Dealing With Husband's Affair

[StoneCold]

TBK,

I don't understand why serial cheaters don't just get a divorce!(since they want to act like a single person) Any thoughts on this since you know them personally?

 

Any number of reasons... (not necessarily inclusive)

 

- Its easier not to

- Fear

- Uncertainty

- Revenge

- Its not in their best interest....at that particular point in time; might be strategic

- Maybe their definition of marriage is different or has changed

........

 

Mind you any or all of this can change at any time; thus yeilding a different outcome.... Thats life such as it is

 

It just burns me up to think of all the wasted years that the BW/BH could have been with someone who truely loved them, and was faithful to them!

 

How are you so sure they would move on to someone "better"? Conjecture is not worth getting burned up over.

Edited March 20, 2012 by StoneCold

[SandieBeach]

I think that married men and women are both capable of finding surrogates frankly but typically with differing motives.

 

Married women often are looking for an emotional connection that is nonexistent at home and will use sex to gain it.

 

Married men are often looking for a sexual connection that is nonexistent at home and will use the emotional connection to get it.

 

Both of those ideals are based on the normal (non-serial cheater) who wants to be in the marriage but finds a huge component of the marriage missing, as I view your husband.

 

I can definitely see that. My problem over the last several years, as I contemplated having an affair, is that I lacked emotional connection with him and therefore was not having sex. My husband, on the other hand, was needing physical intimacy before being able to give me that emotional connection. It's like a giant loop!

[SandieBeach]

Okay . . . I'm blushing now Sandie

 

Well, it's true! Finding this board has been a huge blessing for me. I was rereading my thread the other day, and reading some of the responses by several posters - I felt like I knew you guys!

[Steen719]

How are you so sure they would move on to someone "better"? Conjecture is not worth getting burned up over.

 

How about just not living with a cheater? You don't have to move on to another person (better or not), just not have to live with someone whose integrity allows them to lie and cheat. Also, circumstances change. A person might have been in a better financial situation, healthier, younger...you choose, if they had left sooner. I don't think that is conjecture.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Steen719
oops...hit wrong key

[beenburned]

TBK,

Yes, we are still together and doing fine. Kids are now grown and we have grandkids.

 

But like I told Sandie, it was a long hard road to achieve reconciliation.

The WS has to earn the trust and respect back by consistently showing they are trustworthy.

 

Steen,

You brought up a good point!

 

Depending on when the d-day occurs: the BW/BH might or might not be at an advantageous point in their life for a divorce.

 

Example: I was a SAHM with 2 young children when our d-day occurred. Even if I had wanted an immediate divorce, I was smart enough to realize I couldn't support me and the kids.

 

I went out got a job, signed up for college at night, all with the future goal of divorcing my H.

 

By the time I finished college, he was still showing total change and remorse. So I stayed, waiting for the day for him to screw up again. He never did make me sorry I gave him a second chance.

 

But if I had been financially able to leave immediately on d-day, I would have been a lot younger when out in the dating world!

[The Blue Knight]

I can definitely see that. My problem over the last several years, as I contemplated having an affair, is that I lacked emotional connection with him and therefore was not having sex. My husband, on the other hand, was needing physical intimacy before being able to give me that emotional connection. It's like a giant loop!

 

Yep, which is why we often grow apart. Knowing that, any man should strive to meet his wife's emotional needs if he cares about the marriage, her, and having his physical needs met.

 

I can't quite figure out these husband's that women post about who ignore their wives except for those moments when they want sex. I'm thinking "really? . . . you're that stupid and detached??"

 

Showing your wife affection by kissing her goodbye in the morning and when you first get home at night. Listening to her talk about her day. Cuddling when she needs it, and of course the all-important post-coitus cuddle time! It's not brain surgery, but these guys are like cavemen with no apparent ability to figure these simple little things out. Then they wonder why their wives are looking for that emotional connection elsewhere?

[The Blue Knight]

Well, it's true! Finding this board has been a huge blessing for me. I was rereading my thread the other day, and reading some of the responses by several posters - I felt like I knew you guys!

