2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Frankly, 2sunny, there is nothing else he can do to show me he isn't in contact with her. I have access to pretty much everything I can think of. He is around me constantly, and doesn't seem to want to be away unless necessary for work. He had to travel recently (since I found out), and wanted me to go with him (which I did). It's the last 7 months of lying that are preventing me from trusting his words and actions. It's hard for me to look at him and see my sweet husband. Instead, I look for a cunning individual who duped me for 7 months. Have you told him this? Since communication hasn't been good in your past - do you feel you both are trying to completely change that in this relationship?
Author SandieBeach Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Have you told him this? Since communication hasn't been good in your past - do you feel you both are trying to completely change that in this relationship? 2sunny, I have told him how I've been feeling, and that I don't know if I could trust him. I am not holding back anymore, and neither is he (so it seems). We have been talking about different issues we had over the years, and what would need to be changed, but like I said - just because he seems to be opening up now, I can't disregard the last 7 months of lying. Thanks for your comments, 2sunny. I really appreciate them...
2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 So you have talked about what would need to change... Have you two done that change? It's one thing to talk about things - it may give you more hope if you two start DOING those changes that you talk about. What needs to change in order for you to gain trust? What can you be doing? 1
Author SandieBeach Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 So you have talked about what would need to change... Have you two done that change? It's one thing to talk about things - it may give you more hope if you two start DOING those changes that you talk about. What needs to change in order for you to gain trust? What can you be doing? Well, I only found out about this 3 weeks ago, so I don't even know if I can get past this and give our marriage another chance. Of course, I love my husband, but I really don't like him right now. We are talking about the need for honesty, and as a result being more open with each other. I guess I still need to be convinced that he's not wanting to be with her, and that he is not lying to me. It's possible that I am dwelling on this, but he broke my trust and I can't just simply get over it.
2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Well, I only found out about this 3 weeks ago, so I don't even know if I can get past this and give our marriage another chance. Of course, I love my husband, but I really don't like him right now. We are talking about the need for honesty, and as a result being more open with each other. I guess I still need to be convinced that he's not wanting to be with her, and that he is not lying to me. It's possible that I am dwelling on this, but he broke my trust and I can't just simply get over it. Counseling may help. And since you still wonder - he needs to be more up front with you. Sounds Ike he has more work to do in order for you to trust again. Trust is earned - IF he's not earning it - then he has more work to do. It sounds like he's asking you to babysit him. That doesn't work! Does he exhibit self control? Does he trust himself not to contact her? Does he tell you when he wants to contact her? Does he tell you what he's doing instead of contacting her? What does his contrary action look like? What is He doing instead of reaching out to her? You need to know! Otherwise - he may be just contacting her... 1
Author SandieBeach Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Counseling may help. And since you still wonder - he needs to be more up front with you. Sounds Ike he has more work to do in order for you to trust again. Trust is earned - IF he's not earning it - then he has more work to do. It sounds like he's asking you to babysit him. That doesn't work! Does he exhibit self control? Does he trust himself not to contact her? Does he tell you when he wants to contact her? Does he tell you what he's doing instead of contacting her? What does his contrary action look like? What is He doing instead of reaching out to her? You need to know! Otherwise - he may be just contacting her... He maintains that he has absolutely no desire to contact her, nor does he miss her. His reasoning is that since we fessed up to everything, he feels so much lighter and loves how it feels to be honest with me. She was (according to him) his outlet, which he does not need now that he has intimacy with me. He said he would tell me if she ever contacts him again, but he will not contact her. Of course, when I am not home, I wonder if he'll crack and contact her, and this is because I am finding it hard to believe that he does not have any desire to ever speak with her. In any event, he is saying all the right things, and backing his words up with actions. It's just that I am too hurt to believe any of it is sincere.
