Am I the wrong one?

March 6, 2012

I am a young new mom and wife. My son is only a month old and the greastest gift I've ever received. I've questioned wether I have postpardum depression but my troubles I'm having are only with my husband. He is great with the baby but I guess I feel lonely and like I do all the work. He will play videogames from late afternoon until 4 or so in the morning, then not wake up with the baby because he doesn't hear him so I have to get up with the baby all night. Also, I am the only one working and I take care of everything around the house. I feel selfish for saying these things because I love my husband but I feel taken advantage of. Also, my husband has back problems and has had surgery. He takes painkillers to help with the pain he says but I feel he goes beyond that point to get a "buzz" cuz he acts all speedy and annoying. He also acts lovey and affectionate towards me which throws me off guard and annoys me because he doesn't do these things when he's off the pills. He says he just acts this way because he's happy because his back isn't hurting. When he's off them he pinchs my boobs and rubs me in other areas too thinking I like it (he does it in public too). He has also been calling me names and hitting me (in a joking way of course) but it still hurts physically sometimes but hurts my feelings as well. Also, in bed at night he won't cuddle with me or touch me unless sex is going to be involved. We don't do anything as a couple or family because i feel all his time is consumed with his videogame. Am i the wrong one? Am I overthinking everything? I just need help with this because I really do love my husband and don't want our relationship to fall apart.

March 6, 2012

Congratulations on your new baby!

I can only imagine the amount of stress you're under right now as you and your hubby go through this big change. Your whole lives have just been uprooted! He seems to be dealing with this change much differently than you, and I can understand your frustration. I don't think any of your thoughts or feelings are wrong. I only wonder how you're communicating these feelings with him, and allowing him to make a change.

Have you spoken with him? My advice would be to not come at him with all of your pent up frustrations about everything you mentioned. I would pick one problem, to start And be positive, and encouraging...not accusatory and angry (as much as possible!).

And definitely don't discount the emotional feelings post-partum; they are common, and can be overcome...with time or proactive intervention.

March 6, 2012

I am a young new mom and wife. My son is only a month old and the greastest gift I've ever received. I've questioned wether I have postpardum depression but my troubles I'm having are only with my husband. He is great with the baby but I guess I feel lonely and like I do all the work. He will play videogames from late afternoon until 4 or so in the morning, then not wake up with the baby because he doesn't hear him so I have to get up with the baby all night. Also, I am the only one working and I take care of everything around the house. I feel selfish for saying these things because I love my husband but I feel taken advantage of. Also, my husband has back problems and has had surgery. He takes painkillers to help with the pain he says but I feel he goes beyond that point to get a "buzz" cuz he acts all speedy and annoying. He also acts lovey and affectionate towards me which throws me off guard and annoys me because he doesn't do these things when he's off the pills. He says he just acts this way because he's happy because his back isn't hurting. When he's off them he pinchs my boobs and rubs me in other areas too thinking I like it (he does it in public too). He has also been calling me names and hitting me (in a joking way of course) but it still hurts physically sometimes but hurts my feelings as well. Also, in bed at night he won't cuddle with me or touch me unless sex is going to be involved. We don't do anything as a couple or family because i feel all his time is consumed with his videogame. Am i the wrong one? Am I overthinking everything? I just need help with this because I really do love my husband and don't want our relationship to fall apart.

Let's see you have a one month old baby whom you have to get up at night to care for, you're already back at work & are the sole bread winner. Your hubby take too many opiate pain killers killers, has started hitting & verbally abusing you.

So what exactly is it that you "love" about this person?

March 6, 2012

Congratulations on your new baby!

I can only imagine the amount of stress you're under right now as you and your hubby go through this big change. Your whole lives have just been uprooted! He seems to be dealing with this change much differently than you, and I can understand your frustration. I don't think any of your thoughts or feelings are wrong. I only wonder how you're communicating these feelings with him, and allowing him to make a change.

Have you spoken with him? My advice would be to not come at him with all of your pent up frustrations about everything you mentioned. I would pick one problem, to start And be positive, and encouraging...not accusatory and angry (as much as possible!).

And definitely don't discount the emotional feelings post-partum; they are common, and can be overcome...with time or proactive intervention.

so should she air her alloted "one problem" to him before or after he hits her when he's joking around?

Edited March 6, 2012 by soserious1

March 6, 2012

so should she air her alloted "one problem" to him before or after he hits her when he's joking around?

Well, if his annoying habit of "hitting" her is her primary concern, then she should start by talking about that.

But, I have a feeling that he's not trying to be abusive...he may not even know that it bothers her. I don't know how the communication is going in this relationship. Also, he could do this every now and then, and the OP may have more pressing needs in her life right now. The OP began her post with frustration about "doing all the work", which I imagine is where she really needs the most support, asap.

