nevadagirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 i've been addicted to reading the "missed connections" section of CL since over a year ago when the first time my ex dumped me he told me he wrote me one there. the thing is, i've spotted a few that i feel very strongly he wrote. you know what, i'm not even going to say "i feel very strongly" - i KNOW he wrote them. i know this isn't healthy. because now i'm feeling sad. whereas once i read them sort of out of habit but now i think i'm desperate for some other...bread crumb. i was wondering if maybe i do this in some incredibly stupid and vain hope of getting some kind of apology? some acknowledgement that he did me dirty? see...i read this one about a week and a half ago that i felt very strongly he wrote. and it was everything i wanted to hear. that he was sorry. and he was wrong. and he wanted us to work. that he knew i read these ads and he was reaching out there because he had trouble admitting he was wrong. it was the apology i've wanted for months. i don't want to get back together but i so desperately seem to want that acknowledgement that i meant something. and there it was....in a ****ing craigslist ad. the next day i was so mad at myself for CONVINCING myself he wrote something to me without any real way of knowing because there was no way i was going to respond to it. and then i saw that the ad had been deleted. it wasn't even there a day. so i felt even more stupid. two days later there is a new, different ad, but it solidified that i wasn't wrong. that it WAS him. there was this...nonchalant message about Nothing Important but he put his name in it. and his name isn't John ok, he doesn't have the most common name. the new ad contained no apologies. it was similar to the email messages he'd send me right after we broke up - just la de da here's a nothing message, but it will remind you i'm alive. why am i so desperate to feel like i meant something? why can't i just accept that i didn't? as stupid as it may be - the apology was right there - and it was deleted. and it was replaced with a Nothing Message that he knew i couldn't mistake for anyone but him because he put his ****ing name on it. why delete the heartfelt message? delete it before i could see it? because it was a lie? i feel like such a ****ing loser.
Philosoraptor Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 First, stop reading craigslist. It's like heroin for you. Next, you did mean something for someone to take the time to do such a thing. But in the end, who cares what he thinks anymore? You are looking for closure from someone else rather than looking for it from within. 1
light_vader Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 why am i so desperate to feel like i meant something? why can't i just accept that i didn't? as stupid as it may be - the apology was right there - and it was deleted. Because you're still confusing forgiveness. See, a big part of moving on is forgiving. The same way you really give something, when you don't ask for anything in return, otherwise it would be business, the same way you forgive WITHOUT permission or written consent of the other person. If you're there feeling miserable, waiting for him to come at your door soaked in tears, telling you he's sorry, on his knees, then you're just thinking with ego and hatred. Maybe you're even expecting to accept him back. When you forgive, you do it from within, you don't do it because the person asks for it. That is real forgiveness. And in the process you also forgive yourself, for giving into negative thoughts and for thinking you are perfect and not having in account you can, and will, fail many times in your lifetime.
Author nevadagirl Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Because you're still confusing forgiveness. See, a big part of moving on is forgiving. The same way you really give something, when you don't ask for anything in return, otherwise it would be business, the same way you forgive WITHOUT permission or written consent of the other person. If you're there feeling miserable, waiting for him to come at your door soaked in tears, telling you he's sorry, on his knees, then you're just thinking with ego and hatred. Maybe you're even expecting to accept him back. When you forgive, you do it from within, you don't do it because the person asks for it. That is real forgiveness. And in the process you also forgive yourself, for giving into negative thoughts and for thinking you are perfect and not having in account you can, and will, fail many times in your lifetime. This makes a lot of sense. But I don't know how to forgive him. How do you forgive someone you know isn't sorry? You're right. Months later and the anger has faded. But I think I may still be coming from a place of hate. I don't want to be like this anymore.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 This makes a lot of sense. But I don't know how to forgive him. How do you forgive someone you know isn't sorry? You're right. Months later and the anger has faded. But I think I may still be coming from a place of hate. I don't want to be like this anymore. Phooey on forgiving that guy. Forgive yourself because you are beating yourself up over him. Just concentrate on YOU.
