Dealing With Husband's Affair

[2sunny]

Remember - HE cheated. Yep, you may not have been giving him sex... But many men (with character and a moral compass) live without more than that and STILL NEVER CONSIDER CHEATING.

 

Either he's the kind of guy who will - or won't.

 

Ask him if he's the one who will cheat. If he is prone to cheating - then you have a decision to make.

[SandieBeach]

I can understand your reluctance.

 

What has HE changed? What are his words and actions?

 

How much has he focused on you? How much has he let go of his cheating ways? How much is he being COMPLETELY forthcoming?

 

And I know you have wondered since the start of this thread... So - now - what has your gut been telling you this week?

 

I have been writing a lot about what he has done so far and what kind of disclosure I have been getting from him, so I won't retype it. He has done everything I have asked him to. So far. It has only been 4 weeks, so it's still early.

 

What has my gut been telling me this week? My gut has been affected by my paranoid thinking a lot lately. I hear a text message sound, and my "gut" tells me it's the woman....but then I check it, and it's not. I think I need a little bit more time to see transparency and commitment towards our marriage and dealing with his own issues. Until then, I will be watching...

[2sunny]

You shouldn't need to ask- he should be offering. He should be essentially restoring your peace of mind for you... IF he's really doing good, solid repair work - he should never leave you wondering.

[The Blue Knight]

Um....are you sure you are not my husband?? Yes, our marriage was definitely free of deep intimacy and we barely had sex. There was a clear need by both of us, and while I thought about cheating on him in the past but didn't, he took steps to fulfill what he was missing. I think remembering that I almost cheated is why I am still here giving him a chance. I know I would have regretted cheating, so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do agree that I will know in due time if he's being sincere. There is definitely more honesty and transparency now more then ever, and the sex part is out of the ball park. It's the trust part that would take me a looong time, and I am not typically a patient person...

 

At least you're honest Sandie. What was in your heart you didn't act on but he did. Essentially, what's in your heart is what you are whether you act on it or not. And trust me, we all have those flaws. You saw the same flaw in yourself and even though you didn't follow through on your impulses to cheat, he failed to do likewise. He's not a worse person for it necessarily. He may just be a weaker person or a person who needed that intimacy and loneliness vacancy filled more than you did.

 

Sometimes something like this is what kick-starts a marriage back on course and it becomes stronger for it . . . and no I'm not recommending stale marriages use this technique to re-energize the marriage. I can see the comments being posted already.

[The Blue Knight]

I do agree that I will know in due time if he's being sincere. There is definitely more honesty and transparency now more then ever, and the sex part is out of the ball park. It's the trust part that would take me a looong time, and I am not typically a patient person...

 

As I am Sandie which is why I pray often, Lord help me to be a more patient person . . . and please HURRY!!!

[SandieBeach]

Remember - HE cheated. Yep, you may not have been giving him sex... But many men (with character and a moral compass) live without more than that and STILL NEVER CONSIDER CHEATING.

 

Either he's the kind of guy who will - or won't.

 

Ask him if he's the one who will cheat. If he is prone to cheating - then you have a decision to make.

 

Absolutely! This is the question - will it happen again? Can a person EVER be sure that their spouse will not cheat? I think we need to be sure that cheating is not a character issue (like a serial cheater and stuff), but other than that, all we can do is make sure there is honesty, transparency and damn good sex in a marriage, and that both parties will do everything to protect the marriage.

 

One thing we both learned from this affair is that we CAN be honest with each other, and CAN tell each other what bothers us. Neither of us felt that we could really say what was on our mind because the other person may get upset.

[The Blue Knight]

You shouldn't need to ask- he should be offering. He should be essentially restoring your peace of mind for you... IF he's really doing good, solid repair work - he should never leave you wondering.

 

Sunny, everything Sandie has posted suggests that her husband's doing all of that and then some. Are you going to strap this guy between four horses and have them pull in various directions to squeeze every bit of life out of him?

 

I read this guy as very sad and remorseful about what's happened and his own despicable behavior. But I think he's thrilled at the opportunity to prove himself to Sandie and the shot at a second chance. While it's tougher to read people over this forum I do it for a living and I do it fairly well. From everything Sandie has reported from day one, her husband isn't a serial cheater. He's a normal guy whose marriage seemed non-existent with little mutual affection and something came along and he attempted to use that to fill the void he was feeling.

