unique1028 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) Hi I am new to this forum but I need a little advice. My husband and I have been dealing with some issues. I discovered that he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker of his. In the beginning I knew that she liked him cause I found text messages with her flirting and he once went out "after work" to a bar with her and a couple of other people I do not know. However he told me a lie at first saying he was hanging out with his guy friends but he was actually with her and the others. Anyway I warned him of his actions and stuff but they still texted late at night and early in the morning as well as. I confronted him each time until I got fed up. The last straw was when I found a receipt where he went out to eat with this girl and her child while I was at work. We have a 16 month month old beautiful daughter and he had her there with him as well. I was furious. Up to that point he made comments that I shouldn't contact her cause it could affect his job because he is an assistant manager at a hospital. But after that I did. Of course she didn't admit to anything she hung up like a coward. Anyway fast forward he almost lost his job but he didn't. He came to me and apologize and said he didn't mean to hurt me and he doesn't want a divorce. He wants to fall back in love with me. We started working on us and to this point I do feel that he is trying but I can't help but wonder how patient do I need to be? He has started to be more affectionate and wears his ring now. He is trying to do things with me more and compliments me alot. He says that he is starting to get back to himself again. However she is not completely gone. I know they are still texting sometimes and talk. It's not excessive but it still bothers me. Especially because he did leave the house alot to meet up with her and he did kiss her but he says they have never had sex. Because of these things I just know that I will never be ok with them being friends or still being in contact. He has made alot of effort but what can or should I do about how I feel about that? I mean I have been dealing with enough and I feel that I have been patient too. I just don't know how I can really give him my all with her still lingering in the background. I tell him how I feels and he says I understand. I just don't think he does cause he still does it. Edited March 5, 2012 by unique1028
anne1707 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 How patient do you need to be? Less patient! There is absolutely no way that he should still be in contact with this woman. By continuing to do so, the affair is still going on. It is just plain wrong if you are to reconcile. Tell him he has a choice - he cannot have both of you - and if he is not prepared to choose then you choose for him (i.e. kick him out). 7
Author unique1028 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Thanks for your advice! I feel torn all the time. I think he just want us to focus on us by how so if you are still in contact with her? It doesn't make sense.
Steen719 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 How patient do you need to be? Less patient! There is absolutely no way that he should still be in contact with this woman. By continuing to do so, the affair is still going on. It is just plain wrong if you are to reconcile. Tell him he has a choice - he cannot have both of you - and if he is not prepared to choose then you choose for him (i.e. kick him out). ^^^^^^^^^^ Ditto 1
frozensprouts Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 ugh... my husband did something similar... he was in long lasting (a few hours a night)contact every night with a female co worker whom he claimed was "just a friend" ...i finally got fed up with it and asked him to stop. He said the same things to me your husband did, and cut the contact off ( or so i thought)... a week later he got a message that she needed to talk to him urgently. He left to talk to her..., and the next day, moved in with her (that lasted about 6 weeks, until I told him that if he loved her, they should be together and I wanted a divorce. The affair ended pretty much right after that) not saying your husband is doing what mine did, but he needs to respect your wishes and cut off all contact. If he is not willing to do so, then he needs to go and figure out what he really wants. i know it's easy for me to say that , but it's very hard and painful for you to do it, but your feelings deserve his respect. If his needs ( or hers) to maintain conatct are more important, what does that tell you?
Spark1111 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Hmmm.....you start texting and speaking nightly to a male co-worker, or a bf from the past. You lie to him and meet with the man. You exchange a kiss, or so you claim. You apologize, work on the marriage but still talk to this co-worker, oh! after almost losing your job. I'd say you are crazy not to insist on complete NC with this woman; anything outside of strictly work-related conversations is taboo! As long as he is "kind and nice" to her in ways other than strictly professionally, it not only disrepects you and the marriage, but it leaves the door open for future opportunities for them to reignite the inappropriate relationship. Get good and angry. Write the NC letter together. Send it together. You cannot have "friends" that are not a friend to the marriage. Too much temptation there to bail on the hard (restoring trust in your relationship) to forge the easy (a new flirtatious, nothing truly at stake, infatuation.) Good luck to you!
Trimmer Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 If he's still contacting her, trying to foster the "friendship", then he's not getting how serious this is. I agree with the comments above, and specifically this: You cannot have "friends" that are not a friend to the marriage. Too much temptation there to bail on the hard (restoring trust in your relationship) to forge the easy (a new flirtatious, nothing truly at stake, infatuation.) ...and I'll say that by her behavior (and his!) she has earned a lifetime disqualification as a friend of the marriage. So don't accept anything less than complete NC. You deserve that, and if he really wants to heal your marriage, he will make that choice. He may need the terrifying realization that he could lose his family over this to cut through his denial, and realize what is at stake here, and that he needs to take this completely seriously... Are you willing to defend that boundary? Are you willing to take the hard stance with him?