 

I kind of feel that way as well. Some of the ladies (frozen, xxoo, nemo, and others) were great about working me through my issues with my wife last summer. Some of the guys had good suggestions as well. I needed a woman's perspective on why my wife was so shy about initiating intimacy. They helped a lot. I kind of wish I knew them personally.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK,

Yes, we are still together and doing fine. Kids are now grown and we have grandkids.

 

But like I told Sandie, it was a long hard road to achieve reconciliation.

The WS has to earn the trust and respect back by consistently showing they are trustworthy.

 

Steen,

You brought up a good point!

 

Depending on when the d-day occurs: the BW/BH might or might not be at an advantageous point in their life for a divorce.

 

Example: I was a SAHM with 2 young children when our d-day occurred. Even if I had wanted an immediate divorce, I was smart enough to realize I couldn't support me and the kids.

 

I went out got a job, signed up for college at night, all with the future goal of divorcing my H.

 

By the time I finished college, he was still showing total change and remorse. So I stayed, waiting for the day for him to screw up again. He never did make me sorry I gave him a second chance.

 

But if I had been financially able to leave immediately on d-day, I would have been a lot younger when out in the dating world!

 

How long has it been since D-Day?

[StoneCold]

How about just not living with a cheater? You don't have to move on to another person (better or not), just not have to live with someone whose integrity allows them to lie and cheat. .

 

But that isnt what she said "burned her up" in the quoted post

 

A person might have been in a better financial situation, healthier, younger...you choose, if they had left sooner. I don't think that is conjecture.

 

Sure it is (aside from the younger part as age is the only thing on your list that is linear)... you used the word "might" didnt you?

Edited March 21, 2012 by StoneCold

[findingnemo]

I kind of feel that way as well. Some of the ladies (frozen, xxoo, nemo, and others) were great about working me through my issues with my wife last summer. Some of the guys had good suggestions as well. I needed a woman's perspective on why my wife was so shy about initiating intimacy. They helped a lot. I kind of wish I knew them personally.

 

Ohhhh....you're so sweet, TBK.

[findingnemo]

TBK,

Yes, we are still together and doing fine. Kids are now grown and we have grandkids.

 

But like I told Sandie, it was a long hard road to achieve reconciliation.

The WS has to earn the trust and respect back by consistently showing they are trustworthy.

 

Steen,

You brought up a good point!

 

Depending on when the d-day occurs: the BW/BH might or might not be at an advantageous point in their life for a divorce.

 

Example: I was a SAHM with 2 young children when our d-day occurred. Even if I had wanted an immediate divorce, I was smart enough to realize I couldn't support me and the kids.

 

I went out got a job, signed up for college at night, all with the future goal of divorcing my H.

 

By the time I finished college, he was still showing total change and remorse. So I stayed, waiting for the day for him to screw up again. He never did make me sorry I gave him a second chance.

 

But if I had been financially able to leave immediately on d-day, I would have been a lot younger when out in the dating world!

 

Been burned,

 

I know someone who went through a similar situation. She was a SAHM from the start of her M. Years later her H had an A. She was really upset but instead of leaving him decided to spend time preparing to live alone. She went back to school (law), started her own practice and is now very successful. The funny thing is that as she was doing all this, her H was very supportive and remorseful.

 

A funny thing happened. As she got herself to a point of being self-sufficient, her self esteem grew. I watched her change as the years passed by. She lost all her pregnancy fat, changed her style...basically underwent an extreme makeover type thing. Now she keeps telling us (her friends) that her H's A was a blessing in disguise. Not only did it make her change but it changed him too. She fell in love with him all over again. And she likes the newer version of him much better.

 

Sandy...reading BB's story, I just wanted to tell you about a different outcome that I know of personally.

[beenburned]

nemo,

Thank you for that story!

 

I married the year after high school, had 2 babies during the next 3 years, and we built our first home when the youngest child was 1.

 

We had agreed that I would be a SAHM until the kids started school.

 

My d-day occurred right as the kids were starting school full time. So I immediately got a full time job, and went to college at night, with the goal of being able to support myself and the kids after I divorced him.

 

Never had to go through with the divorce, as he changed completely!

