amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 So I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, and in that time we have gone out on 8 or 9 dates. On the last date things went to the next level. But the next day he seem to pull away from me some. Not as chatty, takes much much longer to respond to texts and not as flirty as he has been since day 1, but still he has communicated with me. It's only been a few days, but should I just give up on this now or wait it out?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Well....a guy who seems to be all over you, then gets to the next level with you then all of a sudden backs off....hmmm I wonder what that means..hmmm. Yes, I'm sorry to say but this sounds like a reaction to him getting what he finally wanted. But honestly the most drastic thing that gives me the impression is your reaction that you think after a few days that you should give up. That tells me that that you're on the insecure side and feeling the emotional hit of him taking his foot on the gas now that he has been intimate with you. And it also tells me you may feel he's not really into you or even know. It seems true that after he got there with you and now he's backing off is a sign that he is likely not interested in you for something more. Because of he was he would be contacting you and telling you how great of a time he had, or how special you are or some other crap like that. The other factor is it seems like you're reading too much into this as well and kind of used to being put on the back burner by men. Do you have the inability to ask him what he is feeling? did you not in these past few weeks ask him relationship questions or did you just let him take you along and you sit there on your hands patiently until he decides what to do with you and you decide whether you trust him and want to give it up? What kind of intimacy is that? Do you just expect the man to dictate anything and you have the inability to speak and question what is going on here? I'm being harsh on you because these are things that you should be doing and thinking about, you shouldn't just be floating along letting this guy lead the way into who knows what...a fling? a fwb relationship? an actual relationship? (I'm assuming this since you sound so much in the dark with this guy) Being that you didn't discuss anything serious and convey any serious emotions yet It appears that you were simply dated for a good time. These passive and hanging on the ropes tactics aren't going to get you to understand what men want, just leave you confused when their actions change, you've got to be in more control of what you're apart of, you don't have to just sit there and let the guys make all the decisions. See what happens at this point, you should start asking the tough questions now instead of stringing yourself along. This may just be that he's busy or what not If you're lucky, otherwise he got what he wanted and his attention and priorities is elsewhere.
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I did ask him the next day after he seemed different if I was getting the next day brush off( thought I'd give him an out if he wanted it), and he assured me that he was just busy. And today he contacted me first and mentioned that he had the Flu. So I don't know if he is just busy/sick or if he is just now pulling back from me (which is what it feels like).
FitChick Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Tell him you want to bring over some homemade chicken soup and take care of him.
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Yeah I would, but he's just relocated to this area and is currently staying with relatives. lol
curlygirl40 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Ugh! Hopefully I'm not speaking too much out of turn here but here goes. What frustrates me about this is that men KNOW that after you are intimate with a woman, she kind of needs to be reassured. So the fact that he pulled away and then gave you a lame excuse is LAME. Maybe he is sick. Maybe he's not sure if he's still into you. Maybe it was just about the sex for him. Maybe you two have no chemistry in the bedroom. Either way, if he really did pull away and you're not just imagining it because you're being a little insecure, it's just rude and very telling of his character. Even if he was coming down with the flu or whatever, he should have still had the decency to reassure you in some way. You teach people how to treat you, and to me that's crummy. So your question really should be, do you want to continue carrying on with a guy like that? If you don't start asking the tough questions, like Ninja says, you're teaching him that it's o.k to do this again. Be intimate, pull away, she'll still come back. Oh and to call him on it and give him an out might have seemed like a good idea, but he's not going to be honest at that moment I don't think. It's a crappy way to feel the day after you shared an intimate moment with someone. Edited March 6, 2012 by curlygirl40
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 The only reason I'm even saying you should keep talking to this guy amergrl is because you seem to really need this experience...If you can't see through the lies, or you can read between the lines then unless you come online and ask people who can then you're just going to be turned around in circles by every man. You've got to learn how this crap works, you've got to be able to see through the excuses and tell yourself to do better. Obviously no man is going to be too busy or sick to talk to you, do you really believe that?
