Dealing With Husband's Affair

[SandieBeach]

I don't want to sound real preachy here. For me, my Christian faith was instrumental in my being able to move forward. Not that it was easy, but it was very helpful because I was able to forgive eventually and move on without any regrets. The thing is I got remarried 15 years ago as did my ex-wife and I could still be holding onto "what she did to me" but instead I get along just fine with her. My wife and I see them now and then, often because we have kids together who are older now or there are social events that we end up at together. Doesn't phase me a bit.

 

You're very self-aware and that's good. As you pointed out above, you'd just regret it if you behaved the same way. Vengeance, despite what people like to believe isn't all that satisfying in the end. You become the very person that you resent for their behavior.

 

I know a lot of divorced people who are still seething over being wronged 10 and 20 years after the fact, which for me is hard to comprehend. Life is too short. And holding onto it just placed a burden on my heart. So I moved on and I've always been happy that I did.

 

I think I have a similar outlook as you, TBK. Being the bigger person now, however it hurts, would (I think) make me look back if this doesn't work out and know my actions were not regrettable. I am not a very religious person, but I have been praying for strength and an open heart. Not so much praying for things to work out between us, but to be able to forgive him. Moving on (if that should happen) without forgiving him first would ruin my future chances at being happy.

[SandieBeach]

I will offer this and you can make of it what you like. I've thrown out my 31 Flavors of Ice Cream Theory before but it bears repeating since it's tied to this subject. I believe that the more flavors of ice cream a guy gets prior to marriage, the harder it is for him to settle for one flavor after marriage. In other words, my advice is find a guy or a gal who has not been with so many other people sexually that it's going to be hard for them to settle on one person later on.

 

A lot of people in this sexually crazed age will suggest that the more partners you have, the more experience you have, and therefore you're more likely to know what you want when you settle. Or if you will, they'll suggest that sowing your wild oats prior to wedlock "gets it out of your system" so that when you find "the one" you know you're ready to settle down.

 

Obviously, I'd suggest just the opposite. The best marriages in my opinion are two people exploring and sharing sexual experiences together and traveling those roads side-by-side. Just my opinion. I have no studies to support it. I just happen to believe that these are factors that weigh heavily into why these things happen.

 

This is an interesting perspective, TBK. I don't know if I agree or disagree. My husband has had more sex partners than I, but I never felt that he needed a variety (apparently, he needed consistency ). I, on the other hand, wondered at times during our relationship if I was missing out on some amazing experiences. Thank goodness I did not act on that.

 

I did date a man before my husband who slept with many women, and I can see how your theory could apply to him. I think he was incapable of being monogamous, and I could have never had a serious relationship with him because of that.

[SandieBeach]

Okay, maybe you've shared some of this and I missed it. Was he guilty of trying out the 31 flavors by the time you met him? How about yourself?

 

I find that a lot of women are impressed by a man who has been with a lot of women. I think the assumption is, he must be a real catch and a tiger in the sack if he's been with all those women. Do you agree with that? Or is it just an attempt to tame the "bad boy" which is another flaw in many women's personalities.

 

I think on some level my husband's number of partners did bother me, but rarely did I think about it as either a negative or positive (what I cared about was that he was clean!) Unfortunately, at this point I hope he doesn't fall in your categories otherwise I am royally screwed!

[findingnemo]

TBK, I'm loving your theory about the 31 flavours of ice cream. I'm one of those gals who believed that the more sexual partners a man had in the past, the better he was in bed. Now this may be true but I have also learned that the more partners he's had, the more need he may have for variety.

 

My xH was one of those. While he claimed fidelity was important, he always believed there were many fish in the sea. That's not a good attitude to have when M.

 

Sandie, I'm coming late to your thread but wanted to say that I admire how calmly you are handling this. While you want to give your H a chance, you're still weary. My opinion is that your H is trying very hard. I don't think there's anything he's doing to make you suspect that he's still cheating. Checking up on him using recorders and key loggers seems to me to be too much work. If he's lying to you, you'll figure it out soon enough.