2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 He maintains that he has absolutely no desire to contact her, nor does he miss her. His reasoning is that since we fessed up to everything, he feels so much lighter and loves how it feels to be honest with me. She was (according to him) his outlet, which he does not need now that he has intimacy with me. He said he would tell me if she ever contacts him again, but he will not contact her. Of course, when I am not home, I wonder if he'll crack and contact her, and this is because I am finding it hard to believe that he does not have any desire to ever speak with her. In any event, he is saying all the right things, and backing his words up with actions. It's just that I am too hurt to believe any of it is sincere. Since he says he has no desire to contact her - I don't believe him either. Especially since he says he doesn't even miss her! This is just my gut - but I deal with it often enough to understand when someone is being honest - and I don't see him being honest. I'm sure he misses her!!!! He should just be honest!!! How could he not miss her - she was his fantasy! Even when fantasy is taken away - when they are honest - they still say they miss the fantasy - at least for a long while - that period of readjusting. He needs to look at his truth.
mzdolphin Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Question: after you informed his wife, why did you continue seeing him? When you told his wife, did she not care that her husband was sleeping with you? At the time I wasn't sure what the truth was. He told me he was divorced. And because he lived in another state from her (work reasons) and the names had been changed on ownership of the house, etc. It was hard for me to figure out what the truth was. I thought by informing her, the truth would come out and it would be over with he and I if he was still married. Well he turned out to be married. She never contacted me. I had sent her an email. He said "I'm sorry you felt a need to do that." I ended things. He called two months later, wanting to see me. He still lived apart from her, near me. I broke it off several times. He and I had a history that predates his marriage. Anyway, I'm sure she didn't know. Well, can't say I'm sure. He wasn't exactly careful, emailing, calling, sending checks with his home address on it. Calling me from his house. (not using home phone, but I could hear him talking to his son, an adult, who I know lived at home.) anyway, it was a mistake to continue seeing him. I'm just informing you that a guy can continue to carry on with another woman while pretending to patch things up. They can have several cell phones. Does he have one for work? How many email addresses? You can't go crazy tracking his every move, but he's the one who messed up so I say do what you have to to stay sane. If you can't remain sane, get out.
mzdolphin Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Since he says he has no desire to contact her - I don't believe him either. Especially since he says he doesn't even miss her! This is just my gut - but I deal with it often enough to understand when someone is being honest - and I don't see him being honest. I'm sure he misses her!!!! He should just be honest!!! How could he not miss her - she was his fantasy! Even when fantasy is taken away - when they are honest - they still say they miss the fantasy - at least for a long while - that period of readjusting. He needs to look at his truth. Yeah, it would be different if they had a one night stand. But months? My ex claims his wife asked "Do you love her?" And he said he couldn't say. I'm thinking, yeah right. He never bad mouthed his wife. So I actually respected him for that. He even said they didn't have a "bad" marriage. He said they had become like business partners. Remember, he was also living in another state for four years. But he's been back home for two years and has intensified his declarations of "love" for me. I think that's only because I've solidified my refusal to see him. "I must love you. I can't stop thinking about you. Yadah Yadah Yadah."
Author SandieBeach Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 I'm just informing you that a guy can continue to carry on with another woman while pretending to patch things up. They can have several cell phones. Does he have one for work? How many email addresses? You can't go crazy tracking his every move, but he's the one who messed up so I say do what you have to to stay sane. If you can't remain sane, get out. That is a very valid point. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Keep your eyes open, but don't drive him insane with jealous behavior. If he's really come clean and such then I'm jealous of you. My WW's lies and deceit after D-Day destroyed us.
frozensprouts Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 part of building trust between the two of you will be the frank and open discussions you say that you are having...that's a good sign. There may well be a lot that the two of you can open up about that you didn't feel you could before. All of that can help with repairing the damage his choices caused. Trust takes aong time to rebuild after it's broken. It will take time to rebuild that trust, and the interim can be excruciating. my husband had to work with the other woman after their relationship ended, and that was hard at first. But I figured that if I couldn't trust him around her, how could I trust him around anyone? It took a lot of counseling and hard work on his part, but we were able to rebuild things. He learned better problem solving and communication skills, and so did I. But it wasn't easy, and there were times I almost gave up ( but I love him and I'm very stubborn:laugh:)
KathyM Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but to respond to the OP, there really is no way of telling if your husband is telling the truth, short of using lie detector tests from time to time, which is not practical, of course. It takes a tremendous amount of forgiveness and faith on the part of the BS to try to move on with a WS after an affair is discovered. The uncertainty and shreds of doubt after such a betrayal often do not go away completely, but they diminish over time, unless something happens or triggers bring back those fears and concerns. I sympathize with you. I know women who have been in your shoes, and it's a heartbreaking place to be.