 

Mr. Sandie can only do so much in what little time he's had to make the changes as this just came to light a little under a month ago. Time is the missing ingredient that will slowly be added to the recipe for success and with that Sandie will know for sure.

[2sunny]

BK - it seems her gut might be kicking her... That is something to pay attention to. Just saying...

[Owl]

2Sunny...at 4 weeks post d-day, her gut is beyond paranoid. She's hurting more than she's ever hurt before...and she's terrified that she's misplacing her efforts in reconciling/rebuilding with him.

 

Her gut will be in this state for a couple more months AT LEAST.

 

Right now, she needs to be focusing on what she SEES in front of her...his ACTIONS will be speaking louder (and truer) than anything else at this point about what's REALLY going on.

 

If he's not 100% honest, if he's still hiding things or refusing to answer questions...that's what she needs to focus on, rather than her "gut" which is nothing but a visceral mess at the moment.

[The Blue Knight]

BK - it seems her gut might be kicking her... That is something to pay attention to. Just saying...

 

I think people in her position feel it in the gut no matter what Sunny. When my ex-wife cheated I couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate on daily activities. I know the feeling even though it was a long time ago. It eats at you every second of the day and feels like it permeates every cell of you body. As time goes by and things heal, trust returns and that "gut feeling" begins to subside. If Sandie didn't feel it in her gut, I'd say she's unemotional about her husband's affair to the point where the marriage was indeed over. The fact that she "feels" shows she still cares for him.

 

Yep, she should pay attention to it, but there's a fine line between over-paranoia and keeping common sense tabs on the husband. I have no doubt that she's spelled it out very clearly . . . IF IT EVER HAPPENS AGAIN, THERE WILL BE NO SECOND CHANCES!

[SandieBeach]

2Sunny...at 4 weeks post d-day, her gut is beyond paranoid. She's hurting more than she's ever hurt before...and she's terrified that she's misplacing her efforts in reconciling/rebuilding with him.

 

Her gut will be in this state for a couple more months AT LEAST.

 

Right now, she needs to be focusing on what she SEES in front of her...his ACTIONS will be speaking louder (and truer) than anything else at this point about what's REALLY going on.

 

If he's not 100% honest, if he's still hiding things or refusing to answer questions...that's what she needs to focus on, rather than her "gut" which is nothing but a visceral mess at the moment.

 

I could have not said it better, Owl!

[SandieBeach]

I think people in her position feel it in the gut no matter what Sunny. When my ex-wife cheated I couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate on daily activities. I know the feeling even though it was a long time ago. It eats at you every second of the day and feels like it permeates every cell of you body. As time goes by and things heal, trust returns and that "gut feeling" begins to subside. If Sandie didn't feel it in her gut, I'd say she's unemotional about her husband's affair to the point where the marriage was indeed over. The fact that she "feels" shows she still cares for him.

 

Yep, she should pay attention to it, but there's a fine line between over-paranoia and keeping common sense tabs on the husband. I have no doubt that she's spelled it out very clearly . . . IF IT EVER HAPPENS AGAIN, THERE WILL BE NO SECOND CHANCES!

 

I have tried to be very clear...if he lies to me about anything (even unrelated to the affair), then anything little that we built over the last few weeks, would go down the drain. Right now full-blown honesty is the only thing that matters.

 

I will admit though - my own paranoia is eating me alive, and as both you and Owl have said - it's impossible to separate it from reality. I am not the kind of person who snoops around trying to find dirt on her spouse, and even now when I check things, I am not trying to catch him doing something wrong. I think I am trying to reassure myself that he is doing everything right.

[The Blue Knight]

I have tried to be very clear...if he lies to me about anything (even unrelated to the affair), then anything little that we built over the last few weeks, would go down the drain. Right now full-blown honesty is the only thing that matters.

 

I will admit though - my own paranoia is eating me alive, and as both you and Owl have said - it's impossible to separate it from reality. I am not the kind of person who snoops around trying to find dirt on her spouse, and even now when I check things, I am not trying to catch him doing something wrong. I think I am trying to reassure myself that he is doing everything right.