 

I worked for about 25 years before the company got bought out. I chose to take early retirement at that time.(rolled everything over to an IRA at the bank)

 

My grown children work full time, so the grandkids get off the school bus at my house. I am truely enjoying my retirement!

 

As for why I still post and read at a lot of forums, I got hooked because I enjoy the people.

[findingnemo]

That's nice, BB. The fact is that people make mistakes and an A can be serious lapse of judgement. However it is possible to reconcile although I sometimes think it's taking the hard road.

 

I'm glad things worked out very well for you!

[Kitsune77]

It works both ways. if you are a person who feels, is alive, passionate and wants to live, you can only be rejected so many times, until you look elsewhere. This seems to be a common theme that is igored here in LS. AND the old time BS sposuehere always says its not my fault, very conveniant.

 

The BS says always uses as the prefix " I wasnt a perfect spouse, but I have NO RESPONSABILTY in my marriage problems???"?/ well, if you continually reject the person you are suposed to love, and that person is not a robot, they will look elsewhere.

 

And to answer what will come, divorce is not that easy. As the BS/ WS / OW/OM/ know here now already.

 

Sorry, I do excuse the behaviour, after years of trying, doing everything possible, with a sposuse that simply doesnt care?

 

Actually, the BS spouse that comes here usually is very honest with the realization of their part, then the LS Harpies get hold, and twist the hurting vulnerable person , make them CONFORM!!! becuase that is what LS is about, let be honest here.

 

So the poor new BS, who is looking for honest help. is immediatley divided into us and them, sublimaly told the OW whats to "get you" . The usual tied old bull****.

 

How much more helpful would it be that the real OW could have a voice?

 

That could maybe help the BS with out the boring old 20 year gang spouting their ****?

 

But this forum is not for OW/OM, it is for BS/ Bitter ex OW, acyually its only for biiter people. Anything beautiful and lovely here, has always been shut down.

 

The boring old croud, who do NOT have a life is what makes money for the LS people. What a twisted sick joke.

 

yes, give me an affair any day.

 

And BTW, I was also the spouse who cut off sex, and used the same excuses that are trotted out verbatim here. Older , wiser now.

So this is not a blast agains the BS, its a blast agains my own ignorance and foolishness of the past. Married Laddies, i was once where you where, with your own jusifibkle anger, guess what? It gives you nothing.

 

Forget LS, and its hidden agenda. LS is toxic. It does NOT whant you to love, understand, heal. It wants to keep your pain alive, as it gets more money per click. If you want to be a better person, dont come here.

 

I expect this post, as most of my others will be banned. I truly hope it has helped one person, aprt from the 20 year old pathetic LS sheep who post here (you know who you are)

 

By your own admission Sandie you had no intimacy or sex with him. I'm not excusing his behavior, but are married women really so naive as to believe that once a relationship goes practically celibate, the male half isn't going to seek it elsewhere?

 

For that matter, many married women end up doing the same thing when their marriages become sexless. It's natural behavior even if it's not ethical.

 

Don't get caught up in the minutia of "if I didn't find out he'd still be with her" because at this point who cares? He's come back to you 100% from what it sounds like. He gave you all the keys to his cards, his communications, and he called her right in front of you and ended it. It doesn't get any cleaner than that.

 

If you have reason down the road to believe he never ended it, that would be one thing, but at this point from what you described, the other woman was something to make up for what he didn't have at home, and in my opinion he prefers to be right where he's at, with YOU.

 

Don't mess it up by nagging and bringing it up to him repeatedly. You've covered all the baggage and you've gotten his full blown honesty. If you're taking him back and moving forward, then do so without further complicating this. You have a chance at getting it right this time so don't toss that away because of some unvalidated "principle"

 

My ex cheated on me, but she never really was straight with me afterward. Your husband is being straight with you. My ex would be into our marriage for several months or a couple of years before the behavior repeated itself. The way you're describing your husband, he's a guy who wants you back 100% and you have a chance to renew a marriage that had gone completely stale and cold. Don't get bogged down in "how could he do that to me?" thinking. It will mess things up.

 

To be honest, sexless marriages will lead to affairs. It happens often. Not because someone is always looking to cheat, but because they long for sex and intimacy which are missing in their marriages and then an opportunity comes along and they cave into that desire to have what they miss. That's what's going on here.

