Dealing With Husband's Affair

[SandieBeach]

I accidentally stumbled upon Loveshack.org the other day, and it has been comforting to read many similar posts. I am going through a terrible time right now, and am hoping to chat about it with some of you. I have been with my husband for close to 10 years (married for almost 4), and found out a few weeks ago that he had been having an affair for several months or so. He did not tell me himself – I found a bunch of text messages between him and his girlfriend that made my heart stop.

 

I immediately confronted him, and he confessed that he had been seeing her for a while (not regularly since she lives in another states), but texted all the time, and talked on the phone whenever possible. His initial response to my discovery was confusion, and he almost seemed as if he were considering whether to be with her. However, he decided to call her that night and end it with her (I did not ask him to do it). He also called her the next day in front of me (she was on the speaker phone), and told her that they were over and not to contact him again because he wanted to focus on his marriage. Since that day, he has been behaving as if he were remorseful. He gave me access to his phone records, personal credit card/bank accounts, and has been providing me with painful details of his affair over and over again (at my insistence).

 

He and I had been having intimacy issues way before we got married, which manifested in our sexual relationship. We practically stopped having sex, and most of that part was my fault. I have been feeling guilty about that for a long time, but we never talked about that lack of intimacy. I think we both chose to push aside all of our real problems and pretend that everything was fine. Of course, this does not excuse my husband for sleeping with another woman and lying to me for months, but I feel that it’s important to note that I was not a perfect girlfriend/spouse in our relationship.

 

Since I found out about the affair, we have had more honest conversation and intimate sex than ever in our relationship. He has opened up to me tremendously (though I can never know if he is hiding something else), and we have been very attracted to each other (at times unable to keep our hands off of each other). My husband insists that he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he is so glad I found out because he does not need to carry this heavy burden that was his affair. Of course, it is important to note that had I not learned of this affair when I did, it would still be going on. He also claims that he does not miss her at all because we are so much more intimate and honest with each other these days. He went to her for intimacy and sex because he could not get it from me, but now that we are rediscovering each other, he wants me to be the only woman in his life.

 

I am still on a crazy emotional roller coaster, and I don’t know if I should just leave and start moving on. My husband was lying to me consistently for months, and I am afraid I could not tell if he is still lying to me. Even though he gave me access to his accounts, if he wants to continue communicating with her, then he can probably figure out a way without my knowing it. I have no proof that he has contact with her (he claims not), but I am constantly paranoid that something is still going on. How can I know he is telling me the truth? Do we really have a chance of creating a stronger and more intimate marriage?

 

I would more than appreciate your comments and thoughts…

[The Blue Knight]

I accidentally stumbled upon Loveshack.org the other day, and it has been comforting to read many similar posts. I am going through a terrible time right now, and am hoping to chat about it with some of you. I have been with my husband for close to 10 years (married for almost 4), and found out a few weeks ago that he had been having an affair for several months or so. He did not tell me himself – I found a bunch of text messages between him and his girlfriend that made my heart stop.

 

I immediately confronted him, and he confessed that he had been seeing her for a while (not regularly since she lives in another states), but texted all the time, and talked on the phone whenever possible. His initial response to my discovery was confusion, and he almost seemed as if he were considering whether to be with her. However, he decided to call her that night and end it with her (I did not ask him to do it). He also called her the next day in front of me (she was on the speaker phone), and told her that they were over and not to contact him again because he wanted to focus on his marriage. Since that day, he has been behaving as if he were remorseful. He gave me access to his phone records, personal credit card/bank accounts, and has been providing me with painful details of his affair over and over again (at my insistence).

 

He and I had been having intimacy issues way before we got married, which manifested in our sexual relationship. We practically stopped having sex, and most of that part was my fault. I have been feeling guilty about that for a long time, but we never talked about that lack of intimacy. I think we both chose to push aside all of our real problems and pretend that everything was fine. Of course, this does not excuse my husband for sleeping with another woman and lying to me for months, but I feel that it’s important to note that I was not a perfect girlfriend/spouse in our relationship.

 

Since I found out about the affair, we have had more honest conversation and intimate sex than ever in our relationship. He has opened up to me tremendously (though I can never know if he is hiding something else), and we have been very attracted to each other (at times unable to keep our hands off of each other). My husband insists that he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he is so glad I found out because he does not need to carry this heavy burden that was his affair. Of course, it is important to note that had I not learned of this affair when I did, it would still be going on. He also claims that he does not miss her at all because we are so much more intimate and honest with each other these days. He went to her for intimacy and sex because he could not get it from me, but now that we are rediscovering each other, he wants me to be the only woman in his life.