 

I know what you're feeling Sandie as do others who have been cheated on by their spouses. It's a feeling of moving in and out of reality . . . it's surreal at times, and then it flashes back to utter reality. That process makes your emotions swing wildly between anger / disappointment / betrayal / sorrow / love / desire / desperation / resentment / you name it, you'll feel variations of all those things when your spouse cheats on you. Remember that it's normal and part of working through the problem.

 

I'm sure you're like I was waking up some mornings wondering, did that really happen? We all tell ourselves it won't happen to us. Affairs happen to others, but not "us." The reality is if you look at the statistics of those who have admitted to affairs (male and female), it's quite staggering.

 

I like the way you put that. You're trying to reassure yourself that he's doing everything right. I think that's a good attitude to have.

 

If he knows he's on a short leash and that any untruths (omitted or committed) are going to set you guys back, he'll do the right thing if he's intent on turning the corner and making things work. He needs time to make this right. He can't do it overnight. Give him the time he needs. It's up to him now whether he sinks or swims.

[Kidd]

I have tried to be very clear...if he lies to me about anything (even unrelated to the affair), then anything little that we built over the last few weeks, would go down the drain. Right now full-blown honesty is the only thing that matters.

 

Be prepared to be disappointed.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

do you find that you have been having trouble sleeping, that you go over and over what happened in your mind, and it keeps you from getting the rest you need?

[SandieBeach]

OP,

do you find that you have been having trouble sleeping, that you go over and over what happened in your mind, and it keeps you from getting the rest you need?

 

Absolutely. It has been a little better lately, but I have days when I wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about what happened. It is making it very difficult to focus on productive things in my life.

[SandieBeach]

I like the way you put that. You're trying to reassure yourself that he's doing everything right. I think that's a good attitude to have.

 

If he knows he's on a short leash and that any untruths (omitted or committed) are going to set you guys back, he'll do the right thing if he's intent on turning the corner and making things work. He needs time to make this right. He can't do it overnight. Give him the time he needs. It's up to him now whether he sinks or swims.

 

I realize that he needs time to show me he is sincere. And while I am still reconsidering whether or not we can ever have a strong marriage, I am still here, aren't I? To me, that means I am still giving it a shot.

 

I do have a question that's been troubling me for the last few weeks. Finding out that my husband carried on a 7-month affair and lied to me so successfully makes me feel like he is a total stranger. I don't want to do to him what he did to me, and don't want revenge at all (revenge would just make me all messed up), but I started to feel that if another man comes along, I would be open to considering a new relationship. Before the affair, I protected our marriage and refused to cross any boundaries with anyone. Today, I feel that my husband has already obliterated the boundaries, and I am not sure I would even feel guilty having feelings for someone else. I guess, I feel that our marriage has no protective borders around itself anymore.

 

In the spirit of honesty, I already shared the thoughts above with my husband (he was not happy), but I am trying to sort out my feelings. Are these feelings some kind of defense mechanism - i.e. why put all eggs into one basket, if you will? Am I just so hurt that I am guarding myself from potentially getting hurt again by my husband's actions?

 

This is something I plan to bring up in IC, but was wondering if anyone had any thoughts...Has anyone ever felt this way after their spouse's affair?

[frozensprouts]

Absolutely. It has been a little better lately, but I have days when I wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about what happened. It is making it very difficult to focus on productive things in my life.

 

ugh...i remember that too...

 

lack of sleep can make one really 'fuzzy headed", and can cause one to continuously rehash negative things in their mind, which leads to further lack of sleep, and so the cycle goes.

 

It's hard to have a clear mind when you're not rested...

 

i suppose that dealing with that is another part of coming to terms with a spouses affair

[frozensprouts]

 

 

In the spirit of honesty, I already shared the thoughts above with my husband (he was not happy), but I am trying to sort out my feelings. Are these feelings some kind of defense mechanism - i.e. why put all eggs into one basket, if you will? Am I just so hurt that I am guarding myself from potentially getting hurt again by my husband's actions?

 

This is something I plan to bring up in IC, but was wondering if anyone had any thoughts...Has anyone ever felt this way after their spouse's affair?

 

 

I think that finding out that your spouse, whom you loved and trusted more than anyone else, has had an affair can shake the very foundation of how you see the world and the people in it. You start questioning your own judgement and it can really cause you to view the world in a very different way. You can even stop trusting yourself.

