The Blue Knight Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 HHC don't worry about 'hijacking' my post its good to know im not alone, and i whole heartedly agree with what you said, when i initiate sex it often feels like he goes for it just to please me rather than him actually wanting it and that is a major turn off, it feels almost like rape, im forcing him to do something he doesnt want to just for my own pleasure. a lot of you have said about his hormone levels, this is something ive wondered about, i feel like i must have more testosterone than him.. how can i say to him to have this checked and if he did and it was very low what could he do about it? im just so torn, i understand why so many of you have said end it since it clearly isnt working and as one person said there are plenty of guys who want to have sex why would i waste my time on this one, but thats the problem, ive dated a lot of guys and the sex life might have been much better but they were also dicks who didnt treat me well at all. im just not sure what is most important to me, having someone who cares about me or having someone who wants me and will just take me whenever he pleases.. i got the implant in anyway so we will see if my libido lowers with it and whether or not that solves my problems, i cant believe im sacrificing sex but what else can i do. hes perfect, in every other way! Well misswilson, only you can decide if you want to leave him for something like this. My feeling is that sex is one of the biggies in a marriage. Many will try to play it down or tell you it's an unnecessary biological urge . . . vastly overrated . . . but to me, unless you have mutually agreed upon celibacy or limited sexual contact and you know that GOING INTO the marriage, it's wrong to hold yourself back from your spouse sexually. I'm not sure a lot of people do this, but I've told my wife that I will never turn her down. That's a standing agreement that I have with her. Wake me up if you need too. But don't ever worry about me saying no or rejecting you. I did this for two reasons. #1: because she struggles in initiating sex and #2: her own self-esteem issues that had nothing to do with me going back to long before she and I met. But I want her to always know that I'm going to be there to please her sexually if she's in the mood. Obviously each couple has to make their own agreement in this area, but my feeling is that all marriages would work better if both partners had the "I'll never turn you away or say no" contract. Now, with that being said, I'm talking about both partners being fully engaged in the sex and not what you're experiencing with your husband who seems to be going through the motions. The bottom line is no, you shouldn't have to settle for a guy who was "a dick", but you shouldn't have to settle for a husband who by all descriptiveness, is also acting like one when it comes to satisfying his wife sexually and showing interest and desire for her. If we break sex down to three times a week at one hour of lovemaking each time, that's three hours out of the 168 hours in a week. Is anyone going to tell me that they can't give their spouse three hours of bedtime attention? Give me a break! It's a matter of two primary issues . . . laziness and setting proper priorities.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 The only time a man would NOT enjoy these things is if he was gay or not attracted to you. He is one of these.
The Blue Knight Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I've found that most guys have no issue with bad sex where as women do. You'd have to define "bad sex" for a man. If you mean a woman who just lies there without much interaction or involvement, yep . . . bad sex. And yes, I'd have an issue with it. Sex is about participation. Giving and taking.
The Blue Knight Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 The only time a man would NOT enjoy these things is if he was gay or not attracted to you. He is one of these. Frustrated, there's a whole group of men in this latest generation that have priorities like video games, lap tops, and cable TV who don't prioritize sex in the marriage. I think they just have screwed up priorities frankly and don't put their wives "needs" near the top of their lists.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 BK, it's not about priorities. If a naked woman is standing in front of you wearing a french maid costume, and your penis doesn't even flinch, I think that means there is something wrong with the sex life, not priorities.
FitChick Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 i feel like i must have more testosterone than him.. how can i say to him to have this checked and if he did and it was very low what could he do about it? His doctor can prescribe bioidentical testosterone cream or gel. There are other kinds but the bioidentical is safest so he needs to find an endocrinologist or anti-aging specialist who knows how to prescribe it.
spiderowl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 He has a low sex drive or is not so interested in women but likes the emotional side of the relationship. Low sex drive could be hormonal and maybe he needs to see his doctor and get his hormones checked. If he doesn't want to though, you may have to accept that it is always going to be thus and decide whether you want that kind of relationship or not. What struck me is how many things you have tried and how you have tried to change yourself in all sorts of ways to make you more sexually attractive to him. There should be no need for you to do this at all. Your guy is the problem, not you! This is affecting your self-esteem. Maybe you should give up this relationship, due to the incompatibility, and find a true lover who is passionate about you physically. You have gradually sunk into a feeling that you should be trying to solve this when you can't. The issue now is do you put up with it or opt out? I think you deserve a good sex life and you shouldn't have to sacrifice this important and powerful part of yourself for anyone.