 

I am still on a crazy emotional roller coaster, and I don’t know if I should just leave and start moving on. My husband was lying to me consistently for months, and I am afraid I could not tell if he is still lying to me. Even though he gave me access to his accounts, if he wants to continue communicating with her, then he can probably figure out a way without my knowing it. I have no proof that he has contact with her (he claims not), but I am constantly paranoid that something is still going on. How can I know he is telling me the truth? Do we really have a chance of creating a stronger and more intimate marriage?

 

I would more than appreciate your comments and thoughts…

By your own admission Sandie you had no intimacy or sex with him. I'm not excusing his behavior, but are married women really so naive as to believe that once a relationship goes practically celibate, the male half isn't going to seek it elsewhere?

 

For that matter, many married women end up doing the same thing when their marriages become sexless. It's natural behavior even if it's not ethical.

 

Don't get caught up in the minutia of "if I didn't find out he'd still be with her" because at this point who cares? He's come back to you 100% from what it sounds like. He gave you all the keys to his cards, his communications, and he called her right in front of you and ended it. It doesn't get any cleaner than that.

 

If you have reason down the road to believe he never ended it, that would be one thing, but at this point from what you described, the other woman was something to make up for what he didn't have at home, and in my opinion he prefers to be right where he's at, with YOU.

 

Don't mess it up by nagging and bringing it up to him repeatedly. You've covered all the baggage and you've gotten his full blown honesty. If you're taking him back and moving forward, then do so without further complicating this. You have a chance at getting it right this time so don't toss that away because of some unvalidated "principle"

 

My ex cheated on me, but she never really was straight with me afterward. Your husband is being straight with you. My ex would be into our marriage for several months or a couple of years before the behavior repeated itself. The way you're describing your husband, he's a guy who wants you back 100% and you have a chance to renew a marriage that had gone completely stale and cold. Don't get bogged down in "how could he do that to me?" thinking. It will mess things up.

 

To be honest, sexless marriages will lead to affairs. It happens often. Not because someone is always looking to cheat, but because they long for sex and intimacy which are missing in their marriages and then an opportunity comes along and they cave into that desire to have what they miss. That's what's going on here.

[SandieBeach]

Thanks for your comments, TBK. Great to get a man's perspective. It's funny how things can make sense when someone else says them. I am definitely taking some responsibility for our lack of intimacy of the years, but it takes two, and he certainly contributed it to it as well. I had many opportunities to be unfaithful and chose not to hurt him (even though I wanted intimacy and sex too!)

 

We have definitely been more honest than ever, but it scares me to no end that because he did it once, it might be much easier to do it again.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks for your comments, TBK. Great to get a man's perspective. It's funny how things can make sense when someone else says them. I am definitely taking some responsibility for our lack of intimacy of the years, but it takes two, and he certainly contributed it to it as well. I had many opportunities to be unfaithful and chose not to hurt him (even though I wanted intimacy and sex too!)

 

We have definitely been more honest than ever, but it scares me to no end that because he did it once, it might be much easier to do it again.

 

Yep, I understand what you're saying and don't misunderstand my posting as an excuse for what he did. It's not. But it is the direction many end up going when they feel their marriages are devoid of intimacy and sexual contact.

 

Now this recent posting by you has me a bit confused. You say that you wanted sex and intimacy as well when it wasn't part of your relationship. I guess I read your original posting as you were largely responsible for the lacking intimacy. Am I missing something in the equation?

 

I don't think you can assume it's easier for him to do it again, particularly if you guys get on track and your intimacy / sexual contact is back. I don't read your husband (based on what you're posting) as a serial cheater. I read him as a husband who was internally frustrated and something came along when he was vulnerable and he just went with it.

 

I can rebuff pretty much any girls attention when my marriage is strong and things are good at home. But, even as a man very happily married and very family oriented, I can tell you that if suddenly my wife decided to pull back intimacy and sex suddenly was not in the cards, I'm sure I'd become vulnerable over time. Not because I'd set out to be unfaithful, but because over time opportunities involving intimacy, even with someone you don't necessarily love would seem to be better than nothing at all.

 

I think from what you posted things are good right now. You're being honest with one another. That's the start of a very good thing!

[frozensprouts]

BlueKnight,

you know I think you're great, but I don't agree that the OP should feel like she has to "just let it go". While that may help in the immediate, it will not help in the long run.

 

I know, as my husband cheated on me, and it took a long , long time to fully trust him again. It also took a long time for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had cheated. asking him questions helped me to understand it, and I sometimes asked him the same thing more than once...it took a while to get to a point where I was really ready to absorb anything fully.

 

OP,

I think it's great that your husband has tried to do what he can to win back your trust, but please be careful that the two of you need to work on a lot of things in your marriage. A lot of couples who get back together after cheating go through 'hysterical bonding" ( they have sex a huge amount and seem really intimate) but the problem is that it may mask the original problem.

