misswilson Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I am in a LDR with a guy who has been my best friend for years. He is everything you could want in a boyfriend, kind, caring, intelligent, funny and very handsome. Thing is, the sex is pitiful. When we have sex we both enjoy it but it never really happens and when it does there is no spark, foreplay or fun to it, we just get down to business. He has even set alarms to remind himself that we have to have sex. I feel like I'm going insane. I have always joked that I have nymphomania and there may be some truth in this due to the fact that I suffer from bipolar, however, I don't think this is normal! Am i wrong? After not seeing him for 6 weeks at a time all I want to do is jump him when I do but this seems to be the last thing on his mind. I've tried everything, I've lost weight, quit smoking, spend hundreds of pounds on lingerie, I've dressed up (your typical schoolgirl, french maid thing), tied him up, blindfolded him etc. Nothing works. I could stand naked in front of him and he would probably not even notice. For far too long in this relationship I've thought that this was my problem, I demanded too much, I was fat or ugly or that there was something fundamentally unattractive about me. But in all honesty, although I'm not stunning I am pretty and I'm nowhere near overweight (the opposite would more likely be true). I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've never had this problem before, my ex-bfs loved that I loved sex. Can anyone give me any advice? I have booked an appointment to get the implant as an alternative to the pill since I've heard this reduces libido. I've also stopped initiating sex since it just hurts to hear the word no constantly and feel like a complete reject! There must be something, I care about him too much to walk away and in every other sense he is perfect. Should I just try to forget it? Thanks!
FitChick Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 How old is he? He may need his hormone levels checked. Why haven't you or he moved in all these years?
Philosoraptor Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Everyone has their own libido. If you're not happy with it then talk about it... if there is no change then you have a decision to make.
veggirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Can you be satisfied for the rest of your life with this, as it stands now, if you were to marry the guy? probably not. You're already beginning to resent him for it, I understand and would be frustrated with someone whose libido was vastly different from mine...I actually would not enter a relationship if that was the case tbh.
HHC Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I pretty much have the same experience in my relationship. My husband and I have totally different libidos and views on sex and sexuality. It's caused massive issues in our relationship. I want passion. I want desire. I want it lots. I want it anywhere. I want him to want me. I want to want him. I like dressing up. I like using toys. I want sex. I LIKE sex. I enjoy sex. I want him to want sex with me. For him to desire me is important. When it comes to sex he doesn't mind it. Can go for months without it really. He is reserved and doesn't really do rough or passionate sex. For him initiating sex is rubbing my leg in a lovingly fashion. But he does that when he doesn't want sex either. I don't feel the desire behind him and even though he says I'm the hottest I have ever been, he's having less sex with me and when I initiate he usually only has sex with me for me - which doesn't do anything for me. If you don't want to have sex with me I'm not really interested. I don't handle bad sex well. He says I'm asking too much and he feels pressured. I makes me really sad that the thought if having sex with me makes him feel pressured and not happy I have no answer. Other than shutting down sexually and not thinking about sex I have no answers. And for me to force myself to not want sex is difficult and makes me really sad. We've been together for a long time and a lot of external factors have changed his ability to have sex (sickness) which has only compounded his view on sex
Titania22 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Ultimately it's up to you. Do you love him enough, to be with him without the sex (or with very limited sex)?
The Blue Knight Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I pretty much have the same experience in my relationship. My husband and I have totally different libidos and views on sex and sexuality. It's caused massive issues in our relationship. I want passion. I want desire. I want it lots. I want it anywhere. I want him to want me. I want to want him. I like dressing up. I like using toys. I want sex. I LIKE sex. I enjoy sex. I want him to want sex with me. For him to desire me is important. When it comes to sex he doesn't mind it. Can go for months without it really. He is reserved and doesn't really do rough or passionate sex. For him initiating sex is rubbing my leg in a lovingly fashion. But he does that when he doesn't want sex either. I don't feel the desire behind him and even though he says I'm the hottest I have ever been, he's having less sex with me and when I initiate he usually only has sex with me for me - which doesn't do anything for me. If you don't want to have sex with me I'm not really interested. I don't handle bad sex well. He says I'm asking too much and he feels pressured. I makes me really sad that the thought if having sex with me makes him feel pressured and not happy I have no answer. Other than shutting down sexually and not thinking about sex I have no answers. And for me to force myself to not want sex is difficult and makes me really sad. We've been together for a long time and a lot of external factors have changed his ability to have sex (sickness) which has only compounded his view on sex misswilson, something is very wrong with a guy who has a libido that low and you're not even married yet!!! I'm not sure what the answer is but I will tell you that to continue in a relationship where he has to set an alarm to remind him to have sex is not going to make it and you're going to be very unhappy. And why should you have to shut down your libido because he doesn't have one? That's his problem, not yours. Tell him it's time to have a physical and to get himself checked out because that's just not normal. HHR, I've seen your postings before and I feel for you. I've been preciously where you're at (genders reversed) and it sucks. And like me, you don't want someone who is having sex with you just for to please you so you'll go away and he can be left alone. Intimacy in those situations isn't even intimacy as far as I'm concerned. If you don't mind my asking, and not to hijack misswilson's thread, what was his libido like prior to his becoming sick?