[beenburned]

Kitsune,

You know you can't generalize all marriages like that.

 

Someone can decide to cheat for many reasons that have nothing to do with the spouse or the marriage.

 

My h and I have always had a plenty of sex. I have never rejected my H's sexual advances.

 

But yet he cheated.

 

His reasons were : opportunities presented themselves often, he liked doing something that was forbidden/wrong, he liked the constant ego stroking to feel good about himself, he liked the variety of different women sexually, etc.

 

It wouldn't have mattered who he was married to, he still would have cheated because the whole problem was within himself.(issues)

 

He, at that point in time, was not good marriage material for anyone.

 

Everyone here has a totally different story and are entitled to their points of view.

[Spark1111]

Yep, which is why we often grow apart. Knowing that, any man should strive to meet his wife's emotional needs if he cares about the marriage, her, and having his physical needs met.

 

I can't quite figure out these husband's that women post about who ignore their wives except for those moments when they want sex. I'm thinking "really? . . . you're that stupid and detached??"

 

Showing your wife affection by kissing her goodbye in the morning and when you first get home at night. Listening to her talk about her day. Cuddling when she needs it, and of course the all-important post-coitus cuddle time! It's not brain surgery, but these guys are like cavemen with no apparent ability to figure these simple little things out. Then they wonder why their wives are looking for that emotional connection elsewhere?

 

You are a wise, wise man.

 

Women are NOT men biologically, and we need the emotional connection to desire sex, and the sex we desire is intimate, emotion-filled, passionate, sensual, and lasting longer than the average 7 minutes to round the bases.

 

If a man doesn't understand this, that we need to be courted the entire relationship, he may be doomed to being rejected often.

 

And if he does, he gets most of the sex he wants.

 

Women need to understand a man's biology; that sex is how he shows his feelings, and just do it, initiate it, fast and furious the way he would like.

 

Few things turn a man on more than be sexually desired by a woman he loves.

 

Women can't forget that.

[frozensprouts]

Kitsune,

while you are certainly entitled to your opinion, I think you are doing a real disservice by implying that affairs are all about sex.

 

They are not.

 

While a few may be,do you really think that it is the reason everyone cheats? Surprisingly enough, in a lot of cases, sex between the spouses( or lack of it) has nothing to do with why a spouse strays.

 

Speaking from my own experience, we were having lots of sex, but my husband had issues that had nothing to do with me, and rather than talk to me about them, he bottled it all up inside. ( and I am saying what a psychologist, social worker and trained counselor all said) This made him resent me because , on some level, he felt like I should have known he was upset and why, and he resented me because I didn't.

 

I'm not blaming him for that, as he had never been through times as stressful as those, and had no experience in how to react. In some ways, he started putting me into the role of "mommy" ( his mom is very controlling and manipulative), even though I wasn't like that at all. We were told it's really common for both men and women to fall back into old coping mechanisms during times of stress,even if they are very unhealthy, which is what he did. His was to , on the surface, have things appear normal, while underneath, he was very angry at the world, and took it our on me. But given what he was going through at the time, I can understand why he reacted the way he did. This isn't to say I like it or agree with it or think him cheating was okay, but rather that I understand it. He's since learned better ways to cope with stress, and he talks to me when somethings wrong. I make sure he feels safe to do so, and that I won't get angry when he does. It doesn't mean I always have to agree with him, but that i'll listen to him and if I don't agree,we can talk about it.

 

again, I think the idea that most affairs are due to lack of sex is a fallacy. they are due to much deeper issues than that.

[SandieBeach]

Yep, which is why we often grow apart. Knowing that, any man should strive to meet his wife's emotional needs if he cares about the marriage, her, and having his physical needs met.

 

I can't quite figure out these husband's that women post about who ignore their wives except for those moments when they want sex. I'm thinking "really? . . . you're that stupid and detached??"

 

Showing your wife affection by kissing her goodbye in the morning and when you first get home at night. Listening to her talk about her day. Cuddling when she needs it, and of course the all-important post-coitus cuddle time! It's not brain surgery, but these guys are like cavemen with no apparent ability to figure these simple little things out. Then they wonder why their wives are looking for that emotional connection elsewhere?