 

So often, there's issues with communication, problem solving techniques, complacency, issues with boundaries, etc., all of which can be dealt with. Lack of intimacy can be a symptom of these issues. Although an affair is never a good thing, the aftermath of one can provide an excellent opportunity to work on the areas of your marriage that you both feel are lacking. there are many ways to do this, and a counselor can really help if you feel you need it.

 

 

Best of luck to you. A marriage can be repaired after infidelity, and an awful lot of those marriages are much better than before ( my husband and I are still together, and there are several other users on here who have also reconciled and are very happy...hopefully, you will be one too:))

[The Blue Knight]

BlueKnight,

you know I think you're great, but I don't agree that the OP should feel like she has to "just let it go". While that may help in the immediate, it will not help in the long run.

 

I know, as my husband cheated on me, and it took a long , long time to fully trust him again. It also took a long time for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had cheated. asking him questions helped me to understand it, and I sometimes asked him the same thing more than once...it took a while to get to a point where I was really ready to absorb anything fully.

 

OP,

I think it's great that your husband has tried to do what he can to win back your trust, but please be careful that the two of you need to work on a lot of things in your marriage. A lot of couples who get back together after cheating go through 'hysterical bonding" ( they have sex a huge amount and seem really intimate) but the problem is that it may mask the original problem.

 

So often, there's issues with communication, problem solving techniques, complacency, issues with boundaries, etc., all of which can be dealt with. Lack of intimacy can be a symptom of these issues. Although an affair is never a good thing, the aftermath of one can provide an excellent opportunity to work on the areas of your marriage that you both feel are lacking. there are many ways to do this, and a counselor can really help if you feel you need it.

 

 

Best of luck to you. A marriage can be repaired after infidelity, and an awful lot of those marriages are much better than before ( my husband and I are still together, and there are several other users on here who have also reconciled and are very happy...hopefully, you will be one too:))

Well then Frozen all three of us have experienced being cheated on by spouses. As a victim myself (my ex wife had other issues and cheating was a symptom of a greater problem) I can't say that I don't disagree with your view that some marriage counseling perhaps would help out (in the long run).

 

BUT, there are several things to be leery of before choosing a marriage counselor. First off there are pro-marriage counselors out there and then there are counselors that are not so pro-marriage. If you really want the marriage to work go to a site like this and search for a pro-marriage counselor.

 

Find the most experienced, pro marriage counseling in the nation

 

Working in law enforcement I come into contact with family therapists and counselors often and like any profession, you have good ones and you have some that leave you wondering how in the world they got their credentials. So if you're going to go that route Sandie, please find a counselor who is pro-marriage. They will work on saving your marriage. You'd be surprised how many will just look at you two and suggest divorce would be the most direct route to happiness.

 

Sandie suggested that they've had some open and frank discussions of late which was probably far overdue in the marriage. My feeling is simply this. Sandie has every reason to feel that betrayal that comes with a spouse who has cheated on you. At the same time, she won't help their relationship by replaying that issue over and over as I'm sure you'll agree Frozen. It will take time and healing, but it's nearly impossible to make those things happen if you're whacking the spouse over the head with it daily.

 

Secondly, they are at a point where they've made a positive turn and I'd like to see that momentum continue. She obviously still loves her husband, and rather than look at this affair as a setback, it might be better to look at it as a NEEDED eye opener and be thankful that you were both able to salvage what you have and move forward.

[SandieBeach]

Now this recent posting by you has me a bit confused. You say that you wanted sex and intimacy as well when it wasn't part of your relationship. I guess I read your original posting as you were largely responsible for the lacking intimacy. Am I missing something in the equation?

 

Blue Knight: What happened is that my husband and I had some issues from the beginning of our relationship that discouraged intimacy between us, and overtime resulted in practically non-existent sex life. I believe that we both contributed to this problem, and that's why I am still with him (instead of getting the heck away from him, which is what a part of me wants to do). We did not talk about our problems, probably hoping they would just go away. As I write about this, I feel that it's so ridiculous that we never talked about our issues, but I can't change the past.

[SandieBeach]

BlueKnight,

I know, as my husband cheated on me, and it took a long , long time to fully trust him again. It also took a long time for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had cheated. asking him questions helped me to understand it, and I sometimes asked him the same thing more than once...it took a while to get to a point where I was really ready to absorb anything fully.

 

OP,

I think it's great that your husband has tried to do what he can to win back your trust, but please be careful that the two of you need to work on a lot of things in your marriage. A lot of couples who get back together after cheating go through 'hysterical bonding" ( they have sex a huge amount and seem really intimate) but the problem is that it may mask the original problem.