Mr Scorpio Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 But I don't know how to forgive him. How do you forgive someone you know isn't sorry? My initial response was to say that forgiveness is something that you give to yourself, not something that you give to him. However, that doesn't really explain how to do it. So, maybe you don't forget him and focus on the fact that he was just a so-and-so who did you wrong, and it is better that you got out when you did rather than having it drag on? If he treated you poorly, he isn't worth your time!
light_vader Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 But I don't know how to forgive him. How do you forgive someone you know isn't sorry? You're right. Months later and the anger has faded. But I think I may still be coming from a place of hate. I don't want to be like this anymore. It's harder than it sounds! That is the supreme forgiveness and only you can find the answer within. Maybe you should try meditation, to learn to slowly let go the pain and anger inside and filling your mind with happiness and love. Maybe then you'll reach the point where you forgive him not based on what he does or says from now on. Just, forgiveness. It should also help you let go the past and just learn from the experience rather than focusing on the pain you were inflicted. Living a life filled with hate is no good for anyone. It can lead you to become a serial killer, an angry old woman or simply it could end in suicide or a permanent state of unhappiness. We are here already, whether we like it or not, why do we choose to be unhappy, if life's only one?
Graceful Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Seek counselling; you need someone to help facilitate your healing and face the reality of your situation. Look at your subject header. You used the word "we" four times. It's about YOU, not us. Why didn't you say, "Why can't I just accept that I didn't mean what I thought I did?" Don't you feel differently when you read that straight out for yourself? This shows you're in denial, not accepting what you should have accepted months ago, and that you think that it's normal if other people feel the same way. Well, it's not. You're obsessing. i've been addicted to reading the "missed connections" section of CL since over a year ago when the first time my ex dumped me he told me he wrote me one there. the thing is, i've spotted a few that i feel very strongly he wrote. you know what, i'm not even going to say "i feel very strongly" - i KNOW he wrote them. i know this isn't healthy. because now i'm feeling sad. whereas once i read them sort of out of habit but now i think i'm desperate for some other...bread crumb. i was wondering if maybe i do this in some incredibly stupid and vain hope of getting some kind of apology? some acknowledgement that he did me dirty? see...i read this one about a week and a half ago that i felt very strongly he wrote. and it was everything i wanted to hear. that he was sorry. and he was wrong. and he wanted us to work. that he knew i read these ads and he was reaching out there because he had trouble admitting he was wrong. it was the apology i've wanted for months. i don't want to get back together but i so desperately seem to want that acknowledgement that i meant something. and there it was....in a ****ing craigslist ad. the next day i was so mad at myself for CONVINCING myself he wrote something to me without any real way of knowing because there was no way i was going to respond to it. why am i so desperate to feel like i meant something? why can't i just accept that i didn't? as stupid as it may be - the apology was right there - and it was deleted. and it was replaced with a Nothing Message that he knew i couldn't mistake for anyone but him because he put his ****ing name on it. You already know that reading anonymous posts on CL thinking that your ex could have posted there is obsessive, right? And needing an apology from someone who hurt you is just going down a rathole to keep yourself attached to that person, when letting go and accepting the person for who he is will make you stand on your own, right? Apologies don't mean squat. You need to let go of this, forgiveness is not necessary, what you need to do is accept that your r/l is over, and deal with healing. If forgiveness comes over time, that is fine, but it should not be your goal. People are not filled with hatred if they don't forgive. You can easily say that while you never really forgave someone, you have let go of the ill feelings, wish that person no ill, you're more concerned with letting go and moving on. And BTW, if you were with someone who would be a big enough jerk and so inadequate at communicating that he would send out anonymous posts on CL instead of contacting you directly by talking to you, then geezus, who would want to be with someone that resorts to that sort of idiocy? That's crazy shizz in my book, sorry. You do not seem to have been able face this on your own, so now it's time to get some help and let someone guide you through this difficulty. Seriously, get into counselling and deal with this -- the sooner the better. Take care.
Author nevadagirl Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 When I wrote the title I thought I was merely addressing all of us on the "coping" forum, but what you said makes sense. I think it's spot on. I don't know why I still want him to just...be kind. He broke up with me for the fourth time in a year and this was the last time. He emailed me weekly stupid little messages for months just so I would hang on...and I hung on. I didn't respond but I let him do it only to be really burned by it later. I shouldn't read the stupid MC section and in my super tiny defense I only came across one thing I ever thought he wrote - the one that was deleted and replaced with a message that had his name all over it. I don't think I was so crazy as to believe every other message on there was for me but I do think at least that one was. But all it was was another form of rejection - like you said, what good is a stupid message on MISSED CONNECTIONS? What does that mean in the grande scheme of things? It means nothing. Just that he knew he could taunt me from there, too. It's pretty embarrassing.
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