 

I hear you, TBK. But sometimes (as in our case), enough emotional needs were met that it masked more important problems. It actually helps us push those problems in the back of our minds, and even though we knew we had problems, we didn't stop long enough to think what those problems were and how we could fix them.

 

My husband and I did not always act detached (most of the time we didn't). We had some periods, but we always acted lovingly (minus the sexual intimacy). I realize how ridiculous this sounds: how can you be close without being close, but we were in denial. My husband would always kiss me before leaving work and after coming home. In fact, he would kiss me before he went to see the other woman, and seem happy to see me when he came home from her. It disgusts me to no end.

 

These days, our conversations are a lot more emotional, but our behavior towards each other is also more passionate. We both notice now what real closeness looks like, and we know we have the potential to experience it. The problem plaguing us now is my lack of trust in him.

[SandieBeach]

Been burned,

 

I know someone who went through a similar situation. She was a SAHM from the start of her M. Years later her H had an A. She was really upset but instead of leaving him decided to spend time preparing to live alone. She went back to school (law), started her own practice and is now very successful. The funny thing is that as she was doing all this, her H was very supportive and remorseful.

 

A funny thing happened. As she got herself to a point of being self-sufficient, her self esteem grew. I watched her change as the years passed by. She lost all her pregnancy fat, changed her style...basically underwent an extreme makeover type thing. Now she keeps telling us (her friends) that her H's A was a blessing in disguise. Not only did it make her change but it changed him too. She fell in love with him all over again. And she likes the newer version of him much better.

 

Sandy...reading BB's story, I just wanted to tell you about a different outcome that I know of personally.

 

Findingnemo: thank you for sharing this story with me. It makes me feel so much better hearing cases like this, regardless of what happens with me and my husband.

[SandieBeach]

Kitsune77, you rave against people who are close minded and give advice with their agenda, yet your assessment is not fair either. I am new on LS, and have gotten tremendous advice from people: some excellent, some not so much, so just plain counter-productive. I consider myself a realistic person, and try not to be driven by daily emotions, so I pick and choose which advice I will take.

 

A lot of what you said is not far from the truth. There are a lot of people who were hurt and never dealt with their problems. Hence, everything out of their mouths is bitter. There are private detective firms advertising here, feeding on our vulnerable state to retain their services and know for sure what kind of scumbag we were living with.

 

I DO NOT take responsibility for my husband's affair, just like I would not expect him to take responsibility for mine (if I had one). HOWEVER, I take equal responsibility for why our marriage stopped working. We were both equally guilty for not trying harder to communicate and be close. I almost had an affair before we were married (we lived together for a long time before getting married), and seriously considered it after we were married. That's why I am still here, trying to work things out. BECAUSE, I could have done what he did to me, and if I had done that, I would be kicking myself and regret it for the rest of my life.

 

People should be accountable for their actions: no one put a gun to my husband's head to have an affair. But, I firmly believe, at least in my situations, that if a marriage does not work, both people need to look at their actions, their complacency at status quo, and decide if it's worth fighting for their marriage.

[SandieBeach]

Kitsune,

while you are certainly entitled to your opinion, I think you are doing a real disservice by implying that affairs are all about sex.

 

They are not.

 

While a few may be,do you really think that it is the reason everyone cheats? Surprisingly enough, in a lot of cases, sex between the spouses( or lack of it) has nothing to do with why a spouse strays.

 

Speaking from my own experience, we were having lots of sex, but my husband had issues that had nothing to do with me, and rather than talk to me about them, he bottled it all up inside. ( and I am saying what a psychologist, social worker and trained counselor all said) This made him resent me because , on some level, he felt like I should have known he was upset and why, and he resented me because I didn't.