 

So often, there's issues with communication, problem solving techniques, complacency, issues with boundaries, etc., all of which can be dealt with. Lack of intimacy can be a symptom of these issues. Although an affair is never a good thing, the aftermath of one can provide an excellent opportunity to work on the areas of your marriage that you both feel are lacking. there are many ways to do this, and a counselor can really help if you feel you need it.

 

Frozensprouts: Thanks so much for your comments. I can definitely relate needing to know the details and asking the same questions more than once. Like I said before, it did not totally surprise me that it had gotten to this (we were not giving each other intimacy and sex, and I stopped trying after a while), but he lied to me so well and that's what shocks me beyond belief. It was his lying for 7 months that prevents me from trusting him even a little right now: I still think that when he is in the other room, he is somehow contacting the other woman. For example, he is in the other room right now, and I am thinking they're chatting! He seems very convincing when he says he wants me, but he was very convincing in every way when he was seeing the other woman.

 

As far as our current sex, we are both less inhibited with each other, but I am concerned that it can mask the problems we had been having. We are still talking about how we each failed in our marriage, and are discussing some changes that have to be made if we were to even try to salvage it.

 

He made an appointment to see a counselor, and I am seeing one as well. I thought we should do it on our own, and then maybe see a marriage counselor together if we decide to stay married and fully commit to bettering our relationship.

[The Blue Knight]

Blue Knight: What happened is that my husband and I had some issues from the beginning of our relationship that discouraged intimacy between us, and overtime resulted in practically non-existent sex life. I believe that we both contributed to this problem, and that's why I am still with him (instead of getting the heck away from him, which is what a part of me wants to do). We did not talk about our problems, probably hoping they would just go away. As I write about this, I feel that it's so ridiculous that we never talked about our issues, but I can't change the past.

 

But you realize this now and you're both communicating. That's good! It's never too late. That's what's important to remember. You both contributed to the problem and together you both can overcome the problem. But as the old saying goes, it's going to take two.

[ConfusedandLosingIt]

I am going through a smililar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have a 3 year old daughter, a home and a business together. Everything happened so fast for us that we didnt really have time to sit back and think about what we really wanted in life and with eachother. We knew eachother from highschool, but did not realize that we had both changed so much since then. I pushed him away. I didnt care about doing my hair or my makeup, I just rolled out of bed and went on with my day. I looked like hell. But when he would ask me to do my hair so we could go out for supper, as nicely as he could, i would freak out at him. I feel responsible for what happened between us, since he warned me that it would happen if i didnt give him what he needed.

Cheating is not the right answer, but I cant blame him for it. He needed love and intimacy that I wasnt giving him.

Anyways, I am having a hard time getting past all of this. It was only been almost 2 weeks since this all came to light. The OW dropped a present off on our doorstep for him and I read the card. It crushed me. But I knew it for along time. I knew when Lisa would text him and he would lie about who it was, or she would call and he would lie. I honestly was so down on myself and feeling low, I didnt have the energy to care really.

I am glad to read that I am not alone in these feelings and other people know exactly how I feel. My issue right now reading your post is that I am jealous and a little worried now. Your husband opened up and gave you all of his information. Mine has not. I asked for passwords and told him it would give me piece of mind, but he said no because he doesnt want me snooping and reading to much into things that dont mean anything. He says he loves me and if he didnt want to be with me then he would have left me for her. But why wont he completely open up to me? I know that when we first got together, I was very suspicious all the time because of 2 past relationships where i was cheated on. I was always snooping and looking for signs that he wasnt being honest with me. Eventually he got sick of it and put passwords on everything and stopped it. Should he be opening up completely right now? Or maybe he will in time? I wish there was a magic button to make all these feelings and the panic to go away!

Maybe just someone to talk to that is going through the same situation would really help.

[SandieBeach]

But you realize this now and you're both communicating. That's good! It's never too late. That's what's important to remember. You both contributed to the problem and together you both can overcome the problem. But as the old saying goes, it's going to take two.

 

Don't think I don't know it! It has never been clearer to me that communication at all times and honesty is the most important thing.

 

But, Blue Knight, there is something you said in the above post that I missed initially. You said "I read him as a husband who was internally frustrated and something came along when he was vulnerable and he just went with it."

 

My husband swears that this was the first time he cheated, and there is really no way for me to (easily) prove otherwise. However, this affair was not just something that came along. It's something that he went looking for. Apparently, he met this woman at a restaurant where he was having lunch with a business colleague while she was hanging out with her friends. He chatted with her, they exchanged numbers, and a couple of months later, while I was out of the country, he called her with the intention of having sex. I guess he woke up that morning and chose to invite her to dinner, and they then went to a hotel room. This was how it started. He was not working with this girl, got to know her and then affair happened.

 

So, what does that really tell me, TKB? That he was internally frustrated and needed to get sex he was not getting from me? He claims he just wanted to take care of that need (since in his opinion I did not want it), and come back to me. But - and I would love a man's perspective on this - what does this tell me about my man?