How do you know the cheating was not just an isolated event in the other wise "good' behavior pattern of your spouse? How do you know they won't make that same choice the next time the chips are down?

 

Some betrayed spouses find that their self esteem has taken a real battering, and they feel the need for validation( what was wrong with me that caused them to cheat? I know that's nonsense, but our minds sometimes work in weird ways). Some feel the need to "balance" the relationship, and some just want revenge.

 

Some betrayed spouses make decisions that come back to "bite them in the rear" ( often we are our own worst enemies)

 

It can take quite a while to work through that...

[Spark1111]

I realize that he needs time to show me he is sincere. And while I am still reconsidering whether or not we can ever have a strong marriage, I am still here, aren't I? To me, that means I am still giving it a shot.

 

I do have a question that's been troubling me for the last few weeks. Finding out that my husband carried on a 7-month affair and lied to me so successfully makes me feel like he is a total stranger. I don't want to do to him what he did to me, and don't want revenge at all (revenge would just make me all messed up), but I started to feel that if another man comes along, I would be open to considering a new relationship. Before the affair, I protected our marriage and refused to cross any boundaries with anyone. Today, I feel that my husband has already obliterated the boundaries, and I am not sure I would even feel guilty having feelings for someone else. I guess, I feel that our marriage has no protective borders around itself anymore.

 

In the spirit of honesty, I already shared the thoughts above with my husband (he was not happy), but I am trying to sort out my feelings. Are these feelings some kind of defense mechanism - i.e. why put all eggs into one basket, if you will? Am I just so hurt that I am guarding myself from potentially getting hurt again by my husband's actions?

 

This is something I plan to bring up in IC, but was wondering if anyone had any thoughts...Has anyone ever felt this way after their spouse's affair?

 

OMG! So normal to have these thoughts....

 

I remember thinking the very same thing.....

 

All I wanted was a nice guy who would NEVER hurt me in this manner..that was the fantasy for a long time, and like you, I shared it with my H.

 

I do not believe they realize what pain and havoc they have wreaked by so living in the heat of the moment with their AP.

 

It takes time for them to realize what has been damaged, not just within the BS but also within themselves and their legacy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Frankly, 2sunny, there is nothing else he can do to show me he isn't in contact with her. I have access to pretty much everything I can think of. He is around me constantly, and doesn't seem to want to be away unless necessary for work. He had to travel recently (since I found out), and wanted me to go with him (which I did).

 

It's the last 7 months of lying that are preventing me from trusting his words and actions. It's hard for me to look at him and see my sweet husband. Instead, I look for a cunning individual who duped me for 7 months.

 

In my case it felt like my husband had died and there was this weird other, ignorant man in his place. He felt like a monster to me for a long time.

 

Now I see us both as very broken human beings.

 

However, I do look back at our early marriage almost like that person has died and I was somehow widowed ( my husband also took to fits of disappearing periodically afterwards as well though).

[dreamingoftigers]

OMG! So normal to have these thoughts....

 

I remember thinking the very same thing.....

 

All I wanted was a nice guy who would NEVER hurt me in this manner..that was the fantasy for a long time, and like you, I shared it with my H.

 

I do not believe they realize what pain and havoc they have wreaked by so living in the heat of the moment with their AP.

 

It takes time for them to realize what has been damaged, not just within the BS but also within themselves and their legacy.

 

Yes I had this too! Very much so!

 

The walls fell down, and I think they stayed down. I lost my innocence about my partner as a whole. It made me feel like I deserved another shot at a real marriage where it wouldnt be stained and damaged.

 

Unfortunately he didn't turn it around for YEARS. it is so damaged that it makes it so hard to trust anything.

 

I used to look at couples in love and just bawl my eyes out knowing that i would probably never feel that innocent, all-encompassing, open love again. There will always be something inside me that never let's me fully trip that line.

 

For a long time I looked at the world like "everyone is cheating but me." (i had accidentally caught my father in an affair 2 months earlier and then my mother admitted to having cheated on him 3 times before they married. Jeez.) which made me feel even more alone. I also felt like the only one in the marriage.

 

I really wanted to just run away from it at times and entertain something new. The only thing that really stopped me was my daughter.