I don't think she'll get much accomplished if she unleashes everything on him all at once.

March 6, 2012

I am a young new mom and wife. My son is only a month old and the greastest gift I've ever received. I've questioned wether I have postpardum depression but my troubles I'm having are only with my husband. He is great with the baby but I guess I feel lonely and like I do all the work. He will play videogames from late afternoon until 4 or so in the morning, then not wake up with the baby because he doesn't hear him so I have to get up with the baby all night. Also, I am the only one working and I take care of everything around the house. I feel selfish for saying these things because I love my husband but I feel taken advantage of.

You ARE being taken advantage of. He is NOT being a good husband by spending all that time on games and ignoring you and the baby AND letting you take care of the house too. Shame on him! This is so unfair and I'm sorry to say that the longer you tolerate it as it is, the less it will change. People treat us how we allow them to and unfortunately your husband sounds like he is being an immature jerk.

Also, my husband has back problems and has had surgery. He takes painkillers to help with the pain he says but I feel he goes beyond that point to get a "buzz" cuz he acts all speedy and annoying. He also acts lovey and affectionate towards me which throws me off guard and annoys me because he doesn't do these things when he's off the pills. He says he just acts this way because he's happy because his back isn't hurting. When he's off them he pinchs my boobs and rubs me in other areas too thinking I like it (he does it in public too).

It sounds like he might have a problem with the drugs or maybe the start of one, how long has he been on them? Also.......if you firmly tell him that it hurts when he does that and it embarrassed you for him to do that in public, I would see it as disrespectful and beyond rude. Perhaps you should grab his gonads hard and say oh I was just kidding to show him how it feels.

He has also been calling me names and hitting me (in a joking way of course) but it still hurts physically sometimes but hurts my feelings as well.

The Above, now that scares me, sometimes abuse is covered up by the abuser by saying they are joking, playing around. You know deep down that it's cruel and ugly that he is doing that to you and don't kid yourself, he knows it too, or else he wouldn't be coming up with bs about him joking. A man who loves and cherishes his wife does not do that to her, under any circumstances.

Also, in bed at night he won't cuddle with me or touch me unless sex is going to be involved. We don't do anything as a couple or family because i feel all his time is consumed with his videogame. Am i the wrong one? Am I overthinking everything? I just need help with this because I really do love my husband and don't want our relationship to fall apart.

If you were my daughter and you came to me with this story, it would break my heart, because your husband is being an immature jerk who is bordering on, if not already being abusive and brushing it off saying he was joking. THIS PISSES ME OFF FOR YOU! I would suggest you talk to him very seriously and you let him know that the things you wrote about are intolerable to you and please don't let him make you think it's your fault or that you are being too sensitive because you are NOT. You also should think seriously about what consequences he will have if he doesn't cut it out. Those behaviors you describe are not acceptable. With a month old baby, he should be the shoulder that you can lean on and a example of being a good man. He is NOT being those things. Please take care of yourself and that precious baby and don't let this go on as it is because I'm afraid it will get worse for you. It's really not OK and you are NOT overreacting.

Hugs......

March 6, 2012

Well, if his annoying habit of "hitting" her is her primary concern, then she should start by talking about that.

But, I have a feeling that he's not trying to be abusive...he may not even know that it bothers her. I don't know how the communication is going in this relationship. Also, he could do this every now and then, and the OP may have more pressing needs in her life right now. The OP began her post with frustration about "doing all the work", which I imagine is where she really needs the most support, asap.

I don't think she'll get much accomplished if she unleashes everything on him all at once.

Since the guy doesn't work, cook, clean or help at night with the baby

I'd say he's had zero problems "unleashing everything all at once' on the OP.

Sorry but I'd say a lot stronger action is in order & pretty quickly, the OP's life sounds like a living hell.

March 6, 2012

Let's see you have a one month old baby whom you have to get up at night to care for, you're already back at work & are the sole bread winner. Your hubby take too many opiate pain killers killers, has started hitting & verbally abusing you.

So what exactly is it that you "love" about this person?

That's what i'm trying to figure out. I love the old him, the guy i knew up until a few weeks after the baby was born. I don't know if he's really changed or if i'm just seeing things differently cuz of the baby and overreacting...

March 6, 2012

That's what i'm trying to figure out. I love the old him, the guy i knew up until a few weeks after the baby was born. I don't know if he's really changed or if i'm just seeing things differently cuz of the baby and overreacting...

congratulations on your newborn.. hang in there!

if you love this person, that's fine!

but i think you need to love yourself first!

if you want to fix this, you need to make sure that your husband understands his responsibilities for his baby and you. your motherly instincts has kicked in and usually it takes for guys a little bit slower to get their paternal instinct. i think video games are for kids. im not a medical expert but isnt he suppose to be stretching his back as oppose to just sitting around playing Vgames?