 

For now, take it one day at a time. Enjoy every happy moment and don't let worry ruin it for you. It will work out one way or the other.

[The Blue Knight]

No, not a known bad boy (at least, not known by me). I knew he had more partners than I had, but I thought they were more long term and not so many. I did not have a lot of partners and since we met have not had anyone but him. I would not be with someone just because they had many women....really, the opposite would have been more likely. He has a thing for old girlfriends. He cheated 8 years in our marriage with an old girlfriend. I stayed (thought it was a mistake..blah, blah) and then after taking care of him through illness and liver transplant and financial ruin, he found another old girlfriend on facebook and they started planning an affair. I discovered it by phone records and then he gave me the ILYNILWY speech and it went downhill from there. Divorced in Oct. 2011 (after 22+ years), moved out of house January 28th (he was actively dating yet another either old gf or old friend), calling, texting, etc. in front of me). He would not leave the house, won't pay for it, is gone all of the time to the city where the new women is and my neighbors invited me for dinner tonight and are just sick he stayed and I left. My beautiful yard...growing up, bushes wild..UGH

 

Anyway, an interesting thing is after I moved out, I sent the facebook old gf a message on facebook, basically telling her that I didn't appreciate her participation in their EA (she insists it was not a PA...but who knows?). It started a conversation which told me many things; one of which was that when they dated (years before) and he took her to a party for his birthday (she had given him expensive cologne for bd and he wore some to the party), she found him in the kitchen with an old girlfriend talking bad about her!!!! He also lied a lot about me to her, met her in June & asked her to marry him while he was married to me and she had told him she was never leaving her husband and other crap. I do realize that she minimized her part in the mess, but basically, I believe her and not him. She has un-friended him on fb, saying she did not want him as a friend (he told me just a couple of weeks ago that he no longer had her on his fb...like it was his idea).

 

Now you know much more than you ever wanted to know about me!

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry about your marriage. You clearly were hooked into a serial cheater. But what's worse is he got to the point where he didn't even care that you knew about the cheating. What a piece of &%$#.

 

How someone can treat a human being that they claim to have once loved like that is just amazing. The world is made up of evil and selfish people isn't it?

[The Blue Knight]

Funny you should mention this, TBK. I think that in choosing to have an affair, he gave up on our having something better and different. He is seeing now that what he went outside of the marriage to get, he could have gotten at home for all these years - we were both just too much in our worlds to realize what we had in front of us. These days he often says that he feels he is just getting to know his wife, and it's true. I am also learning a lot about myself. When he was being deprived of sex and intimacy all those years, I was going through the same thing too, and since the D-day, I don't hold back on what I need from a relationship.

 

And yes, it is a sweet thing to see his reaction when I go that extra step to look hot . I also notice more other men's reactions, which, I am a little embarrassed to admit, does help my self-esteem.

You shouldn't be embarrassed for looking good Sandie. You need that right now. Actually, everyone does to certain extent.

 

And now there's a side of you that's coming out that you've suppressed in the marriage all these years. Perhaps what's coming out of this will end up being a very positive thing in the end.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks for your post, SP. I agree with you - most people don't wear on their sleeves the misery of their marriages. I guess what makes me sad is seeing other faithful couples be partners. They can have lots of problems but they lean on each other to solve them. My husband, on the other hand, did not try to solve *our* problems, but his.

 

By the way, you referred to this in one of your older posts, but you brought it up again now - your MM's "8 year sexless marriage." My husband and I were having intimacy/sex issues for most of our 8 years (not completely without sex, but sadly, very little). I am actually so ashamed to write this because it makes me feel crappy, but that's the reality. In one of our recent talks, we both acknowledged how it was a miracle that we stayed together all these years loving each other and being there for each other on so many levels with this kind of intimacy problems.

 

I'll say this and I've said it before. I probably would have ended up like your husband Sandie had I had such limited sexual relations with my wife over 8 years. I'm thankful that it didn't happen to me and we had our own crisis in a different form which has made things better today.