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I've never had this problem before, my ex-bfs loved that I loved sex. Can anyone give me any advice? Dump him! So many guys want sex, why waste time with one who doesn't?
HHC Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 If you don't mind my asking, and not to hijack misswilson's thread, what was his libido like prior to his becoming sick? We had lots of sex when we first met. Like bunnies Then he started working (beginning of his career, we got together young) and he started working 100+ weeks. He wanted morning sex, because at the end of the day he was tired. but morning sex for me wasn't enjoyable unless I'd had a sexy dream. Then when we had kids we thought that it would smooth itself out when they got older and we got our lives back. When I was pregnant with our last we found out he was sick and that he will now have a chronic issue for the rest of his life where he's tired and nauseas all the time. Add to that depression and, well yeah From kids to today once every few months was normal and we both knew, due to the circumstances, it was just that. I thought it would change and get better. Now the kids are older and he's working less it hasn't changed. I'm hitting my 30s and my libido is going through the roof, while his is dying off. I love him and I hate making him feel guilty because he can't please me sexually. Every other way he is, or we're working on it together. I won't throw away what we have because I want sex and he doesn't. I'm looking for a way to find a way to deal with my disappointment. Because I won't give up on him or us.
neowulf Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Firstly, I don't think trying to lower your libido is going to help anything. Given that your husband *used* to have high libido, we can rule out you guys having a general sexual mismatch. It's a positive start. I would get both of you along to a sex counselling. This is going to wind up being a deal breaker for you in the long run and I think it's important your husband realise what's at stake. A counsellor will allow you both to talk about how you honestly feel and work through the issues without attacking each other or becoming defensive. Secondly, you mentioned depression. Is your husband currently on anti-depressants? That can have a HUGE impact on desire and libido. Don't feel guilty for wanting sex in your marriage. It's a healthy and perfectly reasonable thing to want. Just get some support to help both you and your husband through this. Wish you both the best of luck.
The Blue Knight Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 We had lots of sex when we first met. Like bunnies Then he started working (beginning of his career, we got together young) and he started working 100+ weeks. He wanted morning sex, because at the end of the day he was tired. but morning sex for me wasn't enjoyable unless I'd had a sexy dream. Then when we had kids we thought that it would smooth itself out when they got older and we got our lives back. When I was pregnant with our last we found out he was sick and that he will now have a chronic issue for the rest of his life where he's tired and nauseas all the time. Add to that depression and, well yeah From kids to today once every few months was normal and we both knew, due to the circumstances, it was just that. I thought it would change and get better. Now the kids are older and he's working less it hasn't changed. I'm hitting my 30s and my libido is going through the roof, while his is dying off. I love him and I hate making him feel guilty because he can't please me sexually. Every other way he is, or we're working on it together. I won't throw away what we have because I want sex and he doesn't. I'm looking for a way to find a way to deal with my disappointment. Because I won't give up on him or us. I was going to just PM you on this but it doesn't look like you can receive them currently. I don't walk all over the OPs thread. I'm just trying to figure out where the problem is. I endured some rather severe sickness in '08 and found out I had a severe gluten related disease, although it didn't really hurt my libido much. But I was fatigued and wasted all the time until I figured out what it was. Is he roughly your age? A guy in his 30s shouldn't be hurting in that area. How about testosterone levels? Has he had them checked?
ThatDudeXO Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Maybe he needs some sort of counselling. Something has almost killed his libido, maybe depression or confidence issue, I don't know. If you say he wanted to bump uglies like bunnies all the time before but now he barely wants it, I say something has happened to affect his libido. If it's not an external factor, then you need to find someone who will meet your sexual needs.
