Dealing With Husband's Affair

[SandieBeach]

Yes I had this too! Very much so!

 

The walls fell down, and I think they stayed down. I lost my innocence about my partner as a whole. It made me feel like I deserved another shot at a real marriage where it wouldnt be stained and damaged.

 

Unfortunately he didn't turn it around for YEARS. it is so damaged that it makes it so hard to trust anything.

 

I used to look at couples in love and just bawl my eyes out knowing that i would probably never feel that innocent, all-encompassing, open love again. There will always be something inside me that never let's me fully trip that line.

 

For a long time I looked at the world like "everyone is cheating but me." (i had accidentally caught my father in an affair 2 months earlier and then my mother admitted to having cheated on him 3 times before they married. Jeez.) which made me feel even more alone. I also felt like the only one in the marriage.

 

I really wanted to just run away from it at times and entertain something new. The only thing that really stopped me was my daughter.

 

I don't think I would have felt tremendous guilt for him but I never want to cheat on anyone because I wouldn't want to put my worst enemy through this pain.

 

I know what you mean. I look at our married friends who have all kinds of issues, and only notice how faithful they are to each other. It makes it easier to see my husband's failings, and mourn how I ended up with a man who couldn't stay faithful to his wife. It does feel like self-pity and I don't like feeling this way.

[Kidd]

I know what you mean. I look at our married friends who have all kinds of issues, and only notice how faithful they are to each other. It makes it easier to see my husband's failings, and mourn how I ended up with a man who couldn't stay faithful to his wife. It does feel like self-pity and I don't like feeling this way.

 

Keep in mind that you are not alone. I had no idea how prevalent infidelity was before my wife's affair. It is freaking EVERYWHERE. For many of those happy couples, one of the partners is just as clueless as we all were.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yes yes and when they might have an argument over how to decorate the living room.... It's just like "cmon, the frigging living room decor? My husband is a man-whore for gods sakes. Just paint it blue and get it over with." it's like you can't relate anymore. It is pretty isolating and the only one close to understanding IS your spouse but thats messed up now. Kind of like being best friends with the enemy.

 

And of course the spouse has no idea how much it hurts and screws with your head etc.

 

I remember feeling like I was no longer lucky to have my partner and that my r was more of a liability.

[SandieBeach]

I think you're onto something when you say it's a psychological defense mechanism. Of course you're guarded. That's normal. You don't want to feel hurt or rolled over a second time by this guy and who can blame you?

 

I don't recall specifically feeling like you do, but I did feel like if a little payback ever came her way in the form of my stepping out, she'd have it coming. Eventually, that feeling subsided and I began to realize those were not the right feelings to consider if I was going to make it work.

 

To be honest having young kids at the time had a lot to do with my attitude about "making it work." They were very young and I didn't want to lose them to her in a divorce at that time.

 

You are absolutely right. I think what I worry about the most is having regrets - doing something that I would come to regret later. In your case, having children made the situation more difficult - it wasn't just the two of you that would be impacted by her infidelity. At least I don't have to worry about that.

[SandieBeach]

I was one that couldn't handle the imbalance in the relationship. I just couldn't handle that my wife was going to have this 50-time physical affair, replete with hotel stays (which I partially funded) and I was going to get zero; I would apparently roll over and take it. I also got signals from my wife that I should just go ahead and do it quietly and get it over with. I did. Oddly enough, it somewhat worked for me and my self-esteem issues. That said, my self-esteem boost was short-lived, I was still angry with my W shortly thereafter (with a lot less ground to stand on), I had less pride in myself, and she still continued lying (and we're now divorcing). I don't much blame myself because my Ws affair pretty well broke me about 6 times over. I had PTSD. But I can tell you that my own "balance" affair didn't help.

 

Thanks for sharing this, Kidd. I guess revenge may feel good in the heat of the moment, but it won't solve the problems.

[Steen719]

I know what you mean. I look at our married friends who have all kinds of issues, and only notice how faithful they are to each other. It makes it easier to see my husband's failings, and mourn how I ended up with a man who couldn't stay faithful to his wife. It does feel like self-pity and I don't like feeling this way.

 

OMG, this is so true. I feel the same way. I have friends who have been married for years and years. My 22 years was less than theirs. Do they have issues? Of course, who doesn't? But, they are faithful to each other. I keep wondering was it me that made this happen? Were they better wives? Did I just pick the wrong man? Divorced and I still ask myself...why me? I know self-pity, SandiBeach, and I understand.