[SandieBeach]

I am going through a smililar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have a 3 year old daughter, a home and a business together. Everything happened so fast for us that we didnt really have time to sit back and think about what we really wanted in life and with eachother. We knew eachother from highschool, but did not realize that we had both changed so much since then. I pushed him away. I didnt care about doing my hair or my makeup, I just rolled out of bed and went on with my day. I looked like hell. But when he would ask me to do my hair so we could go out for supper, as nicely as he could, i would freak out at him. I feel responsible for what happened between us, since he warned me that it would happen if i didnt give him what he needed.

Cheating is not the right answer, but I cant blame him for it. He needed love and intimacy that I wasnt giving him.

Anyways, I am having a hard time getting past all of this. It was only been almost 2 weeks since this all came to light. The OW dropped a present off on our doorstep for him and I read the card. It crushed me. But I knew it for along time. I knew when Lisa would text him and he would lie about who it was, or she would call and he would lie. I honestly was so down on myself and feeling low, I didnt have the energy to care really.

I am glad to read that I am not alone in these feelings and other people know exactly how I feel. My issue right now reading your post is that I am jealous and a little worried now. Your husband opened up and gave you all of his information. Mine has not. I asked for passwords and told him it would give me piece of mind, but he said no because he doesnt want me snooping and reading to much into things that dont mean anything. He says he loves me and if he didnt want to be with me then he would have left me for her. But why wont he completely open up to me? I know that when we first got together, I was very suspicious all the time because of 2 past relationships where i was cheated on. I was always snooping and looking for signs that he wasnt being honest with me. Eventually he got sick of it and put passwords on everything and stopped it. Should he be opening up completely right now? Or maybe he will in time? I wish there was a magic button to make all these feelings and the panic to go away!

Maybe just someone to talk to that is going through the same situation would really help.

 

Confused, you are definitely not alone! It looks like so many people are going through this, and it helps me too to talk about it. To say what I am feeling and not worry that I'm going crazy.

 

My husband was always very private, even when we were perfectly happy. We lived together for 5 years before getting married, and we always had separate computers, accounts, etc. I never even thought about looking through his files. Ok, maybe I did a few times, but I never found anything that worried me. I also never looked hard enough, and I just accepted that he was private. However, that's what (I think) created intimacy problems between us. He was very private, I felt that he did not let me in, and in turn, a wall rose up between us. I should have always demanded more transparency, but instead made excuses for him.

 

Needless to say, it was a shock that he gave me access to his accounts. At first (2 days after I found out about the affair), when I told him it was necessary for me to see for myself if he is telling the truth and asked for his credit card account, he flatly refused to do it. I think I said that at that point there was nothing else to talk about, and our marriage was over. After a few hours, we returned to that conversation, and he changed his mind. We sat together in front of my computer and logged in where I could see all of his charged related to the affair. I also gave him a chance to tell me if there was anything else on the account that would upset me, and he fessed up that he was going to online chat rooms for a while. I promised I would not freak out (it was hard at times), and I did not create any issues (unless related to the girlfriend).

 

Over the next couple of days, I asked for other accounts (phone, bank account), and he volunteered some of them. I can't say that I was cool about what I saw, but I told him that the only way I could even try to work through this (and there is a big chance I will not be able to get over this) is if we have full honesty and transparency. At all times.

 

I think that over the years I ignored the signs and let him have his privacy when in my opinion, when you get married, you forfeit your privacy rights when it involves both partners. And, because I did not demand honesty and transparency, he was able to go online and chat with women.

 

I do truly believe that if there is nothing to hide, the other person will not try to hide it. It's possible that your boyfriend is afraid of your reactions and potential misunderstandings, and that's why he is uncomfortable sharing this information with you. However, it's also possible that he is hiding a lot more (or even worse, planning to hide more in the future).

 

What I would suggest, is try to figure out what was going on with you to cause your lack of intimacy. Why did you stop caring about it? Then, maybe sit down with him, as emotionless as possible, and try to give him your perspective. Don't take the blame for his affair - we all make our own choices, but be honest about your responsibility for why the relationship went down hill. If you want to give him a chance, then there has to be full blown honesty. I don't think I could ever go back to secrecy again. If anything, I am also getting to know myself better, and realizing what I need from my relationships in order for them to be successful.

 

Hope this helps a little...

[The Blue Knight]

Don't think I don't know it! It has never been clearer to me that communication at all times and honesty is the most important thing.

 

But, Blue Knight, there is something you said in the above post that I missed initially. You said "I read him as a husband who was internally frustrated and something came along when he was vulnerable and he just went with it."