HHC Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Firstly, I don't think trying to lower your libido is going to help anything. Given that your husband *used* to have high libido, we can rule out you guys having a general sexual mismatch. It's a positive start. I overlooked a lot of things when I got together with my husband. I came from a bad relationship and decided I would rather a nice guy who respected me than a guy who was fiery. After him getting sick and depressed and sex being removed altogether I realised I had shot myself in the foot because I need a guy who is fiery I would get both of you along to a sex counselling. This is going to wind up being a deal breaker for you in the long run and I think it's important your husband realise what's at stake. We're both seeing a counsellor. He's focusing on other issues at the moment. From what I have heard he thinks I am just being unrealistic and making this a bigger issue than he thinks it should be. We've pretty much talked about this as much as we really can. He can't physically and mentally match me sexually and I don't like having sex for the sake of sex. Secondly, you mentioned depression. Is your husband currently on anti-depressants? That can have a HUGE impact on desire and libido. Depression and anti depressants were the straw that broke the camels back regarding the sex issue. He's now no longer on ADs and he's no longer as depressed as he used to be. He has made some HUGE positive changes in his life and our life. But once I realised just how important sex was to me I just can't go back to how we were Wish you both the best of luck. Thanks How about testosterone levels? Has he had them checked? The two main issues are 'How he views sex and what he likes' and 'He is sick, and will be for life' He says he simply cannot keep up with me and give me what I need/want sexually. He that's that
ascendotum Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 He has even set alarms to remind himself that we have to have sex. This cracked me up. WTF! I think he needs to see a doctor and have some blood tests done to check on his hormone levels. Maybe he maxing out on the porn in those 6 wks while you are not there. Ah the dilemma, awesome guy/girl but crap sex life. Ultimatly the crap sex wont sustain the relationship unless you are over 50 but then you said you have a strong libido...Try and forget...you wont be able to! Look its a LDR, pull the plug on it and find someone local who you can spend time with any night of the week and who's face will light up when you take your coat off to reveal a french maid outfit.
Emilia Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I am in a LDR with a guy who has been my best friend for years. He is everything you could want in a boyfriend, kind, caring, intelligent, funny and very handsome. Thing is, the sex is pitiful. Sexual chemistry often doesn't transfer when you are friendzoned, my last ex was a friend first and the sex was terrible, I gave up pretty quickly because I knew it was a lost cause. You are forcing something that's not working, you don't have chemistry. Life is too short for crap sex miss wilson
somedude81 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Sexual chemistry often doesn't transfer when you are friendzoned, my last ex was a friend first and the sex was terrible, I gave up pretty quickly because I knew it was a lost cause. You are forcing something that's not working, you don't have chemistry. Life is too short for crap sex miss wilson That's a really odd statement. Though I guess it depends on who friendzoned who.
Emilia Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Indeed, and Emilia should know something about "crap sex", as we all know. Thanks for the cheap dig Everyone who has had sex has also had bad experiences - unless they aren't fussy of course or is that being 'non-judgemental'? Edited March 6, 2012 by Emilia
kaylan Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I had bad sex with a older woman...one would think she would be more experienced...bunch of vanilla missionary , with no oral and me doing all the work...screw that! No sex is better than bad sex...i got all worked up, tired, energy depleted and sweaty for nothing... I agree. Id rather jerk off than have bad sex. 1
HHC Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 No sex is better than bad sex...i got all worked up, tired, energy depleted and sweaty for nothing... That's where I'm at. I hope misswilson doesn't
somedude81 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Bad sex? Unless she's completely not into it, I can't see sex being worse than jerking.
HHC Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Bad sex? Unless she's completely not into it, I can't see sex being worse than jerking. I've found that most guys have no issue with bad sex where as women do.
Author misswilson Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 HHC don't worry about 'hijacking' my post its good to know im not alone, and i whole heartedly agree with what you said, when i initiate sex it often feels like he goes for it just to please me rather than him actually wanting it and that is a major turn off, it feels almost like rape, im forcing him to do something he doesnt want to just for my own pleasure. a lot of you have said about his hormone levels, this is something ive wondered about, i feel like i must have more testosterone than him.. how can i say to him to have this checked and if he did and it was very low what could he do about it? im just so torn, i understand why so many of you have said end it since it clearly isnt working and as one person said there are plenty of guys who want to have sex why would i waste my time on this one, but thats the problem, ive dated a lot of guys and the sex life might have been much better but they were also dicks who didnt treat me well at all. im just not sure what is most important to me, having someone who cares about me or having someone who wants me and will just take me whenever he pleases.. i got the implant in anyway so we will see if my libido lowers with it and whether or not that solves my problems, i cant believe im sacrificing sex but what else can i do. hes perfect, in every other way!
denise_xo Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 He has even set alarms to remind himself that we have to have sex. Have you tried telling him directly how you feel?
PratyekaYana Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 If a medical explanation proves insufficient, misswilson, you may want to consider the possibility that your husband is asexual and incapable of experiencing attraction in any sense. There is a heap of variety in the manner by which asexuality may express: some asexuals are repulsed entirely by the thought of intercourse (likely not applicable to your spouse given your original post), others are indifferent to it, and still others actually enjoy sex (often for tangential reasons like the closeness that engaging in intercourse can bring). In any case, a "mixed" relationship, that is one between a sexual and an asexual, will always struggle in issues of intimacy, but such problems can occasionally be overcome.
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