March 6, 2012

Personally I think you should kick off... BIG TiME!.. but what can I say? It does seem that everything is hitching on you not wanting to rock the boat.

People are like blood hounds and can smell that ****..

Build yourself up, making sure you tell your Health Visitor everything (good God I hope you Americans at least have Health Visitors)

Girl, get primal. This is your baby and from now the little one needs a role model. Put up with this and you are basically hard wiring the childs brain to take ****.

Don't think it is about anything else. This is more important than anything you are going through.

Your man has to step up or accept that he is not able to strengthen his gene pool.

You have to be a Mum now.

Of course you may also just be weak and this is just how it is for you. Poor choices and all that.

Take care,

Eve x

March 6, 2012

What husband "jokingly" hits his wife and calls her names? He shouldn't be hitting you or calling you names, no matter WHAT context it is in.

He may be developing a problem with opiate pills as well, his behavior is definately becoming strange which may be a result of the drug use. Have you tried talking to him about any of this?

March 6, 2012

I have tried talking to him about all of these things but he either doesn't think I'm being serious or gets mad and turns the argument around on me as if i'm the bad one. Also, he had problems with the pills before but he was clean from them for a few months before the baby was born and just started them again...

March 6, 2012

I have tried talking to him about all of these things but he either doesn't think I'm being serious or gets mad and turns the argument around on me as if i'm the bad one. Also, he had problems with the pills before but he was clean from them for a few months before the baby was born and just started them again...

Ah, this is key. He is an addict and probably started taking pills again to deal with stress and anxiety of new parenthood. Would he be open to counseling, like substance abuse or marriage counseling?

March 8, 2012

Thanks for all the advice guys!...I tried to talk to him with no luck and don't know once again what to do :/...he got mad and stormed out. I'm so lost and hurt

March 8, 2012

I tried to talk to him with no luck and don't know once again what to do :/...he got mad and stormed out.

I vote for changing the locks..

March 8, 2012

Congratulations on your new baby!

Have you spoken with him? My advice would be to not come at him with all of your pent up frustrations about everything you mentioned. I would pick one problem, to start And be positive, and encouraging...not accusatory and angry (as much as possible!).

Are you kidding? Positive and encouraging?

She's supposed to handle him with kid gloves when he:

* Plays videogames for most of his waking hours

* Never gets up with the baby

* Does not have a job or income, leaving that to her

* Does not help around the house, leaving that to her as well

* Is high on painkillers most of his waking hours

* Pinches her boobs and other private areas in public, when she dislikes it

* Calls her names

* Hits her (joking, of course)

* Shows no physical affection other than sexually

I have a great imagination, yet there is NO WAY that I can envision how a woman with a one month old baby would broach these transgressions in a "positive and encouraging" fashion, or why that would even be appropriate.

More suitable would be "get off your ass, help around here, get off the pills and treat me with respect or GET OUT."

Somehow I don't see that happening, though.

And definitely don't discount the emotional feelings post-partum; they are common, and can be overcome...with time or proactive intervention.

I do agree that she might have post-partum depression, but this has NOTHING to do with the behaviors of the new father, unless it is so severe that she is hallucinating and he really does none of the heinous stuff listed.

Anyway, OP, if this situation is real, I'm afraid you have chosen a child as a father for your baby. I don't think that you can make another person grow up. Take care of yourself and your baby and start to get used to the fact that there isn't going to be much positive coming from this guy.

March 8, 2012

So, is there anything about this guy that's not 100% loserly? You've depicted him as a completely hopeless. Except you love him.

March 8, 2012

So, is there anything about this guy that's not 100% loserly? You've depicted him as a completely hopeless. Except you love him.

Well, OP commented that he was "sweet and wonderful" before the baby came. So maybe he freaked out when he realized he was going to be a father? Or it was an excuse to relapse, which is the more likely scenerio. Even though he does NOTHING, the "stress" he feels just having a baby around is probably justifying his need for the pills. If he felt happy, relaxed, and fullfilled, he would no longer have a reason to take them to get high. He'd be good to go.

Unfortunately OP married an addict, not factoring in that a relapse could occur. Addicts have split personalities, when they are high they are like monsters just destroying everyone's feelings/hopes/dreams, when they are sober they are caring, kind, honest, and loveable.

I think she needs to give him an ultimatum, that he needs to go to rehab or get out. Talking is obviously not working at this point.

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