 

My husband swears that this was the first time he cheated, and there is really no way for me to (easily) prove otherwise. However, this affair was not just something that came along. It's something that he went looking for. Apparently, he met this woman at a restaurant where he was having lunch with a business colleague while she was hanging out with her friends. He chatted with her, they exchanged numbers, and a couple of months later, while I was out of the country, he called her with the intention of having sex. I guess he woke up that morning and chose to invite her to dinner, and they then went to a hotel room. This was how it started. He was not working with this girl, got to know her and then affair happened.

 

So, what does that really tell me, TKB? That he was internally frustrated and needed to get sex he was not getting from me? He claims he just wanted to take care of that need (since in his opinion I did not want it), and come back to me. But - and I would love a man's perspective on this - what does this tell me about my man?

 

You misinterpret what I mean by "something just came along" and I should have maybe explained it better than I did. I'm not saying that he didn't actively pursue it in some fashion because he had too to some degree in order for the affair to occur. I'm saying that something came along which filled the gap in his life where there was no longer intimacy or sex and he saw that as an opportunity with this girl.

 

Contrastingly, if things were great between the two of you at that point in his life, he most likely wouldn't have considered it because there was too much to risk and he had you at home and he was committed to you and loved you. Serial cheaters often have plenty of sex at home with their wives. They just want to cheat because that's who they are. Cheaters like your husband don't seek that lifestyle, but circumstances at home lead to it eventually. From what you wrote, I don't read your husband as that serial cheater guy, but obviously I can't know him in any detail with what little is revealed here.

 

You can only trust your instincts Sandie regarding what you know about this man. You married him. Up until this setback, did you ever have reason to suspect he was cheating on you at any point? You know, where something just didn't feel right? Typically, cheaters are exposed given enough time. I know when my ex cheated on me, things weren't adding up and by the time I started looking at a lot of small things like how she dressed (allegedly going out with girlfriends) when she dressed more like she was going out with a guy; certain alterations about her values; music she was listening too; lack of interest in TV shows she watched previously; times when her whereabouts seemed not in line with her usual habits; etc.

 

What does it tell you about your man?

 

As I said earlier. I'm about as unlikely to cheat on my wife as any man. I'm not built to cheat. I'm a one-woman man and always have been, even going back to high school when every guy is trying to get in every girls pants. That just wasn't me.

 

BUT, things are good at home with my current wife of 15 years and I. My wife and I have a good relationship and our mutual sexual and intimacy needs are being met. BUT, if she suddenly pulled away from me and said that she no longer had any interest in sex or intimacy but she was staying in the marriage for the kids or whatever reason, but sought a more platonic relationship, I'm sure that subconsciously, I'd be hurt and feeling deprived and would probably be passively keeping my options open. I'm not saying that's ethical or right behavior. It's not. I'm saying that it's human nature to find a surrogate for what you are lacking in your love life. Each of us has a mental line that needs to be crossed for this to happen. Some individuals will last 2 months in a relationship such as this, others will last a couple of years. There are many men (and some women) on loveshack who have held out for at least that long and have posted those comments on various threads about sexually uninvolved spouses. It's awful to read these posts and realize how miserable a lot of married people living celibate lives against their will actually is.

 

From what you're telling me, your husband came clean and he gave you all the information you asked for in detail. On top of that if I'm understanding you correctly, he told you he still is in love with you and that this woman simply filled a void in his marriage life that was no longer present. Unless you have seen patterns as I described about my ex-wife earlier in this posting in your marriage, I'd see no reason to believe he's a serial cheater.

[The Blue Knight]

I am going through a smililar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have a 3 year old daughter, a home and a business together. Everything happened so fast for us that we didnt really have time to sit back and think about what we really wanted in life and with eachother. We knew eachother from highschool, but did not realize that we had both changed so much since then. I pushed him away. I didnt care about doing my hair or my makeup, I just rolled out of bed and went on with my day. I looked like hell. But when he would ask me to do my hair so we could go out for supper, as nicely as he could, i would freak out at him. I feel responsible for what happened between us, since he warned me that it would happen if i didnt give him what he needed.

Cheating is not the right answer, but I cant blame him for it. He needed love and intimacy that I wasnt giving him.

Anyways, I am having a hard time getting past all of this. It was only been almost 2 weeks since this all came to light. The OW dropped a present off on our doorstep for him and I read the card. It crushed me. But I knew it for along time. I knew when Lisa would text him and he would lie about who it was, or she would call and he would lie. I honestly was so down on myself and feeling low, I didnt have the energy to care really.