 

I used to look at couples in love and just bawl my eyes out knowing that i would probably never feel that innocent, all-encompassing, open love again. There will always be something inside me that never let's me fully trip that line.

 

Yes, this is it! I hate that I feel this way, also. I feel that if I ever get over this, I won't ever be able to feel this ^^^ way again. I am envious of those couples, never wishing they didn't have it, but knowing I won't, makes me so freaking sad.

[The Blue Knight]

I would be lying if I said that that my self-esteem hasn't taken some serious pounding. Shortly after the affair and especially after my husband and I began our newfound sexual adventure, he has become very attentive, saying all the time how beautiful I look and how he sees me so differently now (which makes me gag a little, but what can I say - it's a natural reflex, right?? ). I did notice, however, that my own perspective towards my looks has changed. I am taking extra steps to look great, almost as if I am trying to point out to him (subliminally, of course), "Ha, this is what you screwed up, buddy!" :-)

 

Hi Sandie,

 

Reading your postings takes me back to a lot of those same sentiments. Yeah, I recall my self-esteem being at an all time low. Pretty normal when the person you have trusted most throughout your life betrays you in the worst way possible.

 

I will tell you that you're husband conveying to you how beautiful you look and how he sees you differently is probably quite sincere. You're a woman he probably believed he lost many years ago in his mind and in his heart and you've become that person again. While it might make you sick, trust me . . . I think he's being real.

 

The fact that you're doing yourself up with the extra touches here and there is also a normal response to your situation, more so in cases where the marriage is salvageable. You want to attract him; Show him how you match up against the other woman; and show him what he's going to be missing if he screws up Good for you!

[sad puppy]

Please don't think whenever you see "happy couples", that somehow their marriage is better than yours and that although they have "issues", that infidelity or whatever doesn't exist.

 

I am thinking of a distant friend on facebook. He was always posting lovey dovey photos of him & his wife & their kid, they were hosting parties, they were travelling, ... For years, I think a lot of people looking at this would think to themselves, "wow, those guys must be so happy together". Not so fast.

 

He deleted his profile for about 8 months. Then, boom, all of a sudden, he's back on, his status is divorced and he has a new woman with him in his profile pic, photos of them out to dinner, ... I'm not saying he had an affair, I don't know. But, clearly there were issues (I think the wife was sort of a loose cannon with partying and stuff), that were not evident on the surface.

 

My xMM disclosure to friends and family that he was separating was a complete shock to people. Yep, he was having an affair (while in 8 yr sexless marriage), and had not had a social companion in his wife since the kids were born, but "on the surface", they looked like the happy, suburban couple.

 

So, remember, what you see is not always so.

 

I just didn't want you all to think that everyone else has these perfect marriages, when, sometimes, the reality is quite different than what appears on the surface.

 

Remember, most affairs are conducted in secret, so with your friends, you just never know.

[The Blue Knight]

You are absolutely right. I think what I worry about the most is having regrets - doing something that I would come to regret later. In your case, having children made the situation more difficult - it wasn't just the two of you that would be impacted by her infidelity. At least I don't have to worry about that.

 

Yep, younger kids throw a monkey wrench in the mix. You can't just consider yourself, your pride, or how you feel emotionally. I don't regret trying to make it work. I was the bigger person for it. And it gave my kids the time they needed to get a little bit older where they could make the decision with who to live with when we split as opposed to rolling the dice and letting the courts decide.

 

I don't want to sound real preachy here. For me, my Christian faith was instrumental in my being able to move forward. Not that it was easy, but it was very helpful because I was able to forgive eventually and move on without any regrets. The thing is I got remarried 15 years ago as did my ex-wife and I could still be holding onto "what she did to me" but instead I get along just fine with her. My wife and I see them now and then, often because we have kids together who are older now or there are social events that we end up at together. Doesn't phase me a bit.

 

You're very self-aware and that's good. As you pointed out above, you'd just regret it if you behaved the same way. Vengeance, despite what people like to believe isn't all that satisfying in the end. You become the very person that you resent for their behavior.

 

I know a lot of divorced people who are still seething over being wronged 10 and 20 years after the fact, which for me is hard to comprehend. Life is too short. And holding onto it just placed a burden on my heart. So I moved on and I've always been happy that I did.