 

Our issues had more to do with her lack of initiating intimacy. We had regular enough sex. I just always felt that I was the one pursuing and it became very one-sided feeling over several years.

 

Obviously had he sat down and discussed it with you things could have changed. But the reality is this. I discussed it with my wife several times and things would change for a week or two and then slip back to the old ways. I bring this up because if your husband had discussed it with you would it have made the impact on you that the affair did? Just something to consider.

 

[The Blue Knight]

I think I have a similar outlook as you, TBK. Being the bigger person now, however it hurts, would (I think) make me look back if this doesn't work out and know my actions were not regrettable. I am not a very religious person, but I have been praying for strength and an open heart. Not so much praying for things to work out between us, but to be able to forgive him. Moving on (if that should happen) without forgiving him first would ruin my future chances at being happy.

Forgiveness, as hard as it is is the key I believe. Nothing can move forward with any degree of permanency until that happens, but the time it takes varies from person to person obviously. In the end, what I think you'll come to realize is that the forgiveness of your husband frees you from the bonds your husbands affair.

[The Blue Knight]

This is an interesting perspective, TBK. I don't know if I agree or disagree. My husband has had more sex partners than I, but I never felt that he needed a variety (apparently, he needed consistency ). I, on the other hand, wondered at times during our relationship if I was missing out on some amazing experiences. Thank goodness I did not act on that.

 

I did date a man before my husband who slept with many women, and I can see how your theory could apply to him. I think he was incapable of being monogamous, and I could have never had a serious relationship with him because of that.

 

You kind of stumbled on something there Sandie. All guys I think like variety. But there is variety of women (cheaters method of variety) and there is variety within a "consistent" (to use your word) monogamous relationship. Guys like myself simply want the security and consistency with the one woman we love. Variety within that relationship is helpful in keeping things fun and exciting.

[The Blue Knight]

I think on some level my husband's number of partners did bother me, but rarely did I think about it as either a negative or positive (what I cared about was that he was clean!) Unfortunately, at this point I hope he doesn't fall in your categories otherwise I am royally screwed!

There are exceptions to every rule in relationships Sandie. I have no idea how many women your hubby was with prior to your marriage so I can't say if the 31 Flavors theory would even apply to him. Keep in the back of your mind also that men tend to exaggerate their previous "partners" when they meet a girl. It's a sign of their prowess in their minds.

 

Of course, your husbands values could have changed after meeting you. He could have been so overwhelmingly in love with you that he really didn't want to be with anyone else after meeting you. Hard to say.

 

I guess you'd have to establish that he's cheated a couple times prior to this woman to really know where he fits. But at this point he seems to be doing the things that only a guy who still wants his marriage to work would do.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK, I'm loving your theory about the 31 flavours of ice cream. I'm one of those gals who believed that the more sexual partners a man had in the past, the better he was in bed. Now this may be true but I have also learned that the more partners he's had, the more need he may have for variety.

 

My xH was one of those. While he claimed fidelity was important, he always believed there were many fish in the sea. That's not a good attitude to have when M.

 

Sandie, I'm coming late to your thread but wanted to say that I admire how calmly you are handling this. While you want to give your H a chance, you're still weary. My opinion is that your H is trying very hard. I don't think there's anything he's doing to make you suspect that he's still cheating. Checking up on him using recorders and key loggers seems to me to be too much work. If he's lying to you, you'll figure it out soon enough.

 

For now, take it one day at a time. Enjoy every happy moment and don't let worry ruin it for you. It will work out one way or the other.

Nice to see you back Nemo. We missed seeing your insightful opinions.

 

It's funny that you mention your ex-husband stating fidelity was important to him, but essentially he was not that person. It makes me think back to my ex-wife who would protest vehemently about cheaters, and often for no reason.

 

One night she and I rented a movie (this is 1987) called "Someone to Watch Over Me." The premise was a married NYPD detective is given an assignment to watch over a woman who has as contract out on her because she witnessed a murder. An affair begins between the single woman being watched over and the married detective. What was so astounding was my ex-wife's response to the movie as we sat there watching it. She protested throughout, "how could a married man do that to his wife." I was like, "dear, it's just a movie."