I am glad to read that I am not alone in these feelings and other people know exactly how I feel. My issue right now reading your post is that I am jealous and a little worried now. Your husband opened up and gave you all of his information. Mine has not. I asked for passwords and told him it would give me piece of mind, but he said no because he doesnt want me snooping and reading to much into things that dont mean anything. He says he loves me and if he didnt want to be with me then he would have left me for her. But why wont he completely open up to me? I know that when we first got together, I was very suspicious all the time because of 2 past relationships where i was cheated on. I was always snooping and looking for signs that he wasnt being honest with me. Eventually he got sick of it and put passwords on everything and stopped it. Should he be opening up completely right now? Or maybe he will in time? I wish there was a magic button to make all these feelings and the panic to go away!

Maybe just someone to talk to that is going through the same situation would really help.

 

Confused, I'm not blaming you or beating up on you, so don't misunderstand my comments.

 

This pattern of one spouse taking the other for granted seems extremely common. I see it in my job and I see it often here on loveshack and like everyone, I know of people in my life who have dealt with this issue. I myself came to loveshack last July because my wife seemed very passive about initiating intimacy. It bothered me a great deal. Thankfully, I got some good advise here (from married women) and when our marriage hit a breaking point over the issue, my wife admitted that she took me for granted and that she wasn't putting forth very much effort in that area.

 

Now, it turns out she suffers from more self-esteem issues than I first was ever aware of and that played heavily into her passiveness about intimacy. But because I communicated it in very strong terms at that point and making it clear that I felt we needed to consider going separate ways, she realized just how serious the issue was for me and she made the necessary changes and we've been doing very well since that time.

 

My point is I don't know your husband. I can only suggest that if you want to save your marriage you change certain behaviors and see if any changes happen in your relationship. He too needs to make changes obviously. The fact that he's not as forthcoming about giving you the things Sandie got from her husband makes me believe he may have more to hide, but then again, he may just be afraid of your reaction as Sandie pointed out.

 

If there was one theme I'd emphasize after reading the miserable relationships posted here on loveshack it would be, spouses, if you love your significant other, don't ever take them or your relationship for granted. Love doesn't work that way. Love is about giving and getting and the minute one half assumes they no longer have to work hard at cultivating and nurturing love from their spouses, bad things are going to happen. It's really that simple.

[irin]

please dont blame yourself. when there problems and things that you are unhappy with you communicate and voice your worries and unhappiness, you dont go and have affairs. did he ever tell he was unhappy or tried to fix things between the two of you, before he went of to f**k someone else. my advice is if you to stay keep yourself aware of his behaviour and be ready to leave next time! sorry for being harsh!

[frozensprouts]

Lack of sex/intimacy is often an indicator of a much deeper problem.

 

Did your husband ever sit down and tell you that he was unhappy, that he didn't think things were right in your marriage?

 

All too often it's so easy for things to happen/not happen that cause a spouse to think their husband/wife doesn't care about them. This is where communication is so important.

 

A lot of my husband's issues had nothing to do with me ( they were external) , but because he was under so much stress, I stopped talking to him about things that bothered me, as I didn't want to add to that stress. I think I may have begun to resent him ( which was very unfair of me) and he thought that I no longer cared.

 

If we had only talked about it, that might have made a huge difference.

[SandieBeach]

please dont blame yourself. when there problems and things that you are unhappy with you communicate and voice your worries and unhappiness, you dont go and have affairs. did he ever tell he was unhappy or tried to fix things between the two of you, before he went of to f**k someone else. my advice is if you to stay keep yourself aware of his behaviour and be ready to leave next time! sorry for being harsh!

 

I don't think you are being harsh, Irin. As I mentioned in my previous posts, we have been having problems, and I, too, have been missing intimacy and sex. I also thought about being unfaithful, but what stopped me from doing it was the thought of hurting him. The same kind of reasoning did not happen in his head. He could have just said to me that he was so unhappy and thinking about drastic measures, and I would have fought for him...

[SandieBeach]

You two can have sex all you want, but part of intimacy is communication. What happens if there is another dry spell, or he's feeling like he needs his ego stroked? Does he be honest and speak to you about it, or does he go looking for strange?

 

That's the $5,000,000 question, right?

[SandieBeach]

Lack of sex/intimacy is often an indicator of a much deeper problem.

 

Did your husband ever sit down and tell you that he was unhappy, that he didn't think things were right in your marriage?

 

All too often it's so easy for things to happen/not happen that cause a spouse to think their husband/wife doesn't care about them. This is where communication is so important.

 

A lot of my husband's issues had nothing to do with me ( they were external) , but because he was under so much stress, I stopped talking to him about things that bothered me, as I didn't want to add to that stress. I think I may have begun to resent him ( which was very unfair of me) and he thought that I no longer cared.

 

If we had only talked about it, that might have made a huge difference.

 

I think, on some level, I knew he was unhappy. I was unhappy as well, but neither of us truly tried to address the issues. Since the affair happened, we have been much more open and having deeper conversations about our problems. It's hard to hear about how my actions contributed to our problems, but I know it was hard for him as well to hear where I was coming from.