 

You're situation is different (no kids) so you can walk anytime. But you know as well as I do that there are still many ties emotionally, many good memories, and a lot to stay together for. Starting over isn't anything great in most cases which is why second marriages have a higher divorce rate. I was blessed to have a woman come into my life almost immediately after the divorce was final and we've been together since that time and minus the normal somewhat minor bumps in the road, we've been very happy.

 

The dating game isn't my cup of tea and so I only went out with a couple girls before I met my current wife . . . THANKFULLY!!! I tell you this because your marital setback, while it stings very bad, is recoverable if your hubby is really about getting you guys back on track. All you have to do is look at the dating posts on loveshack to realize that the crop of good life-partner candidates out there isn't as great as everyone thinks.

[The Blue Knight]

OMG, this is so true. I feel the same way. I have friends who have been married for years and years. My 22 years was less than theirs. Do they have issues? Of course, who doesn't? But, they are faithful to each other. I keep wondering was it me that made this happen? Were they better wives? Did I just pick the wrong man? Divorced and I still ask myself...why me? I know self-pity, SandiBeach, and I understand.

 

Yes, this is it! I hate that I feel this way, also. I feel that if I ever get over this, I won't ever be able to feel this ^^^ way again. I am envious of those couples, never wishing they didn't have it, but knowing I won't, makes me so freaking sad.

 

Affairs are so varied with so many facets involved it's hard to really have one standard answer. I've posted opposite opinions about what the person cheated on should do than what I felt Sandie should do, but the dynamics change in each relationship.

 

You have plenty of "leave them if they cheated on you" people here on loveshack. It's more complicated than that and anyone who has been cheated on knows that more than those who preach what they'd do or not do if it happened to them. There are so many dynamics that go into why a person has an affair that you have to consider what led to it in the first place.

 

Cases like Sandie's, and perhaps yours Steen had contributing factors from both marital partners. Then again, there are others who are just born cheaters. It's a matter of determining which you have on your hands once you discover the truth about the affair.

 

Regarding your comment about couples who remain together for a number of years being "faithful to each other" I'd caution always believing that's the case. I know men who are serial cheaters and their wives have never known about the other women. By all appearances, they seem like normal loving couples. So don't assume that every "good" marriage doesn't have it's own share of secrets.

[beenburned]

TBK,

I don't understand why serial cheaters don't just get a divorce!(since they want to act like a single person) Any thoughts on this since you know them personally?

 

It just burns me up to think of all the wasted years that the BW/BH could have been with someone who truely loved them, and was faithful to them!

[Steen719]

 

Regarding your comment about couples who remain together for a number of years being "faithful to each other" I'd caution always believing that's the case. I know men who are serial cheaters and their wives have never known about the other women. By all appearances, they seem like normal loving couples. So don't assume that every "good" marriage doesn't have it's own share of secrets.

 

Oh, I know that. Having been cheated on twice by my XH, I know all too well how easy it is to get away with it. Of course, I do not know for sure about the other couples, so let me say it this way. Having known most of them for 40 years, I would be surprised if they did, and if so, they hid it well. I know that people are not as they seem....yes, that is true. BUT, there are really happy couples who have a good life, are happy together (despite the problems they have had through the years) and I admire them for their stick-to-it-ness. Listen, I am anything but a Pollyanna. I know full well what people can and do to others. I know I have contributed to problems in my marriage...who is not? Really? Every one of us contributed to our marital problems. I did not deserve what I got from my XH, however. I do contend there are happy couples. Maybe not all of the ones that look like it, but there are some.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK,

I don't understand why serial cheaters don't just get a divorce!(since they want to act like a single person) Any thoughts on this since you know them personally?

 

It just burns me up to think of all the wasted years that the BW/BH could have been with someone who truely loved them, and was faithful to them!

 

Hmmm . . . Yeah I can offer some insights. But it's not like all these guys are cut from the same cloth necessarily.

 

There is the Beauty-Commodity Principle in which the guy thinks he's too much man to be strapped down by one woman. In other words he sees this as selfish because it deprives other women of his wonderfulness. Some married women fall into this category as well.

 

The guy that comes to mind who fell into this category I worked with for quite a while. He was married to a great looking gal. She looked like a young Jane Seymour.