2sunny Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) You could put a key logger on his computer without his knowledge. You could look up his phone records too. You could place a voice activated recorder under the seat in his car (they look like a pen or lighter) and find out if he speaks with her while driving. There ARE ways to obtain info IF you are still wondering (which you obviously are). Just depends IF you are willing to get evidence... Of whether or not he IS or ISN'T still keeping in touch with her. Have you looked at his phone record? It looks like you can also obtain info from a phone that was previously deleted... Along with tracking where the phone is or goes. All previous history is capable of retrieving even after its been deleted including all texts. Wow... I didn't know you could get all that until I search the vac pens... Both are under $100. Edited March 8, 2012 by 2sunny
mzdolphin Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 You could put a key logger on his computer without his knowledge. You could look up his phone records too. You could place a voice activated recorder under the seat in his car (they look like a pen or lighter) and find out if he speaks with her while driving. There ARE ways to obtain info IF you are still wondering (which you obviously are). Just depends IF you are willing to get evidence... Of whether or not he IS or ISN'T still keeping in touch with her. Have you looked at his phone record? It looks like you can also obtain info from a phone that was previously deleted... Along with tracking where the phone is or goes. All previous history is capable of retrieving even after its been deleted including all texts. Wow... I didn't know you could get all that until I search the vac pens... Both are under $100. I'm not a fan of stuff like this. I mean at this point just get a divorce. Because now you are deceiving him and deception is no way to build trust. I think you ask questions when you have them. But him saying he never thinks about her. . . I think that is a complete lie. If he could dismiss her so easily, then why did he risk his marriage to sleep with her for seven months? If it is his first affair, it was a big deal to betray his wife. IF. IF.
frozensprouts Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 You could put a key logger on his computer without his knowledge. You could look up his phone records too. You could place a voice activated recorder under the seat in his car (they look like a pen or lighter) and find out if he speaks with her while driving. There ARE ways to obtain info IF you are still wondering (which you obviously are). Just depends IF you are willing to get evidence... Of whether or not he IS or ISN'T still keeping in touch with her. Have you looked at his phone record? It looks like you can also obtain info from a phone that was previously deleted... Along with tracking where the phone is or goes. All previous history is capable of retrieving even after its been deleted including all texts. Wow... I didn't know you could get all that until I search the vac pens... Both are under $100. you could do all that, and find nothing...will you trust him then? My guess is ( and i could be totally wrong) that you won't What will he have to do to earn back your trust? Can he ever? Only you know the answers to those questions... So you feel he was trustworthy before this? I remember questioning my own judgement...how would I know if I could trust him again? I felt like a fool for trusting him in the first place. I was scared to trust him again...what if i made the same mistake? I don't feel that way anymore.
Author SandieBeach Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 You could put a key logger on his computer without his knowledge. You could look up his phone records too. You could place a voice activated recorder under the seat in his car (they look like a pen or lighter) and find out if he speaks with her while driving. There ARE ways to obtain info IF you are still wondering (which you obviously are). Just depends IF you are willing to get evidence... Of whether or not he IS or ISN'T still keeping in touch with her. Have you looked at his phone record? It looks like you can also obtain info from a phone that was previously deleted... Along with tracking where the phone is or goes. All previous history is capable of retrieving even after its been deleted including all texts. Wow... I didn't know you could get all that until I search the vac pens... Both are under $100. Wow, there are definitely options for me, huh? I guess the only problem is that this would drive me crazy and make me become something I am not. If it gets too hard to trust him, and I don't catch him the regular way, then I'll just have to leave. I suppose it would be a healthier choice for me anyway...
