Reality Setting In

[Numb79]

I have been straight NC since the break up. About 5 weeks now. I no longer have that feeling in my gut. I feel more of a sadness.... I can't describe this feeling.

 

Perhaps its the reality settling in that it is indeed over? I find myself thinking about how we will never cross paths again. If she were to pass on, I wouldn't even know it. Same goes for me. Its as if one day I will wake up and it will all be just a dream.

 

Its a sad fact of life, but once the healing is completely done.... it will not be on my mind. I mean honestly, how many of you have moved on from an EX and not even thought about them.... or just thought about them when you wanted to. I know its a fact of life.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[ConfoosedOne]

I have been straight NC since the break up. About 5 weeks now. I no longer have that feeling in my gut. I feel more of a sadness.... I can't describe this feeling.

 

Perhaps its the reality settling in that it is indeed over? I find myself thinking about how we will never cross paths again. If she were to pass on, I wouldn't even know it. Same goes for me. Its as if one day I will wake up and it will all be just a dream.

 

Its a sad fact of life, but once the healing is completely done.... it will not be on my mind. I mean honestly, how many of you have moved on from an EX and not even thought about them.... or just thought about them when you wanted to. I know its a fact of life.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Doesn't sound strange to me. I'm only on the third day of NC and all my tears have already been shed (or so it seems). As for her, although she cried relentlessly when she was breaking up with me, she seems to be doing just fine. I feel your feeling. I FEEL that I SHOULD think more about my ex, but I'm not, but we all gotta realize that the NC rule could be a "make-it-or-break-it" kind of deal; either you know how to use it, or you don't.

[Numb79]

Perhaps you don't understand my post....

 

I was asking about the day when we forget.... not necessarily forget but how it won't bother us anymore. How its a sad fact that someone who was in your life for so long.... and had such and impact (good or bad).... will be just a memory. As if it was all just a dream. That one day he/she or yourself may pass before your time... and the other will never know about it.

[The Poster]

One of the hardest things for me was wondering whether or not she still cared about me. I can't tell you how many nights I wondered whether or not she'd shed a tear if I were to die or suffer some kind horrific event.

 

It's hard to accept that someone who was once madly in love with you now could care less about you, even after moving on.

 

I still wonder to this day.

[Pat99]

It happens. Eventually we all are capable of moving on and we just stop thinking about the other person as much as we do post a breakup. Who cares if we die and they don't know it. It's their loss. Just live your life knowing you do the best you can everyday and everything else will fall into place.

[sweetheart5381]

One of the hardest things for me was wondering whether or not she still cared about me. I can't tell you how many nights I wondered whether or not she'd shed a tear if I were to die or suffer some kind horrific event.

 

It's hard to accept that someone who was once madly in love with you now could care less about you, even after moving on.

 

I still wonder to this day.

 

Ya, I felt that way too. Wondered if they cared at all.

 

My sons' father was a cold, criticizing man. I loved him madly inspite of his cold nature. I had alot of tolerance but eventually realized I could no longer love a man that could hurt others so easily. I begged for us to work on the relationship (8yrs by then) and love was dying for me. He ignored my pleas. I decided to leave him, there was no recourse at that point. I left with 2 sons, a minimum wage job and no education. He said I would never make it... he was wrong. I felt that he had loved me but left me along time ago. I was just the one who had the guts to seal the deal, so to speak.

 

He cried and begged for me not to go on the eve that I was moving out. He begged to hold me, touch me, care for me. It was too late inside for me then, he had months and yrs prior to show me all that and the love inside me just died. He went NC when I left, he started sleeping with a new woman the same week.

 

Long story short, I never thought about him again. I have been his co-parent but never again saw him as a loving partner. He pined for me for years, made many attempts to pursuade me back, but there was no way in hell I would do it again. He figured out he loved me, but not til he lost me. That's his burden.

 

So yes, they do care, just not enough to keep the relationship alive in a way that both partners see as fulfilling. Their loss. Don't fret that they don't care, they do...in their own way.

[jus d'orange]

Once the reality truly sunk in for me (after maybe a week), I hit a kind of depression stage where I had to do a lot of really hard thinking. It was a battle between the heart and the mind, where I knew why I was accepting the breakup and why I needed to move on, but my heart wanted to have her back.

 

After a few weeks of that, I gradually fell out of love. It was a very painful process for me. It made this tight feeling in my chest that stuck with me until I really just wept it out. It hurt like hell, but that was the last time that I cried over the end of the relationship. I may cry again at some point, but right now, I am glad to be single again. The memories no longer feel connected to my present, but rather to the past. She really is gone from my life, we aren't speaking, and I am absolutely fine with that. Someday, if she and I speak much again, I'd like us to regain the friendship we had; however, I have no agenda for such an arrangement, nor do I need it in anyway.

 

This morning, I awoke, and I thought of a lot of things before I thought of her. I've actually been hanging out with someone new, just letting things happen, and I'm more likely to think of her at the moment than I am of my ex. Perhaps, she has been thinking of me. Perhaps she started to move on sooner than I did. All I hope is that she is finding happiness the way that I am; I do not need her to think of me at all, because I do not need her pity or her guilt. Rather, because I know that a 5 year relationship (almost 4 years of it romantic) that disappeared from her life suddenly must have left a huge hole (because she left knowing that I still loved her), she will undoubtedly think of me and what I meant. She will forever be an important person in my life, and I in hers, thus, I'm sure I'll think of her from time to time. But it is absolutely as a memory, no longer a part of my current emotional situation.