somedude81 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 You'd have to define "bad sex" for a man. If you mean a woman who just lies there without much interaction or involvement, yep . . . bad sex. And yes, I'd have an issue with it. Sex is about participation. Giving and taking. Honestly, even then I can't see that being worse than jerking. I guess bad sex for me would be if she's rude.
coffeeaddict Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 If your boyfriend watches porn, it could be doing a number on his libido. Here's a video called "Your Brain On Porn" narrated by a physiology teacher named Gary Wilson. There's a dopamine issue with porn, wherein the brain becomes accustomed to the material (produces less dopamine) and craves novelty (more stimulating/hardcore material) because novelty means dopamine. Compared to what he's incrementally trained his brain to get off on, missionary sex with his girlfriend is plain jane and doesn't do it for him anymore. If you think it applies to him, you could show him the video. Bottom line though, if he's not interested in you after six weeks of abstinence, then he's likely getting his jollies some other way.
betterdeal Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 There are lots of things that may cause a man to have little or no interest in sex. Some ideas off the top of my head: If he has a foreskin, it may be too tight (known as phimosis) when he's fully erect, or his frenulum may be damaged (known as frenulum breve)He may be put off by you being so forward. Maybe being a bit coy and more relaxed about it would help increase his confidence.Abnormal hormone levels.Performance anxiety.Urinary tract infections.Other medical conditions not related to his sex organs may make him feel unwell and therefore not in the mood.Shyness.Different sexuality (could be asexual or homosexual)TirednessOvereatingDrinkDrugsFriend zone Some issues are physical, others are mental. It may be that he has a perfectly normal sex drive and so do you, but you're both at opposite ends of the range of normal (him once a week, you once an hour, for example). Discuss it with him. If you find it hard to discuss sex face to face without getting overly emotional, write an email. Describe how you feel about it, what you would like, and suggest you discuss it. There's lots of help available for a man if he feels he needs some. His GP would be a good place for him to start. Physical exercise, good food, fresh air, and positive self-talk can all increase libido.
The Blue Knight Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 BK, it's not about priorities. If a naked woman is standing in front of you wearing a french maid costume, and your penis doesn't even flinch, I think that means there is something wrong with the sex life, not priorities. If it was just the sex life, it sounds like she's voiced this as a concern to her husband. So then why hasn't he at least entertained it further? Priorities change as relationships move on. This is why many relationships end or fizzle out. Let's be honest. At the time we marry, our significant other is usually #1 on our list at that particular point. Can that be said 5 or 10 years later with many marriages? Nope. That's because people change and with that their priorities change. And add to that the psychology of availability (she's there anytime he wants her so no big deal in his mind) and you have some major problems which can come up. I can think of two specific marriages that I know of firsthand where his video games and computer usage pretty much ended the marriage. These guys couldn't tear themselves away. And I'd be willing to bet there are many women here who have experienced putting on a sultry outfit or something suggestive only to be overlooked by a husband intensely preoccupied with what is on his laptop. Now I have to ask. Is the naked woman actually naked in your scenario or wearing the French maid costume? Both work for me by the way.
CupcakeCrisis Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Miss Wilson, I wish I had an answer for you. I'm sort of in a similar situation - boyfriend constantly rejecting me for sex through years of the relationship (he cites 'pregnancy paranoia' as a reason) and the sex always being bad, pitiful or entirely about him on top of that. I can say one thing, the pill certainly did a number on my libido. If I ever get turned on, it's generally a brief 5 or 10-minute thing after I see something arousing. I gave up on ever initiating anything sexual, even though his constant rejections stopped - I just don't feel turned on really ever anymore. I'm now on a different pill so I don't know if my sex drive will ever return...it's certainly an option, although not one I'm sure I should be advocating? Then again, if you feel it would make you happier, so be it. In my case, I just felt it was unnatural and tried to have sex more often to compensate, as I felt I was -supposed- to want it. So, I've ended up having a lot of meaningless sex just because I felt I needed to. Or worse yet, because I desperately wanted to feel attractive to my partner after getting the smackdown for so long. My self-esteem is in the crapper. I have convinced myself that I could never again meet a man who would be sexually interested in me, as I have yet to meet a man who makes me feel as though he's physically attracted to me. The thought that I could turn another man on seems entirely foreign. Part of me has given up and stopped caring. Hypocritical of me as it is, I would hate to see another person fall victim to this kind of lifestyle. You are fortunate in that this is a long-distance relationship...and accordingly, I would presume it's at least a little more emotionally distant than your standard, typical relationship might be. The others are right - especially if you don't have any issues with your weight, you'd likely have little trouble at all meeting someone else who could fulfill you in several aspects, including sexually. But if it helps, like I said, I'm on the pill and I really have no desire for sex. Of course, the fact that I'm depressed too probably helps in that regard...
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