 

I know that his actions after I found out about the affair appear sincere, but I am not sure if that is because he feels guilty and a failure for being "weak" (his word), or if he truly loves me and wants to be with me. It's difficult for me to tell which is the case.

[mzdolphin]

First let me say, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know first-hand, because my ex husband cheated on me, how devastating and confusing things must feel.

 

I must tell you though, as a woman who got involved with a married man (he lied and said he was divorced) that your husband is likely to cheat again.

 

Even after I informed the wife about my ex married man's cheating, he continued to call, email and sleep with me off and on for nearly two years before I ended it .

 

He contacted me last month, talking again about how he loves me and is unhappy in his marriage. He is self-fish. He doesn't care about how this impacts me or his wife. I hope your story ends differently, but I'm sure this guy is not telling his wife the things he's telling me, "honey, every night I'm thinking about sleeping with another woman. I'm really unhappy in this marriage and any chance I get to visit this woman out of town, I'm gonna do it. Because I love her and she turns me on more than you do."

 

My guess is he's lying to her and he's lying to me.

[2sunny]

Did your husband contact his OW in front of you and end it?

 

How do you know he ended it?

 

Oops - sorry - I see now that he did call her... Do you feel he hasn't been in contact with her since D Day?

[SandieBeach]

Did your husband contact his OW in front of you and end it?

 

How do you know he ended it?

 

Oops - sorry - I see now that he did call her... Do you feel he hasn't been in contact with her since D Day?

 

Well, he gave me access to his phone records, so no phone calls using his cell or home phone. He said he called her the night I found out (I was not in the room at the time but his phone shows a conversation), and she texted him the next day saying she was sorry it was over (I saw the text when it came it). He then called her right in front of me and "reminded" her it's over and not to ever contact him again.

 

Of course, it is possible that he is contacting her through other means: iMessage on iPhone or by email, which I would not be able to see if he immediately deletes the evidence. I have not been able to find any proof that he is talking with her at all (and I've been checking), so I don't know if it's just my paranoia that he is in touch with her.

 

I guess it's just really hard for me to imagine how he could be close with this woman one day (texts, phone calls, but not regular visits due to their distance I'm sure), and then end it with her just like that because he "realized he was living a fantasy, which disappeared once I found out."

[2sunny]

Well, he gave me access to his phone records, so no phone calls using his cell or home phone. He said he called her the night I found out (I was not in the room at the time but his phone shows a conversation), and she texted him the next day saying she was sorry it was over (I saw the text when it came it). He then called her right in front of me and "reminded" her it's over and not to ever contact him again.

 

Of course, it is possible that he is contacting her through other means: iMessage on iPhone or by email, which I would not be able to see if he immediately deletes the evidence. I have not been able to find any proof that he is talking with her at all (and I've been checking), so I don't know if it's just my paranoia that he is in touch with her.

 

I guess it's just really hard for me to imagine how he could be close with this woman one day (texts, phone calls, but not regular visits due to their distance I'm sure), and then end it with her just like that because he "realized he was living a fantasy, which disappeared once I found out."

 

I get the feeling you still wonder if he's been in contact with her. What is he doing to show you he isn't?

[SandieBeach]

First let me say, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know first-hand, because my ex husband cheated on me, how devastating and confusing things must feel.

 

I must tell you though, as a woman who got involved with a married man (he lied and said he was divorced) that your husband is likely to cheat again.

 

Even after I informed the wife about my ex married man's cheating, he continued to call, email and sleep with me off and on for nearly two years before I ended it .

 

He contacted me last month, talking again about how he loves me and is unhappy in his marriage. He is self-fish. He doesn't care about how this impacts me or his wife. I hope your story ends differently, but I'm sure this guy is not telling his wife the things he's telling me, "honey, every night I'm thinking about sleeping with another woman. I'm really unhappy in this marriage and any chance I get to visit this woman out of town, I'm gonna do it. Because I love her and she turns me on more than you do."

 

My guess is he's lying to her and he's lying to me.

 

Question: after you informed his wife, why did you continue seeing him? When you told his wife, did she not care that her husband was sleeping with you?

[SandieBeach]

I get the feeling you still wonder if he's been in contact with her. What is he doing to show you he isn't?

 

Frankly, 2sunny, there is nothing else he can do to show me he isn't in contact with her. I have access to pretty much everything I can think of. He is around me constantly, and doesn't seem to want to be away unless necessary for work. He had to travel recently (since I found out), and wanted me to go with him (which I did).

 

It's the last 7 months of lying that are preventing me from trusting his words and actions. It's hard for me to look at him and see my sweet husband. Instead, I look for a cunning individual who duped me for 7 months.