 

I think you need to reconcile with yourself the fact that her thoughts should not impact how you live your life now. At first, I was so desperate to know if she was thinking of me... if she cared. Now, however, I am focused 100% on myself and the life I have around me and in front of me, not the chapter that has now passed. I'll revisit the memories to go over what I've learned, but I am committed to moving on.

[a_bit_lost]

jus d'orange - i liked that, I desperately want to be as strong as you and to be able to be where you're at.

[rach24680]

Perhaps you don't understand my post....

 

I was asking about the day when we forget.... not necessarily forget but how it won't bother us anymore. How its a sad fact that someone who was in your life for so long.... and had such and impact (good or bad).... will be just a memory. As if it was all just a dream. That one day he/she or yourself may pass before your time... and the other will never know about it.

 

It is sad its awful to think about really, but like you saud soon enough that will be reality and youl wonder why u got so upset in thinking that, it only gies away when either youve been broke up for years abd tge pain has well and trully gone or when you meet someone new abd they take up all ur time in a positive way. Dont worry about it, remember the good timed and remember you deserve to be with someone that makes you BOTH happy

[Chs]

Perhaps you don't understand my post....

 

I was asking about the day when we forget.... not necessarily forget but how it won't bother us anymore. How its a sad fact that someone who was in your life for so long.... and had such and impact (good or bad).... will be just a memory. As if it was all just a dream. That one day he/she or yourself may pass before your time... and the other will never know about it.

 

I keep waiting for this day, but it seems to never come. She is just always at the back of my mind, sometimes its imaginary conversations, thoughts of memories or she just lingers at the back of my mind. It's been like this every day for soon 5 months, that is more than half our relationship! I want to feel nothing, and put it all behind me, but i don't know how or when that will happen.

[g450]

I can only speak for myself. To me you never really stop thinking about the X and that's not a bad thing. This is normal for any long term marriage with a child. You will always think about them from time to time. How could you not? I do NOT however let those thoughts control my life.

 

I obsessed about my XW for about a year. The second year I started to really live my life and had found love from another woman who treated me right. That was my turning point. I realized how badly my X treated me and how I could do so much better.

 

It is different for different people. I see folks here who are still obsessing and hurting over their X after five or more years. That would kill me. It was draining enough for the first 12 months.

 

Eventually life happens whether you realize it or not. And one day you will wake up and think about what you want to do on the weekend instead of "gee I wonder what the X is doing". It's at that point when things start to all fall back into place.

 

So before you realize it you will wake up and think things like "gee I wonder if I can afford a motorcycle?" or "man I wonder if my GF is going to wear that neglegee again this friday" etc. Out with the bad and in with the good!

[g450]

I would also share though that I do on occasion see my XW and that tends to put a little hurt on me. Roughly only once every six months or so because my Son lives with her. Hurts like hell but I always bounce back and I keep my emotions in check when I go there. And I only go there when I have too and avoid her if possible.

 

Now I really dont think about her unless my Fiancee happens to ask me something about her LOL. The other night I was giving her a massage and she asks me "did you do this for your XW?" Oh man I was really afraid to answer that question LOL. But I was honest and simply said "yes" but that I did not want to think about that. It did kind of make me smile to think that my X used to enjoy that but she would never have that again LOL.

 

Ooops, there I go thinking about the X again.

[tgr172]

Numb 79, I know exactly what you are saying. Its that closing of a chapter, the end of a very wonderful period of one’s life. Never to reemerge quite the same again. It is very sad indeed because it wasn’t supposed to be simply a chapter it was imagined to be a part of your whole life, someone part of your soul that had a look or sound that is imprinted on your mind. If you are lucky you will indeed be able to one day not even have a pang when you think of them.

 

I see so many younger posters with heartache breaking up with someone after a few months that are still young and I think that they do have the time and to be quite honest a few months is more infatuation than real love. They will come out the other side just fine. Those that pull someone into their soul and love them without reservation completely are a different matter. The thought of that void and knowing its gone forever, no more expectations. The stupid sound of them fussing at the dog or how they look on a rainy day in their torn robe and beat up slippers that you saw as pure beauty is past. I sometime wonder if those with GIG or a situation like sweathearts or those with childhood issues that make them incapable of real love aren’t the lucky ones. They can turn it off and not look back. How I wish I had that capacity. They are very resilient. I don't. I am cursed with the ability to love deeply and committedly.

 

I know what you’re thinking so don't! I also don't fall in love easily at all, in fact only a couple of times in my life can I say it was truly in love. Once when I was a very young man (time did heal that one) but it was nothing like this recent one (5yr relationship). I often liked alot, or thought of someone as very special but never loved as I think of love. So I understand how very unique and special it was when love really happened to me. Its not a manner of going out and doing it again. I know some that meet a compatible person whom they are attracted to and are comfortable with that settle with that. I have had that many times but never would settle for that. Love to me is much much deeper than that. There is that intangible thing that can’t be defined that happens when THAT person comes into your life and you know it because you have been around the block a few times. Then you let them in, take the risk, and willingly expose your heart. When they go away, to simply say “well Ill just go find another” isn’t reality. I also know some that can do that. Get their heart broken often but through sheer quantity they find a keeper and also come out the other side just fine also.

 

That feeling and warmth of soul disappearing I don't feel ever goes away. I think it just becomes something that is a daily item you learn to accept and your heart immediately switches away from... like your hand does when it touches a hot stove. It’s a protection mechanism. Advice don't try to repeat the same special moments with someone else… you will just become disappointed and sad. If you are one of those special people who find THAT person to truely let into your soul and it becomes a life event not just a chapter, count yourself as blessed. If you are not then let your heart develope that mechanism.

Edited March 7, 2012 by tgr172

[Numb79]

That was a very deep reply.....

Reading it actually made me sad.