 

I'm not blaming him for that, as he had never been through times as stressful as those, and had no experience in how to react. In some ways, he started putting me into the role of "mommy" ( his mom is very controlling and manipulative), even though I wasn't like that at all. We were told it's really common for both men and women to fall back into old coping mechanisms during times of stress,even if they are very unhealthy, which is what he did. His was to , on the surface, have things appear normal, while underneath, he was very angry at the world, and took it our on me. But given what he was going through at the time, I can understand why he reacted the way he did. This isn't to say I like it or agree with it or think him cheating was okay, but rather that I understand it. He's since learned better ways to cope with stress, and he talks to me when somethings wrong. I make sure he feels safe to do so, and that I won't get angry when he does. It doesn't mean I always have to agree with him, but that i'll listen to him and if I don't agree,we can talk about it.

 

again, I think the idea that most affairs are due to lack of sex is a fallacy. they are due to much deeper issues than that.

 

I agree with that. In my case, my husband and I were definitely not having sexual intimacy, which we both needed. However, I think that for us lack of sexual intimacy was really just a symptom of a greater problem. My husband has privacy issues (the need to be private about lots of things), and I have abandonment issues. His privacy made me trust him less, and as a result, I was not feeling sexual around him. It's was a Catch-22: one thing kept feeding the other, and here we are. Of course, our issues did not come to light until the affair when we were forced to address them (or rather, start addressing them).

[findingnemo]

Oh please nobody report, Kitsune 77. I love it when people express an opinion and justify it even if I don't agree. If its deleted then any responses won't make sense.

 

Kitsune77, I wonder...don't you find it strange that you think most BS' and ex OWs are bitter? For argument's sake, let's assume you're right and they are. How does their bitterness change the fact that the spouses were betrayed? Suppose I stopped having sex with my husband for whatever reason...let's say we have twins and I'm exhausted all the time. When I ask my H why he had an A and he says he needed to have sex and I wasn't obliging him, should being partly responsible make me feel better about his choices? Should he feel better that he had a "good" reason to sleep with someone else?

 

What about the OW? If she comes to LS in tears and agony and realizes that hers is not a unique story and as a result is bitter and advises others not to go down that road... Does her bitterness negate the point she's making? Does being bitter necessarily make one illogical?

 

So many times people accuse others of being bitter. (I'm sure someone could easily call you bitter, by the way). I find it a bit amusing because I think bitterness has gotten a really bad rap. I don't know of any evidence that suggests that bitter people are incapable of figuring out what is what. All they are is...well, bitter. And this shows by their use of words and perhaps an over-reaction to certain situations. It however never changes the fact that within their message, however presented, is a truth. Cheating results in innocent people's hearts getting broken. It results in those that decided to cheat losing a lot more than they bargained for. It hurts.

 

In your post, there's a lot of truth. It is hidden in the accusatory tone and (what I feel is) the deflection of anger onto the BS', Ex OWs and LS. That truth is simple and has been said and repeated time and again. There are a lot of hurt people who don't/can't face the fact that they bear some responsibility for their Ms taking a bad turn. This is true especially when cheating has just been discovered and they are left reeling with shock and anger. So they come up with excuses.

 

What I think also happens is that they examine themselves, figure out when things started going wrong, admit their responsibility in messing up the M and decide that regardless of their part in it their WS solely chose to have an A. On LS they find people who've been down this road, people who can help decode what is usually convoluted reasoning on the cheaters part and finally people who just tell them that as broken as they may be today, there's a brighter day coming. I hope you too will come to believe that things will get better for you.

[Kidd]

It works both ways. if you are a person who feels, is alive, passionate and wants to live, you can only be rejected so many times, until you look elsewhere. This seems to be a common theme that is igored here in LS. AND the old time BS sposuehere always says its not my fault, very conveniant.

 

The BS says always uses as the prefix " I wasnt a perfect spouse, but I have NO RESPONSABILTY in my marriage problems???"?/ well, if you continually reject the person you are suposed to love, and that person is not a robot, they will look elsewhere.

 

And to answer what will come, divorce is not that easy. As the BS/ WS / OW/OM/ know here now already.

 

Sorry, I do excuse the behaviour, after years of trying, doing everything possible, with a sposuse that simply doesnt care?

 

Actually, the BS spouse that comes here usually is very honest with the realization of their part, then the LS Harpies get hold, and twist the hurting vulnerable person , make them CONFORM!!! becuase that is what LS is about, let be honest here.