 

When she finally cheated on me a couple of years later I came to realize something that I had studied in psychology. Those who protest a bit too much about a certain subject, are often protesting issues and shortcomings that they see in themselves.

[SandieBeach]

TBK, I'm loving your theory about the 31 flavours of ice cream. I'm one of those gals who believed that the more sexual partners a man had in the past, the better he was in bed. Now this may be true but I have also learned that the more partners he's had, the more need he may have for variety.

 

My xH was one of those. While he claimed fidelity was important, he always believed there were many fish in the sea. That's not a good attitude to have when M.

 

Sandie, I'm coming late to your thread but wanted to say that I admire how calmly you are handling this. While you want to give your H a chance, you're still weary. My opinion is that your H is trying very hard. I don't think there's anything he's doing to make you suspect that he's still cheating. Checking up on him using recorders and key loggers seems to me to be too much work. If he's lying to you, you'll figure it out soon enough.

 

For now, take it one day at a time. Enjoy every happy moment and don't let worry ruin it for you. It will work out one way or the other.

 

Thank you Nemo for your kind words. This forum has been a life saver for me, and the cheapest IC I could ever find!

[SandieBeach]

I'll say this and I've said it before. I probably would have ended up like your husband Sandie had I had such limited sexual relations with my wife over 8 years. I'm thankful that it didn't happen to me and we had our own crisis in a different form which has made things better today.

 

Our issues had more to do with her lack of initiating intimacy. We had regular enough sex. I just always felt that I was the one pursuing and it became very one-sided feeling over several years.

 

Obviously had he sat down and discussed it with you things could have changed. But the reality is this. I discussed it with my wife several times and things would change for a week or two and then slip back to the old ways. I bring this up because if your husband had discussed it with you would it have made the impact on you that the affair did? Just something to consider.

 

I can see how one's one-sided pursuits can lead to frustration. It can make a person feel less wanted, and I experienced that as well. See, over the last 7 months (around the time the affair started), I was actually making the moves more regularly as I was trying to get pregnant. That, of course, did not make him feel any more wanted since I was on a mission: he had the goods and I needed some of them! It's ironic how clear things are these days! During some of our calm conversations, we have both agreed how amazing it is that we've stayed together all of these years.

 

I am glad to hear that you and your wife found a way to figure our your problems before it escalated into something you would regret. Sounds like it was not easy though, but you were comfortable enough to bring it to her attention.

 

To answer your question - and I have been asking myself this same question since I found out about the affair: Had my husband tried to talk to me about our intimacy issues before the affair, I don't know if the conversation would have made an impact on me the way the affair did. We liken this whole thing to a giant wall that we have been building between us. We left a few mini windows for the light to come through, but it was quite a sturdy wall . The affair pretty much blew up the wall and we both stand there completely exposed and vulnerable. I found out a lot of things about my husband that I don't respect (wouldn't end marriage over those things, but I do think a little less of him). Then, of course, there is the actual affair that's forcing us to talk about our issues. And, frankly, it's much easier to talk about a lot of things these days. I find myself feeling like I have nothing to lose, so I am open about what I had been missing in our marriage. If we did not have something as explosive as his affair, perhaps we would be a lot more cautious opening up to each other.

[SandieBeach]

There are exceptions to every rule in relationships Sandie. I have no idea how many women your hubby was with prior to your marriage so I can't say if the 31 Flavors theory would even apply to him. Keep in the back of your mind also that men tend to exaggerate their previous "partners" when they meet a girl. It's a sign of their prowess in their minds.

 

Of course, your husbands values could have changed after meeting you. He could have been so overwhelmingly in love with you that he really didn't want to be with anyone else after meeting you. Hard to say.

 

I guess you'd have to establish that he's cheated a couple times prior to this woman to really know where he fits. But at this point he seems to be doing the things that only a guy who still wants his marriage to work would do.

