ONE date with someone else?

 

I'm not saying I'm better. I'm saying this is probably doomed. She's better off cutting her losses and not jumping in so quick next time.

 

She's probably also better off with a guy who associates sex with exclusivity. If he is still surfing the sites, he's obviously not.

 

The scenario you painted is somewhat different... I could imagine it being something like "whoa.. I didn't expect something this quick. I don't know where this will lead, but I'd like to get to know you better."

 

You both pull down your profiles in the off-chance that maybe, just maybe, it isn't freakin' doomed.

 

But that is not what happened. That is not what is happening.

 

Oh, and why would I 'dump' a guy for first date sex? Because I really do believe that men who know the RISKS of first date sex and really want to get to know me... don't go there. They have a handle on their own sexuality too.

 

If things were rockin' so well, it wouldn't kill him to use that thing on his shoulders to do his part to cool things off and wait for another day... is all I"m saying. Not being prudish at all. Just setting the stage for the best possible outcome, darlin. Yes, I would feel bad. I would feel like crap actually... for having to dump him...but I certainly wouldn't accept all of the responsibility for things getting out of hand so early.

 

Besides, it's always hotter when you wait and know.

 

Oh, and about the multidating, FWB, sex with multiple people thing? I don't do it. I prefer to focus on one person.

 

But that is just me. If it works for you, then that is fine.