 

I knew about his philandering's and to be honest, I'm one of those guys who would rather not know.

 

He was your basic good looking dude and had no problem attracting women and I think that was his downfall. He knew he had the looks and he couldn't stop himself from acting on the opportunities because if the principle I mentioned above. She finally caught him once, then after they survived that, a couple years later. That ended it.

 

Another guy I work with has a theory (very screwed up in my opinion) that you have your public life, your private life, and your "only you know about it" life. So he simply places his cheating in the third category and compartmentalizes it from his wife and kids. He's never struck me as a person who feels any guilt or remorse over it either.

 

He's more of the Serial-Opportunist Principle. In other words, he doesn't necessarily go looking, but if something comes his way, he's not going to say no.

 

Your question: Why don't they just divorce and live the single life? Simple explanation. Human selfishness. They want the best of both worlds. They like having a steady partner who is there all the time in a wife and the domestic life that kids offer they typically desire like everyone else. BUT, they also like their flings on the side and entertain them at every opportunity.

 

If it makes you feel better as I guy I don't understand this either. I mean, I've had opportunities pop up here and there. I just consider the idea off limits and I also try to live by the "do unto others" principle. In other words, I know how I'd feel if my wife did that to me so I couldn't ever do it to her. I can't imagine the look on her face or how it would break her heart if she found out I did something like that. These guys I'm describing don't have that type of conscience.

 

The funny thing is, these serial cheaters would also be referring to their wives as whores and pieces of %$#@ if their wives did this to them. They don't even seem remotely aware of the double standard that they live by.

 

It's not just men either beenburned. I went to a call yesterday where the wife was caught doing the deed by the husband who happened to come home early from work and caught her in bed with a relative. Does it get much worse than that? They'd been married under four years and she's already getting banged by some other guy, and in the husband's bed!

 

I will offer this and you can make of it what you like. I've thrown out my 31 Flavors of Ice Cream Theory before but it bears repeating since it's tied to this subject. I believe that the more flavors of ice cream a guy gets prior to marriage, the harder it is for him to settle for one flavor after marriage. In other words, my advice is find a guy or a gal who has not been with so many other people sexually that it's going to be hard for them to settle on one person later on.

 

A lot of people in this sexually crazed age will suggest that the more partners you have, the more experience you have, and therefore you're more likely to know what you want when you settle. Or if you will, they'll suggest that sowing your wild oats prior to wedlock "gets it out of your system" so that when you find "the one" you know you're ready to settle down.

 

Obviously, I'd suggest just the opposite. The best marriages in my opinion are two people exploring and sharing sexual experiences together and traveling those roads side-by-side. Just my opinion. I have no studies to support it. I just happen to believe that these are factors that weigh heavily into why these things happen.

 

 

[frozensprouts]

Please don't think whenever you see "happy couples", that somehow their marriage is better than yours and that although they have "issues", that infidelity or whatever doesn't exist.

 

I am thinking of a distant friend on facebook. He was always posting lovey dovey photos of him & his wife & their kid, they were hosting parties, they were travelling, ... For years, I think a lot of people looking at this would think to themselves, "wow, those guys must be so happy together". Not so fast.

 

He deleted his profile for about 8 months. Then, boom, all of a sudden, he's back on, his status is divorced and he has a new woman with him in his profile pic, photos of them out to dinner, ... I'm not saying he had an affair, I don't know. But, clearly there were issues (I think the wife was sort of a loose cannon with partying and stuff), that were not evident on the surface.

 

My xMM disclosure to friends and family that he was separating was a complete shock to people. Yep, he was having an affair (while in 8 yr sexless marriage), and had not had a social companion in his wife since the kids were born, but "on the surface", they looked like the happy, suburban couple.

 

So, remember, what you see is not always so.

 

I just didn't want you all to think that everyone else has these perfect marriages, when, sometimes, the reality is quite different than what appears on the surface.

 

Remember, most affairs are conducted in secret, so with your friends, you just never know.

 

 

this is true.

after my husband had cheated and we had reconciled, he deployed overseas and I would go to "spouse support coffee nights"... ( not sure who thought giving a bunch of worried ladies coffee to drink at night would be a good idea...something "harder" may have been better:laugh:)

 

I'd go, and I'd sit there surrounded by women who all seemed very ice, but their issues they complained about seemed so trivial. I'd sit there and think " you're worried that your husband may shave his mustache while he's away...well, I'm worried that mine will come back and we'll get be getting divorced". It all seemed silly to me.