 

So, I totally spoke before thinking (as if that's something new for me! ). I dated two men before my husband, both of whom were total man-whores (sorry guys who go for the variety ). I mentioned one guys in my prior post, but the other one was just as accomplished (I'd say each of their numbers were at least in the high 20s). So, I was reading your post, and I just kept thinking how many women my husband must have slept with, without realizing that I was totally projecting these fears onto my husband!

 

I have known the names of his girlfriends, and stories about his relationships with them, so after thinking about it a little, the number I came up with was 8 (not including me, and including the woman he had an affair with). I had a smaller number of partners, but then my husband is several years older than I, and almost all of his partners were committed relationships. I talked to him about that later this morning, and he had the same number as I. Of course, all of this assumes that he never cheated on me before this latest woman. In any event, I felt a little bit better afterwards

[SandieBeach]

When she finally cheated on me a couple of years later I came to realize something that I had studied in psychology. Those who protest a bit too much about a certain subject, are often protesting issues and shortcomings that they see in themselves.

 

Scary, isn't it?

[SandieBeach]

I can see how one's one-sided pursuits can lead to frustration. It can make a person feel less wanted, and I experienced that as well. See, over the last 7 months (around the time the affair started), I was actually making the moves more regularly as I was trying to get pregnant. That, of course, did not make him feel any more wanted since I was on a mission: he had the goods and I needed some of them! It's ironic how clear things are these days! During some of our calm conversations, we have both agreed how amazing it is that we've stayed together all of these years.

 

I am glad to hear that you and your wife found a way to figure our your problems before it escalated into something you would regret. Sounds like it was not easy though, but you were comfortable enough to bring it to her attention.

 

To answer your question - and I have been asking myself this same question since I found out about the affair: Had my husband tried to talk to me about our intimacy issues before the affair, I don't know if the conversation would have made an impact on me the way the affair did. We liken this whole thing to a giant wall that we have been building between us. We left a few mini windows for the light to come through, but it was quite a sturdy wall . The affair pretty much blew up the wall and we both stand there completely exposed and vulnerable. I found out a lot of things about my husband that I don't respect (wouldn't end marriage over those things, but I do think a little less of him). Then, of course, there is the actual affair that's forcing us to talk about our issues. And, frankly, it's much easier to talk about a lot of things these days. I find myself feeling like I have nothing to lose, so I am open about what I had been missing in our marriage. If we did not have something as explosive as his affair, perhaps we would be a lot more cautious opening up to each other.

 

 

EDIT ALERT! EDIT ALERT! Just to make it clear, I do NOT condone his choice to have an affair. If we end up working things out, perhaps I would feel that the affair made our marriage stronger (ahem...where is the emoticon for gagging??). Right now, I am so hurt, I can't be sure I want to be married to him, but I do see how the affair has changed our lives.

[The Blue Knight]

I can see how one's one-sided pursuits can lead to frustration. It can make a person feel less wanted, and I experienced that as well. See, over the last 7 months (around the time the affair started), I was actually making the moves more regularly as I was trying to get pregnant. That, of course, did not make him feel any more wanted since I was on a mission: he had the goods and I needed some of them! It's ironic how clear things are these days! During some of our calm conversations, we have both agreed how amazing it is that we've stayed together all of these years.

 

I am glad to hear that you and your wife found a way to figure our your problems before it escalated into something you would regret. Sounds like it was not easy though, but you were comfortable enough to bring it to her attention.

 

To answer your question - and I have been asking myself this same question since I found out about the affair: Had my husband tried to talk to me about our intimacy issues before the affair, I don't know if the conversation would have made an impact on me the way the affair did. We liken this whole thing to a giant wall that we have been building between us. We left a few mini windows for the light to come through, but it was quite a sturdy wall . The affair pretty much blew up the wall and we both stand there completely exposed and vulnerable. I found out a lot of things about my husband that I don't respect (wouldn't end marriage over those things, but I do think a little less of him). Then, of course, there is the actual affair that's forcing us to talk about our issues. And, frankly, it's much easier to talk about a lot of things these days. I find myself feeling like I have nothing to lose, so I am open about what I had been missing in our marriage. If we did not have something as explosive as his affair, perhaps we would be a lot more cautious opening up to each other.

