dwf40 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 i have been friends with my ex boyfriend for >2years and we have been romantically involved for about a year. he helped me find the strength to finally leave my abusive husband. when we first became romantic, he 'dumped' me three times because he was struggling over the guilt he had from taking another man's wife. but he couldn't seem to stay away and i kept allowing him to come back. it was very emotional for us both, esp considering our complicaated situation. i essentially finally told him to grow some balls and make a decision because he was torturing me and i guess that was his wakeup call because after that we finally seemed to settle into a very caring and genuine relationship. fast forward and he has a very traumatic event happen in his family and i recognized that he need room to take care of business. i kind of sensed he was in deep depression. i also sensed he was putting a lot of distance between us and i finally asked if it was the depression, or if he was no longer interested. he really had no answers for me and when i asked if he wanted me to wait this thru, he wouldn't answer that either. so i took it as a his way of telling me we were done. i figured something about us must not be working for him and regardless of his depression, he would have at least indicated he cared enough. so i just totally backed off, stopped contact for a while and let him be. then i started initiating some friendly emails and visits. last week i sent him a 'reverse' breakup letter telling him i loved him, and i've already started to move on, i agree with our breakup and i'll always love him for taking care of me when no one else could. i figured that it would take some pressure off him if he thought i was okay and living my life ok (even though i'm not) that nite, he shows up where he knows i'll be. he got my letter and he wanted to see me. we talked about nothing all nite then he became extremely jealous over a male friend of mine that was showing me attention and he started making lots phyiscial contact with me (not abusive, but loving) and then insisted on taking me home where he hugged me and kissed me and told me life was too strange right now. we agreed to meet the following weekend and i was really hoping that he'd say something about what happened, but he didnt. and neither did i. we did have areally nice visit though. were his actions the previous nite just a moment of weakness? could be afraid to tell me that he wants me back considering how difficult he made things in the beginning of our relationship and now he's embarrassed to ask for yet another chance? is he just still depressed, wants me back but is afraid his depression will hurt me? does he think i really have moved on and i'm not interested romantically in h im anymore so he's afraid what i'll say? i'm so afraid to make the next move because i don't want to loose the friendship we're just starting to rebuild again. this is a man i really want in my life, even if it is just as friends. he's very special to me. thoughts?
BoredAgain Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 From your story, it's pretty obvious that this guy is not capable of having a stable romantic relationship (at least not right now). In the year that you dated, you guys broke up three times. Then there was some traumatic event which caused him to pull away again to cause a fourth break-up (the recent one). Now that you're apart his behavior seems more erratic: he wants space, he gets jealous, he tries to be close/passionate, etc. In other words, he sounds confused. The best course of action is probably to continue giving him space. Let him deal with his own confusion, otherwise it's just going to put you in emotional agony (as you currently seem to be). A friendship with this guy is almost certainly not going to be possible right now.
Author dwf40 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 thanks for the insight...not trying to justify his actions...just clarifying a bit. the break ups were in the very begining of our relationship and while not easy, were understandable...we were both pretty confused about our 'affair' and i was pretty scared to leave my husband. he was not sure i was committed to him. it was alot for both of to handle. and he also knows how bad and insecure he made me back then and the impact it had on our relationship. that's why i'm wondering if he's afraid to ask for another chance because he know how bad he eff'd up again. we were friends first and i valued that...so far, our friendship seems to be working. this man changed my life and is the only person in the world that knows what happened to me in my marriage. even to this day.
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