Steen719 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 My point of view is as a BS. If I had believed everything my XH shoveled towards me and not installed a keylogger, I would still be in the house with him, trying to determine what the problem was. UGH It may not be pretty, but when you are trying to make a decision that will affect your life forever and you know that the other person could be lying to you, my decision would be the same as it was then. Some people lie very convincingly and seem to have no trouble stringing you along with their lies until you find out more and more and then finally, they might tell you the truth. I knew what I knew from the keylogger and to the very end, my XH lied to me. He didn't know that I knew. Disgusting and selfish and self-serving. I have lost a lot of sleep over this divorce, but not one single minute was because I felt bad about using a keylogger. Liars lie and cheaters cheat and that is the truth as I know it. 1
Author SandieBeach Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I'm not a fan of stuff like this. I mean at this point just get a divorce. Because now you are deceiving him and deception is no way to build trust. I think you ask questions when you have them. But him saying he never thinks about her. . . I think that is a complete lie. If he could dismiss her so easily, then why did he risk his marriage to sleep with her for seven months? If it is his first affair, it was a big deal to betray his wife. IF. IF. Yes, either a magnificent liar and a cheat, or just a very weak and neglected husband who wanted sex that his wife was not giving him. The jury is still out...
2sunny Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Finding what's really going on - in cases where the BS still wonders what's really going on- can give information on what is real - the evidence of what may or may not be going on. When a person wonders where the truth is - its best to have what is real instead of wondering.
Author SandieBeach Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 you could do all that, and find nothing...will you trust him then? My guess is ( and i could be totally wrong) that you won't What will he have to do to earn back your trust? Can he ever? Only you know the answers to those questions... So you feel he was trustworthy before this? I remember questioning my own judgement...how would I know if I could trust him again? I felt like a fool for trusting him in the first place. I was scared to trust him again...what if i made the same mistake? I don't feel that way anymore. Frozensprouts, your posts give me hope. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing! I thought he was trustworthy before this, and I never doubted him before, but now I just don't know. He's opened up to me since I found out, and I have access to so many of his personal accounts. Of course, if someone wants to lie, there is a way to do it, but it would take a lot more energy. 1
frozensprouts Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Frozensprouts, your posts give me hope. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing! I thought he was trustworthy before this, and I never doubted him before, but now I just don't know. He's opened up to me since I found out, and I have access to so many of his personal accounts. Of course, if someone wants to lie, there is a way to do it, but it would take a lot more energy. ugh...i remember that feeling so well...the questioning your own judgement the thing to remember is that even if all the "amateur sleuthing" turns up nothing, what does that prove? maybe he has ended the relationship ( for now), but what's to prevent him from starting it up again or cheating again with someone else the next time things get rough? this is where knowing that he has addressed to root causes of his cheating and has learned other ways to solve his problems will come in 1
2sunny Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 How many personal accounts does a guy need? Why would he ever create more than one account? What keeps him from creating new accts? 1
Author SandieBeach Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 How many personal accounts does a guy need? Why would he ever create more than one account? What keeps him from creating new accts? OMG, you are more paranoid than I! :-) I am using the term "personal accounts" loosely to refer his phone account, credit card, bank account, computer. We all have those.
The Blue Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I think, on some level, I knew he was unhappy. I was unhappy as well, but neither of us truly tried to address the issues. Since the affair happened, we have been much more open and having deeper conversations about our problems. It's hard to hear about how my actions contributed to our problems, but I know it was hard for him as well to hear where I was coming from. I know that his actions after I found out about the affair appear sincere, but I am not sure if that is because he feels guilty and a failure for being "weak" (his word), or if he truly loves me and wants to be with me. It's difficult for me to tell which is the case. Sandie, the way to know is to keep up the communications and stay in touch at all times. Even on the days when you don't feel like it. If he's staying with you because he feels guilty (always a possibility), that will come out in the coming weeks and months and in some fashion he'll become withdrawn and may become sullen due to internal resentment over his decision. If he's there because he loves you and he wants to make this work you'll see his commitment to want to make it work in the things he does and the things he says. 2
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