 

The padre who had helped me out before when my husband was cheating and who was the facilitator asked me if I enjoyed myself, and I told him how how I felt.

he told me that you can never tell what is going on in someone's marriage based on outward appearances, and many of them may have been going through bad times too.

 

goes to show...you can't always tell from a position of being on the outside looking in, what is going on between a husband and wife.

[The Blue Knight]

Oh, I know that. Having been cheated on twice by my XH, I know all too well how easy it is to get away with it. Of course, I do not know for sure about the other couples, so let me say it this way. Having known most of them for 40 years, I would be surprised if they did, and if so, they hid it well. I know that people are not as they seem....yes, that is true. BUT, there are really happy couples who have a good life, are happy together (despite the problems they have had through the years) and I admire them for their stick-to-it-ness. Listen, I am anything but a Pollyanna. I know full well what people can and do to others. I know I have contributed to problems in my marriage...who is not? Really? Every one of us contributed to our marital problems. I did not deserve what I got from my XH, however. I do contend there are happy couples. Maybe not all of the ones that look like it, but there are some.

 

Sorry. I didn't mean for that last posting to sound like you assumed they were all good marriages because they'd been together so long. Obviously, you know better.

 

I agree. There are happy couples and there are solid marriages. I happen to think that they are more and more rare but they're out there.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually, the studies do back it up, quite a bit. One of my biggest regrets is marrying a high-number partner and all of that baggage.

 

Hmmm . . . Yeah I can offer some insights. But it's not like all these guys are cut from the same cloth necessarily.

 

There is the Beauty-Commodity Principle in which the guy thinks he's too much man to be strapped down by one woman. In other words he sees this as selfish because it deprives other women of his wonderfulness. Some married women fall into this category as well.

 

The guy that comes to mind who fell into this category I worked with for quite a while. He was married to a great looking gal. She looked like a young Jane Seymour.

 

I knew about his philandering's and to be honest, I'm one of those guys who would rather not know.

 

He was your basic good looking dude and had no problem attracting women and I think that was his downfall. He knew he had the looks and he couldn't stop himself from acting on the opportunities because if the principle I mentioned above. She finally caught him once, then after they survived that, a couple years later. That ended it.

 

Another guy I work with has a theory (very screwed up in my opinion) that you have your public life, your private life, and your "only you know about it" life. So he simply places his cheating in the third category and compartmentalizes it from his wife and kids. He's never struck me as a person who feels any guilt or remorse over it either.

 

He's more of the Serial-Opportunist Principle. In other words, he doesn't necessarily go looking, but if something comes his way, he's not going to say no.

 

Your question: Why don't they just divorce and live the single life? Simple explanation. Human selfishness. They want the best of both worlds. They like having a steady partner who is there all the time in a wife and the domestic life that kids offer they typically desire like everyone else. BUT, they also like their flings on the side and entertain them at every opportunity.

 

If it makes you feel better as I guy I don't understand this either. I mean, I've had opportunities pop up here and there. I just consider the idea off limits and I also try to live by the "do unto others" principle. In other words, I know how I'd feel if my wife did that to me so I couldn't ever do it to her. I can't imagine the look on her face or how it would break her heart if she found out I did something like that. These guys I'm describing don't have that type of conscience.

 

The funny thing is, these serial cheaters would also be referring to their wives as whores and pieces of %$#@ if their wives did this to them. They don't even seem remotely aware of the double standard that they live by.

 

It's not just men either beenburned. I went to a call yesterday where the wife was caught doing the deed by the husband who happened to come home early from work and caught her in bed with a relative. Does it get much worse than that? They'd been married under four years and she's already getting banged by some other guy, and in the husband's bed!

 

I will offer this and you can make of it what you like. I've thrown out my 31 Flavors of Ice Cream Theory before but it bears repeating since it's tied to this subject. I believe that the more flavors of ice cream a guy gets prior to marriage, the harder it is for him to settle for one flavor after marriage. In other words, my advice is find a guy or a gal who has not been with so many other people sexually that it's going to be hard for them to settle on one person later on.