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Thanks for your advice! I feel torn all the time. I think he just want us to focus on us by how so if you are still in contact with her? It doesn't make sense. Only way things will really change is, he suffers consquences. Obviously him getting into trouble at work didn't change his behaviour as they are still talking and texting. You forgave him and he's lied a bunch of times to you. I hate to say it, but he is NOT being truthful (still) and this OW is quietly waiting in the wings for the fire to cool down before they get close again. Whether or not they actually had 'sex', you know there was kissing and probably some fooling around , touching too. He needs to stop ALL contact and if he can't or won't do that then ask him to move out until he figures out what/who it is he wants. Be strong, be tough. This doesn't mean you two will divorce or separate, this just shows him that he can't have his cake and eat it too.. Continue to get an ego feed from her, sneak around and then come home and pretend all is fine between you two. He's done nothing much to regain your faith and trust him.. No wonder you aren't wanting to be intimate with him. Also, as long as she is 'around', he is going to be attached to her. Doesn't mean it's love, or he's in love with her, it just means he's addicted to how she makes him feel - Crushy like feelings and to some, that is very powerful and addictive. That is hard to compete against, that and the fantasy he's built up about it all too. He does love you, more than he realizes..He just is thinking with the wrong (selfish) head and this is why things wont' change until he realizes what life will like WITHOUT you in it. Your marriage doesn't have a chance to recover, or be fixed as long as they are still in touch. Do you know if she is married or has a boyfriend? Dig around and see what you can find out about her..
Author unique1028 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Hi Everyone! I really am grateful for your all and the advice I am getting. I do feel that I am getting the answers I needed to hear. I do believe that he is being selfish in a sense by not truly taking in account to how I am feeling. He always never want to talk about it like the situation will just go away but it won't and will never be easy for me to just willingly want to give him everything I should and he is not cutting all contact with her. As for the coworker, yes she is in a committed relationship. They both were confiding in each other. However she is not married probably semi-engaged or whatever. So I often wonder how could he get advice or seek it from someone who knows nothing about marriage? On top of that she is one of the girls who are super sensitive and clings. She claims that her man is abusive and cheats on her and stuff. That is what my husband told me. So in a sense he was acting like a little hero to her but it fostered into something it shouldnt have.
HHC Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 He either has a loyalty to you or to her. You can have many friends, but only one wife (at a time)
MothernWife Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I too have a husband who is close friends with a female coworker, and granted it hasn't escalated to the level that you've said (not that I know of at least) there are a lot of secrets and lack of information. For me, easier said than done, If I found out my husband had any form of intimate relationship with this women that would be it for me. I already have insecurity issues regarding this woman, so if I were to find out something more happened that would be the last straw. (My husband also isn't an overly affection person so if I found he was showing the affection to another that I feel is lacking for me I would be furious) I personally feel that if your husband is trying to move forward and fix things with you, than he should cut her off completely. There is no need for them to be in contact outside of work, especially since it had gotten to a point where the line was crossed through a kiss. Granted, they may have to communicate at work, but it should be kept professional through work email and phones. Once the line has been crossed at no point would I think it's acceptable for them to still be in contact outside of work. Good Luck!!!
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 One of them needs to transfer somewhere else. People do that all the time.
nofool4u Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Husband & co-worker/ how can you move on in marriage? You can't as long as there is a better than not chance of your H being in ANY kind of contact with the OW, even if its just passing her in the halls at work. So your husband either gets transferred somewhere that he won't be around her, or he starts looking for another job. And anyone that thinks a BS should just sit there and take their WS being around their OW/OM at work after not dumping them on their arse, well, you know what that opinion is worth. nada.
SunshineToday Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Unique~ You can't not accept nothing short of No Contact. NO TEXTS. NO EMAILS. He needs to look into transfering jobs immediately. And I will take it one step further-you should contact her boyfriend. He may not be aware of his so called GF doing all this with your husband.
analystfromhell Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 What sunshinetoday says.... It was only by sending the guy's wife the text messages between him and my wife that the exhilaration of their affair was snuffed out. He got the message from his wife, she continues to pine but hasn't gotten to far. Like myself you haven't gotten the full story nor has he (yet) committed fully. Bringing everyone affected in to the picture may not stop his feelings or hers but it will bring additional pressure to bear and give your relationship a fighting chance. It's all hormones and excitement at the moment, reality needs to seep in.
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