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Ugh yeah I understand what you are saying but he has talked to me, just not the same as he did before. I gave him an out, he didn't take it. And then after I gave him the out he said I was acting weird. I don't know what all that means, maybe he thinks I'm the one backing out. It's only been 2 days, maybe he is just sick today. I've been in a new relationship and been so sick that I didn't feel like talking to someone much. So yeah I guess it's just a wait and see at this point. But that's like torture.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Just make a promise to yourself that whatever happens you're going to try and get all the information you can. Practice building up the courage to ask the tough questions, drill his ass, he's a man right? let him act like one. Light a fire under his ass, when he tries to wiggle out or throw you an excuse make him work for it, don't let his little remarks or bull**** like you're just being weird, or insecure blow you off...he's going to try and turn the table to get some breathing room, you gotta just see through that and keep pushing. Any guy who's really into you isn't just going to give you up and let you go, so If you're worried about pushing a guy away you're only worried about pushing away the douche bags because a guy who's really into you is just as worried about losing you as you are him. And you have to be able to trust in that or you're going to get played and left without answers, don't be scared, there's nothing to be scared of, stand up for yourself...take the ball in your court, don't sit on the sidelines and wait for him to feed you half-ass excuses and the waters calm by avoiding important questions. I'll even make it easy for you and give you some questions you need to ask him; Are you looking for a relationship? What are the most important things in your life to you right now? What potential do you see coming out this? Are you developing any emotions or have you? ..... Guys hate to answer those kinds of questions If they're not really into you, they hate to be drilled about their emotions and the excuses will come flying out...blah blah derr I'm not really looking for something serious right now or umm im not sure how i feel yet, we just met even though i stuck it in you, and err I'm focused on my life right now priority but it would be nice in the future...etc.. Make him squirm a little, you're going to get answers...whether he tells you straight up or bull****s you, you're going to at least detect dishonesty or where he's trying to avoid your questions, and this will tell you a lot at the least. Edited March 6, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) You're right in a lot of ways and I get that. I do. I just think it's to soon to completely write him off at this point. Another day or two of this then yes I will. And also I do agree that I probably do need to ask some more important questions. Edited March 6, 2012 by amergirl_08
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks everyone but I may have had a melt down this morning and said he seemed differently towards me and that maybe that was my cue to bow out gracefully. He responded with a response of he has been really sick and that I do really over think things and well ok. He hadn't been too sick to post stuff on facebook though(which I did not express to him). He assume I thought he was lying, which I wasn't. I just thought his feelings had changed. I responded with in my experience when someone has asked you how your day was etc for a month and suddenly stops there is a reason. He said something about like ugh I guess your gonna believe what you want. And that was it. I will never understand men!!!
TeeZee Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Good for you. Now you have your answer. His response of putting it on you gives him his exit. As a guy, I am careful not to act like super-boyfriend (talking every day) with a gal if I'm not serious. He went full steam ahead, then slowed down, so of course it leaves you wondering. Forget him. Next!
theories_galore Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 ...Any guy who's really into you isn't just going to give you up and let you go, so If you're worried about pushing a guy away you're only worried about pushing away the douche bags because a guy who's really into you is just as worried about losing you as you are him. And you have to be able to trust in that or you're going to get played and left without answers, don't be scared, there's nothing to be scared of, stand up for yourself...take the ball in your court, don't sit on the sidelines and wait for him to feed you half-ass excuses and the waters calm by avoiding important questions... A very good point!
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks, somewhere in my head I know you all are right. But right now it still feels kind of crappy.