 

So the poor new BS, who is looking for honest help. is immediatley divided into us and them, sublimaly told the OW whats to "get you" . The usual tied old bull****.

 

How much more helpful would it be that the real OW could have a voice?

 

That could maybe help the BS with out the boring old 20 year gang spouting their ****?

 

But this forum is not for OW/OM, it is for BS/ Bitter ex OW, acyually its only for biiter people. Anything beautiful and lovely here, has always been shut down.

 

The boring old croud, who do NOT have a life is what makes money for the LS people. What a twisted sick joke.

 

yes, give me an affair any day.

 

And BTW, I was also the spouse who cut off sex, and used the same excuses that are trotted out verbatim here. Older , wiser now.

So this is not a blast agains the BS, its a blast agains my own ignorance and foolishness of the past. Married Laddies, i was once where you where, with your own jusifibkle anger, guess what? It gives you nothing.

 

Forget LS, and its hidden agenda. LS is toxic. It does NOT whant you to love, understand, heal. It wants to keep your pain alive, as it gets more money per click. If you want to be a better person, dont come here.

 

I expect this post, as most of my others will be banned. I truly hope it has helped one person, aprt from the 20 year old pathetic LS sheep who post here (you know who you are)

 

Who is bitter here?

 

As for LS, if I am not mistaken there is one moderator and he's a volunteer. And I've never seen him "moderate" anything other than what was pretty blatantly inappropriate and does so simply be removing the post. I know I haven't paid a cent for this service. I doubt anyone is getting rich here.

 

As for sexless marriages, I was in one (once a month and begrudgingly when it happened). I stayed faithful. As usual, my W had unspoken issues that built resentment and instead of having the courage to discuss it, she made the great choice to have her M and an affair. Now, again, instead of fixing it she is divorcing. I see this pattern repeating in her future relationships because she hasn't fixed what was broken. Instead of washing the dishes, she's throwing them away and buying new ones. Truth is that I feel really sorry for her. They were nice dishes.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Kitsune,

You know you can't generalize all marriages like that.

 

Someone can decide to cheat for many reasons that have nothing to do with the spouse or the marriage.

 

My h and I have always had a plenty of sex. I have never rejected my H's sexual advances.

 

But yet he cheated.

 

His reasons were : opportunities presented themselves often, he liked doing something that was forbidden/wrong, he liked the constant ego stroking to feel good about himself, he liked the variety of different women sexually, etc.

 

Everyone here has a totally different story and are entitled to their points of view.

 

Ditto.

 

My wife and I enjoyed a great sex life leading up to her affair. In addition I was not abusive, negligent, distant, uncaring, or any of those stereotypical things that ignorant persons believe to be the only reasons for affairs.

 

My wife cheated because she wanted to cheat. I even asked her point blank: "Did you cheat because I pushed you away or because you were pulled towards [the OM]?". She was pulled into the affair. She entered into a dangerous relationship by ignoring proper boundaries and disregarding glaring red flags. Her affair was about HER, not me.

 

Sure, there were factors that lead her to justify it to herself. Once she was beyond the point of no return, that is when she started doubting our marriage and nick-picking at my faults. This is the defense mechanism kicking in to justify her self-serving actions.

 

To Kitsune77, as a BS, the affair was not my fault. I will never accept responsibility for my wife's selfish actions. I don't find that convenient; however, what I do find convenient is the WS blaming the BS for the affair.

 

If my wife had problems with me and/or our marriage then she had options. She could have TALKED to me; she could have asked us to go to MC; she could have talked to a minister, family member, or friend; she could've even asked for a divorce. She opted out of all of those and chose the affair.

 

Affairs have similar trends, themes, and commonalities, but no two stories are the same. No two marriages are the same. Generalizations only reduce your credibility on this forum. I speak from my experiences, and mine alone.

[StoneCold]

To those of you who assumed that Kitsune implied that infidelity is about sex.... I dont see where you get this.

 

Yes, she uses sex as an example but her point was really about rejection. Now when we hear the word "rejection" under this context the popular assumption is sex. But fact is there are any number of ways to be rejected...sex is just one