 

I don't think I would have felt tremendous guilt for him but I never want to cheat on anyone because I wouldn't want to put my worst enemy through this pain.

[The Blue Knight]

I realize that he needs time to show me he is sincere. And while I am still reconsidering whether or not we can ever have a strong marriage, I am still here, aren't I? To me, that means I am still giving it a shot.

 

I do have a question that's been troubling me for the last few weeks. Finding out that my husband carried on a 7-month affair and lied to me so successfully makes me feel like he is a total stranger. I don't want to do to him what he did to me, and don't want revenge at all (revenge would just make me all messed up), but I started to feel that if another man comes along, I would be open to considering a new relationship. Before the affair, I protected our marriage and refused to cross any boundaries with anyone. Today, I feel that my husband has already obliterated the boundaries, and I am not sure I would even feel guilty having feelings for someone else. I guess, I feel that our marriage has no protective borders around itself anymore.

 

In the spirit of honesty, I already shared the thoughts above with my husband (he was not happy), but I am trying to sort out my feelings. Are these feelings some kind of defense mechanism - i.e. why put all eggs into one basket, if you will? Am I just so hurt that I am guarding myself from potentially getting hurt again by my husband's actions?

 

This is something I plan to bring up in IC, but was wondering if anyone had any thoughts...Has anyone ever felt this way after their spouse's affair?

 

I think you're onto something when you say it's a psychological defense mechanism. Of course you're guarded. That's normal. You don't want to feel hurt or rolled over a second time by this guy and who can blame you?

 

I don't recall specifically feeling like you do, but I did feel like if a little payback ever came her way in the form of my stepping out, she'd have it coming. Eventually, that feeling subsided and I began to realize those were not the right feelings to consider if I was going to make it work.

 

To be honest having young kids at the time had a lot to do with my attitude about "making it work." They were very young and I didn't want to lose them to her in a divorce at that time.

[Kidd]

I think that finding out that your spouse, whom you loved and trusted more than anyone else, has had an affair can shake the very foundation of how you see the world and the people in it. You start questioning your own judgement and it can really cause you to view the world in a very different way. You can even stop trusting yourself.

How do you know the cheating was not just an isolated event in the other wise "good' behavior pattern of your spouse? How do you know they won't make that same choice the next time the chips are down?

 

Some betrayed spouses find that their self esteem has taken a real battering, and they feel the need for validation( what was wrong with me that caused them to cheat? I know that's nonsense, but our minds sometimes work in weird ways). Some feel the need to "balance" the relationship, and some just want revenge.

 

Some betrayed spouses make decisions that come back to "bite them in the rear" ( often we are our own worst enemies)

 

It can take quite a while to work through that...

 

I was one that couldn't handle the imbalance in the relationship. I just couldn't handle that my wife was going to have this 50-time physical affair, replete with hotel stays (which I partially funded) and I was going to get zero; I would apparently roll over and take it. I also got signals from my wife that I should just go ahead and do it quietly and get it over with. I did. Oddly enough, it somewhat worked for me and my self-esteem issues. That said, my self-esteem boost was short-lived, I was still angry with my W shortly thereafter (with a lot less ground to stand on), I had less pride in myself, and she still continued lying (and we're now divorcing). I don't much blame myself because my Ws affair pretty well broke me about 6 times over. I had PTSD. But I can tell you that my own "balance" affair didn't help.

[SandieBeach]

Some betrayed spouses find that their self esteem has taken a real battering, and they feel the need for validation (what was wrong with me that caused them to cheat? I know that's nonsense, but our minds sometimes work in weird ways). Some feel the need to "balance" the relationship, and some just want revenge.

 

Some betrayed spouses make decisions that come back to "bite them in the rear" (often we are our own worst enemies)

 

It can take quite a while to work through that...

 

I would be lying if I said that that my self-esteem hasn't taken some serious pounding. Shortly after the affair and especially after my husband and I began our newfound sexual adventure, he has become very attentive, saying all the time how beautiful I look and how he sees me so differently now (which makes me gag a little, but what can I say - it's a natural reflex, right?? ). I did notice, however, that my own perspective towards my looks has changed. I am taking extra steps to look great, almost as if I am trying to point out to him (subliminally, of course), "Ha, this is what you screwed up, buddy!" :-)