 

A lot of people in this sexually crazed age will suggest that the more partners you have, the more experience you have, and therefore you're more likely to know what you want when you settle. Or if you will, they'll suggest that sowing your wild oats prior to wedlock "gets it out of your system" so that when you find "the one" you know you're ready to settle down.

 

Obviously, I'd suggest just the opposite. The best marriages in my opinion are two people exploring and sharing sexual experiences together and traveling those roads side-by-side. Just my opinion. I have no studies to support it. I just happen to believe that these are factors that weigh heavily into why these things happen.

 

 

[Steen719]

Sorry. I didn't mean for that last posting to sound like you assumed they were all good marriages because they'd been together so long. Obviously, you know better.

 

I agree. There are happy couples and there are solid marriages. I happen to think that they are more and more rare but they're out there.

 

Oh, no problem. I wasn't offended. I understood what you meant. And I do agree, they are more rare...no doubt about it.

 

Actually, the studies do back it up, quite a bit. One of my biggest regrets is marrying a high-number partner and all of that baggage.

 

I am right there with you and I have to admit, this take on it is new to me, but it really does make sense. AND, in my XH's case, it gave him a huge pool of x gfs to choose from. (You gotta laugh about something!)

[sad puppy]

It is selfishness, plain and simple. My xMM said "I don't want to give up everything I've worked for", when I was becoming agitated. He also said "I don't want to lose you".

 

Well, now hes he's living in an apartment and I walked out new year's day. Haha, how's that for irony?

[The Blue Knight]

It is selfishness, plain and simple. My xMM said "I don't want to give up everything I've worked for", when I was becoming agitated. He also said "I don't want to lose you".

 

Well, now hes he's living in an apartment and I walked out new year's day. Haha, how's that for irony?

 

So did he fit one of the married guys I described, or don't you really know for sure?

[The Blue Knight]

I am right there with you and I have to admit, this take on it is new to me, but it really does make sense. AND, in my XH's case, it gave him a huge pool of x gfs to choose from. (You gotta laugh about something!)

Okay, maybe you've shared some of this and I missed it. Was he guilty of trying out the 31 flavors by the time you met him? How about yourself?

 

I find that a lot of women are impressed by a man who has been with a lot of women. I think the assumption is, he must be a real catch and a tiger in the sack if he's been with all those women. Do you agree with that? Or is it just an attempt to tame the "bad boy" which is another flaw in many women's personalities.

[sad puppy]

So did he fit one of the married guys I described, or don't you really know for sure?

 

He didn't fit one of those descriptions. Just a guy that liked his wife, as a friend, she refused intimacy, and he loved his kids and his family life, vacations and such. We met, fell in love quickly, and spent most of our time trying to end the affair. Only saw each other about 20 times over the course of 21 months.

 

Selfish guy, for sure. And conflict avoider.

 

However, both he and the wife agreed they didn't have the necessary foundation to get married, apparently, they were just really good friends.

[Steen719]

Okay, maybe you've shared some of this and I missed it. Was he guilty of trying out the 31 flavors by the time you met him? How about yourself?

 

I find that a lot of women are impressed by a man who has been with a lot of women. I think the assumption is, he must be a real catch and a tiger in the sack if he's been with all those women. Do you agree with that? Or is it just an attempt to tame the "bad boy" which is another flaw in many women's personalities.

 

No, not a known bad boy (at least, not known by me). I knew he had more partners than I had, but I thought they were more long term and not so many. I did not have a lot of partners and since we met have not had anyone but him. I would not be with someone just because they had many women....really, the opposite would have been more likely. He has a thing for old girlfriends. He cheated 8 years in our marriage with an old girlfriend. I stayed (thought it was a mistake..blah, blah) and then after taking care of him through illness and liver transplant and financial ruin, he found another old girlfriend on facebook and they started planning an affair. I discovered it by phone records and then he gave me the ILYNILWY speech and it went downhill from there. Divorced in Oct. 2011 (after 22+ years), moved out of house January 28th (he was actively dating yet another either old gf or old friend), calling, texting, etc. in front of me). He would not leave the house, won't pay for it, is gone all of the time to the city where the new women is and my neighbors invited me for dinner tonight and are just sick he stayed and I left. My beautiful yard...growing up, bushes wild..UGH

 

Anyway, an interesting thing is after I moved out, I sent the facebook old gf a message on facebook, basically telling her that I didn't appreciate her participation in their EA (she insists it was not a PA...but who knows?). It started a conversation which told me many things; one of which was that when they dated (years before) and he took her to a party for his birthday (she had given him expensive cologne for bd and he wore some to the party), she found him in the kitchen with an old girlfriend talking bad about her!!!! He also lied a lot about me to her, met her in June & asked her to marry him while he was married to me and she had told him she was never leaving her husband and other crap. I do realize that she minimized her part in the mess, but basically, I believe her and not him. She has un-friended him on fb, saying she did not want him as a friend (he told me just a couple of weeks ago that he no longer had her on his fb...like it was his idea).