Exactly. I think sometimes affairs (note: not saying they are good) give the marriage the necessary reality jolt needed to get the marriage back on the tracks. But if the two people don't feel mutual love for one another, this is going to end up just making a mess of things and ultimately lead to divorce.

[The Blue Knight]

So, I totally spoke before thinking (as if that's something new for me! ). I dated two men before my husband, both of whom were total man-whores (sorry guys who go for the variety ). I mentioned one guys in my prior post, but the other one was just as accomplished (I'd say each of their numbers were at least in the high 20s). So, I was reading your post, and I just kept thinking how many women my husband must have slept with, without realizing that I was totally projecting these fears onto my husband!

 

I have known the names of his girlfriends, and stories about his relationships with them, so after thinking about it a little, the number I came up with was 8 (not including me, and including the woman he had an affair with). I had a smaller number of partners, but then my husband is several years older than I, and almost all of his partners were committed relationships. I talked to him about that later this morning, and he had the same number as I. Of course, all of this assumes that he never cheated on me before this latest woman. In any event, I felt a little bit better afterwards

 

Well there you go. Things are more balanced between the two of you than you even realized.

[The Blue Knight]

EDIT ALERT! EDIT ALERT! Just to make it clear, I do NOT condone his choice to have an affair. If we end up working things out, perhaps I would feel that the affair made our marriage stronger (ahem...where is the emoticon for gagging??). Right now, I am so hurt, I can't be sure I want to be married to him, but I do see how the affair has changed our lives.

You know that old "water glass half full - half empty" ???

 

Keep trying to view it as half full. How you view this whole incident is what's going to make a big difference. It sounds to me like it's the spark needed for you guys to get back to where you should have been for the past eight years.

 

By the way, is he continuing to show you how special you are? It's been about a month now since you found out. Just want to make sure he's not letting me down since I kind of said that I related to him somewhat.

[beenburned]

TBK,

Thank you so much for your insights into serial cheating MM!

 

I laughed when I read the different categories of serial cheaters, but they are so true.

 

I really think my H thought he was in the first one, "God's gift to women".

 

Growing up my H was just an average looking guy, but when he hit his mid 20's he blossomed into a gorgeous hunk of a guy, that women were falling all over.(even with me present, and them knowing he was married with young kids)

 

Since his self esteem was low from his childhood, he was very flattered at all the attention he was now getting.(loved it, ate it up, giddy high from it)

 

He later went on to have 3 short term flings in about a 5 year period.

 

Since we had just built our first home on land given by his family, I think he truly felt stuck with us and his responsibilities, even though he would have loved to be single again and a playboy.

 

When d-day hit, and I separated from him, I'm sure his parents laid down the law to him, when explaining all he was going to lose if I divorced him!

 

I'm really thankful he got his head out of his a** and grew up!

 

You also spoke of the double standards these guys have. My H told me if I ever cheated on him, he would divorce me immediately, because nobody treats him like that and gets away with it!

[SandieBeach]

You know that old "water glass half full - half empty" ???

 

Keep trying to view it as half full. How you view this whole incident is what's going to make a big difference. It sounds to me like it's the spark needed for you guys to get back to where you should have been for the past eight years.

 

By the way, is he continuing to show you how special you are? It's been about a month now since you found out. Just want to make sure he's not letting me down since I kind of said that I related to him somewhat.

 

See, on some days, glass is half-full, but on others, not only is it half empty, but there is a hole in the class, and the water is leaking!

 

My husband has continued to act remorseful, and is trying to show me how special I am to him - with words and actions. We have had meaningful conversations almost every day since (of course, there were more emotional, "how could you do this to me?" talks), but we are both realizing more and more how broken we had been over the years.