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Just as an update, and the need for some more advice, this is what has happened in the last few days. Later the evening after the meltdown we had a further discussion. I apologized again for the meltdown, explained that it was a gut reaction to what an ex had done to me many many times in the past and that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer days before(something I hadn't mention previously). He responded with "It's ok sometimes people just have to take some time to deal with things". Then later he said my meltdown had made him realized two things. A. That maybe I wasn't quite over my ex yet and B. things were getting more serious than he was ready for. I then asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said no I didn't have to leave him alone we just needed to take things "easy". I agreed and also agree that maybe we had been moving too fast. I said I would still like to hang out with him and he said yeah we can totally still be friends. I then said I had always had a suspicion that he wasn't quite over someone yet either and he got a bit defensive saying that he was totally over that person since the middle of December. I ended the conversation there saying I hadn't intended on making him mad. He then surprisingly texted me the next day, we exchanged pleasantries for the day, and I let the conversation drop at the first place it seemed ok to do so. I didn't really want to go overboard with the conversation at that point. I then texted him the next morning and again we exchanged pleasantries for the day and he told me he was going on a weekend trip to visit friends. I asked briefly about the trip and told him to have fun. Then that evening I sent a text saying that if he still wanted to go see the movie he had been wanting to go see that I'd still like to go with him. I said I'd understand if he didn't want to but that I thought I'd at least ask. He responded with "Yeah that sounds good". I sent a smiley and that was it. It is now the evening the next day and I have not contacted him today, in attempts to give him some space and enjoy his trip. He has not contacted me either. I am not sure what any of this means. Does he want to take things slower as in "easy" or does he want to be friends? In contacting me the next day, does that still show some interest or is he just being nice? And before any one says anything about the trip maybe not being a real trip, I saw on facebook where he had posted something on one of his friends updates about going on a trip before he even told me about it. So I do believe there really is a trip.
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Do not contact him. See if he reaches out to you. 1
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Yeah, that was my plan at this point mostly. I figured I might ask how his trip went Monday or Tuesday if I don't hear anything. Just to be nice and show I am still interested. But I don't know, I don't want to come off as desperate either.
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Partly too, I wonder if when I said I'd like to still hang out after he said we need to take it "easy" that he thinks I put him in the friendzone. Maybe he did just want a slow down.
spiderowl Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 A. That maybe I wasn't quite over my ex yet and B. things were getting more serious than he was ready for. Hmm, had you said anything about not being over your ex? If not, that is something of a presumption. Actually, it sounds to me like he's pushing some of his waning interest on to you. 'You' are not over your ex. He does say that things are getting more serious than he is ready for, which could also mean that he doesn't want serious at all and he's detecting it matters to you. I agree with a previous poster that you are being fairly passive and letting him make all the decisions. I can quite understand why and where you are coming from with this - you want to know he is interested in you and therefore that he is making all the moves towards you, both physically and in the way of commitment. But, I just get a sense that the way you are doing things is giving him an idea that you don't feel you are worthy of his time and effort. You aren't giving him a clear indication that if he's not looking for the same as you, you won't continue. You are letting him drift and be fuzzy. This might help with someone who is unclear but people are often unclear because they don't feel that mad attraction they feel they need. I think if you demonstrate that you aren't waiting around for him, he will either give up (because he was always intending to anyway) or realise that he'd better pull his socks up because you are not a lady to be messed with (you are demonstrating your self-worth). Fuzziness is not fun. Don't wait around for him. If he can't be forthright and make a date and tell you how much he is attracted to and interested in you (without prompting), then let him go. Don't you deserve someone who knows they want you and is more concerned about you finding someone else than coming up with lame comments like you are not 'over your ex'?
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 We had had a brief conversation about our last exs keeping us on roller coaster rides and getting stuck in the fwb zone. It was very brief and not detailed. During my meltdown I had mentioned that him seemingly changing the next day had triggered some of the crap my ex had done to me over and over. I apologized and said it was not fair to judge him by his actions. It's not that I'm not over him though, it's just sometimes scars are more visible than we'd like them to be.
Author amergirl_08 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 And couldn't he be reading me as fuzzy as well.
TeeZee Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It seems to me that you are in a mental place where you are being very analytical about this situation- looking for signs of his interest, etc. Any time I am that stuck in my head over a relationship, it does not go well. I'd do things I'd like to do and spend time with other people. Get some exercise, do something fun and stop thinking about it. Do you have a history of putting all your energy into a relationship?
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