 

Now you know much more than you ever wanted to know about me!

Edited March 19, 2012 by Steen719

[Leigh 87]

I would ask him to please explain WHY he wants you, and not her.

 

What is it about you and your relationship with him, that makes him happier than he is with her?

 

 

He can tell you he wants you, but he has to tell you clearly WHY you mae him happier than the OW.

 

 

He should sound genuine, and go into detail about how much happier he is with you.

[SandieBeach]

Hi Sandie,

 

Reading your postings takes me back to a lot of those same sentiments. Yeah, I recall my self-esteem being at an all time low. Pretty normal when the person you have trusted most throughout your life betrays you in the worst way possible.

 

I will tell you that you're husband conveying to you how beautiful you look and how he sees you differently is probably quite sincere. You're a woman he probably believed he lost many years ago in his mind and in his heart and you've become that person again. While it might make you sick, trust me . . . I think he's being real.

 

The fact that you're doing yourself up with the extra touches here and there is also a normal response to your situation, more so in cases where the marriage is salvageable. You want to attract him; Show him how you match up against the other woman; and show him what he's going to be missing if he screws up Good for you!

 

Funny you should mention this, TBK. I think that in choosing to have an affair, he gave up on our having something better and different. He is seeing now that what he went outside of the marriage to get, he could have gotten at home for all these years - we were both just too much in our worlds to realize what we had in front of us. These days he often says that he feels he is just getting to know his wife, and it's true. I am also learning a lot about myself. When he was being deprived of sex and intimacy all those years, I was going through the same thing too, and since the D-day, I don't hold back on what I need from a relationship.

 

And yes, it is a sweet thing to see his reaction when I go that extra step to look hot . I also notice more other men's reactions, which, I am a little embarrassed to admit, does help my self-esteem.

[SandieBeach]

Please don't think whenever you see "happy couples", that somehow their marriage is better than yours and that although they have "issues", that infidelity or whatever doesn't exist.

 

I am thinking of a distant friend on facebook. He was always posting lovey dovey photos of him & his wife & their kid, they were hosting parties, they were travelling, ... For years, I think a lot of people looking at this would think to themselves, "wow, those guys must be so happy together". Not so fast.

 

He deleted his profile for about 8 months. Then, boom, all of a sudden, he's back on, his status is divorced and he has a new woman with him in his profile pic, photos of them out to dinner, ... I'm not saying he had an affair, I don't know. But, clearly there were issues (I think the wife was sort of a loose cannon with partying and stuff), that were not evident on the surface.

 

My xMM disclosure to friends and family that he was separating was a complete shock to people. Yep, he was having an affair (while in 8 yr sexless marriage), and had not had a social companion in his wife since the kids were born, but "on the surface", they looked like the happy, suburban couple.

 

So, remember, what you see is not always so.

 

I just didn't want you all to think that everyone else has these perfect marriages, when, sometimes, the reality is quite different than what appears on the surface.

 

Remember, most affairs are conducted in secret, so with your friends, you just never know.

 

Thanks for your post, SP. I agree with you - most people don't wear on their sleeves the misery of their marriages. I guess what makes me sad is seeing other faithful couples be partners. They can have lots of problems but they lean on each other to solve them. My husband, on the other hand, did not try to solve *our* problems, but his.

 

By the way, you referred to this in one of your older posts, but you brought it up again now - your MM's "8 year sexless marriage." My husband and I were having intimacy/sex issues for most of our 8 years (not completely without sex, but sadly, very little). I am actually so ashamed to write this because it makes me feel crappy, but that's the reality. In one of our recent talks, we both acknowledged how it was a miracle that we stayed together all these years loving each other and being there for each other on so many levels with this kind of intimacy problems.