 

He has been also saying how the other woman was not me, and he never had the kind of closeness he had (and wanted) with me. That part I often tell him I don't want to hear about (my reasoning is that if she was not special to him, he wouldn't have been with her), but it does make me feel a little better to hear why our relationship is more meaningful to him. I will go as far to say that he is on the right track, and is acting more considerate than before.

[SandieBeach]

TBK,

Thank you so much for your insights into serial cheating MM!

 

I laughed when I read the different categories of serial cheaters, but they are so true.

 

I really think my H thought he was in the first one, "God's gift to women".

 

Growing up my H was just an average looking guy, but when he hit his mid 20's he blossomed into a gorgeous hunk of a guy, that women were falling all over.(even with me present, and them knowing he was married with young kids)

 

Since his self esteem was low from his childhood, he was very flattered at all the attention he was now getting.(loved it, ate it up, giddy high from it)

 

He later went on to have 3 short term flings in about a 5 year period.

 

Since we had just built our first home on land given by his family, I think he truly felt stuck with us and his responsibilities, even though he would have loved to be single again and a playboy.

 

When d-day hit, and I separated from him, I'm sure his parents laid down the law to him, when explaining all he was going to lose if I divorced him!

 

I'm really thankful he got his head out of his a** and grew up!

 

You also spoke of the double standards these guys have. My H told me if I ever cheated on him, he would divorce me immediately, because nobody treats him like that and gets away with it!

 

I agree with you - I have grown to look forward to TBK's insights on a daily basis!

[The Blue Knight]

TBK,

Thank you so much for your insights into serial cheating MM!

 

I laughed when I read the different categories of serial cheaters, but they are so true.

 

I really think my H thought he was in the first one, "God's gift to women".

 

Growing up my H was just an average looking guy, but when he hit his mid 20's he blossomed into a gorgeous hunk of a guy, that women were falling all over.(even with me present, and them knowing he was married with young kids)

 

Since his self esteem was low from his childhood, he was very flattered at all the attention he was now getting.(loved it, ate it up, giddy high from it)

 

He later went on to have 3 short term flings in about a 5 year period.

 

Since we had just built our first home on land given by his family, I think he truly felt stuck with us and his responsibilities, even though he would have loved to be single again and a playboy.

 

When d-day hit, and I separated from him, I'm sure his parents laid down the law to him, when explaining all he was going to lose if I divorced him!

 

I'm really thankful he got his head out of his a** and grew up!

 

You also spoke of the double standards these guys have. My H told me if I ever cheated on him, he would divorce me immediately, because nobody treats him like that and gets away with it!

Yeah, it's sad isn't it? And I have a share a gender with these guys.

 

So, just so I get it, you're still with him then and all is good? I saw you separated but you didn't mention divorce?

[The Blue Knight]

See, on some days, glass is half-full, but on others, not only is it half empty, but there is a hole in the class, and the water is leaking!

 

My husband has continued to act remorseful, and is trying to show me how special I am to him - with words and actions. We have had meaningful conversations almost every day since (of course, there were more emotional, "how could you do this to me?" talks), but we are both realizing more and more how broken we had been over the years.

 

He has been also saying how the other woman was not me, and he never had the kind of closeness he had (and wanted) with me. That part I often tell him I don't want to hear about (my reasoning is that if she was not special to him, he wouldn't have been with her), but it does make me feel a little better to hear why our relationship is more meaningful to him. I will go as far to say that he is on the right track, and is acting more considerate than before.

 

I think that married men and women are both capable of finding surrogates frankly but typically with differing motives.

 

Married women often are looking for an emotional connection that is nonexistent at home and will use sex to gain it.

 

Married men are often looking for a sexual connection that is nonexistent at home and will use the emotional connection to get it.

 

Both of those ideals are based on the normal (non-serial cheater) who wants to be in the marriage but finds a huge component of the marriage missing, as I view your husband.

 

[The Blue Knight]

I agree with you - I have grown to look forward to TBK's insights on a daily basis!

 

Okay . . . I'm blushing now Sandie